"Hey. I rang the doorbell." Emily caught me off guard as I was working on my bike in the backyard.

"My folks are in Scranton."

"I haven't seen you in school."

Embarrassed, I looked away, "I missed a few days."

I was surprised Emily had even noticed my absence. I was sure she was probably trying to avoid me again.

"Are you okay?"

Am I okay? Am I okay?! Here you are, coming to apologize to me, when really, I was the one who took advantage of you. And you have no idea, no recollection at all. And I feel so bad...and guilty...and a whole lot of other things. Am I okay? I open my mouth, but nothing seems to come out. I look away again and try to regain some composure. Standing, I nodded and lied through my teeth, "I felt pretty bad for awhile, but I'm better now."

The guilt was killing me.

"We have to talk about this." Emily stepped closer to me.

I immediately stepped back and retorted, "No, we don't." Yes, we do. But...but, I can't. Not yet, anyway. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared to lose you. Again.

"You got sick because you drank from my flask. I have to explain how that happened, or at least try to explain."

"We can forget about the whole thing, honestly Em." What you don't know, can't hurt you, right...?

"You deserve to know the truth,"

...so do you...

"can we go someplace and talk?"

Without any thought, I replied, "I can't today." My heart wasn't ready. I didn't know what to say.

Frustrated, Emily asked, "Tomorrow, after school?"

I rolled my eyes and looked away.

"Please?" she pleaded.

I looked at her again and let out a sigh. I can't hide forever, can I? I tried to speak, but again, the words wouldn't come. I finally let out an exasperated, "Okay."

Emily quietly confirmed. She nodded and silently turned and left. Watching her walk away, upset, just killed me. I watched her go and finally dropped my defensive stance. God Paige, why do you have to do that? Why are you so defensive? And so scared? Now I feel terrible for how I've treated Emily. I can't seem to do anything right. It's hard to believe she would still even talk to me after all I have done. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Calm down, Paige. At least I have some time to process everything that happened. But, I guess I have to show my face in school tomorrow. This is it, no more hiding. Not more hiding from Emily.

It was getting late, my parents were out for the night. I was downstairs watching TV when I heard a commotion outside the front door. I peered out the window to check out the scene. Em? Is that Emily? She looked sick, slumped over the stairs of the front porch. She had to be drunk. But what was she doing here? What did she want? I slowly opened the door, "Em? (pause) Em? Are you okay?"

I ran over and kneeled in front of her, my breath full of distress and confusion. I hesitantly placed my hand on her shoulder trying to calm and steady her quivering body. I took her limp hand in mine and held it trying to get her attention.

"Em?" I softly whispered.

Her hand was cold, but clammy. She didn't respond as her head slowly rocked back and forth.

"Em!" I said more forcefully. I took her chin between my thumb and forefinger and raised her head up. Her glazed and tired eyes met mine as she softly let out a sound.

"You...y...you're here, P-Paige."

"Of course I'm here," as I spoke, there was a growing sense of urgency in my voice, "Are you okay, Em?"

"I...I think so. I...i...," and her slurs began to trail off.

I interrupted her and threw her arm over my shoulder and guided her body up off the porch. Her body felt limp and heavy as I walked across. What was I supposed to do now? Should I bring her inside? Give her water? Let her sleep here? Oh God, what would my parents think?! What should I do?

"C'mon Em, let's get you cleaned up inside."

She let out a grunt which I took as an affirmative. We slowly walked, or should I say stumbled, into the house. Emily almost fell to the ground as she tripped on the corner of the rug. I had never seen Emily so clumsy before - she was always so graceful, so strong. It was strange to see her in such a weakened state and just as strange to be the one taking care of her. I caught her as she tripped and wrapped my arms around her, just below her arms, and brought her back to her feet. My body froze as I realized what I was doing. I was embracing Emily Fields! She was in my arms, her body resting upon mine. I never thought I would feel her so close to me ever again. I mean, I didn't deserve Emily. I didn't deserve her in my arms, even if she was drunk. Oh God. She's drunk. She doesn't even realize what I'm doing. Wait, what am I doing?

"T-Thanks, McCullers."

I snapped out of my daze. Her voice can do that to me, you know. But then, things got even stranger. Her head was still heavy as I watched it fall to my shoulder, but her body was lighter, as if she were standing on her own. Then I felt her arms wrap around my body and weakly hold on. Was she embracing back? She slowly lifted her head from my shoulder and stared at me with those beautiful brown eyes. I felt her breath on my neck and it sent a chill down my spine. Those eyes darted down to my gaping mouth, then back up to my eyes again. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, almost afraid of what would happen next. Then, I felt her soft lips brush against mine and suddenly the weak embrace turned into a passionate kiss. I should have pulled away, but I couldn't. I couldn't no matter how I tried. It was like I was in a dream and I had no control of my body. I leaned in and kissed her back. It only lasted a few seconds before she pulled away, but it seemed to last an eternity. But quickly the reality of the situation rushed back into my head as any sense of confidence quickly drained away. I stared at her with a bewildered look on my face.

"Uh...I...Uh...I should go get you, some...some w-water," I hesitantly stuttered.

I let go of her and slipped out of her embrace as I hurried to the kitchen. I leaned over the counter, my arms stiffly planted below me and let out a giant sigh. I tried to collect my thoughts and catch my breath. I looked to the cabinet above, but my arm didn't want to move. I took a deep breath and slowly brought my arm to the cabinet door. I held it there for a few moments before I could even open the door. I reached in and grabbed a glass, my hand shaking. I turned on the cold water full force and shoved the glass under the stream of water until it was overflowing. I took another deep breath, turned off the water and slowly made my way back to the front door.

The glass shattering on the floor was deafening. My legs and feet were drenched. She was gone, the only thing left was the breeze creeping in through the open door.

As I lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, all I could think about was her. Did that all really just happen tonight? Or was it just some dream? I feel like all I can ever think of is her. But then the guilt sets in. I took advantage of Emily, who was clearly not in her right mind. Why would she ever want to kiss me again?

All I can think of is those few moments we did share. Her lips. Her hair. Her soft skin. Even her smell. I close my eyes and I can feel the kiss again. All those kisses again. I can hear her laugh and see her smile. I feel...

Oh God. Why is my hand down there? Stop it, Paige.

But I don't stop. I feel wet. I can't stop. The thoughts are still racing and I'm finding my finger is...well...racing as well. I find my finger gently massaging at first, and then another joins in a more passionate frenzy. I feel all my guilt and anger and frustration going through my arm and out my hand.

Will this be the only place we're ever together again? In my head? In my dreams?

I get more and more swollen and my legs begin to stiffen. My breathing, heavier and heavier. I let out a loud moan as my back arches. And then, my eyes open and my arm freezes. I feel warm tears begin to stream down my cheeks. My body becomes limp and spiritless as my arm falls to my side, all the bad emotions flooding back in.

What am I doing? I'm even taking advantage of Emily in my thoughts. Why can't I get her out of my head? She leaves everywhere, except my head! Why can't I get over her? Why can't I stop loving her?