A/N: Okay so it's been forever since I've uploading anything. Lets just say I haven't been very happy with this fandom. That and I've been drowning in schoolwork. I finally passed my math class. Now the rest of the classes I need to take to get my BA are not going to be nearly as nerve wracking as math. I literally hate math; hence the writing. Like I was saying, I haven't been happy with the show, the fandom, any of it to be quite honest. I will never be okay with what they did to Nadia or why(it was for sweeps week, lets all be honest here.) I hate the fact that TV writers think they need to fuckin kill off characters for some kind of dramatic flare. All it does is simply pull the fandom apart and make less people watch their shows. I don't understand honestly. Anyways, I had someone request a prompt on tumblr(I'm not going to spoil you and tell you what it is, you'll just have to read). This is part one, part two is half way done. It should be up before the finale. Like I promise this time. I also will be putting up some CPD videos soon, at least one for sure, so make sure to check those out as well. And make sure to leave me prompts for one shots, bc I'm going to be having surgery in a bit here and I'm going to have a lot of sitting around time to do writing but not anything like multi chapter heavy stuff. Just send me prompty, fluffy stuff please :3 (other fandoms are okay too!) The song for this chapter is called Razors Edge by Digital Daggers, it's a great song and really embodies Erin's current state of mind so go listen to it. Alright, please follow, fave, and PLEASE review and let me know what you think is going to happen in part two?!
"I've gone off the razors edge, thought it would be different;
I was treading the water, til it took me under.'
As consciousness seeps into her head, the first thing Erin feels is pain. Not a dull pounding either. Its a loud, almost deafening, throbbing; which makes her think for a moment that maybe this is what death feels like, that maybe this pulsating agony was her arteries exploding in her brain. She feels a warm arm around her midsection, and for a second she relaxes, just wanting to drift back into sleep. But suddenly her eyes snap open, which she regrets instantly, as sunlight assaults all of her senses. So she squeezes them shut and drags a hand over her face, bracing herself before trying again, slower this time. Sitting up cautiously, Erin maneuvers herself from under this….complete stranger. Her mouth is sticky and she looks around for something, anything to drink. Instead she finds nothing, but she does take note of her wallpaper is peeling off of the hole riddled walls and there is a distinct scent, although she cannot seem to place what it is because of her throbbing head. She goes to plant her feet on the ground, and instead steps on trash.
'What did I do', Erin thinks to herself, squeezing her eyes shut, regret already bubbling in her chest. Kicking the garbage out of the way, her feet hit the cold wood and she scans the trash riddled floor for her missing clothes. Her head protests with every movement, so she moves cautiously; stumbling around pulling on each article of clothing as she comes across it. Once she has everything on but her shirt, Erin turns around, taking her first look at the man whose bed she woke up in. She doesn't recognize him, she doesn't even remember talking to him in the dingy bar she crawled into last night. He's cute but she can't help but feel a gnawing in the pit of her stomach. Jay was the last guy she had slept with, he was the only guy she wanted; so what the hell was she thinking?
Erin mentally chastised herself as she searched harder for her shirt, ignoring the thick fog of her hangover. She stops dead in her tracks as her eyes land slightly adjacent to her shirt. All of the sudden her past seems to crash into her and a wave of nausea and disbelief washes over her as she examines the table in front of her. Rubber tourniquets, needles, lighters, spoons; Erin knows exactly what happened last night and knowledge of it threatens to rip her in two. A sob catches in her throat and her hand flies to her mouth to prevent it from escaping. The last thing she needed was to have a confrontation this morning. She quickly pulls her shirt over her head, tugging it down over her midsection. Taking a deep breath she glances down at her arm, and her stomach drops when she sees fresh track marks. She looks to the ceiling hoping that the tears pooling in her eyes wouldn't fall.
"Oh god," Erin whispers to herself, "Oh god, oh god-" The last one comes out as a groan as her stomach heaves. She stumbles into the bathroom and empties the contents of her stomach into the grungy toilet.
After she's finished, Erin drags herself off of the floor. She turns on the taps of the sink rinsing her hands before bringing a handful of water to her mouth, swishing it around, and spitting it back into the sink. Slowly she raises her head to look in the mirror. Her skin is pale and tepid, she has deep dark circles under her eyes. She couldn't have gotten more than 5 hours of sleep since they had gotten back to Chicago last week. She looks at herself and shame grips her empty stomach. Erin promised herself she'd never have to see her reflection this way again and she had failed; just like she failed to protect her best friend. Shaking her head, trying to shake off the grief, she pushes away from the sink. She quickly finds her coat and makes sure her phone and keys were in her pockets, and slipped quietly out of the door.
A few weeks ago, Erin would be dreading this moment; the walk of shame. Because the moment she got through the door she would be assaulted with corny jokes and silly innuendos for the rest of the day; all at the hands of Nadia. As Erin slips her key into the lock, she thinks back on the moment that she realized that Nadia knew about her and Jay's secret relationship. A slight smile crosses her lips as the memory comes back to her;
Erin heard the apartment door close and kissed Jays chest before looking over at the flashing numbers of her alarm clock that read 5:43am. She smiled wickedly and threw the blanket off of herself. She padded over grabbing her robe and wrapped it around herself.
"Where are you goi-" Erin cut Jay off with her lips, giving him a brief kiss before shushing him. He knew better than to argue, so he propped himself on an elbow and watched her curiously.
Erin tiptoed over to her door, leaning against the frame, smiling when she saw Nadia slinking across the living room.
"Long night?" Erin asked, triumph lacing her voice.
Nadia jumped, nearly falling over. She whipped around, grabbing onto the back of the couch for balance. "Fuck Er," Nadia exclaimed, clutching her chest. "You scared the shit out of me."
"Well, I wasn't going to miss my chance to see you doing the walk of shame." Erin said, giving her friend a knowing look.
Nadia crossed her arms over her chest, "I am not doing the walk of shame," She said proudly, "I had...study group."
"Til 5 in the morning?" Erin quipped, raising an eyebrow.
"Okay, Fine. You caught me. But I've been busting my ass with school, i just needed to...blow off some steam." Nadia explained.
"Nadia, I understand completely, no need to explain anything." Erin said, giving her arm a squeeze and moving past her into the kitchen. "Want coffee?"
Nadia nodded, "Yeah, I do actually have study group, so I have to get ready and head right back out the door."
"Sounds good," Erin says, starting to pour her coffee. "Hey Nadia?"
"Yeah?" She asks curiously
"I'm really proud of you." She said, handing her the cup with a smile.
Nadia smiled widely, "Thanks Er." She said before heading down the hallway to her room.
Once Erin heard her door close, she grabbed two mugs and poured hers and Jay's cups and proceeded to make her way back to her room with a happy smile on her face. That is until she stepped three feet into her room and collided with her boyfriends strong chest, which was instantly scalded with hot coffee. He let out an involuntary yelp and
Erin quickly set the coffees on a nearby dresser before rushing back to Jay. She winced when she heard Nadia call out.
"Er, What was that? You okay?" Erin could hear her voice getting closer, and she pressed Jay against the wall, covering his mouth with her hand and giving him 'the' look.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Erin tried to sound reassuring, "I just uh...stubbed my toe."
"Okay, well I'm going to grab a shower before I have to go. Do you want some ice for your toe?" Nadia offered, her voice traveling from the living room.
"No, my toe will be just fine." Erin assures, which earns her a knit brow from Jay. She smirks and kisses his burn before dragging her lips up to his, allowing herself to get lost in the kiss.
She's startled a few minutes later when Nadia calls out. Erin pulled away from Jay and rushes back out of her bedroom door.
"Hey Erin," Nadia asked again, louder this time as she entered the living room donning a fresh outfit as she towel dried her wet hair with one hand.
"Yeah?" Erin asked nonchalantly, as nerves bubbled in her chest.
"Why is the toilet seat up?" She asked coyly, a sly grin spreading across her face. She walked over and dropped her towel in the laundry while she waited for Erin to think of a plausible excuse.
"Oh, I wasn't feeling good. Might have a touch of a stomach bug or something." Erin explained, trying to play it off.
"Right," Nadia said, heading into the kitchen. She grabbed her Police Academy travel mug and her hand froze as she reached for the coffee pot. She gave her a side glance with a raised eyebrow. "And what happened to all the coffee?"
"I drank it," Erin confirmed, "I was thirsty, you know, after not feeling good."
Nadia snorted, laughter escaping from her lips. "Sure," She said, not convinced, as she gathered up her school books and shoved them into her over capacitated backpack. "Maybe you should stick to Gatorade next time though?"
"Great idea, I will definitely do that." Erin said, giving her friend a smile. "Study hard."
"Oh I will." Nadia gave Erin a devilish smile which confused her for a moment until Nadia opened her mouth again, "Have a good day, Halstead." She said loudly, before throwing her head back and laughing. "You have a good day too, Er."
Erin scrunched her face at her, "Yeah, you too. Little miss detective."
Nadia gave her a wink as she slipped out the door; and just like that, she was gone.
The door banging against the wall brings her back to reality. She stands frozen for a moment before dragging her feet over the threshold and closing the door behind herself. She still wasn't used to it; the silence. Its eery, and it makes her uneasy. She idly fiddles with her keys for a moment before dropping them on the wooden table by the door. Her hand reaches inside her coat pocket for her phone; she thinks about calling Voight or Jay, someone who could fill the void inside her chest. Instead her fingers brush up against a baggy and her pulse quickens. Erin pulls it from her pocket and examines the small plastic bag in the palm of her hand. It's full of what look to be oxy, probably to help with the come down from the dope. She couldn't for the life of her remember where she got it, but regardless, she fists her hand around it. She contemplates what to do with the baggy in her hand. The rational side of her wants to flush it, but the broken, aching side of her wants to down it with a whiskey chaser.
Erin battles with herself for a moment before the gnawing pain in her heart wins the fight. She fingers a few pills out of the bag, grabs the bottle of whisky off the counter, and chases the pills with the amber liquid. She strips off her jacket and lets it fall to the floor; the rest of her clothes follow suit and soon she's nearly naked. As a buzz starts to seep into her bloodstream she finds herself standing in front of Nadia's room. It's still the same way she left it; everything sitting in the exact same place. She can hear her heart pounding in her ears as she stumbles forward into the room. Her eye catches the sweatshirt lying over the chair; Nadia's Academy sweatshirt. Erin runs her fingers over it gingerly before bringing it up to her nose inhaling the scent, tears pricking her eyes in surprise when it still smells like Nadia. Without thinking, Erin pulls it over her head and wraps it around herself. She staggers over to the bed and crawls onto it, curling up into a ball. Everything inside her wants to scream, all the tears inside her want to fall, but as the high pounds through her veins, all she can manage to do is feel numb. So she lays there like that, for hours, not feeling a thing.
I'm scared cause the past keep pulling me back,
distorting the future;
Dont forget to leave your thoughts on this chapter and theories for part two! :3