Non Compos Mentis

adjective

1. Mentally incapable of managing one's own affairs; of unsound mind

Death.

Many have tried to hide from it while others run straight into its arms. People spend billions on the search for immortality. Creams, drinks, food, medicine, plastic surgery all used to make you younger.

But, no matter what, you can't hide from death.

It gets us all, eventually.

Death has always been a fascinating concept for human beings. What happened when you're dying? Where do you go when you're dead? Is there another great adventure after death? Or just silent nothingness? Reincarnation or an eternal heaven?

Well, I can answer the question.

Maybe its just different for me - maybe what happens after death is different for each and every person. But for me, after I stupidly drank a little too much, and had slightly, sorta, kinda overdosed on some of my medicine, Death resulted in me passing away in my sleep and waking up in a bright, white space with the searing taste of bile in the back of my throat.

Not exactly what I expected.

You probably weren't expecting that either.

The space was clear, not any one colour or tone but just a thing of nothingness. There was no way to really describe it, just thinking about what it was hurt my head. So for the sake of my fragile and confused mindset, I referred to it as being white.

And so white it was.

The place was like a vacuum, I was talking, mumbling really, yet I couldn't hear myself. I felt no air passing from my lips, heard no noises other than the steady strum of silence. A deafening sound, though it wasn't a sound.

It scared me.

Never have I ever felt so alone, never so isolated. Think about it; even late at night or in the middle of nowhere, there's always some form of sound. It might just be the gust of wind, or the crinkling of clothes and sheets, maybe the drone of voices mingling or the distant sound of traffic. But never was it truly silent. You could always count on your own voice if things got bad.

But here, no noise escaped. Just pure and utter silence. Screaming didn't help. Crying didn't help. Hysterical laughing — not an effect.

This place was hell.

And so, several hours or days or maybe just seconds later, I curled up on what I called the floor though it could've easily been the ceiling. Or nothing. Or both. Rocking back and forth on my empty space, eyes sore and tired from crying, rimmed with red.

I probably looked horrendous.

I faintly recall someone important telling me I looked really, really bad after crying. A faint smile, a wisp of a memory brushed my mind before escaping like smoke. I didn't know anything — this place was sucking my mind out through a straw, replacing it with an empty canvas. Years ago, or maybe just a couple of minutes, I had passed away, my life fresh in my mind. Now I found myself forgetting.

Everything.

My name was nothing, my memories dying. Once in a while, an emotion struck me, sheer happiness or desolate joy before it was ripped away. Like a bandaid from skin, a wax strip from hair. Everything was going, flying away from me like dust on the wind. Everything but the fact that this place was white (or was it black?), a desperate need, a soul tearing desire to get away from here, and the fact that I was kinda, sorta, maybe going a little crazy.

Just a little.

I swear.

But it was easy to go mad here. Over here nothing made sense — yet at the same time everything did. Did it? It was times like these that I wonder if I had dreamed everything up.

My past life, I mean.

Before now.

Or maybe I was dreaming this up? But then why was I still here? Shouldn't I have already woken up? Anger and confusion coursed through my body as I grasped my hair, pulling out strands of multicoloured hair, the lack of pain further agitating me. I stared, confused, at the thin and thick pieces of red, orange, yellow and blue. Wasn't this once just brown? Wait - what was brown again? I blinked, shaking my head viciously, before staring back at the white strands of hair lining my hands. A faint thought snagged my mind, as a worrying feeling that something was incredibly wrong crept into my mind. Something was happening. And whatever it was - I didn't like it.

I stood up, pacing back and forth in mid-air. I hopped for a while, cartwheeling over the sky before coming back to rest on my spot. Confusion raged through my mind. Something was changing. I sighed, the soft sound breaking the silence.

...

Sound? I paused — not truly believing what had happened. Had I imagined it? It wouldn't of been the first time, but now I couldn't even dream of sound. Not anymore. Not now when, sometimes, even my thoughts were too loud. Not that I had that many anymore. I paused.

Should I try saying something?

I couldn't really remember how to speak. Its been too long, you see. I massaged my throat, fingernails digging into the pale (dark?) skin. Slowly, building up courage, I opened my mouth, attempting to get those stagnant muscles working again.

" "

Nothing emerged, the heavy silence seeming even louder as if it wished to torture me further. I paused, hope dying as I wondered if I had dreamed the noise yet again. Eyes staring desolately into the close distance, I attempted one more time. Just one more time, then I'll stop. I slowly opened my mouth, a fiery ball of hope burning in my stomach. Words, thoughts, ideas formed slowly in my mind, before the words I wished to say rolled down and off my tongue.

"h-hello?"

I flinched backwards, as if I could attempt to avoid the sound. The noise hurt. It hurt so badly. Pain lanced through my mind as my ears worked for the first time in centuries. Or was it only a few hours? My voice was cracked with disuse, husky and so obviously broken from the silent screaming I had done when I had first arrived. Tears streamed down my face, the first in a while, as I clawed my hands down my neck.

It was noise!

Joy flooded my mind as I collapsed in a heap. Heavy gasping emerged from my mouth, the broken noise never sounding so beautiful. I cried and laughed and cried. The harsh sounds hurt my ears but I couldn't be bothered to care. Laughter rolled from my mouth, the keening sound spiralling into the ground, or was it the sky? Pure happiness caressed my soul.

I could hear - and for the first time since I was dropped here, utter elation filled my being.

"oh thank god, oh thank god ohthankgodthankgodohthankgod." I mumbled, the sound slipping over me. "Thank You for this." I looked towards the distance, before clutching my hands together. I knew, logically, I shouldn't be thanking whoever, whatever brought me here. But I was just too happy, so happy to be able to hear that I couldn't bring myself to hate them. To hate it.

Stupid me.

I should've cursed it, dammed it to the end of the world and back. Prevented it from doing anything else, prevented it from shitting with me any further. Stupid, stupid me. I should've learned, should've realised that I was nothing but a toy to it. Because, not a second later, and I mean only a second later, the white space was disappearing. Slowly deconstructing into a black hole, the edges a blurred mash of pixelated shades. And I was being sucked in too.

And I just couldn't run away.