Author:  Cynthia Arrow

Disclaimer:  I'm not Aaron Sorkin.  I didn't invent this stuff.

Rating:  PG-13

A/N:  This is for all of us who have ever had a day like this, and for those of us who see the men of the West Wing this way.  Just a little girl talk.  Don't read this if silly, self-serving fanfic isn't your cup of tea.

Donna's Dilemma

Donna ran into CJ's office and slammed the door. 

"You have to help me, CJ."

"Jesus Christ, Donna.  What's wrong?"

"I can't take it anymore.  It's like they're doing it on purpose."

"They?  Doing what?"

"The guys.  They're driving me crazy."

"Just calm down.  Whatever it is, we can think of a suitable punishment."

"Punishment.  Oh, no.  They really haven't done anything.  Not that I haven't wanted them to."

"Donna, you're going to have to be a little clearer."

"I'm PMSing, and something is going on with my hormones.  Every guy in this building…well, I want to jump all of them."

"Donna, that's a little melodramatic."

"I know.  But it's true."

"Explain."

"You want me to explain these unexplainable urges to you?"

"I have to understand how serious this is.  Has Leo gotten to you yet?"

"No.  But I haven't seen him lately."

"Good.  That's good.  And Toby?"

"I have uncontrollable images of him sweeping everything off his desk…or at least clearing it neatly but quickly, and—"

"Whoa.  More than enough, Donna.  I didn't even know you were attracted to Toby."

"That's just it, CJ.  I'm not.  Honestly.  But something about him today.  He passed me in the bullpen and he smelled so good.  I swear I even looked at his ass."

"It's a nice ass, Donna.  It's okay."

"What's happening to me?  I'm not like this."

"That's why this is so funny.  What about Will?"

"It is a struggle not to sneak up behind him and suck on his neck."

"Will?  Will Bailey?"

"Yes.  He's wearing this green tie today, and it sets off his eyes.  And this suit he's wearing…I swear it must've been hand tailored, because it fits perfectly on his shoulders.  Have you ever noticed how wiry and strong that man is?  That tiny waist and…CJ, I almost pinched his ass."

"See, with the exception of the ass thing, I've never found Will horribly attractive, not without throwing his personality into the mix.  He's growing on me, though."

"But it has nothing to do with personality, CJ.  It's all physical and chemical.  He's male.  They all emit something that keeps me completely distracted.  I can't work for watching them come and go."

"The problem is Josh, isn't it?"

"Damn right.  Every time he bellows, it makes me even crazier.  He called me into his office a few minutes ago to bark orders at me, and I nearly straddled him in his desk chair."

"Holy crap, Donna.  This is serious.  Now I see why you ran screaming."

"He's like a force of nature today.  The meaner he gets, the sexier he is.  Not to mention when he gets egotistical and sarcastic.  Lord help me if he gets upset about anything today or tries to act serious.  The only thing sexier than Angry Josh or Obnoxious Josh is Serious Josh."

"Donna, it seems to me like you've spent a lot of time contemplating Josh's sexiness."

"No.  Okay, yes, but just today.  That's why you've got to hide me out in here.  Find me a pressing reason to hang out here with you and Carol for a couple of hours."

"What do you want me to tell him?"

"Anything but the truth."

"So telling him that you want him in the worst way isn't really feasible?"

"He makes me sigh.  God help me, but that beautiful body of his is making me stop and sigh."

"That's it.  I've got to have some drugs here that will help this.  Maybe in my desk.  No prescription painkillers or anything.  No antidepressants.  But I've got some Nyquil."

"You can't cure horniness with cold medicine."

"No, but I can knock your crazy ass unconscious until you stop using the words 'Josh' and 'beautiful body' in the same sentence.  This is much more serious than I thought."

"Finally, it's starting to soak in."

"We've got to keep you away from the other guys.  I'm guessing this won't be a problem with the president."

"He's definitely safe."

"Have you seen Charlie?"

"Such skin.  He glows, CJ.  And he's so strong."

"Damn.  Whatever we do, you cannot go near that new guy in the counsel's office."

"The male Ainsley Hayes?"

"That's the one.  If Toby makes you toes curl, I'm afraid of what effect this guy'd have on you."

"Just the mental images are enough."

"Stop that.  You're not helping here, Donna."

"Sorry."

"Maybe if you remember why you're not normally attracted to these guys it'll help."

"Okay."

"Toby."
"I don't like facial hair.  He's too blunt with people.  He always smells like cigars.  And he doesn't have much hair.  There's really nothing sexy about him."

"Normally, I'd disagree, but for the sake of argument, no.  Still want him to take you on his desk?"

"Not as much.  That's down to a manageable level, I think."

"Okay.  Now for what we don't like about Will.  He's short."

"So.  That's okay."

"Help me, Donna."

"Sorry.  Okay.  He's got beady little eyes.  I don't like his voice, either.  Too…I don't know, snobby?  He's really skinny.  And he's not Sam."

"My Lord, if Sam had been here."

"It would have gotten really ugly, CJ."

"You're picturing Sam now, aren't you?"

"No.  No big brown eyes.  No strong back.  Have you ever seen him in jeans and a t-shirt all sweaty playing basketball?"

"Donna!"

"I'm stopping.  Back to Will.  Maybe if I don't get close enough to smell him, and if I don't look at his ass, I'll be okay."

"Now, for the big problem.  What do you hate about Josh?"

"I don't know."

"I'll help.  He's got a receding hairline, his voice is whiny, his lips are thin, and his waist is…I don't know…too high or something.  Pants never hang right on his hips.  That bugs the hell out of me.  Your turn."

"It won't work with Josh, CJ."

"Why?"

"Because it's not physical."

"Oh.  I thought you said…"

"Okay, it is physical, today anyway.  But the source of it all is mental."

"Good Lord, Donna.  I think you're mental.  Josh Lyman is an egotistical, lazy, grumbling, criticizing, sadistic little man with a mutated Napoleon complex—which is odd in a man of his height—and a complete inability to see beyond his own pointy nose.  He badgers you, he yells at you, he gets you do to a lot of his job for you…and I'm making no headway here, am I?"

"Nope."

"Just fanning the flames."

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

"I don't know, but if I ever start acting like this, commit me.  Please.  Let the men in white coats take me away."

"So you've never had one of these days?"

"Once, during the first administration.  I doubt Josh would have noticed.  Toby did, but he wouldn't talk to anybody about it."

"And Sam?"

"He's observant.  And he and I were usually on the same page about things.  Let's just say there are many reasons why I miss Spanky."

"CJ!"

"No gossip.  I promised.  Now, you've got to go back.  He'll notice that you're gone, and then he'll yell a lot."

"Which will make matters worse."

"Just stay out of his office.  And remember, it's okay to be attracted to your boss.  It's normal.  He's in a position of power over you.  Power can be very attractive."    

"So you're saying my being attracted to Josh is about power?"

"If I were to guess—well, I'll keep my comments to myself."

"So, I'm basically nuts is what you're saying?"

"Pretty much."

"And you don't think he's sexy?"

"Only when I'm drunk, Donna."

"Why then?"

"Because I won't think he's an asshole.  He'll actually seem as funny as he thinks he is.  You are right about one thing, Donna.  With Josh, it's all about that damn personality of his.  Which is why I'm thinking that with you, despite your protestations, it's not a one-time problem, and, dear, it will never, ever go away."

Donna moaned and slinked out of CJ's office, but CJ was pretty sure she saw a slight smile.