Disclaimer: Mogria realizes that this is an ad-libbed screenplay of Lord
Of The Rings. We do not own the rights
to the official screenplay, nor do we intend any infringement on copyrights
associated with LOTR. This is just a joke…for fun. Don't take it too seriously.
LORD OF THE BEANS
I ama prissi man iam. The world is changed.
Han methe onion. I feel it in the waters.
Han methe chese. I feel it in the earth.
An hanme boston bred. I smell it in the air.
Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it.
It began with the cooking of the Great Beans.
Three were given to the Smelves: (immoral, weirdest and foulest of all beings.)
Seven to the Barf-lords: (great eaters and drinkers of the mountain halls.)
And nine. Nine beans were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire
power.
For within these beans was bound the stench and potency to make each race buy
glade air fresheners. But they were all of them diseased.
For another bean was cooked.
In the land of Mor-odor, in the crock-pot of Mount Spew, the Dark Lord Sor-end
cooked in secret a Master Bean to control all others.
And into this Bean he poured his ex-lax, his metamucil, and his will to
regulate all life.
One Bean to rule them all.
One by one, free lands of Piddle-Turf fell to the power of the Bean.
But there were some who resisted.
A last alliance of Men and Smelves marched against the armies of Mor-odor. And
on the slopes of Mount Spew, they fought for the freedom of Piddle-Turf.
Victory was near. But the power
of the Bean could not be undone.
[Sor-end appears, and with him, a hazy cloud. We see a close up shot of his
hand, which contains the One Bean. The fiery spices on the bean are very, well
Spicy. Sor-end swings his rear end toward the men and smelves. Gripping a large
rock, he braces himself and gives a loud grunt, sending a poisonous fume out
against the armies where they are flung outwards, yelling in pain. The king
charges forward, trying to kill Sor-end. Sor-end rips a quick yet deadly fart
into the king's face, knocking him to
the ground. His plunger falls. Pissildur, his son, runs to his side, and takes
off his baseball cap.]
It was in this moment, when all stench had faded, that Pissildur, son of the
king, took up his father's plunger.
[As he grabs at the plunger, Sor-end steps on it, breaking it. Still holding
the stick of the plunger, Pissildur smacks at Sor-end's hand, shooting the Bean
into the air, landing next to Pissildur. Sor-end falls backwards. Pissildur
sits up and leans over the Bean, as Sor-end is destroyed in a gas that seems to
come from his body. A pungent air comes from him, and a cloud spreads over the
battlefield, killing all of Sor-end's allies. Sor-end's ruffled knickers falls
to the ground, green fumes escaping out of them.]
Sorend, the enemy of the Bloated peoples of Piddle-Turf, was defeated.
The Bean passed to Pissildur, who had this one chance to destroy fiber forever.
But the butts of men are easily encrusted. And the Bean of power has a will of
its own.
[We see Pissildur and his army traveling home, when suddenly they are attacked
by a group of Prunes. Pissildur escapes
to the river where he becomes bold and gulps down the One Bean. As soon as it
enters his mouth he turns invisible... but the bean starts to become heavy
turning to stone in his stomach and Pissildur falls into the river due to the
weight of the bean. Pissildur drowns at
the bottom of the river where he decays over the years.]
It betrayed Pissildur to his death.
And some things that should not have been tasted were swallowed. The Bean
remained stone; the stone became lost. And for two and a half thousand years
the Bean passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a
new keeper.
Colon:
My preciousss.
[We see Colon holding the Bean in his hand, then a shot of the Crusty
Mountains.]
The Bean came to the creature Colon who took it deep into the intestines
of the Crusty Mountains. And there it consumed him.
[We see Colon, deep in a cave, squatting in an outhouse, looking at the
petrified Bean in his hand.]
Colon:
"It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My Preciousss... Pfbbbffftttt!"
The Bean brought to Colon
unnatural long farts. For 500 years it poisoned his gut. And in the gloom of
Colon's outhouse it waited.
Fumes crept back in the forest of the world. Rumour grew of a chef in the East, whispers of a nameless
nutritionist.
And the Bean of Power perceived, its time had now come.
[We hear the sound of rock on rock, echoing through Colon's cave, and we see
the Bean falling.]
It abandoned Colon. But something happened then, the Bean did not intend.
It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.
[A hand is seen on the Bean.]
Beano:
"What's this?"
A Ploppit. Beano Crappins of the
Mire.
[We see a full view of a Ploppit, who feels it, then smiles. We notice that the
bean has returned to a freshened state... not squishy, but firm.]
Beano:
"A bean".
Colon:
[Offstage, in the distance]: "Lost! My Precious is lost!!!"
[We see the outside of the Crusty Mountains, now moving away
from them.]
For the time would soon come when Ploppits would shape the fortunes of all.
[The screen blacks out.]