Title: "Fix Me Now"
Author: Lila
Rating: R
'Ship: Veronica/Weevil
'Spoiler: anything through "M.A.D." but this really goes AU
Length: one-shot
Summary: It's about Lilly, like everything else in her life.
Author's Note: While I tend to 'ship Logan/Veronica on the show, they're not working for me in the ficworld. I've been working on a L/V fic for weeks and just can't get it to gel, so I decided to do what speaks to me, whether it's in canon or not. I don't really know what this is. It just popped into my head at work today and I couldn't quite shake it. I'm not sure I like it, I'm not sure it makes much sense, and I'm not sure it's in character, but it was one of those things I had to do and I'm curious what everyone else thinks. First VM fic so go gentle, and as always, I hope everyone enjoys!
"Bury me above the clouds
All the way from here
Take away the things I need
Take away my fear
Hide me in a hollow sound
Happy evermore
Everything I had to give
Gave out long before"
"Fix Me Now," Garbage
His hands are bigger then Logan's, stronger too, and they scrape against her bare thighs as he links his fingers through the belt loops of her jeans and tugs. Calluses and scratches, scars running jaggedly across the flesh of his palm slide over her skin. He can grip her entire thigh in one hand, long fingers wrapping around hermuscles hard enough to bruise. To mark her. Leave a reminder for herself and anyone else who might be looking, Logan especially. He'll be furious – but she doesn't care. Because this isn't about Logan, and it's not even about her. It's about Lilly, like everything else in her life. What made Lilly laugh and what made Lilly cry and what made her tick. The parts of Lilly that she had no idea existed, and would take much more then a secret spy pen to find out.
She gasps as he slides inside and the water laps at her ankles, cold and rough and prickly against her skin, unsettling and familiar at the same time, like Weevil's tongue inside her mouth and memories of Lilly on her mind. Lilly liked it this way, hard and rough and mean. She knows because it's what she wanted, to be like Lilly. To see inside Lilly. To really understand Lilly. And she wonders, as she wraps her legs around Weevil's broad back and his hands grip her hips roughly, that if she tries hard enough, if she can really be Lilly – because that's what she always wanted. Because even now, all these years later, she still isn't sure who she is without Lilly, if she even exists without Lilly. And despite everything, she isn't brave enough to find out.
The whole thing was her idea. She had him meet her on the beach on a night when the moon was full and sand deserted and the stars were so bright he didn't need his headlights to guide the way. He'd looked down at her, that sheepish grin on his face, mumbling something about how late it was and how they were even after this one.
Instead, she'd tugged on his work shirt, angling so close she could smell the gasoline on his skin. "I want to see your tattoo," she'd whispered.
He'd looked at her strangely and crossed thick arms over an equally thick chest and stared down at her. "You okay, V?" he'd asked.
"The Lilly tattoo," she'd said. "I want to see the Lilly tattoo."
His face had stilled, his eyes narrowing into slits. "What are you talking about, V?"
"The tattoo," she'd repeated, pulling at the buttons of his shirt. It slid down his arms easily. "I know it's there." She saw seen the edge of the heart peeking under the edge of his tank top, and reached out to trace it with one finger. He'd flinched at the contact, muscles rolling at her touch. "You okay, Weevil?" she'd parroted his question, teasing lacing her tone.
"Fine," he'd said shortly, grabbing her wrist in one big hand and dragging her fingers away. "What are you up to, Veronica? What game are you playing?
She'd sighed and half turned away, her nerves shot. "I need you to tell me about Lilly," she'd whispered, her voice barely audible over the crashing waves.
"What can I tell you that you don't already know? You knew her better then anyone, V.
"Apparently not well enough. She never mentioned you to me. Not once. I want to know her the way you knew her. I want to know everything about her."
"I don't want to talk about Lilly," he'd said, his own voice dropping to a whisper.
"Weevil, please," she'd begged. "I got you out of jail and now I need you do to this for me."
"Why? It's been over a year, Veronica. She's dead, gone. She ain't coming back. Why now?"
"Lilly told me everything. Everything. She was my best friend, and now I find out there's this whole part of her I never knew about. This huge secret she kept from me and never breathed a word. She might have loved you, Weevil, and I never knew."
He'd laughed harshly. "Lilly? Love me? You drinking the kool-aid again, V?"
"She lied to us both. She hurt us both. I just – I just miss her. I miss everything about her. I can't make her tell me about you. I – I want to feel close to her again. Please, Weevil? Just this time and I won't ask for anything again."
He'd contemplated for a minute, eyes locked with hers. 'You really want to feel closer?"
"Yes."
"Like you could climb inside her, see her for who she really is?"
"Now you're reading my mind."
He'd taken a step closer, filling her space with oil and salt and Lilly. "I can't tell you…but I can show you."
She'd taken a deep breath and let everything go. "I'm all yours."
And she'd ended up with his mouth crashing into hers and those big arms wrapping around her tight and solid and unyielding. She'd fallen into the sand, his jacket cushioning the fall, his fingers slipping under the loose hem of her t-shirt. He called her querida and kissed her neck that special way Logan always had for Lilly. He wasn't particularly gentle and she wanted to say something, about Shelly Pomeroy's party and only getting to second base with Duncan, but this wasn't the time, because she wasn't Veronica tonight. She was Lilly Kane and when he dug into her hips so hard it hurt she didn't wince – she smiled instead, the way Lilly would have.
He wrapped his arms around her so tight she could barely breathe, and kept whispering in Spanish against her neck, his fingers tangling in her hair and his mouth pressed against hers so hard her lips stung and her teeth banged painfully against his. It hurt to be with him – not just the thrusting of his hips – but the pounding of his heart and Lilly's name on his lips and her taste on his tongue. She wrapped hers around his, breathing in and tasting and feeling Lilly, seeing her through Weevil's eyes and all the reasons she risked everything with Logan to be with him. Because he worshipped her. He'd do anything for her. And he loved her. She could feel it in the desperation in his touch and the tears on his cheeks. She bit down and wrapped herself around him even tighter, feeling Lilly flow through her, tasting their tears on her cheeks as he seized up inside her and Lilly laughed in the distance, taking back what was hers first.
Afterwards he turns while they dress, and she gets a full view of the tattoo in the moonlight, the letters declaring "Lilly" bold and bright against the darkness of his skin, and unlike the bruises on her thighs, those letters would be there forever. A constant reminder, of the girl he loved and lost – the girl they all loved and lost – but unlike him she didn't need an arrow and a needle to keep Lilly in her heart. She'd always be there, even if it weren't inked for all the world to see.
He turns to face her, face shadowed in the fading dark, but she can still see the grim expression marring his features. "Need a lift? I'm sure he's waiting."
"Who?" she says, struggling into her jacket.
"Echolls," he says and slips his keys out of his jeans pocket. "That's where you're going, right?"
"How? What"…I thought we did a really good job of hiding it."
Weevil laughs, and it's the first time he's sounded happy all night. "I ain't brilliant, V, but I ain't stupid either. Besides, you're Lilly, right? Where else would you go?"
"I – I'm not Lilly," she says softly. "I'm not her."
"Now you're really confusing me. Just a minute ago – "
"A minute ago I wanted to understand. Lilly kept this huge thing from me – from everyone – and I felt…I felt I couldn't make peace with her until I understood. And now I get it. Why did she keep you a secret, Weevil?
He kicks at the sand, studies his feet. "I don't know. Maybe she loved me a little? Wanted to keep me special, away from all the other shit in her life?"
She reaches up and runs her knuckles down his cheek. "You are special. For this, for everything. I know this was hard. Weird to say the least, but now –"
"Now you feel whole? I know that feeling."
"Yeah, whole is a good word." She perches on her tiptoes, presses a kiss to his rough cheek. "Thank you," she whispers. "For everything. For not thinking I'm crazy, for doing this, for helping me heal, for being my friend, for letting me be Lilly, even just for a little while." She steps back, palms her keys. "I'll be seeing you, okay?
"Later, V," he said, and disappears into the early morning light.
Later, she curls up beside Logan, his boxers hiding the telltale marks on her thighs, and snuggles into the arc of his arms. He kisses the back of her neck and tugs her closer, mumbling something about gasoline and car trouble, as he slips the boxers down her hips. He's good – not great – but good, and as his mouth trails down her stomach and his fingers grip her hips, she feels like Lilly all over again, holding this big secret inside, safe and protected from everyone, even those who love her most. She feels a little bit battered, a little bit fragile – and most importantly, as Logan's mouth hits the bull's eye – completely whole.
So yeah, what do you think?