***
It is early morning in New York City. The newsies, still trashed from the party at Medda's the night before, can't seem to drag themselves out of bed on their own. After a moment, they are forced to - courtesy of Kloppman's cane upside their drunk little heads. "Get up! Carry the banner!" Kloppman yells. "As if you fanfic authors can't come up with a different way to wake these bums up. I get 'em up in every story." He goes on muttering as he bashes one newsy after another.
The fanfic author nods and switches Kloppman out with Crutchy, who hops around the room energetically, laughing his evil goat laugh and bashing the other newsies upside the head with his crutch. "HEYA FELLAS! We got fresh sauerkraut for breakfast! Eh, eh?"
Crutchy must be successful in awakening the newsies, what with the curses that are hurled at him in the next few moments. The newsies awaken, have another drink (for in fanfic, they somehow come up with the money to become heavy drinkers), and begin singing their early-morning drinking song, "Carrying the Banner," complete with stumbles, dance moves, and shaving cream fights.
The newsies get their papers from the distribution stand, and Jack Kelly buys 1,000 - not because he can sell them all within a five-minute record, but because he's too drunk to tell 100 from 1,000. Not even sober Davey is nice enough to correct him - he's interested in seeing what Jack will do with all the extras once he comes to. Crutchy stands back and laughs his evil goat laugh. He and Davey are the only sober newsies, because: A) Crutchy is scary enough when he's NOT drunk, and B) none of the fellas will let Davey anywhere near the drink because of his knife obsession. (Did I mention that Davey sleeps with a knife under his pillow, and carved "My Precious" into the wood handle with one of his mother's butter knives?)
So, the newsies disperse to begin selling their papers. Racetrack, however, buys no papers and goes to the tracks instead. "Hey, how come I always have enough money to go to the tracks? I never sell my papers!" he exclaims. The fanfic author nods her head and takes all Race's money away (she's IS broke, after all). He pulls his pockets inside out, curses, and mutters as he walks back toward Jack's selling spot to help out with those 1,000 papers.
Mush, the ever-ignorant jokester, is standing on the corner. He is not selling his papers, but is staring down every girl that comes along (complete with buggy eyes and a waggly tongue). One girl promptly kicks him where the moon doesn't shine and tells him to go blind. He huffs and looks angrily to the fanfic author. "I'm sick of bein' girl crazy!" The author nods, and Mush promptly begins to follow a man in a business suit.
Kid Blink, the so-sweet, eyepatched-for-sympathy newsboy, is standing on the corner beside Mush. He finds it amusing that the fanfic author has granted Mush's wish to no longer be girl-crazy. As he sells his papers, he hears something in the alleyway. "NO! STOP! NOOOOOO! SAAAAVE MEEEE!" Alarmed, he rushes to the scene of the crime, to find both Delancey brothers beating up on a beautiful blonde, blue-eyed girl.
"Hey!"
They pay no attention. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the girl beats the ever-loving tapioca out of both Delanceys in the wink of an eye - with only one punch. Kid Blink is amazed, and he approaches the girl and gives her a deep, smoldering kiss. She proceeds to beat the heck out of him, too.
After she leaves the three guys in the alley, beaten to a pulp, she dresses up as a boy and enters the lodging house looking for a place to stay. Kloppman, with his failing eyesight and his love of crocheting, doesn't notice, what with her long, flowing locks and womanly figure, that she is a girl. He takes her payment for a bunk and goes on crocheting. The girl looks at the fanfic author and says, "Why's it gotta be so easy for a girl to get into the lodging house?" The author nods, and Kloppman yells, "GIRL IN THE LODGING HOUSE!" and proceeds to bash her upside the head with his cane and half-smother her with his crocheting.
Meanwhile, Skittery finds another astonishingly-beautiful girl curled up in an alleyway with no place to go. She is quick to inform him that she can sell more papers than Jack and fight better than Spot. Skittery asks her to prove this, but she can't, so he shrugs and takes her to the lodging house, where she is immediately accepted by the other newsies. The newsies are all engaged in a ferocious poker game, and Snitch suddenly looks up at the author. "Hey, how come there's a poker game in every fanfic?" Race holds up his hand and yelles, "I WIN AGAIN!" Snitch rolls his eyes and looks back at the fanfic author. "And how come, if Race is so bad at bettin' on the races, he always wins the poker games?" The author shrugs and tells Snitch that it's just the way things are. He looks puzzled for a moment, then sucks his thumb.
Spot Conlon enters the bunkroom at that exact moment. He immediately exchanges a knowing, secretive look with Jack as he sits down to join the game, no questions asked. Tension builds until finally, Jack screams, "Why does Spot always have to like ME?! Why do we always have to get all slashy, huh?!"
Davey stands up and raises a fist. "Yeah! I'm tired of Denton drooling all over me!"
Denton's head appears in the lodging house window. "Yeah, I'd rather drool over chicken legs!"
The newsies exchange glances. "Yeah, that was random," Race mutters.
The fanfic author looks down at the newsies. "Hey, don't accuse me! I don't make you guys slashy! You did that bit on your own."
Spot scuffs his shoe. "...Really? But I thought I was supposed to be the ladies' man of Brooklyn!"
Suddenly, Jack throws his hands up, exhasperated. "That's it. I quit." He gives the fanfic author a dirty look exits the room. After a moment, the newsies follow him, leaving Crutchy alone.
Crutchy shifts his eyes and laughs his evil goat-laugh. "So my plan worked. Eh, eh?"
The fanfic author rolls her eyes and deposits Crutchy on a desert island with a volleyball as his only companion.