Chapter Two
He was standing there, smiling, but he hadn't moved yet. Oh God, had she done the right thing telling him now, here?
It was just so much had happened and she was for some strange reason unable to keep her nerves and emotions contained. Sitting in the waiting room listening to Angela and waiting for the baby had forced Brennan to think of her own situation. She couldn't think of anything other than the overwhelming news she was dealing with. She had not really digested it, let alone shared it with anyone. How was she going to tell him, she wondered for the hundredth time that day? How would he feel about it? How did she feel about it? It was all so new, and being honest, extremely unexpected. She remembered looking down at the pregnancy test willing the time to past quickly. She could remember watching the line inch across the window and the way her hand shook holding it. How had she managed to let this happen? She was always so careful; the one to take extra measures even. A baby, Booth's baby, her and Booth's baby, her stomach hollowed out and a spike of thrill shot down her arms and legs. The week had started out like any other except, Brennan had been feeling exceptionally tired and her period was a few days late. After the death of Mr. Nigel Murray and the sudden emotional turmoil of her new found relationship, was that even what it was – a relationship, with Booth she was not overly worry. It was well within the realm of normal and somewhat expected to be a little off her normal cycle. Still there was this uneasiness that seemed to settle in the pit of her stomach when she spent any time thinking about it. So rationally, the irony escaped her, she didn't think about it. Then one day she had gone into Angela's office to ask her about going to lunch and Hodgins was there kneeling with his head resting on Angie's tummy murmuring, I love you. They both turned to see Brennan burst into tears. She had no idea why, it was absurd really. Hodgins was overly affection and sappy. She however was not. She had, of course, immediately left the sight seeking refuge in her office and in her work. She sat on her couch holding a file in hand but starring off, unfocused. Angela had followed her.
"Brennan sweetie, are you okay?" the concern in Angela's voice caused another hitch in her breathing and a lump to form in her throat.
"I am…, I am…, I am not sure what I am right now Angela."
Angela sat down concern etched on her soft features. She looked at Brennan noticing the smudges under her eyes and the pallor of her skin.
"Ok Brennan, what is going on? You have been acting different. You have been feeling ill and unable to focus."
Angela's head tilted and she raised one eyebrow. She knew that Brennan would not be forthright and might not even realize herself just what it was, but that was not going to stop her from pushing her friend to talk.
"Nothing Angela, I am merely tired and feeling an excessive amount of stress due to the last few weeks of work and issues that I have had to deal with."
Brennan tried to infuse her voice with a dismissive tone but was mortified when she heard the waiver in her voice. What was going on? She very rarely had this much trouble controlling her emotions. Everyone thought she was so cold, so emotionless. The truth was she worked very hard to keep all of those emotions buried and within her control. She couldn't let those slip. When they did she couldn't stay in control, stay rational. Most importantly she couldn't stay safe. With Booth all of that was in danger, she knew that. She also knew that she wanted him. And in her quiet alone moments when she was being honest with herself she knew that what she really wanted was his love. She started thinking of Booth, of his touch, his soft words whispered to her. A tear slipped down her cheek. Unaware she distractedly reached up and brushed it away.
A look of genuine concern passed over Angela's face as she slid over and wrapped her arm around Brennan's shoulder. Bren laid her head on Angela's shoulder and her tears began to fall.
"Brennan, I am worried about you sweetie. What can I do? How can I help?"
"I don't know Angela, I am just unsure. I think I am going to just take a few minutes to rest and then get back to work. I need to find some work to distract me and that will help. I'll be ok. Thanks for being a good friend Angela."
"Brennan, I am going to keep an eye on you. Maybe you should tell Booth…"
"NO!" The force that she said no with had Angela raising her eyebrow. What was going on with Brennan and Booth? They had slept together after Mr. Nigel Murray's death, Brennan had told her, and it had seemed like things were ok and finally, FINALLY, heading where they should have gone years ago. She had seen a change in the partners. One she thought, no knew, they both liked and wanted. So what was going on?
"I just thought that with everything between you two that he would be the one to turn to."
"Angela, I just don't want to talk to or about Booth right now."
"Did you two have a fight or something?"
At Brennan's quick shake of her head, Angela immediately began to shift to face Brennan.
"Please don't tell me you are having second thoughts about Booth, about you and Booth."
"No Angela, it's just that…"
"oh," a startled gasp escaped from Angela quickly followed by a breathy laugh.
"What is it Ang? Are you having labor pains?"
"No, I am clearly not the only one who doesn't like the idea of you changing your mind about Booth. The baby is kicking like crazy."
Angela's hands went to her stomach. Brennan watched and then asked, "Can I?" Angela nodded and smiled. Brennan gingerly placed her hand on Angela's swollen stomach. The first flutter was light and Brennan pressed a little harder. The baby thumped her hand with more force than Brennan had thought possible. It was unlike anything she had felt in all her scientific studies. A bubble of joy burst from her in an exuberant laugh. Angela's hands reached down and covered hers and she smiled with love and happiness that Brennan was sharing this moment with her.
"Thanks Ang, thank you."
"No Sweetie, thank you. You are going to be an amazing Aunt!"
Brennan's laugh was genuine. "I imagine so. I think I am feeling better now."
Recognizing the dismissive statement as typical Brennan, Angela got up and started towards the door.
"If you need me sweetie I will be right down the hall."
"I know where your office is Angela, but I don't anticipate my work requiring your artist's expertise this afternoon."
Angela step out of Brennan's office but turned and looked back through the glass. She was concerned as she watched Brennan curl up on the couch and rest her head on its arm. It was so unlike Brennan and no matter how much she tried to convince her she was ok, Angela just didn't believe it. She made a quick decision and hurriedly headed toward her office. She would deal with the fall out, whatever that might be, later.
"Awwwwww, owwwww,"
Angie's obvious discomfort broke through Brennan's reverie and she quickly brought herself back to the present situation. She sat back with an exhalation. That was going to be her in nine months. What was she going to do? Everything was going to change. Would anyone be sitting in the waiting room anticipating the birth, worrying about her? Would Booth be there or with her? Would she be alone, did she want to be alone? She looked around the waiting room at these people who had become, somehow, her family. Each one of them had somehow managed to become important to her, to become irreplaceable. She knew that she was afraid of what they would feel about this because she wanted them to love and support her. She wanted this family to stay and be hers. She might not know how that would work or ultimately what that would mean but she knew that she want them.
Booth glanced over at Brennan, she looked different he had noticed the last few days, right now she looked concerned, no terrified. Was this just concern for Ang and her baby, or was this something more. He glanced away, worry nagging at the back of his mind. He wasn't going to borrow trouble, not tonight when there was going to be so much to feel good about. Unfortunately he couldn't control the turn of his thoughts, his mind drifted to the phone call he had received earlier from Angela.
"This is Booth."
"Booth this is Angela. How are you?"
"Fine, what's up Angela? You ok?"
"Fine, I'm fine. It's Brennan…"
"What," he practically yelled in the phone, "What is wrong with Brennan? Where is she? What's happened? Talk to me Angela."
"Whoa there cowboy, everything is ok Booth. Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," Angela smiled into the phone.
She continued, "I am just worried about her. She seems excessively upset. She is not being her usual, rational, self. She has been crying and right now she is sleeping. In her office. At work."
Booth waited a second as the icy fingers of terror slowly let go of his heart allowing it to start beating at a normal speed. He had noticed that Brennan had seemed different lately. She was distant and more quiet than normal. He had thought at first that it was just everything that had happenedwith the squint's death and the change in their "partnership". Brennan took time to adjust and he knew that emotionally this had been a lot for her to deal with in such a small amount of time. He hadn't wanted to consider that it was not going to work with them, he couldn't consider it. Going back would not be an option. If this didn't work out then he would have to walk away, because he would never recover from losing her. He loved her too much.
"Booth, did you hear me? She walked into my office and started crying. Booth I am really worried. I think you should come over here. I think maybe she needs to go to a doctor or something. I don't know Booth, I just am really scared. I have never seen her like this."
The panic in Angela's voice did nothing to help settle Booth's uneasiness.
"I'm on my way."
Booth walked into Bones' office and was completely caught off guard by the site of Brennan sleeping on her couch. She looked so fragile, which was silly because she was the toughest person he knew. But laying there her feet curled up and tucked under her, her hands pillowed under her cheek made her look young and innocent. His chest tightened at the site of her. He had to fight the urge to go to her and pick her up, cradle her, love her. She would never allow it. He stood for a few minutes longer and watched. He quietly walked over and knelt beside Brennan. He gently ran his finger along her cheek.
"Hey Bones…baby," he murmured softly.
Her eyes blinked open and locked on Booth's face. He was looking at her so tenderly. She instantly broke into tears. He leaned over and she reached up at the same time. The hug was fierce and comforting, and just what they both needed. After a long moment they pulled back. Brennan sat up making room for Booth to sit next to her.
"What's going on Bones?"
"Nothing Booth, I am fine.
"Bones this," he absently waved his hand in the air, "is not nothing or fine. Is this about us, about what happened? Because if it is then you know that it was a good thing and that there is no pressure from me. We have time, we are solid. We can go slowly, but you have to know that we aren't going back. I won't take it back." The words rushed out with more force than he had intended.
"I don't know what this is about. It is nothing, really. I am feeling just a little under the weather."
"Ok Bones, then we are going to call the Doctor and go make sure everything is fine."
"Really Booth I am fine. You are being too dramatic."
"Either you make the call or I will. And then I will be escorting you there." Histone made it clear he would brook no argument.
"Fine, I will do it."
"Now Bones."
Brennan looked at him and began to argue and then realized that he was right and he would not let her win this one. She rose to her feet and went to the phone at her desk. Her movements stiff and a little irritated. Booth followed her standing opposite of her across the desk. He watched her as she dialed the number. She was so beautiful, even with the effects of whatever she was dealing with. He loved her; again the thought assailed him with clarity and a strength that caused him to glance down at his feet worried that she might see it written on his face. He knew that he needed to go slow and give her time, he was just so worried that he wouldn't be able to and that would be disastrous for them both. He knew firsthand how disastrous that could be. The memory of them in the office made him look at her again sitting in the waiting room. He wondered what the doctor had said to her. She had had the strangest look on her face and it took her a moment to answer whatever question had been asked. Whatever the question was she had answered no, but even he felt unconvinced by her answer. All she had told him was that she had an appointment tomorrow. He was taking her, even though she would fight him and tell him that she was capable of driving herself, he was going. He would sit in the car if that is what she wanted but he was going. She looked so uneasy and unsure sitting there. Maybe he could talk her in to staying the night. Most nights she fought it, but maybe he could convince her that it would be for him and it would just be about sleep. If between the convincing and the bed he could get her to see it would beneficial for them both if was about more than sleep well there was nothing wrong with that was there? He sat back smiling thinking of her in his bed.
"Awwwwwwww."
"Come on, good Angie."
The muffled sounds traveled to the waiting room. Brennan just wanted this to be over for Angie. She hated that her friend was in pain. She rationally knew that pain was part of the process of child birth but emotionally she hated that part of it. She had a fairly high tolerance for pain; she had been through several different types of injuries and experiences of pain. But this was different, this pain. She thought back to her phone call to the doctor. Booth had insisted on her calling and was hovering. She dialed her doctor and told the receptionist she would like an appointment. The receptionist had asked her what was going on. Brennan quickly explained that she had been feeling unwell for about a week, that she was extremely fatigued, and somewhat emotional. There was a paused and then the receptionist had asked Brennan if there was any chance she could be pregnant. Shock had sliced through her and momentarily robbed her of her ability to think. She answered no which was quickly followed by a nervous, dismissive laugh. The receptionist had scheduled her appointment and Brennan hung up the phone. Her thoughts were in chaos. She had looked up to see Booth watching her with a quizzical look. She had to get rid of him, immediately.
"I have an appointment in two days, happy?"
"Yep," he gave her a cocky grin, knowing he won.
"Booth I am fine. I have work to do and I am sure you want to get out of the lab. How about we meet at the Founding Fathers for dinner?"
Booth looked at her for a moment knowing he was missing something but not sure what it was. She was dismissing him in typical Brennan fashion.
"Ok Bones, let's meet there around 7:00pm. Does that work for you?"
Brennan had already stood up and was rounding her desk to grab her lab coat. She looked at him and forced a smiled.
"That sounds good Booth. I will see you then."
Booth stepped in front of her and without reservation grabbed her face in his hands and kissed her, thoroughly. She leaned into his kiss for a long moment then pulled away swatting at him.
"Booth," she hissed, "stop it! Not at work!"
He let go of her and chuckled to himself as he left Brennan off balance in her office.
Pregnant, the receptionist had asked her if there was any chance she was pregnant. At first she had scoffed at the thought and then flashes of Booth naked, above her, filling her had flooded her mind. She had gone instantly cold. How could she have not put the evidence together and figured out the possibility on her own. She had needed to get rid of Booth, quickly. As soon as he had left the office she had grabbed her keys and headed to the store. She returned and headed straight to the bathroom. She took several deep breaths and squared her shoulders. There is no way she was pregnant. It just wasn't possible, well she knew scientifically it was possible, but statistically the odds of it happening made it nearly impossible. Only the test in her shaking hand stated otherwise. She shook her head slightly and sat with a thump on the toilet lid. A baby. She had the sample re-tested and waited for the results to show up across her desk. She tried to work on several different projects with no success. Images filled her mind. Her pregnant and awkward feeling off balance and miserable, Booth hovering and mothering her lovingly, them together with their child and Parker on a family outing, Booth's private smile that he shared only with her, Booth holding their tiny baby in his strong arms. The images caused her to ache with wanting and to panic with an irrational fear. The results laid there for several minutes face down on her desk. She was unsure of what she wanted more at this moment, a positive or a negative finding. That was a bold face lie, she knew. She flipped the paper over and saw the truth and knew that the appointment tomorrow was only going to reconfirm what two tests had already told her, she was pregnant.
All sounds had stopped behind the door of the labor room and then the soft wailing of a newborn could be heard. Moments later the door opened and Hodgins came out holding his son. Booth was struck with a wave of unexpected jealousy. He had Parker where had that come from? He could remember the feeling he had right before Parker had been born. He had wanted to be there more then he wanted to breathe. He went AWOL to be by Rebecca's side, even though she had made it clear that it would not be a place he would be permanently occupying. He knew why he was jealous, he wanted what Hodgins had. The family, a real family, and the whole nine yards: wife, babies, picket fence, and even maybe a dog named Ripley. Parker was his son, his family, but he shared him with Rebecca and her boyfriend. He wanted fatherhood to be full time and he wanted his child all to himself. He quickly shook the thoughts from his mind, knowing that the odds of getting that were not in his favor, and wanting to share in this moment with his friends, but most especially with Bones. Look at her, he thought. Look at how captivated she is by the baby, she is radiating. God, she is beautiful. Why couldn't he have it all he thought, but deep down he knew. He wasn't sure, even now, that things would work out, that he would finally get to be happy and in love. He doubted his own worth and he was beginning to believe that he didn't deserve love and happiness for all of his past transgressions. He had tried to atone, tried to be a good person but God had kept punishing him by taking what he wanted most and keeping it out of his reach. Maybe God knew he was the same as his old man and was protecting them, all of them, from him. He looked back at Hodgins and the baby and tasted bile in the back of his throat. He pasted on a smile, but suddenly felt as wary as Bones looked.
Look at Michael, so tiny, so perfect how could she ever have thought twice about how amazing a baby would be. Of course so much would change and her life and Booth's life would be altered in ways that even she couldn't wrap her brain around. Would Booth feel good about this, he already had a son, would he want another child, a child with her? She knew one thing she would love this child more than anything. How could she not, she loved Booth more than anything. Angela looked so peaceful and more beautiful then Brennan had ever seen her look. She was relieved to see her friend. As she talked with Angie about the birth apprehension started to creep back into her consciousness. She knew, looking and listening to Angela that she needed to tell Booth. Now. Tonight.
They were walking in companionable silence when Brennan began talking about the baby and how much it was going to change Angela's and Hodgins' lives. She sounded really apprehensive, extremely troubled. What was going on? Warning bells went off in his head and he knew he had to figure out what was really bothering her. He stopped her and looked at her seeing a look on Bones face that scared him. What the hell was going on?
"I'm, I'm pregnant."
For one moment he was blinded by the white hot light that flooded his vision. Pregnant. All he could think of was how unfair this was, how could this be happening to him again, another reason for him to not be 100% happy and with the person he loved, another reason why he could not have her 100% to himself for himself. He loved her and of course that meant that he couldn't have her and be happy. He knew she was no monk, but he really hadn't thought that she was with anyone recently. She hadn't mentioned anyone, even casually being in the picture before that night. They had been drifting towards each other the last couple of months and he didn't think it was one sided at all this time. He knew she wouldn't sleep with him and with someone else, didn't he? Of course he did. It all seemed so unfair. All he wanted was the ability to love one woman without any interference or reasons why he couldn't. And now she was telling him she was coming into this relationship, this changing partnership, pregnant with someone's baby. He of course would get over it and deal with it. He could not walk away from this woman. But deep down he knew it would never be the same, be what he envisioned, and be all it could have been.
"You're the father."
The words pierced his thoughts, bursting them like a pin being pushed into an over filled balloon. The relief threaten to buckle his knees. He was the father, him. She was pregnant with his baby. His baby. The joy started as a small pinpoint in his stomach and quickly engulfed his entire being. He knew he had to be standing there grinning like a fool but he just really didn't care. He couldn't even begin to put his thoughts into any coherent pattern and he could only stand there smiling. In a space of thirty seconds a plethora of pictures played out in his mind. Brennan swollen with his baby, waking up to her in their bed, staying up with her for midnight feedings, holding their baby, loving her. In one motion he moved forward and grabbed her to him. He hugged her tightly sweeping her in a wide arc. The words burst from his lips, no really his heart, before he could stop them, think about them, realize they would instantly frighten her.
A baby? Really? That is beyond wonderful. We are going to be a family, a real family. We can live together then get married. I can hardly believe it a baby, my baby. We will get a place and Parker…Parker is going to be a big brother and you are going to be a Mom Bones. Mamma Bones, what did I tell you? We are going to be together."
Brennan felt his arms go around her and sagged in relief. Well at least he wasn't angry. Then is words penetrated that relief. She heard family, together, married and instantly was paralyzed with panic. She had to leave. She couldn't do this. Her head screamed no and her body was tensing for the flight. She didn't want this, she wasn't the marrying kind, and she wanted Booth to be involved but not in charge. Everything she had always wanted was right there and she knew if she grabbed for it, it would slip through her fingers and she would lose it all. She wanted to run and protect herself.
"Bones….Bones did you hear me?"
She blinked up at Booth realizing he had set her back and was looking at her.
"I'm sorry Booth I was missing in thought. What did you say?"
"Its lost in thought Bones, lost in thought. I said that we should go back to my place and celebrate. Maybe even start making some plans. You should move in or I guess I could move in with you, whatever works. We should celebrate first, definitely and then talk."
Looking at him she knew exactly how he wanted to celebrate. A hot flush crept up her neck to her cheeks. But at the moment even the allure of them naked in bed together was not enough to squelch her uneasiness, her fear.
"I think Booth that I just want to go home, alone. I am tired from the long day and really could use some sleep. We can discuss how we are going to handle this event in the morning, at the diner over coffee maybe."
Her words caused ice to fill his veins. He dropped his hands from her shoulders quickly and shoved them into his pockets. He was unnerved by the desire to force her into a cab with him and into his apartment. He didn't step back as so much as sway back putting some distance between their bodies. What the hell he thought.
Brennan watched the play of emotion over Booth's face. He looked furious and hurt. She hadn't meant to cause him any pain. Her head was starting to ache and she was starting to crack. She felt like if someone had poked her she would shatter into a million pieces right then and there. He had closed his eyes and was taking a deep breath. She needed him to know that she wasn't giving up on them she just wasn't sure what "them" meant, especially to her.
"Booth, I love you…
Stars shot across his eyelids and a sob caught in his throat. She had not said those words to him yet. Those words he had so desperately wanted to hear from her. The realization of just how much he had wanted no needed her to say that to him hit him forcing his eyes open. He looked at her and was sick by what he saw, the realization that while she meant what she said there was more and the more wasn't what he would like. He wanted to cover his ears and make a noise in a juvenile attempt to drown out whatever caveat she was about to add to her words. He looked down at her warily.
"I do. It is just I am not ready for this, all of this. You talk marriage but I am beginning to wonder if that really means anything to you other than a way to anchor someone to you and make it easier to deal with your issues while making harder for them to leave. Rebecca, Hannah both of them were about what, marriage and them, or you? You told me that Hannah wasn't a consolation prize, then what was she? I don't want to be a consolation prize, especially because of a baby. I am capable of doing this without you, but if I am going to do it with you than it has to be on my terms. You wanted 30, 40, 50 years but when I was unsure, unable you left. You left and you found…her. You didn't stay. You didn't fight for me for us then. What am I to you? I want, I don't know what I want but I know that right now I can't do this, here with you. I need some time, some space. I want to believe in this, in us but what if I can't give you what you need when you need it. Will you leave then? Again."
Her voice was laced with pain and fear and tears and anger unlike she had felt up until this point. The truth of what she said suddenly hit her. There was so much she was unresolved about where her and Booth where concerned, especially involving Hannah. She hated being this vulnerable but where Booth was concerned her feelings were raw and her need overpowering. She wanted him to force her, to grab her and tell her he had no idea what it all meant but that he didn't care about any of it except for her. She was all he cared about. She wanted him to sweep her up in his arms and kiss the fear from her. She would be damned if she ever would tell him that but the truth was there for him to see if he just looked. She waited a pregnant moment watching him. He just stood there looking crushed, confused, and angry. She turned and signaled cab. Got in and stared at him through the smudge glass.
He put his head in his hands and thought back to the sight of her in that cab. He had wanted to yank the door open and pull her out of it. He had wanted to yell at her, to rage at her. His feet had been rooted to the cement. He was afraid of the rage boiling within him, at himself, at her, at the situation. He couldn't move for fear of what would happen. Is this what his dad had felt? The thought came unbidden into his mind. He stood there sick at himself for all of it. He had stood there long after the cab had left just starring blindly into the dark street. He had shook himself from his morose thoughts and somehow managed to find his way home. And now here he sat on the edge of his empty bed, the alarm clock victim to his impotence and rage. Wondering how he had managed to screwed this up. This moment that held so much potential for happiness and promise and he had screwed it up. What the hell was he going to do now?