Back to Good, a will and grace fanfic

Back to Good

Setting: 8th season, right after "Partners 'n Crime"

Summary: Karen wants to work things out with Stanley but wonders if things have changed too much.

Author's Note: I don't mean to do so many songfics, but I hear a song and I get inspiration. I also realize that it isn't winter during this episode, but imagine that Karen's been feeling this for many months, if you will.

The winter here's cold and bitter

It's chilled us to the bone

We haven't seen the sun for weeks

Too long, too far from home

I feel just like I'm sinking

And I claw for solid ground

I'm pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go

Karen ran the brush through her silken tresses, feeling it pull lightly on her scalp. She relished in the slight pain and wondered why she felt so hollow. For two years, Karen had wished she could see Stanley once more, to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him how much she loved him. Then the unthinkable happened and Stanley was back in her life. The details were still foggy and Karen didn't fully understand all that had transpired, but initially, she hadn't cared. She had been so unbelievably elated to have Stanley back in her life that momentarily, she'd forgotten everything.

She'd forgotten that she'd been in the process of divorcing him. She'd forgotten that he'd cheated on her. She'd forgotten that he'd hurt her beyond belief. But she'd also forgotten that she'd been moments away from cheating on him as well.

Karen still loved Stanley; she always had. Through prison, through Lionel Banks, through the debacle with Lorraine, through the almost-divorce, through his death, and through the following two years. She'd never stopped and part of her knew she never would. But things were different now. Things were so very different that Karen feared they'd never be the same again.

They didn't talk about much anymore. Karen still discussed her day and whatever zany thing Jack or Grace had said or done. Stan would still talk about what happened at work. They'd discuss the kids and the help and the news. They'd talk about everything except what really needed to be discussed.

Stan constantly walked on eggshells around Karen now, apparently afraid of the fact that she was suddenly going to remember their impending divorce from years ago. Any fight that seemed like to occur was quickly snuffed by Stan in favor of more neutral topics.

This was perhaps what bothered Karen the most. She wasn't a fighter by nature and never tried to purposely instigate anything, but sometimes, heated altercations had the ability to calm her down and help her get things off of her chest. She and Stan had perfected the fight-and-make-up routine and she considered it one of the things that strengthened her marriage the most. But now Stan wouldn't bring up anything likely to spark the most casual of debates and Karen suspected it was out of fear that she'd ultimately leave him.

This realization didn't help in the least. Karen still harbored immense guilt over her near-affair with Lionel Banks and she knew hashing it out with Stan would make her feel so much better. But Stan wouldn't talk with her about anything of real importance anymore.

Even their love life was different. Stan's careful, hesitant demeanor toward Karen certainly transferred to the bedroom and it frustrated Karen beyond belief. She missed the days when Stanley would grab her, drag her against him, and relentlessly pursue the ultimate satisfaction. She joked with others that Stan wanted to sleep with her every five minutes but that was to dissuade anyone from questioning her relationship with him. Certainly no one would notice the difference, but if anyone actually asked, Karen doubted she could keep up the charade without giving too much away.

Olivia and Mason had been confused and hurt and had had no trouble showing it. Stan's relationship with his children harbored slight tension but Olivia and Mason were quick to forgive and forget. They were, after all, getting older and had other things on their mind. But Karen was sure Olivia, at the very least, had noticed changes in her father's personality but had inherited Stan's habit of sweeping things under their Persian rug for someone else to clean up.

Karen had tried to seek solace with Jack but realized after several fruitless attempts that she should have known better. It wasn't that Jack didn't care; it was more that his capacity for other peoples' business was unfortunately small and even smaller after his new stint on a television show. She didn't doubt how much he cared for her or how concerned he would be if he knew she was going through such a rough time, but that didn't change the fact that Karen literally had no one to talk to.

If all of the strength and all of the courage

Come and lift me from this place

I know I can love you much better than this

Full of grace, full of grace

My love

After visiting Jack, Karen entered her penthouse the next day, heart pounding and blood pulsing through her ears. She wasn't prepared for this and it wasn't even as though she truly wanted it. But there seemed to be no other alternative. Their relationship had changed too much after roughly three years apart and Stan showed no inclination to help better things.

She approached the first maid she could find and asked where her husband was.

"I believe he's in the bedroom, ma'am," the woman replied.

Karen absentmindedly thanked her and walked up the stairs to their bedroom. She pushed open the door and walked to the middle of it, finding him in his closet, hanging up his tie.

"Hi, Stanley," Karen said as a greeting.

Without looking up from his tie rack, Stan replied, "Hi, Karen. How was your day?"

The automatic pleasantry held no feeling or emotion; he wasn't truly concerned with how her day had gone. If he was, he didn't show it. "It was fine. Stan, I…I think we need to talk."

Stan finally looked up. He saw the graveness of Karen's face and exited the closet, coming closer to her. Still, he did not respond, though Karen saw a flicker of fear course through his eyes.

"This isn't working," Karen said nervously, using her thumb to twist her wedding ring around her finger.

Stan looked at her and Karen could see it in his eyes. He was giving up. Karen angrily wondered exactly what he was giving up; he hadn't been trying to save their failing marriage.

"So…so I think you should move out," Karen said, firming her resolve and feeling her heart tighten in her chest.

Stan looked at Karen a few moments longer before walking past her and leaving their room.

Karen felt a bolt of fiery rage storm within her and angry tears build in her eyes. She'd thought that, if anything, this would have sparked some emotion in Stan. She'd thought he would have fought to save this. She thought she meant more to him than that.

For a moment, she considered chasing after him and demanding to talk about their marriage but decided against it. He clearly didn't want to and if he didn't, then damnit, neither did she.

So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we say and do
Hurts us all the more
It's just that we stayed too long
In the same old sickly skin

I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go

Stan entered his and Karen's bedroom once more. He took a relieved breath as he discovered that she wasn't in there. He didn't want her to demand answers, to call him on his cowardice, to question why he was so different. He didn't think she'd understand and had therefore decided to keep it to himself.

He'd thought his family would welcome him back. He thought that they would have been so excited to see him, but he'd been so very wrong. Karen had been jumpy and her kisses seemed forced. Olivia and Mason, once their initial shock had worn off, were standoffish and reluctant to move back into the manse. He knew the adjustment must have been hard on all of them but it seemed they were unable to work things out as a family anymore.

Stan pulled out his luggage and began folding his shirts and then neatly stacking them in his suitcases. He wasn't sure where he'd go but presently he was more concerned with leaving the manse, as Karen had suggested he do.

As he was placing his dress shoes in another suitcase, the sound of the bedroom door closing startled him. He jumped up and glanced over, surprised to see Karen standing there.

"Well, that was more emotion than I've seen out of you in these last few months," Karen remarked, crossing her arms.

"I don't know what you mean, Karen," Stan said quietly, reaching for another pair of shoes.

"What happened to you, Stanley?" Karen asked. "Why are you so different? Why have you suddenly turned into such a…such a coward?"

Stan deflated. "I…I don't know."

"Yes, you do! I don't understand why you won't talk to me anymore," Karen said.

"Excuse me for not wanting to chat it up with someone who just kicked me out of my home," Stan snapped, glaring at Karen. Instead of yelling, screaming, or any of the other angry rebuttals, Stan was surprised to see Karen smile.

"There's my husband," Karen said. "Get mad, Stan. Let it out. We need to talk if we want to save this marriage."

"You seem to have already given up," Stan replied with a shrug.

"Only because I suspected you had," Karen told him. "You can't deny that things are different, Stan. But we can't change it if we don't talk. Talk to me, Stan. Fight with me. Yell at me, I don't care, I just want to work on this."

"I don't know what there is to talk about," Stan lied.

Karen placed her hand on her hip and looked at him. Stan nearly smiled at this all-too-familiar gesture but held it back, knowing that Karen was about to begin a tirade. "How about how different you are? You've been walking in eggshells ever since you came back to us and I have to tell you, it's a miraculous feat considering your size. You won't talk to me about anything mildly controversial. You don't even touch me the same way! You've been handling me with kid gloves, like you've just met me, not like I'm the wife you've had for nearly ten years now-"

"You really want to bring that up?" Stan asked suddenly, dropping his shoes into his suitcase and turning to face her fully. "You have the audacity to claim that you've truly been my wife for ten years? What about when I was in prison? How often did you visit me? I know it was hard on you, Kare, but it wasn't a trip to the candy store for me, either. You never visited me and then mere months after I get out, you decide to divorce me."

"Oh ho ho, that's an interesting version of the events. Took some artistic license there, didn't you, Stan?" Karen shot back. "You seem to have left out a little detail, a detail by the name of Lorraine." Stan winced. "What, you can't handle to hear her name? Does it bring up such an ache within you because you miss her so much?"

"On the contrary, my dear wife, it brings up a part of my past that I regret. I can't expect you to understand how lonely I was, but it was to such a point that I needed something, anything, to take away the pain of missing you. Lorraine was there and she paid attention to me in the way you used to. But it's not like I can expect you to understand anything like that."

Karen looked down at her feet, her hair coming forward to hide her face. Stan looked confused at this reaction. "I…I do understand."

"How?"

"Stan, I never told you this, but I think it's time I did," Karen said timidly. She took a deep breath. "A few weeks before you got out of prison, I was at a bar one night and this man came up to me. He flirted with me and propositioned me and I almost said yes. Well, I did say yes, but when I went up to his hotel room, I couldn't go through with it."

Stan's eyes widened and he nearly began an angry litany himself. Hot, boiling rage rose within him and threatened toerupt like a geyser.But then he paused and saw Karen, so tiny and so vulnerable, and his anger fizzled, disappearing as quickly as it had arrived. "I can't pretend like that doesn't hurt, Karen, but I also can't blame you. I did the same thing, only I…I went further than you did."

It was the first time Stan had come close toactually mentioning his affair and what had occurred. Karen looked at him with new secret hope, wondering if they could actually work things out. "I was so lonely, Stanley. I missed you so much. So I…I guess I can understand where you were coming from as well with Lorraine. I didn't visit you as much as I should have."

"But I didn't make things easy on you either," Stan admitted fairly.

"So I suppose we're even," Karen said.

"Not quite," Stan replied.

Karen's eyebrow cocked up and she looked at Stan skeptically. "What else is there?"

"When I…when I left, you were divorcing me, Kare."

"You know why."

"Well, I assumed it was because you hated me and never wanted to see me again, which made it a little easier for me to leave, I'll admit," Stan confessed.

"I decided to divorce you because I was mad at you," Karen told him, her eyes widening in surprise. "I never stopped loving you, honey."

Her trademarked term of endearment cracked a smile on his face. He made to move closer to Karen but she pulled away, holding up her hand.

"Bah bah, wait a minute. If you were so heartbroken over me leaving you, why did you 'die' on top of Lorraine?" Karen made a face at the thought of it.

Stan shook his head. "I didn't. How on earth could I have remained immobile for, what did she say, two days? I'd intended on having someone find me 'dead' in my office, but then Lorraine came up with some cock-and-bull story. I figured if anything else, it would keep you mad enough at me to where you wouldn't grieve too much."

"So I wouldn't grieve too much?" Karen repeated incredulously. "Stanley, we'd been married for six years! How was I not supposed to grieve over you? Didn't you have Rosie give you updates on me?" Stan nodded. "Then didn't she tell you how…how much of a wreck I was?" Karen's voice grew softer toward the end.

Stan hung his head. "She did. She didn't go into details, but shesaid some very telling things."

"Like?"

"How you didn't drink for a week," Stan said.

"That doesn't say anything about how I'm feeling," Karen said impassively, brushing this off.

"Oh, it does. You may drink when you're anything else—angry, happy, bored," Stan explained. "But when you're truly, genuinely upset, you won't drink."

Karen narrowed her eyes. "And how did you come up with that ridiculous assumption?"

"Seven years ago, when you thought you were pregnant," Stan said softly. "After you found out that you weren't, for a couple of days after, you didn't touch a drop of alcohol."

Karen closed her eyes momentarily, then opened them andmoved further from him still. Sniffing haughtily, she said,"I don't want to talk about that."

"Now who's avoiding controversial topics?" Stan asked, half-teasingly. "All right, then, I have another question for you. Why were you dating Malcolm even after you'd found out that I was back?"

"Why do you even have to ask? I was hurt and betrayed and I wanted to see if you still felt anything for me," Karen said. "But no, you just handed me over without a fight. Such a waste, too, I would've loved to have seen a fight between you two." Stan caught a glimpse of Karen's wicked little smile before she wiped it off of her face in favor of a more unreadable expression.

Stan shook his head. "I missed you, Karebear." His beloved nickname came out naturally and he quickly turned his head to look at Karen and gauge her reaction. She smiled sweetly at him.

"I missed you, too, honey," Karen returned softly.

"Are we all right now?" Stan questioned carefully. "Are we back to good?"

"There are a few things we need to work out," Karen granted. "But overall, I think it's ok. You just have to talk to me, honey. I'm not going anywhere. I had to live without you for three years. I don't think I can do that again."

"I can't, either."

"Really, Stanley, you hurt me," Karen told him, her voice wavering slightly. "I saw you with Lorraine and I just…it hurt."

"I know," Stan said softly.

"It'll take time to get over that and to…to rebuild our trust again," Karen replied. "Part of me is afraid you'll leave."

"And part of me is afraid you'll leave," Stan countered. "Or rather, request that I do so," he added as an afterthought.

Karen nodded. "But I think we can work on this together."

"I want to," Stan said, reaching over tentatively and grasping her hand. "I don't want to lose you, Kare, you mean too much to me."

Karen squeezed his hand and stepped closer. "I'm not going anywhere, honey."

Stan pulled her even closer and slipped his arms around her, holding her tightly. "Is this better? Am I still handling you with kid gloves?"

"I'm sure you'll get it right someday," Karen replied teasingly.

Stan slid his hands over her backside and squeezed gently. "How's that?"

Karen laughed and accepted the kiss he offered. "Much better, honey, much better."

All of the strength
And all of the courage
Came and lifted me from this place
I knew I could love you much better than this
Full of grace, full of grace
My love