"Are you open?"
"Yes."
"Are you open?"
"Yes…."
"Are you going to help me?"
"Sure, I'd be happy to help you up at the front, at the register that's open."
"What did you say?"
"I said, what can I do for you?"
"I want a pack of Camel Silvers."
"I'm sorry, we don't carry those. Would you like the Ment-?"
"Yeah, those ones! I want the ones with the seventy-five cents off."
"I'm already holding them. Would you like to get the two pack special?"
"What?"
"Would you like to buy two and save fifty cents?"
"Only fifty cents!?"
"Your total is five, eighty."
"Did you give me the seventy-five cents off?"
"The discount is included in the price.
"Would you like a bag?
"Thank you.
"Welcome to Parody Store. What can I do for you?"
"Huh."
"Is there anything I can get you?"
"That."
"You want tobacco? Which one would you like?"
"That."
"Copenhagen Long Cut?"
"No, that."
"Are you sure, laddie? Maybe you'd like the Fine Cut?"
"No! I want THAT!"
"I'm sorry, I don't speak American sign language. Maybe you could tell me in words."
"I want the Clear Eyes."
Clear Eyes is at least twenty degrees to the west of the direction this inebriated customer is pointing. But okay.
"And would you like a Rice Crispies Treat for a dollar with that?"
"I'm diabetic. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?"
Yes….
"I'm so sorry. We can't have that.
"Thank you.
"Welcome to Parody Store."
"Are you open?"
"Yes, I can get you up at the front."
"Are you open?"
"Yes."
"Are you open?"
"No, fuck you. What can I get for you?"
"Don't you want to help me?"
"What can I do for you?"
"You weren't facing the right way."
"I'm sorry that you weren't able to hear me. Is there something I can do for you?"
"I don't like your attitude."
"No really, can I do anything for you at all?"
"You're still giving me attitude. I think i'll just go over to that lady over there."
"I am sorry if my majesty is projecting over the counter."
"That's okay, I'll just call your manager later. What is your name?"
"My name is Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain."
"What's his name?"
Staffer: "His name is Thorin."
"Oh, okay, thanks. And your manager's name?"