This is something I wrote back when season 4 was only begining to unfold and for some reason I never uploaded it. Anyway, let me know if you like it and if I should continue with this.
You know that feeling you get before something big is about to happen. That anxious feeling like something is going to go wrong and you'll fail. That feeling in the pit of your stomach – like butterflies morphed into bees.
Usually I get it quite often. And it's not like I'm insecure or anything but, I guess, it's a thing of mine to feel extremely nervous and unsure right when I'm about to board on a plane or take a train somewhere. I've never told this to anyone, but every time I leave I feel like I'm not gonna make it back.
I guess you could call me paranoid.
Once at school, for no apparent reason it seemed, I felt this knot in my stomach. I mean I wasn't leaving for anywhere or anything. Also I felt like I was going to faint any minute now. I even imagined, kind of, how I'm going fall to the ground – gracefully yet tragically – and how my classmates would react. I'd scare the shit out of Elena.
But nothing happened. I remained in my plastic chair in the old stinky classroom. I looked around if anyone noticed anything or, maybe, wanted to tell me I looked a bit pale or something. But, again, nothing happened.
It isn't until now that I realize that despite what I thought this anxiety has never actually left me since then. Sometimes it gets stronger until my palms are sweating. Sometimes I almost don't feel anything. There are even times I think it might be gone. But then it comes back tenfold.
Then it feels too much like death.
I would say I have no reason to feel things like that, but it may be not completely true. For one - Klaus got his ass back in town parading around and claiming some real shit was about to blow up.
Then there was Elena who can't survive without killing and won't survive if she actually kills an innocent human being. So she turned Matt into a walking McDonalds and we all pretend it's ok for her to snack on her friends.
Damon is sure Elena will be able to get through all this and that she'll eventually get used to being a vampire. But I can see her going off the rails bit by bit.
She's always been secretive – not to tell obsessed – about making a martyr out of herself. But she has never kept so many secrets from Stefan. He must feel hurt.
I know because I did. It felt so awful when Elena started drifting from me into awaiting arms of the Salvatores.
And then there is my Grams. I don't even know where to start here. Seeing her dying once again was like a knife to my heart. I felt like dying myself. I didn't want to think about it but I doubt I could ever stop.
As much as I wanted to place the blame on somebody's head I always ended up blaming myself.
"We needed you and you weren't there! You didn't even bother to pick up your goddamn phone. Why the hell would you need one if you don't know how to use it?" The air in Salvatore library was charged, to say the least. With Damon snarling his lungs out at me, I only prayed there wasn't any stakes nearby – I was seconds away from putting him out of his misery.
"Well I'm sorry I didn't appear at your first call." I responded sharply.
"I know Professor Creepy is a hottie. But you chose pretty inconvenient time to set up your love life" His expression was of angry ones which in turn got me even more agitated to shut him.
"Well, I'm glad you have yours all set up for you" Eyebrows lifting I pressed my lips into the tightest of the lines.
"Will you guys stop this, please?" Right. Saved by the angel, I thought sarcastically. Beautiful as always Elena stood close to us – a lot closer then I expected her to be actually – with her hands on her hips and tired expression on her face.
Come to think about it, all this made me quite depressed. I was so tired to bicker with Damon, soothe Elena. I was tired of doing spells and being the back-up plan. I was tired of being here.
As if Elena wasn't compassionate enough and didn't blame herself for everything, fate graced her with vivid hallucinations for killing the hunter. This drove my friend even deeper into the frenzy and when one lovely night she attacked Jeremy it became painfully obvious something needed to be done and it needed to be done fast.
Once again I was left alone with a problem to be solved. They didn't expect anything else than success. They didn't care how I was going to save Elena as long as things got better.
But having zero knowledge on those hunters I had no idea how I was of any help.
That's how I ended up tied to a fucking chair at night in a dim lit class room where professor Shane kept his books and where we used to practice.
After some denying the fact that no one was going to save my ass, I somehow settled in and I tried to think of my possible ways out.
For one I could light a candle and scare him to death with it. Right. So I tried to talk myself out.
"I thought I could trust you" I said quiet and disappointed as hell. I wasn't sure he heard me because had his back to me and for a fine minute he didn't responded in any kind.
Then he turned slowly. "I'm doing this to help you. You'll thank me later. You will." I doubted that a lot. I puffed out some air but otherwise stayed silent.
I was quite hurt, to tell the truth. Somewhere along us practicing magic we made out a little and I foolishly hoped for some sort of continuation. But no avail, apparently.
"Bonnie, that man – hunter – is dead now. You hear what I'm saying – dead. One of your so called friends killed him. You, of course, won't tell me who… but I understand… I wouldn't too." He came to the chair and hovered above me. "He was a key to some riddles I really wanted to solve…"
"Okay." I desperately tried to stay rational. "But why keep me here? What do you expect to happen?" He leaned in close and caressed my cheek with his fingertips.
"We'll see… who comes for you… who loses their mind because of those nasty hallucinations. You and me… we're going to wait and see."