Trembling, I fell back against the wall, unaware of the phone slipping from my numb fingers, oblivious to the cracking sound it emitted as it collided with the gravel. I was completely unaware of everything around me, for all my thoughts revolved around her.
I shook my head in attempt of somehow erasing her visage, but my halfhearted tries were in vain. It was impossible to forget her, and as her perfect face swam before me, immense grief came with it. It immersed me as I traced the contours of her gentle half smile, remembered just how smooth her milky skin appeared, and lost myself, just as I always did, in her wide, loving chocolate brown eyes. It was then, in the midst of this reminiscence, that the reality truly and totally incapacitated me. She was gone. I tried to take a breath out of habit, but it proved impossible. I leaned my head between my knees, but nothing could save me from the ocean I was drowning in. It was almost too much to bear, hell it was too much to bear.
There was no coming back from this, it was one thing, my living apart from her, my attempts of keeping her safe, but the thought of living without her, living in a world void of her, was incomprehensible. I couldn't exist without her. She was my life, is my life, if her life ceased to exist, then my life would be what it had become, an empty shell. A vast wasteland of misery and grief, a sentence much worse than death. Death, oh, the thought came so sweetly, nothing compared to the idea of a release from this hell. A release from this torturous pain, this horrendous grief and guilt that came with losing the center of my existence. I couldn't live without her. I wouldn't live without her.
I sat up against the wall, and opened my eyes. The decision was made. It had been made for years now really. It was set determination that hoisted me off of the ground and carried me to the end of the alleyway. It was my last attempt at proving my love to her, to somehow reverse this terrible wrong, to set things straight. It was my love for Bella that sent the cell phone into the trash can and myself into the arms of the Volturi, hoping for them to release me from this hell.