if we loved again

by of starlight

She was the only girl who had ever caught his interest, the only girl who had torn down the barriers and she'd been the one to put them back up. blaise/emma

entitled; if we loved again (i swear i'd love you right)
summary; She was the only girl who had ever caught his interest, the only girl who had torn down the barriers and she'd been the one to put them back up.
rating; T
disclaimer; i own nothing.
notes; dedicated to kysa, britta & heather.

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if we loved again (i swear i'd love you right)

.

maybe this is wishful thinking,
probably mindless dreaming,
but if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

- back to december taylor swift

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It was rare that he did this anymore; life after Hogwarts didn't provide him with the chance to spend anytime on the broom. It was something he probably wouldn't admit that he missed. Every damn bit of it. From the wind hitting his face, to the feel of the broomstick in his grasp. All of it.

After the war, he'd lost contact with most people. The only exceptions were Draco and Hermione. The two had gotten a lot closer after everything that happened. It was something that had surprised most people, but not Blaise. He'd seen it all along. The sparks, the chemistry. They'd constantly been at each others' throats, but Blaise wasn't blind to the sexual tension that grew between the two of them. He was amazed how anyone could have been.

With a faint smirk, he gripped the broomstick in his hands a little tighter; he was making his way to the field behind the Malfoy Manor where they'd be playing. Draco's parents were on some trip or other and still allowed their son to use the field every now and then, even if they didn't exactly approve of his girlfriend.

The thought of it made a soft laugh leave his lips; they'd really gone through hell and back in the beginning, those two. First with Weasley. He'd caused a bloody uproar. Potter wasn't as drastic. He remembered the boy glancing at Blaise with a confused expression before shrugging at the couple. Basically the same reaction Blaise himself had had when Draco first told him that he liked the girl; sure, he knew that there was an attraction there, but he never thought Draco would have had the balls to admit his feelings at all. Denial was something he was more akin to.

Quickly afterwards was Draco's father. He was almost as bad as Weasley. Almost. Draco put a quick end to any objections his father had when the word 'mudblood' slipped into the conversation. He'd damn near ripped his father's head off. Thankfully his mother intervened. Not that she approved much herself. She just wanted her son to be as happy as possible, even if that meant he ended up with someone she didn't approve of.

Pansy was possibly a good deal worse than both Weasley and Draco's father. It had been one hell of a hilarious sight though. She'd been all kinds of crazy, sputtering out curses and ridiculous accusations about Hermione being a 'man-stealing whore' and whatnot. There were several things, and much worse than that that he'd honestly rather not recall.

All in all, it was after their hectic union that he and Draco really considered themselves friends. What more were they than a cowardly leader and his followers back then? They honestly held very little respect for each other back then. He wasn't afraid to admit that now. Things had changed for the better.

Most things anyway. There was still one thing that he wished hadn't changed.

Frowning, Blaise shook his head, realizing that he was already making his way up to the front door to the Malfoy Manor. He was getting ready to knock when he heard the faint sound of laughter coming from around the corner. Brows furrowing in the slightest bit of confusion, Blaise turned and made his way towards the back through the tall hedges, only to find himself staring at Draco laughing at Astoria and Daphne Greengrass, who were both glaring at him with indignant expressions on their faces.

"Anyone care to fill me in on what's so bloody funny?" Blaise asked, a smirk gracing his lips as he let his gaze move to the few people already flying around on their broomsticks, hoping to recognize someone else, but failing to do so.

"Blaise!" came Astoria's screech, making him wince slightly, "Draco's being an arse."

Draco glanced over at Blaise, trying not to laugh more as he explained himself, "They're just pissy because Hermione annihilated them."

That earned them a glare from both sisters.

"You can't blame them." Blaise grinned, "Not all of us have the time or the luxury now that we're no longer at Hogwarts and have full time jobs."

"Rubbish." Draco shook his head, "These two have had all the free time in the world. 'Mione's just better than them."

"You're just being an ass-kisser, Draco." Daphne answered with a sneer before storming off, Astoria rolling her eyes before following closely behind her sister.

"Still bloody terrifying, those two." Blaise muttered, patting Draco on the shoulder with his free hand, "Who else is here?"

"Hermione, Theodore, Tracey and Millicent are up there on their brooms, just messing around already. Those two were up there as well, until I fell from my broom laughing." Draco grinned, "Potter and the Weasley girl are inside-"

"Potter?" Blaise asked, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise at the name.

Draco shrugged, "Hermione wanted them to come. Something about not spending enough time with her best friends. I wasn't in the mood to have that argument with her."

Blaise let out a laugh, "She's got you wrapped around her finger, mate."

Draco rolled his eyes and socked the boy in the shoulder, "I'm just grateful Weasley didn't have the balls to show up. Would've ruined my mood."

Blaise gave him a grin, "Don't hold your breath, Draco. There's still plenty of time for him to show up and ruin a good day."

Draco snorted, "Doubt it. But anyway, Potter and his girlfriend are inside helping Romilda and Emma with the food."

Blaise damn near dropped his quidditch equipment at that; turning to look at Draco with narrowed eyes, "You invited her?"

"You're the one who said she was a good quidditch player, remember that?" Draco smirked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"We were in school, you prick!" Blaise growled, "What on earth are you playing at?"

"I've got no bloody clue what you're talking about, Blaise." Draco shrugged, a smug grin on his lips as he turned his back to his friend and mounted his broomstick once more, "You should probably go say 'Hello'. You're mad if you think I'll let you go the entire day avoiding her."

Blaise scoffed as Draco took off on his broomstick, pausing only to hover near Hermione for a bit. Let him? What the bloody hell did that mean? They weren't in school anymore, Draco couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. But really, who was he trying to fool in saying he didn't want to see her?

Scowling the whole way, Blaise made his way inside, unease coursing through his system the whole way there. He set his things on the ground by the door, offered Harry and Ginny a faint smile and a nod when he spotted them in the dining room setting things up on the table, as he made his way towards the bathroom. He was about to head up the grand staircase when someone called his name.

Turning to look back, Blaise's eyebrows shot up at the sight of Romilda Vane standing there, a sympathetic look on her face, "I'm about to get into the game with everyone else… Emma's in the kitchen alone, if you want to talk to her..."

Blaise scowled, "Are all of you honestly in on this?"

Romilda gave him a faint smile and shrugged, "You made my sister happy. You two were good together."

"Well that's none of your damn business anymore." he muttered, shaking his head and continuing his trek towards the upstairs bathroom. Once inside, he found himself staring into the mirror and gripping the sink as if he were holding on for dear life. How in bloody hell was he supposed to get through this day?

Turning on the faucet, Blaise reached both his hands in and leaned forward to splash his face with cold water, hoping to bring some sense into his suddenly thoughtless mind. Unfortunately, the feel of cold water on his face only brought on the unpleasant memory of the last time they saw each other.

The details were a bit sketchy; he couldn't stand thinking back on that particular day. She'd torn his heart out and ripped it to shreds, after all. Who in their right mind would relish in a memory like that?

But she'd basically told him that there was no point to their relationship anymore. That with him leaving at the end of the year, and his mother doing all she could to keep him away from her, they wouldn't last. That they'd both find someone better. All excuses that were nothing but bullshit in his eyes. Still, she gave him no room for arguments after that. He'd told her he loved her for the first time during their entire relationship and she'd thrown in back in his face.

But it'd been four years since that day and they hadn't seen or spoken to each other since, not even during the war at Hogwarts. For a good while he was afraid that she'd died, but when Draco and Hermione started getting closer after the war, they confirmed that she was still every bit alive. The two of them kept in contact with her and had constantly tried getting him to confront her, but he'd never given in to their suggestions/demands. He'd never really imagined that they'd try to pull something like this. He really should have thought of it, though. He and Emma had played matchmaker for the two of them enough times back when they were in school together, it shouldn't have been so surprising that they'd try and pull the same crap themselves.

Shaking his head and taking a deep breath, Blaise grabbed a towel and dried his face. His hands shaking the slightest bit as he tossed the towel on to the sink and reached for the doorknob. He might as well go and get things over with, or things would only get worse throughout the day.

Pulling open the door, he quickly made his way back down the marble staircase. Passing through the dining room, he noticed that Harry and Ginny were no longer inside; they'd made their way out onto the field with everyone else. With a faint smirk, Blaise couldn't help but think of the awkwardness of it all. There was no doubt in his mind that Daphne still couldn't stand them or Hermione the slightest bit, but she was still here. There was no doubt going to be a hell of a game once everyone started playing seriously.

Pulling his mind back to the matter at hand, Blaise made his way towards the kitchen, pausing just outside the kitchen door and staring at it like he'd never seen anything like it in his life. It couldn't be too hard, could it? Yes, it could. The last time they'd seen each other was horrible. He couldn't understand what it was he'd done wrong, what had driven them apart. He wasn't sure he could face her without hating her for it. She was the only girl who had ever caught his interest, the only girl who had torn down the barriers and she'd been the one to put them back up.

So, how could he face her now without wanting to shout at her? Without demanding an explanation or throwing her up against the wall and kissing her right then and there? He'd honestly thought he'd gotten stronger than that. Strong enough to have some self-control if he were ever to come face to face with her again, but he wasn't.

He knew that now. Still, he couldn't leave. Couldn't chicken out now. Draco would never let him live it down, and he'd ruin the day for everyone else who'd shown up that day.

With a frustrated sigh, Blaise shook his head and watched as Emma Vane looked up from whatever it was she was cleaning, her expression going from one of curiosity to one of shock within a few seconds, "Blaise? You… Hermione didn't say you'd be coming."

Blaise gave a faint smirk, briefly forgetting the panic that had consumed him just minutes before, "Draco didn't say a damn thing about you being here either."

Emma smiled, shaking her head for a moment as she stood up straight and clutched the rag she'd been using to clean loosely in her hands. Slowly, she tilted her head, her gaze locked with his as she pulled her lower lip in between her teeth, "It's nice to see you, Blaise."

He felt a painful stab in his chest as his stomach clenched uncomfortably, a strained smile on his lips, "It's nice to see you too, Em."

"You don't look so sure about that." she mumbled, her gaze falling to the rag in her hands, "I suppose I can't blame you for that."

Blaise frowned, his hands making their way into his pockets as he let his own gaze wander around the large Malfoy kitchen, "No, you can't." He swore he saw a brief flash of pain run across her face, but he ignored it; she had no right feeling bad. She'd been the one who had done this to them in the first place, "Look, I'm not here to start anything, Emma. I came because I wanted to spend sometime with my best mates. People I haven't seen in too damn long, at the same damn time. Can we just not talk about this and play like happy campers so we don't get any shit from everyone?"

She lifted her gaze towards him once more, her expression not giving away anything as she slipped on a smile and gave him a nod, "I couldn't agree with you more. Just let me finish cleaning up here and we can go on out and join everyone."

"What are you doing cleaning?" Blaise asked, suddenly remembering very well that the Malfoys could very well afford their own cleaning staff, "I know for a fact Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy have people to do that for them."

"Draco sent them off. Gave them a break while we were here when I commented on it, as long as I agreed to do the cleaning myself while we're here." Emma explained, rolling her eyes as she leaned over the kitchen counter again, dragging the damp rag across the marble countertop, "I didn't mind much, and Ginny and Harry have been helping me; Daphne's constant comments have been getting on everyone's nerves, so deciding to help me keeps them out of her line of fire for a while."

"Typical Draco." Blaise grinned, "Why is Daphne here? I mean, I can understand her sister, but Daphne isn't exactly a ray of sunshine, even with the three years that have gone by since the war."

Emma shrugged, "I think she liked our company more than she'll ever actually admit out loud, because Astoria said she just decided to tag along the minute this get together was mentioned, even after Astoria had explained that we'd all be here as well."

Blaise snorted, "Of course she did."

Emma gave a soft chuckle, "You liked her once, remember?"

Blaise rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest, "Teenage boy, hormones and all that. Anyway, that was before…" his words trailed off as the familiar throbbing pain in his chest acted up; it was a pain that warned him he was getting too damn close to being vulnerable. It was a warning to remind him not to let his walls down again, but there she was, so close to tearing them down already.

"Before?" she prompted, pulling herself back up and looking him in the eyes as she folded the dirty rag and dropped in on the counter.

Turning his gaze out the kitchen window, watching as Daphne got into some argument or other with Hermione, Blaise shrugged and mumbled, "Before I met you."

"Oh."

There was an awkward silence there, and Blaise was just about ready to turn and leave when he felt her fingers wrap themselves around his wrist, pulling his gaze towards her once more, "Em?"

"I'm sorry." she whispered, her expression one of anguish as she looked up at him, making his heart break with every passing second, "I'm so, so sorry."

Blaise shook his head, his chest feeling tight as he tried to pull his wrist from her grasp only to have her hold on tighter, "We said we weren't going to do this."

"You can't expect me to believe that there aren't things you want to get off of your chest, Blaise. I'm giving you the chance to do it." she muttered urgently, still not letting go of his wrist "As long as you let me do the same."

His heart was racing as he looked down at her, but it was like something had snapped in him when she had asked him to let her do the same; his eyes narrowed into a cold glare and he yanked his wrist from her grasp, "You're giving me the chance? Is that some kind of joke? You have no right to question or comment on anything I do, because you're the reason I'm like this!"

"I know, and I'm trying to apologize-"

"Apologize for what, exactly?" he snapped, watching her carefully as she took a step closer to him, "For leading me on, when you were so damn sure what we had would go nowhere? For making me believe that this was more than a damn fling when you were so positive that it was nothing more than that? Or for the part where you walked into my life and tore down all the walls to begin with?"

"I'm trying to apologize for lying to you!" she shouted, smacking him on the chest as she looked up at him, her chocolate brown eyes watering just a bit, "Now will you shut up for once and just listen to what I have to say before making anymore assumptions!"

Blaise scowled, taking a step back and crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at her expectantly, "Fine. Go on then."

"I was scared." she mumbled, her gaze falling to the ground as she started speaking, "That day… I decided it would be best to put an end to things because I was terrified."

"Terrified of what?" he asked, his brows furrowing in confusion.

"Come on, Blaise. You were all over Daphne for a while. We may not have been talking at the time, but I know these things. Hogwarts wasn't the most discreet place, you know." Emma sighed, lifting her gaze back towards him, "There was history there, and often times what Daphne wanted, Daphne got. I was terrified that she would try coming back into the picture and catch your interest again. She managed to get in between Katie and Theo's relationship, she wormed her way through Draco and Hermione's friendship several times, and you and I were more than that. I was terrified that you'd get bored of me and send me on my merry way. You're not the easiest person to keep interested, Blaise. You said it yourself, countless times."

Blaise's heart was about ready to implode, and he'd opened his mouth to speak, but she continued.

"I'm not done yet." she held her hand up, shaking her head at him before speaking again, "You see, I'd also managed to convince myself that I'd be better off without you. That this was nothing more than a fling. We were still in school, teenagers; what could we possibly know about love? Neither of us needed those attachments after Hogwarts. We would no doubt go our separate ways, regardless. We were better off with the freedom of not being in any kind of romantic relationship. But…"

"But what?" he asked, his anger close to reaching its boiling point; a rare thing if anyone who truly knew him ever saw.

"But I realized a little too late that freedom was nothing but missing you every single moment we were apart." she breathed, her eyes wide and sincere as she looked up at him, "It was a mistake, doing that. Because you were the best thing to ever happen to me, and I thought that it was just a teenage crush. I thought the feelings would eventually go away and that I'd be okay. But they didn't go away and I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for four years."

"What are you trying to say, Vane?"

"I'm not trying to say anything, Blaise. I'm saying that I loved you. I still love you, and I think I always will. And I'm so, so very sorry for not realizing this four years ago." she took a few steps closer, her hand reaching out to him, only to pull back as she changed her mind at the last minute, "But I understand if you can't forgive me. I just wanted to let you know that if we ever got the chance to love again… I'd love you right."

He honestly didn't know what to say to that. She'd finally given him an explanation. The explanation he'd been missing for four years and he was conflicted. He was angry that she'd ended things because of such a stupid reason. He was relieved, elated, upset, irritated. Every damn synonym for every single one of those words But he couldn't get a single word out to explain just how he felt at that moment.

So he showed her.

His hand shot out, pulling her in by the neck as he leaned forward to press his lips against hers; it was something she'd never really appreciated, but at the moment, he didn't care. She wanted him to get a few things off his chest, there it was; that was something he'd been needing to do for too bloody long.

Soon enough, he felt her respond, her arms moving to wrap around his shoulders as his arms snaked their way around her waist, pulling her body closer to his as their lips moved together, her intoxicating taste driving him mad.

It wasn't until they heard a burst of cheers outside the window did they pull apart. They were both panting heavily, and Blaise smirked when she glanced out the window and flushed a darker shade of red, "I'm going to kill them for this." she muttered.

"I'll help." he offered, pulling one arm from around her waist to reach up and brush a few loose strands of hair away from her face, "I should also clarify that this in no way means you're forgiven for your stupidity." Watching her face fall, Blaise's smirk only grew, "You made me wait four years for a damn explanation, you have quite a bit of groveling to do."

Her smile quickly made its way back onto her lips, "We get to be in love again?"

"It's been four years, we've got a bit to learn before we can go back to that." he answered, pressing his forehead against hers as he held her close, "But I've waited this long, I'm sure I can wait a bit more."

"You and I both."

He smiled down at her, that soft, genuine smile that he hadn't given anyone in years. And it would have stayed that way had Malfoy not popped up behind them and shouted, "If you're planning on any makeup sex, you're welcome to use my parents' bedroom. They'll have something nice to come back to when they get back from their trip!"

"Draco!"

"That's just nasty."

"Like you haven't done it in mom and dad's bed, Daph."

"Astoria!"

"She isn't lying." Theodore was the last to speak, and they all turned to look at him in surprise before bursting out laughing.

Blaise looked over at Emma before they both turned to their friends and burst into fits of laughter themselves. Things were good, he'd say. Better than they'd been in years, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

[end.]