Her even paced breathing is constant and peaceful, like a soft rain that's even rhythm can just barely be heard from the dauntless underground. I look at her face that seems to have softened just as soon as her head hit the pillow. Funny how when she sleeps she loses her whole stiff demeanor and can just let herself relax. That is one thing I miss, being able to feel completely at ease. Even if this ordeal, this war, ends, I don't know if I will ever be able to feel that way again. Things change when you are forced to kill people, even if they would have killed you first. Things change when the people you love are taken away from you and there is nothing in the world you can do to get them back.
The corners of my lips go up involuntarily because it is all I can do to hold in the pain. I glance at her serene face and feel myself calm at the sight. I can't even imagine the weight that Tris has had to carry ever since her parents were killed in front of her, and the burden she will always have of having her friend's blood on her hands. When Zeke acted like he was part of the other camp, when he acted like a traitor, I could barely even go on. It felt like I had lost not only my brother, but a mentor, a friend, a part of me. I now know why he did it, and I'm glad to have him back, but the hole his act left in is still tender, and if he had not come back alive…
I shake my head. Through it all she and others had my back, giving me much needed support. She has been strong for so long, through so much, enough to have gone to hell and back. The bravery, the selflessness, the intelligence she processes all make her a wonder. Before herself she cares for the innocent, her family's memory, her friends. I'm glad she took this opportunity to do something finally to help support herself.
Although we may be the same age, I admire her more than any other leader I have ever known. She doesn't see it in herself, but she has the ability to draw people to her and the willpower to set an example for the rest of us to follow. She has even managed to overcome the mark of divergence to become accepted by the community as a whole and helped pave the way for others to find acceptance, myself included. The façade she once held of being entirely dauntless has fallen away to reveal a young woman with flaws and faults. That has done nothing except to make her more admirable in my mind. Her flaws prove she is still human. If anyone has earned the right to live in a better world when this is over, it's her and her ability to do good.
I lean on the couch behind me, careful not disturb her slumber. Right now she is something I can count on. Often without even knowing it, she has given me strength to hold on to. Because of that, I will always return the favor when she needs me to.
Four walks into the room and I smile at him. He looks first at her and then back at me. For the first time in a long time I see his brow and muscles start to loosen. He approaches her then hesitates, looking at her face and then down at the ground.
"You've done a great job protecting her, you know," I whisper quietly as to not wake her, looking up at his eyes. "She loves you more than either of you realizes". He looks back at her face and smiles. He turns back to me and reaches down and shakes my hand.
"I know I'm leaving her in good hands".
Walking back the way he came, he leaves the room glancing back at her one more time. When he's gone I close my eyes and inhale lightly, capturing this moment in my mind like a picture frame. Slowly a feeling of tranquility runs through me. It will never erase my memories but it does give me back a small sensation of ease, more than I could have hoped for before this next battle. I silently thank Tris and Four and Zeke and all the people I am thankful for one by one, then clear my mind as I wait patiently with a restored sense of purpose for Tris to awaken.