Title: It was about time
Pairing: D/Jo (who else)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's supposed to happen right after Eddie and Joey broke up, back
on the 6.12 episode "All the right moves".
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but Rachel Portman. But sometimes
I wish they were. ;) Feedback and reviews are always welcome. This fanfic
is kinda old, actually. But still I'd love to receive more feedback about
it.
Rachel Portman wasn't having the best of days. She had failed two subjects and was thinking and daydreaming about what her summer would be like when she ran into someone. "Ouch! Sorry. .Joey?" "Hi Rachel". Joey didn't sound too happy that morning. Eddie was afraid of her, he was afraid he could fall in love with her and not be loved back; he thought he didn't deserve her. And what about her, did she deserve him? She knew she didn't, because nothing between them was real. It was all a masquerade. She was thinking about all of this when one of her classmates, Rachel, ran into her. It was as though Joey hadn't even realized she was now sitting on the floor. "Joey, are you ok?" Rachel was beginning to get worried. She couldn't say she was friends with Joey Potter, but even not knowing her that well, she knew that Joey didn't normally look that miserable. "Listen, I'm sorry I ran into you. I'm late for my next period." "Sure, don't worry" That was all Joey could say. She didn't have strength for more. "Joey, I know we barely know each other but, do you want to talk about anything?" Rachel said while she was helping Joey to stand up. "I think you could use a shoulder to cry on right now." "Rachel, I know you're just trying to help, thank you. But, really, I don't need any help." Joey was devastated inside, but she was still stubborn. "Well, what about a coffee, then?" "Rachel, really, I'm fine." "No, you're not. If you were fine you would have beaten up my ass only for running into you, and you didn't say a word. You look miserable; you have shadows under your eyes. Come on, Joey. What do you have to lose? I'm sure you could use a friend."
Joey couldn't help but smile at her. She was right. She needed someone to cry to. Jen was busy with that counselor thing and Jack was working on his relationship with David, Pacey. well, Pacey was in his own world; so Harley was the only one near her. Thinking about it, Rachel didn't seem like a bad option. "OK, I give up, you're right. I'm not at my best right now. How about that coffee?"
They went to a Coffee Shop near the campus. It was the first time Joey was there. It looked nice, soft light, low music. The perfect place to talk about private things.
"Well, here we are. Shoot!" Rachel was trying to enlighten the mood, but it wasn't easy to make Joey smile.
"I don't know where to begin, Rachel" Joey said. "How about at the beginning? It's usually the easier way" "The beginning was a long time ago. Do you remember that e-mail Heston read to the whole class?" "The one you wrote to that guy, Dobson?" "Dawson. Yeah, that one. Well I've barely talked to him since then. And he used to be my best friend, so, even though he hurt me so much, it's been hard to be apart from him. Because we've been together, you know, as friends, most of our lives." Rachel was listening. 'This could be interesting' she thought. 'Now, I'll see what Joey Potter is made of'.
"Well, I said that was the beginning, but that's not true. It all began around 4 years ago, when my best friend and the boy I was in love with kissed me. That night I thought I had died and gone to heaven." Joey was smiling at the memories. The way she felt when Dawson's lips touched hers for the first time. All the fireworks she saw, despite the fact she had her eyes closed. "After that night, we started to date. And we were a couple for around two months, but then I realized he was my whole life; that there wasn't anything or anyone in the world, not even my sister nor my baby nephew, who mattered to me, no one but Dawson Leery. And I was scared, terrified. I was madly, deeply, hopelessly and totally in love with a guy and I was only fifteen. So I broke up with him, but, before that, we told each other I love you for the first time. You can't imagine how I felt. I was happy, ecstatic but devastated at the same time. But that's the way our history happens." Rachel looked at Joey, she was crying, silently crying. "After I broke up with Dawson," Joey continued. "I began dating another friend of mine, Jack. He was everything Dawson wasn't. He was unknown to me. I could exist without him, but I wasn't sure I could without Dawson. Things didn't worked out between us because he turned out to be gay. Short time after Jack's announcement, Dawson and I got back together. And this time was even better than the first one, because we both knew what it was like to be without each other. And I knew that I needed Dawson in my life. But it all ended when Dawson found out that my father was dealing drugs again. " "Dealing drugs?" Rachel was a little surprised. She didn't know Joey's life was that turbulent. "Oh, yeah, I forgot you didn't know anything about my life before Worthington. My dad's now is in prison for dealing drugs. And that's the second time he has been arrested because of that. He got parole a short time before Dawson and I got back together, and, well, old habits die hard. Well, the point is that Dawson found out before any of us and in some way he forced me to help the police to send him to prison. I know now that it wasn't Dawson's fault. It was my father's. But you can imagine it, it was heartbreaking for me. But I did it because even then I knew it was the right thing to do, and I knew it was dangerous for my sister and me to live with him. But as hurt and angry as I was with my father I put all the blame on Dawson, and I broke up with him again." Joey was now looking out the window, with her eyes lost and sad.
Rachel was now thinking about all the times Joey had overreacted in Heston's class when they talked about people with that kind of problems; broken families, criminal relatives, .It should be really hard for her to grow up in a small town like Capeside and having that kind of family. Suddenly she realized Joey was talking again. "It was the beginning of the summer and Dawson left on holiday. By the time the new school year began and he came back, I had already realized how wrong I had been. So I wanted to win him back, but it was late. That year had been very hard for him. Earlier that year he had found out about his mother having an affair, he also had an odd relationship with a girl; and later on, his parents decided to get a divorce. Between all that nightmare he was living in was our relationship and my behavior, my doubts and fears hadn't helped him a bit." Joey sighed, how could she be so stupid then. "After Dawson rejected me I was depressed, devastated and I found a shoulder to cry on in the last person I expected, Pacey. He was my friend too, but we were always arguing. Then I began to fall out of love with Dawson and fall for Pacey. Or so I thought. After a year full of pain and doubts, I went off sailing that summer with Pacey. When we came back, Dawson was still mad at both of us because he felt betrayed. And it was true in some way." "Anyway, we manage to mend our friendship, Dawson and I. Then he began dating Pacey's older sister, Gretchen. When I saw them kissing for the first time and the way he looked at her. I realized that I wasn't over Dawson, but now he was with another person and I was with Pacey. I loved Pacey, don't get me wrong, but not the same way I loved Dawson." Rachel was now thinking about her complicated new friend. She always had thought Joey was a little uptight but now she could see she only wanted to protect herself, and sometimes she hurt people in the process. "Pacey and I were going out for about a year. He broke up with me at our Senior Prom Party, and Gretchen left Dawson soon after. We spent time together the last few weeks before summer and it felt like the good old times. By then I knew for sure I was still in love with him. My failed relationship with Pacey still hurt but what hurt the most were the things he had said to me when we were arguing that night." Pacey was now one of her best friends again, but when she remembered the things he said.could he be right? Did she destroy his self-esteem? "The last night Dawson spent in Capeside I went to his bedroom, and I asked him to stay. It's not that I expected him to do it just because I asked him, and he didn't.... but I told him anyway. That night we kissed and it felt as if nothing in the last two years had happened. After the summer, we met again, here in Boston, but it was strange. We weren't together, too much had happened to forget it right away but we both knew there was something going on despite everything. He came to Boston only for the weekend and when we were at the airport waiting for his plane, we made a deal, well sort of. We didn't want to not know each other, and him being in LA and me in Boston, that was exactly what was going to happen. So he dropped USC, not only for me, but partially. Soon after that, his father died in a car accident. He was devastated, miserable. You may think I would be the one to comfort him, but he didn't let me. He said I reminded him of his father." Now Joey was crying again, but this time it wasn't because of Dawson. She still missed him. Mitch was like a father to her. He had been by her side when her own father couldn't, and when he died, she also felt like a part of her had died with him, just like Dawson. "You don't know anything about my life in Capeside, Rachel. My mother died of cancer when I was thirteen, and that happened just before my father was sent to prison for the first time, so you can say I was alone. Of course I had my older sister, Bessie, but she was grieving too and I couldn't ask her to comfort me. So Dawson was the one to do so, and he was caring, loving. He didn't need to say anything; he comforted me just by being by my side, holding me. He was the best of friends then; I can never thank him enough for those times. And his parents were great too, they let me spend as much time as I wanted at their house. They became my surrogate family. Gail was the mother I had just lost and Mitch was the father I hadn't had. Now, I think you can understand why I felt like I did when Mitch died and Dawson didn't let me help him with his grieving as I once let him help me." Rachel was astonished now. She didn't know if she could handle all the bad things that had happened to Joey. She felt her eyes watering but she wiped the tears away before they fell because she knew this wasn't the moment for that.
"Dawson wasn't ok, at all. He had panic attacks and he began to go to a therapist; and she helped him, a lot. But meanwhile he was getting better; we were growing apart from each other. Then he began dating Jen, one of our friends. That broke my heart, but I knew it wasn't our time. They didn't last long, anyway. When they broke up things between us were like always, more or less. Though I still wanted more. But being us, things got a little complicated, and it wasn't until the summer when he found the courage to tell me he still loved me. And again, I got scared, because of everything that had happened. But the next day, when he was leaving for L.A. again, I ran to the airport and I told him I loved him too. We kissed, and everything seemed wonderful." "The summer began and I was working at the Yacht Club in Capeside, I went out a few times with a guy, but I was thinking of Dawson all the time, so, when things got a little further I ran away. Then I came back to Boston. Do you remember the first day with Heston? When my cell phone rang during class?" Rachel nodded. "Well, that day I had a meeting with Dawson, but he didn't make it. It was because of that I was late. We met again that night. We were dancing and talking about the summer. Then we went to my room, and he gave me a present for my birthday, a snowglobe, a Hollywood snowglobe. Then we kissed." Now Joey was daydreaming. Her voice, her face, everything showed the feelings inside her. The love, the magic she always felt with Dawson. And Rachel could feel for a moment the same way. And she envied Joey. "I don't know if I can even explain to you how I felt when he kissed me that night." Joey began. Rachel was listening to her astonished; never in a million years could she ever imagine Joey Potter had all these feelings bottled up inside of her. Joey was crying. Teardrops were falling silently down her cheeks. She cleaned them away and kept on talking. "I think I had been waiting for that night since I can remember. Being in Dawson's arms, holding him tight. Everything seemed perfect that day. Not only the sex, but everything between us was perfect. But when I found out about that girlfriend of his in L.A. I freaked out. I was jealous, insanely jealous. The thought of any other girl kissing him, touching him but me was driving me crazy. There was this feeling of betrayal, too. I had told him I loved him before he left for L.A., how did he dare to date another girl while I was waiting for him! But that wasn't really important. After we had that big fight I realized that if I wanted to have any chance of being his friend in the future we couldn't be a couple, at least not now. But that wasn't what came out of my mouth. I didn't even remember what was said that day. But I can remember the feeling of emptiness when he walked out my door. My heart was screaming, telling me to follow him and tell him I loved him and that I was wrong, but my head shut my heart up, and I stayed in my room, in my bed, crying like I've never cried." "Joey" Rachel interrupted her. "Do you love Dawson?" Joey looked at her, her eyes filled with surprise. "What do you mean? Of course I love him!" "OK, now tell me. If you loved Dawson that much, why did you date that guy at the Yacht Club?" "I don't know, he was nice. And I already told you I was thinking of Dawson all the time I was with him" Joey wasn't someone easy to argue with. "And when you slept with Dawson, did you love him?" "Are you kidding? Of course I loved him!" Joey was now getting impatient "What's your point, Rachel?" "But, if you loved him that much, why did you begin dating Eddie soon after he went back to LA?" Rachel interrupted her. "I don't know, Rachel. I was angry with him. And Eddie was there. Maybe it wasn't my best decision but I did it." Joey was getting frustrated with that conversation. "Did you sleep with Eddie?" "That's it. You've gone too far, Rachel. Thank you for trying to help me but, really, if we have to discuss my sexual life here I think we're not going anywhere!" Joey began to leave. "Joey, wait" Rachel stopped her. "I promise you I don't have any interest in you sexual life. I'm just trying to help you. Trust in me, please. And tell me, did you?" Joey looked at her, then closed her eyes and sighed. "Yes, I did" She whispered looking down. "And even though you slept with Eddie, you still loved Dawson." Joey nodded. "Joey, was Dawson your first?" "No, he wasn't. Pacey was my first, in high school." "And it was before or after Dawson began dating Pacey's sister?" "After. But Rachel, I'm getting tired of this game!" Joey warned. "Don't you see what I'm trying to say?" Joey shook her head no, a little exasperated. "No, Rachel, what do you mean?" "I mean that maybe, like you dated a guy and it didn't mean anything, he could date that girl and it didn't mean a thing either." "But he slept with her! I didn't sleep with that guy in Capeside" Joey protested. "But you did sleep with Eddie!" Rachel was trying to keep calm but it was hard to do it, Joey being as stubborn as she was. "Damn it! Joey. Don't you get it?! You slept with Eddie and you didn't love him. You have just told me you lost your virginity with Pacey after you had realized you were still in love with Dawson. Don't you understand that he could sleep with that girl and still be in love with you?" Joey seemed shocked. She didn't know what to say or what to do. So, Rachel, seeing that Joey wasn't going to say anything, continued. "From where I'm standing it seems like you're feeling of betrayal wasn't worth it. I mean, if you could date someone, why couldn't he? I think you overreacted, Joey. I can't talk about your jealousy, maybe you were right breaking up with him if you felt that wasn't the right time for you to be together, but I can tell about the betrayal, Joey. Think about it, if you think he betrayed you, you betrayed him too."
Joey seemed in her own world as Rachel finished her speech. She was thinking about what Rachel had just said. Rachel thought she overreacted, maybe she was right. Maybe, she screwed things up with Dawson.
"I don't know Rachel. I don't know. I only know that right then what I did seemed the best I could do. But now. Now I'm not that sure." She began to leave again, but this time she left because she had something to do. "Thank you Rachel." She said quietly. "You can't imagine how much you've helped me. Thanks a lot. I have to go now. I have a lot of explaining to do." After saying that Joey ran out of the Coffee shop.
As she arrived to her dorm, she picked up the phone and dialed Grams number.
"Jen?.Yeah, it's me, Joey. Do you know where I can find Dawson?.Today.Yes .Thanks a lot Jen, I'll explain it all when I come back from L.A.. Bye."
Joey packed a few things and called for a cab. Thirty minutes later she was arriving at the airport.
"Hi, do you have any vacancies on the first plane to L.A.?" "Yes, miss, but they are only in first class. It leaves in fifteen minutes." "Ok."
She knew she had just left a minimal amount of cash in her account after buying that ticket plane, but Dawson, their friendship, and all that could be repaired between them was worth it.
When she arrived in L.A. she phoned to the studios where she had been told Dawson was working. They told her he had left ten minutes ago, and refused to give more information to a stranger. Joey was about to hang up the phone when she remembered. "Can I talk to Todd, then?" "Wait a minute".
She talked to Todd, it took her around five minutes to make Todd remember her. But when he knew who she was he told her everything about Dawson's life in L.A. Where he lived, his number.
She was nervous when she arrived at Dawson's building. She was facing his door, trying to decide if she was going to knock or not when she heard a voice behind her. "If you don't ring the bell, it will be hard for me to know you're at my door." "Dawson! Hi" She said as she turned to face him. He was smiling, with that million dollars smile he had. As he opened the door motioning her to come on in, a million thoughts passed through his mind.
"What are you doing here, Jo?" "I came to pay you a visit." She was trying to act cool, but all inside of her was shaking. "Why?" "Because I think I owe you an explanation." "About what? I think after our talk at Christmas everything was clear. We're friends but we have to rebuild our friendship." Dawson was confused but excited at the same time. What did she want to explain? What did she want from him? Why the hell did she look so gorgeous even when she looked tired?
"I want to explain to you why I did what I did that day in Boston. It's only been twelve hours since I realized how stupid, stubborn and childish I was. But these have been the worst twelve hours I've had in my whole life." "Shoot."
Both were shaking, both were expecting what would come from that conversation. The ramifications of what had to be told were a mystery for both of them. And they both were anxious and afraid at the same time.
"That afternoon, when I found out about Natasha, I freaked out. I was insanely jealous, like you can't imagine. The thought of you with another woman when we should be together was just .unbearable." "Joey, I told you I broke up with her that morning, I." Interrupted Dawson. but Joey cut him off. "No, Dawson. I'm here to explain to you my actions, not because I want any explanation from you. You did more than you had to three months ago. Now it's my turn." He nodded, waiting for her to continue. "I was saying that I was jealous, but it wasn't just that. There was more, I felt as if you had betrayed me by going out with her. I felt used." Dawson opened his mouth to interrupt her again, but she shut it with her finger. Her touch was tender, loving, kind. "I know now that you didn't use me, Dawson, that you didn't betray me, that you loved me, just as much as I loved you. But I was blind. And I know I said some things that hurt you, but I didn't mean any of them. After you left my dorm room I cried for hours. My heart was broken in a million pieces, but it wasn't you who broke it, it was me. I broke my own heart by not listening to it and by breaking your heart, as I've done too many times." She stopped talking. The last part was said between sobs. She was crying again. She had been doing a lot of crying lately. Too much for a girl that was always trying to keep strong.
Dawson was staring at her in disbelief. That couldn't be true. The girl in front of him couldn't be Joey Potter, the girl who had been his best friend for most of his life, the girl he had been dreaming of for the last 4 years, the girl he once thought was his soulmate. That girl was sitting on his couch, crying. And he did the only thing he could, the only thing he knew, hold her. He held her tight. He held her until she seemed calm.
"Joey." The look in Dawson's eyes was full of love, full of tenderness. "Wait, Dawson." She looked into his eyes, those eyes she used to know so well, where she could read, where she could get lost. Those eyes, where she was getting lost right then. "I know that everything that has happened between us in these last few months can't be resolved with just a few words. I know that I've hurt you so much in the past. But you have to know that I hurt too. I don't expect you to tell me it's all forgiven, I'm not worth it. I only wanted you to know what I felt that day. I wanted you to know why I did the things I did, and why I said the things I said. I also wanted you to know that I didn't mean any of them. I want you to know that that night, and that day meant the world to me. You mean the world to me, Dawson. Even now, you're my world. Although I've tried to forget you, to forget what we meant to each other, what we've shared together. You've always been that one I cared the most about."
Dawson didn't know what to say. The words Joey was telling him were sinking in slowly, but deeply.
"I'm going to go back to Boston now, Dawson. Please give me a call when you think you're ready to forgive me. I'll be waiting for you. And believe me; I can wait for a long time." With that, she got up, kissed him softly but fully on the lips, took her coat and went to the door. When she was opening it, Dawson spoke. "What about Eddie, Joey? I thought you were together." "We were. But, when I came back from Capeside, he was nowhere to be found. He was hiding from me. I talked to him and we broke up. That was when I realized I hadn't cared about him the way I thought." She was going to go out his door, but before closing it she spoke for the last time. "You know? It's funny, Dawson. I've thought I've been in love with three guys. But as time passed by I've realized that I've only been in love with one of them. The other two were just two people that I've cared a lot about, but I didn't really love them. Not the way they deserved to be loved. At least Pacey deserved more than I could give him; I'm not that sure about Eddie, though. It's always been you, Dawson." As she finished she turned to face him, she smiled, but her smile was sad. "Bye."
With that she left, leaving behind her a very confused Dawson.
What was happening in Dawson's head was a mystery, even for him. He didn't know what to think of the things Joey had just said. He was confused. He was sure he loved Joey, but she was right. She had hurt him so much, so many times. He didn't know if he was ready for another break up with her. He knew her, at least he liked to think so, and he knew sooner or later she was going to get scared of what they would have or something like that. At the same time he was willing to give their relationship another try. He wanted too much to be with Joey again. But he was afraid, he was scared to death. He knew if they broke up one more time.it would be the last. Their friendship couldn't survive another break up.
Joey was at the airport; she was waiting for her plane to leave. This time she had to phone Bessie to ask her for money. But she didn't regret coming to L.A. She had cleared things up with Dawson. For the first time in her life she had had the courage to talk to him, to say to him how she felt, what she thought.
Dawson arrived breathless to the airport. "Excuse me, what's the flight number to Boston?" He said, breathing hard. "Flight 245, Gate 6, sir." "Thanks".
As he came nearer to her gate, he became more and more nervous. Then he saw her. She was sitting on a plastic chair, with her head in her hands and her hair falling down to the ground.
"Joey?" She didn't believe her ears. She looked up and there he was. Staring at her with his tender blue eyes. "Hey" "Hey" He smiled.
"What time do you leave?" "21:45" "Good, I think it's time enough. Come with me." He said while he made her stand up by pulling her by her wrist. "Dawson, what do you think you're doing?" "I'm taking you to the Company Desk, I want you to return your ticket." "Dawson, the plane leaves in twenty minutes, they won't refund the money. I've asked Bessie for the money, Dawson. I couldn't afford it. I can't lose it either." "Well, then we'll ask for a delay. You did all the talking before, Joey, and I think there's a lot more we need to talk about."
She looked at him not understanding his point completely. But she thought it could only be good, he wouldn't run all the way to the airport just to tell her there's no way back to each other.
They were at his apartment again. He was in the kitchen, making coffee. This was going to be a long night. Joey had phoned Boston to tell Rachel she was not going to make it to class the next day and asked her to take notes for her.
"I think now is your turn, isn't it?" A scared Joey asked as Dawson sat down next to her on the only couch he had. "You told me how you felt that day. I want you to know now how I felt that day at the airport when I took that plane that brought me here. When I saw you running to me that day I didn't know what to expect. Then, when you said you loved me I feel like I was in heaven and when you kissed me it was. God! I don't know how to describe it. You kissing me back was all I was waiting for since that trip to Florida. Then, when I was in L.A. everything was confusing, all the editing, the actors, the actresses, Todd. You can't imagine why I call him Satan on the cell phone. But there she was, Natasha. She was a little like all of them but a little like me. I felt right with her. And now I can't remember how or when, but we began dating and one thing led to the next." Dawson had been all the time looking to the carpet but then he looked up right into Joey's eyes. And he could see the hurt, the tears. But she had to know. "Even though you kissed me that day, Joey, I didn't know what to expect from you, from us. I don't know, I know it was wrong but it was done anyway. Then, that morning, after we had slept together I phoned Natasha to tell her we couldn't be together. I left a message on her answering machine. I know it's an awful way to break up with someone, but I really needed to end that relationship. Because, believe it or not, I wanted more than everything for us to be together. That day was magical, Joey. I think I hadn't been that happy in a long time. But I knew you, I know you. I knew then, and I know now, that you're afraid of not getting to where you want to, of not having your own life. And I know that if we go back together it wouldn't last. It's a matter of time before one of us freaked out again. We're now on opposite sides of the country, we would barely see each other. And maybe now we would think we could manage but I'm not that sure." Dawson was crying, as was Joey. She knew he was right but it didn't make the pain disappear. "That doesn't mean I don't love you, Jo." Joey looked at him. "Because I do. I always have and I know for sure that I always will. And I really hope that one day we could look at each other and say; 'Now it's our time.'"
Joey nodded. She felt relieved, he loved her. She had hoped that maybe one day he could forgive her and love her again, but she didn't expect him to love her back right then. That meant that he hadn't stopped, just like she hadn't stopped loving him. She was looking him right in the eyes, and all she could think of was kissing him, holding him. But she knew they couldn't do that.
She tried to calm herself. "Well, since I have to spend the night here in L.A." Joey began as she wipes the tears off her cheeks and eyes. "I was wondering if I could stay here, with you." She looked at him with hope in her eyes. When she saw him smile and nod, a huge smile crossed her face.
"But I'm afraid I don't have another bed. Just a king size one." He said, teasing her. "Well, I think we could manage. But you have to promise to behave yourself, Leery." They slept together that night, but just as friends, just as they have done so many times before, but different. They could remember how well their bodies had fit together and how safe and comfortable they felt in each other's arms. But it was hard now. They both went to sleep wishing they could be together again, but knowing they couldn't. They wanted so badly to stay together. But in the morning, Joey had to fly back to Boston.
They made no promises, but to keep in touch.
A week later, Joey arrived at her room from class, and she found her phone ringing. She picked up the phone .. "Hello, beautiful. How was your day?" "Dawson! What do you think you're doing? I thought today was my turn to call you." She had a wide smile crossing her face. It always happened when she talked to Dawson. "Yeah, I know, my bad? But I wanted so badly to hear your voice again." "Well, if you say it that way. I miss you, lots." "Yeah, me too. That's why I've decided something." "What?" Now she was nervous, what kind of decision? Then, she heard a knock at her door. "Wait a minute Dawson, there's someone at my door."
She opened the door and there he was, Dawson Leery, looking at her with the biggest smile she had ever seen. "Well, I've decided that I can't stand being away from you for so long." She didn't let him finish. She held him, tight, and kissed him on the cheek. "So." Dawson continued, not letting her go. "I've talked with the Studios, and I've told them that I thought I still had so many things to learn, and that I thought it would be a great idea if I came to Boston to study how to be a good filmmaker."
She was astonished. "Dawson, are you sure of this?" "Yeah, I've talked to my mom yesterday morning and I told her what I wanted to do. And she was ecstatic." As he said that, he held her, looked deeply into her green eyes and kissed her. "Dawson .. That's great but ... Don't you think ... We ... Should talk .. about this?" Joey said between kisses. She was happy, but, at the same time, she was afraid that Dawson could be giving up his dream to be a director by staying there with her. "Look, don't worry. The studios thought that it was a great idea. They even gave me some kind of scholarship. And they will be waiting for me, though they thought I could study in LA, but I convinced them there were things I could only learn here, in Boston. There's no problem, Joey. I'm not giving up anything and we can be together." It was as if he could read her mind. But who was she fooling, he could. "Ok, then. Where are you going to live?" "Well, I thought that maybe I could stay with Pacey and Jack for a while, until I found something." And holding her closer "Or maybe I could stay here, until you get sick of me." With that they kissed. "Well, since Audrey is not here I have a free bed. You can use it" Joey teased him, with her half-smile. "You wish" Dawson said, and with that they kissed, again. Things were starting to get hotter and hotter in that room when they heard someone knocking at the door. It was Rachel; she had forgotten to give Joey her notes from the day before. As she saw Joey and Dawson together she thought, 'Wow, she has to be very good at apologizing'.
When they were alone again, and before they started to make up like crazy, Joey put the 'Don't disturb, I'm studying' bill. "Where were we?" she said.
Just as they leaned down on the bed a song began to play on the radio:
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I feel like I'm falling and I'm losing my ground
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I'm lost and I'm crawling
And I cannot be found
They both smiled, as they began to make out, both of them could only think about something: 'It was about time'.
I look up and you see that I'm crying
You see that I'm crying though I'm going home
I look up but I feel like I'm dying
I feel like I'm dying though I'm not alone
And only you, you can understand
Understand my childlike fears
And I hear your voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
I lie down and I feel like I'm drowning
I feel like I'm drowning though I know how to swim
I cry out and you think that I'm clowning
But I am not clowning I just don't fit in
And only you, you can understand
Understand my burning tears
And I hear you voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
And I'd be crazy to let you go
How I need you, you will never know
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I feel like I'm falling and I'm losing my ground
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I'm lost and I'm crawling
And I cannot be found
And only you, you have been around
Been around for all these years
And I hear you voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
Your voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
Your voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
"Music to my ears" Performed by Jenny Bruce
Rachel Portman wasn't having the best of days. She had failed two subjects and was thinking and daydreaming about what her summer would be like when she ran into someone. "Ouch! Sorry. .Joey?" "Hi Rachel". Joey didn't sound too happy that morning. Eddie was afraid of her, he was afraid he could fall in love with her and not be loved back; he thought he didn't deserve her. And what about her, did she deserve him? She knew she didn't, because nothing between them was real. It was all a masquerade. She was thinking about all of this when one of her classmates, Rachel, ran into her. It was as though Joey hadn't even realized she was now sitting on the floor. "Joey, are you ok?" Rachel was beginning to get worried. She couldn't say she was friends with Joey Potter, but even not knowing her that well, she knew that Joey didn't normally look that miserable. "Listen, I'm sorry I ran into you. I'm late for my next period." "Sure, don't worry" That was all Joey could say. She didn't have strength for more. "Joey, I know we barely know each other but, do you want to talk about anything?" Rachel said while she was helping Joey to stand up. "I think you could use a shoulder to cry on right now." "Rachel, I know you're just trying to help, thank you. But, really, I don't need any help." Joey was devastated inside, but she was still stubborn. "Well, what about a coffee, then?" "Rachel, really, I'm fine." "No, you're not. If you were fine you would have beaten up my ass only for running into you, and you didn't say a word. You look miserable; you have shadows under your eyes. Come on, Joey. What do you have to lose? I'm sure you could use a friend."
Joey couldn't help but smile at her. She was right. She needed someone to cry to. Jen was busy with that counselor thing and Jack was working on his relationship with David, Pacey. well, Pacey was in his own world; so Harley was the only one near her. Thinking about it, Rachel didn't seem like a bad option. "OK, I give up, you're right. I'm not at my best right now. How about that coffee?"
They went to a Coffee Shop near the campus. It was the first time Joey was there. It looked nice, soft light, low music. The perfect place to talk about private things.
"Well, here we are. Shoot!" Rachel was trying to enlighten the mood, but it wasn't easy to make Joey smile.
"I don't know where to begin, Rachel" Joey said. "How about at the beginning? It's usually the easier way" "The beginning was a long time ago. Do you remember that e-mail Heston read to the whole class?" "The one you wrote to that guy, Dobson?" "Dawson. Yeah, that one. Well I've barely talked to him since then. And he used to be my best friend, so, even though he hurt me so much, it's been hard to be apart from him. Because we've been together, you know, as friends, most of our lives." Rachel was listening. 'This could be interesting' she thought. 'Now, I'll see what Joey Potter is made of'.
"Well, I said that was the beginning, but that's not true. It all began around 4 years ago, when my best friend and the boy I was in love with kissed me. That night I thought I had died and gone to heaven." Joey was smiling at the memories. The way she felt when Dawson's lips touched hers for the first time. All the fireworks she saw, despite the fact she had her eyes closed. "After that night, we started to date. And we were a couple for around two months, but then I realized he was my whole life; that there wasn't anything or anyone in the world, not even my sister nor my baby nephew, who mattered to me, no one but Dawson Leery. And I was scared, terrified. I was madly, deeply, hopelessly and totally in love with a guy and I was only fifteen. So I broke up with him, but, before that, we told each other I love you for the first time. You can't imagine how I felt. I was happy, ecstatic but devastated at the same time. But that's the way our history happens." Rachel looked at Joey, she was crying, silently crying. "After I broke up with Dawson," Joey continued. "I began dating another friend of mine, Jack. He was everything Dawson wasn't. He was unknown to me. I could exist without him, but I wasn't sure I could without Dawson. Things didn't worked out between us because he turned out to be gay. Short time after Jack's announcement, Dawson and I got back together. And this time was even better than the first one, because we both knew what it was like to be without each other. And I knew that I needed Dawson in my life. But it all ended when Dawson found out that my father was dealing drugs again. " "Dealing drugs?" Rachel was a little surprised. She didn't know Joey's life was that turbulent. "Oh, yeah, I forgot you didn't know anything about my life before Worthington. My dad's now is in prison for dealing drugs. And that's the second time he has been arrested because of that. He got parole a short time before Dawson and I got back together, and, well, old habits die hard. Well, the point is that Dawson found out before any of us and in some way he forced me to help the police to send him to prison. I know now that it wasn't Dawson's fault. It was my father's. But you can imagine it, it was heartbreaking for me. But I did it because even then I knew it was the right thing to do, and I knew it was dangerous for my sister and me to live with him. But as hurt and angry as I was with my father I put all the blame on Dawson, and I broke up with him again." Joey was now looking out the window, with her eyes lost and sad.
Rachel was now thinking about all the times Joey had overreacted in Heston's class when they talked about people with that kind of problems; broken families, criminal relatives, .It should be really hard for her to grow up in a small town like Capeside and having that kind of family. Suddenly she realized Joey was talking again. "It was the beginning of the summer and Dawson left on holiday. By the time the new school year began and he came back, I had already realized how wrong I had been. So I wanted to win him back, but it was late. That year had been very hard for him. Earlier that year he had found out about his mother having an affair, he also had an odd relationship with a girl; and later on, his parents decided to get a divorce. Between all that nightmare he was living in was our relationship and my behavior, my doubts and fears hadn't helped him a bit." Joey sighed, how could she be so stupid then. "After Dawson rejected me I was depressed, devastated and I found a shoulder to cry on in the last person I expected, Pacey. He was my friend too, but we were always arguing. Then I began to fall out of love with Dawson and fall for Pacey. Or so I thought. After a year full of pain and doubts, I went off sailing that summer with Pacey. When we came back, Dawson was still mad at both of us because he felt betrayed. And it was true in some way." "Anyway, we manage to mend our friendship, Dawson and I. Then he began dating Pacey's older sister, Gretchen. When I saw them kissing for the first time and the way he looked at her. I realized that I wasn't over Dawson, but now he was with another person and I was with Pacey. I loved Pacey, don't get me wrong, but not the same way I loved Dawson." Rachel was now thinking about her complicated new friend. She always had thought Joey was a little uptight but now she could see she only wanted to protect herself, and sometimes she hurt people in the process. "Pacey and I were going out for about a year. He broke up with me at our Senior Prom Party, and Gretchen left Dawson soon after. We spent time together the last few weeks before summer and it felt like the good old times. By then I knew for sure I was still in love with him. My failed relationship with Pacey still hurt but what hurt the most were the things he had said to me when we were arguing that night." Pacey was now one of her best friends again, but when she remembered the things he said.could he be right? Did she destroy his self-esteem? "The last night Dawson spent in Capeside I went to his bedroom, and I asked him to stay. It's not that I expected him to do it just because I asked him, and he didn't.... but I told him anyway. That night we kissed and it felt as if nothing in the last two years had happened. After the summer, we met again, here in Boston, but it was strange. We weren't together, too much had happened to forget it right away but we both knew there was something going on despite everything. He came to Boston only for the weekend and when we were at the airport waiting for his plane, we made a deal, well sort of. We didn't want to not know each other, and him being in LA and me in Boston, that was exactly what was going to happen. So he dropped USC, not only for me, but partially. Soon after that, his father died in a car accident. He was devastated, miserable. You may think I would be the one to comfort him, but he didn't let me. He said I reminded him of his father." Now Joey was crying again, but this time it wasn't because of Dawson. She still missed him. Mitch was like a father to her. He had been by her side when her own father couldn't, and when he died, she also felt like a part of her had died with him, just like Dawson. "You don't know anything about my life in Capeside, Rachel. My mother died of cancer when I was thirteen, and that happened just before my father was sent to prison for the first time, so you can say I was alone. Of course I had my older sister, Bessie, but she was grieving too and I couldn't ask her to comfort me. So Dawson was the one to do so, and he was caring, loving. He didn't need to say anything; he comforted me just by being by my side, holding me. He was the best of friends then; I can never thank him enough for those times. And his parents were great too, they let me spend as much time as I wanted at their house. They became my surrogate family. Gail was the mother I had just lost and Mitch was the father I hadn't had. Now, I think you can understand why I felt like I did when Mitch died and Dawson didn't let me help him with his grieving as I once let him help me." Rachel was astonished now. She didn't know if she could handle all the bad things that had happened to Joey. She felt her eyes watering but she wiped the tears away before they fell because she knew this wasn't the moment for that.
"Dawson wasn't ok, at all. He had panic attacks and he began to go to a therapist; and she helped him, a lot. But meanwhile he was getting better; we were growing apart from each other. Then he began dating Jen, one of our friends. That broke my heart, but I knew it wasn't our time. They didn't last long, anyway. When they broke up things between us were like always, more or less. Though I still wanted more. But being us, things got a little complicated, and it wasn't until the summer when he found the courage to tell me he still loved me. And again, I got scared, because of everything that had happened. But the next day, when he was leaving for L.A. again, I ran to the airport and I told him I loved him too. We kissed, and everything seemed wonderful." "The summer began and I was working at the Yacht Club in Capeside, I went out a few times with a guy, but I was thinking of Dawson all the time, so, when things got a little further I ran away. Then I came back to Boston. Do you remember the first day with Heston? When my cell phone rang during class?" Rachel nodded. "Well, that day I had a meeting with Dawson, but he didn't make it. It was because of that I was late. We met again that night. We were dancing and talking about the summer. Then we went to my room, and he gave me a present for my birthday, a snowglobe, a Hollywood snowglobe. Then we kissed." Now Joey was daydreaming. Her voice, her face, everything showed the feelings inside her. The love, the magic she always felt with Dawson. And Rachel could feel for a moment the same way. And she envied Joey. "I don't know if I can even explain to you how I felt when he kissed me that night." Joey began. Rachel was listening to her astonished; never in a million years could she ever imagine Joey Potter had all these feelings bottled up inside of her. Joey was crying. Teardrops were falling silently down her cheeks. She cleaned them away and kept on talking. "I think I had been waiting for that night since I can remember. Being in Dawson's arms, holding him tight. Everything seemed perfect that day. Not only the sex, but everything between us was perfect. But when I found out about that girlfriend of his in L.A. I freaked out. I was jealous, insanely jealous. The thought of any other girl kissing him, touching him but me was driving me crazy. There was this feeling of betrayal, too. I had told him I loved him before he left for L.A., how did he dare to date another girl while I was waiting for him! But that wasn't really important. After we had that big fight I realized that if I wanted to have any chance of being his friend in the future we couldn't be a couple, at least not now. But that wasn't what came out of my mouth. I didn't even remember what was said that day. But I can remember the feeling of emptiness when he walked out my door. My heart was screaming, telling me to follow him and tell him I loved him and that I was wrong, but my head shut my heart up, and I stayed in my room, in my bed, crying like I've never cried." "Joey" Rachel interrupted her. "Do you love Dawson?" Joey looked at her, her eyes filled with surprise. "What do you mean? Of course I love him!" "OK, now tell me. If you loved Dawson that much, why did you date that guy at the Yacht Club?" "I don't know, he was nice. And I already told you I was thinking of Dawson all the time I was with him" Joey wasn't someone easy to argue with. "And when you slept with Dawson, did you love him?" "Are you kidding? Of course I loved him!" Joey was now getting impatient "What's your point, Rachel?" "But, if you loved him that much, why did you begin dating Eddie soon after he went back to LA?" Rachel interrupted her. "I don't know, Rachel. I was angry with him. And Eddie was there. Maybe it wasn't my best decision but I did it." Joey was getting frustrated with that conversation. "Did you sleep with Eddie?" "That's it. You've gone too far, Rachel. Thank you for trying to help me but, really, if we have to discuss my sexual life here I think we're not going anywhere!" Joey began to leave. "Joey, wait" Rachel stopped her. "I promise you I don't have any interest in you sexual life. I'm just trying to help you. Trust in me, please. And tell me, did you?" Joey looked at her, then closed her eyes and sighed. "Yes, I did" She whispered looking down. "And even though you slept with Eddie, you still loved Dawson." Joey nodded. "Joey, was Dawson your first?" "No, he wasn't. Pacey was my first, in high school." "And it was before or after Dawson began dating Pacey's sister?" "After. But Rachel, I'm getting tired of this game!" Joey warned. "Don't you see what I'm trying to say?" Joey shook her head no, a little exasperated. "No, Rachel, what do you mean?" "I mean that maybe, like you dated a guy and it didn't mean anything, he could date that girl and it didn't mean a thing either." "But he slept with her! I didn't sleep with that guy in Capeside" Joey protested. "But you did sleep with Eddie!" Rachel was trying to keep calm but it was hard to do it, Joey being as stubborn as she was. "Damn it! Joey. Don't you get it?! You slept with Eddie and you didn't love him. You have just told me you lost your virginity with Pacey after you had realized you were still in love with Dawson. Don't you understand that he could sleep with that girl and still be in love with you?" Joey seemed shocked. She didn't know what to say or what to do. So, Rachel, seeing that Joey wasn't going to say anything, continued. "From where I'm standing it seems like you're feeling of betrayal wasn't worth it. I mean, if you could date someone, why couldn't he? I think you overreacted, Joey. I can't talk about your jealousy, maybe you were right breaking up with him if you felt that wasn't the right time for you to be together, but I can tell about the betrayal, Joey. Think about it, if you think he betrayed you, you betrayed him too."
Joey seemed in her own world as Rachel finished her speech. She was thinking about what Rachel had just said. Rachel thought she overreacted, maybe she was right. Maybe, she screwed things up with Dawson.
"I don't know Rachel. I don't know. I only know that right then what I did seemed the best I could do. But now. Now I'm not that sure." She began to leave again, but this time she left because she had something to do. "Thank you Rachel." She said quietly. "You can't imagine how much you've helped me. Thanks a lot. I have to go now. I have a lot of explaining to do." After saying that Joey ran out of the Coffee shop.
As she arrived to her dorm, she picked up the phone and dialed Grams number.
"Jen?.Yeah, it's me, Joey. Do you know where I can find Dawson?.Today.Yes .Thanks a lot Jen, I'll explain it all when I come back from L.A.. Bye."
Joey packed a few things and called for a cab. Thirty minutes later she was arriving at the airport.
"Hi, do you have any vacancies on the first plane to L.A.?" "Yes, miss, but they are only in first class. It leaves in fifteen minutes." "Ok."
She knew she had just left a minimal amount of cash in her account after buying that ticket plane, but Dawson, their friendship, and all that could be repaired between them was worth it.
When she arrived in L.A. she phoned to the studios where she had been told Dawson was working. They told her he had left ten minutes ago, and refused to give more information to a stranger. Joey was about to hang up the phone when she remembered. "Can I talk to Todd, then?" "Wait a minute".
She talked to Todd, it took her around five minutes to make Todd remember her. But when he knew who she was he told her everything about Dawson's life in L.A. Where he lived, his number.
She was nervous when she arrived at Dawson's building. She was facing his door, trying to decide if she was going to knock or not when she heard a voice behind her. "If you don't ring the bell, it will be hard for me to know you're at my door." "Dawson! Hi" She said as she turned to face him. He was smiling, with that million dollars smile he had. As he opened the door motioning her to come on in, a million thoughts passed through his mind.
"What are you doing here, Jo?" "I came to pay you a visit." She was trying to act cool, but all inside of her was shaking. "Why?" "Because I think I owe you an explanation." "About what? I think after our talk at Christmas everything was clear. We're friends but we have to rebuild our friendship." Dawson was confused but excited at the same time. What did she want to explain? What did she want from him? Why the hell did she look so gorgeous even when she looked tired?
"I want to explain to you why I did what I did that day in Boston. It's only been twelve hours since I realized how stupid, stubborn and childish I was. But these have been the worst twelve hours I've had in my whole life." "Shoot."
Both were shaking, both were expecting what would come from that conversation. The ramifications of what had to be told were a mystery for both of them. And they both were anxious and afraid at the same time.
"That afternoon, when I found out about Natasha, I freaked out. I was insanely jealous, like you can't imagine. The thought of you with another woman when we should be together was just .unbearable." "Joey, I told you I broke up with her that morning, I." Interrupted Dawson. but Joey cut him off. "No, Dawson. I'm here to explain to you my actions, not because I want any explanation from you. You did more than you had to three months ago. Now it's my turn." He nodded, waiting for her to continue. "I was saying that I was jealous, but it wasn't just that. There was more, I felt as if you had betrayed me by going out with her. I felt used." Dawson opened his mouth to interrupt her again, but she shut it with her finger. Her touch was tender, loving, kind. "I know now that you didn't use me, Dawson, that you didn't betray me, that you loved me, just as much as I loved you. But I was blind. And I know I said some things that hurt you, but I didn't mean any of them. After you left my dorm room I cried for hours. My heart was broken in a million pieces, but it wasn't you who broke it, it was me. I broke my own heart by not listening to it and by breaking your heart, as I've done too many times." She stopped talking. The last part was said between sobs. She was crying again. She had been doing a lot of crying lately. Too much for a girl that was always trying to keep strong.
Dawson was staring at her in disbelief. That couldn't be true. The girl in front of him couldn't be Joey Potter, the girl who had been his best friend for most of his life, the girl he had been dreaming of for the last 4 years, the girl he once thought was his soulmate. That girl was sitting on his couch, crying. And he did the only thing he could, the only thing he knew, hold her. He held her tight. He held her until she seemed calm.
"Joey." The look in Dawson's eyes was full of love, full of tenderness. "Wait, Dawson." She looked into his eyes, those eyes she used to know so well, where she could read, where she could get lost. Those eyes, where she was getting lost right then. "I know that everything that has happened between us in these last few months can't be resolved with just a few words. I know that I've hurt you so much in the past. But you have to know that I hurt too. I don't expect you to tell me it's all forgiven, I'm not worth it. I only wanted you to know what I felt that day. I wanted you to know why I did the things I did, and why I said the things I said. I also wanted you to know that I didn't mean any of them. I want you to know that that night, and that day meant the world to me. You mean the world to me, Dawson. Even now, you're my world. Although I've tried to forget you, to forget what we meant to each other, what we've shared together. You've always been that one I cared the most about."
Dawson didn't know what to say. The words Joey was telling him were sinking in slowly, but deeply.
"I'm going to go back to Boston now, Dawson. Please give me a call when you think you're ready to forgive me. I'll be waiting for you. And believe me; I can wait for a long time." With that, she got up, kissed him softly but fully on the lips, took her coat and went to the door. When she was opening it, Dawson spoke. "What about Eddie, Joey? I thought you were together." "We were. But, when I came back from Capeside, he was nowhere to be found. He was hiding from me. I talked to him and we broke up. That was when I realized I hadn't cared about him the way I thought." She was going to go out his door, but before closing it she spoke for the last time. "You know? It's funny, Dawson. I've thought I've been in love with three guys. But as time passed by I've realized that I've only been in love with one of them. The other two were just two people that I've cared a lot about, but I didn't really love them. Not the way they deserved to be loved. At least Pacey deserved more than I could give him; I'm not that sure about Eddie, though. It's always been you, Dawson." As she finished she turned to face him, she smiled, but her smile was sad. "Bye."
With that she left, leaving behind her a very confused Dawson.
What was happening in Dawson's head was a mystery, even for him. He didn't know what to think of the things Joey had just said. He was confused. He was sure he loved Joey, but she was right. She had hurt him so much, so many times. He didn't know if he was ready for another break up with her. He knew her, at least he liked to think so, and he knew sooner or later she was going to get scared of what they would have or something like that. At the same time he was willing to give their relationship another try. He wanted too much to be with Joey again. But he was afraid, he was scared to death. He knew if they broke up one more time.it would be the last. Their friendship couldn't survive another break up.
Joey was at the airport; she was waiting for her plane to leave. This time she had to phone Bessie to ask her for money. But she didn't regret coming to L.A. She had cleared things up with Dawson. For the first time in her life she had had the courage to talk to him, to say to him how she felt, what she thought.
Dawson arrived breathless to the airport. "Excuse me, what's the flight number to Boston?" He said, breathing hard. "Flight 245, Gate 6, sir." "Thanks".
As he came nearer to her gate, he became more and more nervous. Then he saw her. She was sitting on a plastic chair, with her head in her hands and her hair falling down to the ground.
"Joey?" She didn't believe her ears. She looked up and there he was. Staring at her with his tender blue eyes. "Hey" "Hey" He smiled.
"What time do you leave?" "21:45" "Good, I think it's time enough. Come with me." He said while he made her stand up by pulling her by her wrist. "Dawson, what do you think you're doing?" "I'm taking you to the Company Desk, I want you to return your ticket." "Dawson, the plane leaves in twenty minutes, they won't refund the money. I've asked Bessie for the money, Dawson. I couldn't afford it. I can't lose it either." "Well, then we'll ask for a delay. You did all the talking before, Joey, and I think there's a lot more we need to talk about."
She looked at him not understanding his point completely. But she thought it could only be good, he wouldn't run all the way to the airport just to tell her there's no way back to each other.
They were at his apartment again. He was in the kitchen, making coffee. This was going to be a long night. Joey had phoned Boston to tell Rachel she was not going to make it to class the next day and asked her to take notes for her.
"I think now is your turn, isn't it?" A scared Joey asked as Dawson sat down next to her on the only couch he had. "You told me how you felt that day. I want you to know now how I felt that day at the airport when I took that plane that brought me here. When I saw you running to me that day I didn't know what to expect. Then, when you said you loved me I feel like I was in heaven and when you kissed me it was. God! I don't know how to describe it. You kissing me back was all I was waiting for since that trip to Florida. Then, when I was in L.A. everything was confusing, all the editing, the actors, the actresses, Todd. You can't imagine why I call him Satan on the cell phone. But there she was, Natasha. She was a little like all of them but a little like me. I felt right with her. And now I can't remember how or when, but we began dating and one thing led to the next." Dawson had been all the time looking to the carpet but then he looked up right into Joey's eyes. And he could see the hurt, the tears. But she had to know. "Even though you kissed me that day, Joey, I didn't know what to expect from you, from us. I don't know, I know it was wrong but it was done anyway. Then, that morning, after we had slept together I phoned Natasha to tell her we couldn't be together. I left a message on her answering machine. I know it's an awful way to break up with someone, but I really needed to end that relationship. Because, believe it or not, I wanted more than everything for us to be together. That day was magical, Joey. I think I hadn't been that happy in a long time. But I knew you, I know you. I knew then, and I know now, that you're afraid of not getting to where you want to, of not having your own life. And I know that if we go back together it wouldn't last. It's a matter of time before one of us freaked out again. We're now on opposite sides of the country, we would barely see each other. And maybe now we would think we could manage but I'm not that sure." Dawson was crying, as was Joey. She knew he was right but it didn't make the pain disappear. "That doesn't mean I don't love you, Jo." Joey looked at him. "Because I do. I always have and I know for sure that I always will. And I really hope that one day we could look at each other and say; 'Now it's our time.'"
Joey nodded. She felt relieved, he loved her. She had hoped that maybe one day he could forgive her and love her again, but she didn't expect him to love her back right then. That meant that he hadn't stopped, just like she hadn't stopped loving him. She was looking him right in the eyes, and all she could think of was kissing him, holding him. But she knew they couldn't do that.
She tried to calm herself. "Well, since I have to spend the night here in L.A." Joey began as she wipes the tears off her cheeks and eyes. "I was wondering if I could stay here, with you." She looked at him with hope in her eyes. When she saw him smile and nod, a huge smile crossed her face.
"But I'm afraid I don't have another bed. Just a king size one." He said, teasing her. "Well, I think we could manage. But you have to promise to behave yourself, Leery." They slept together that night, but just as friends, just as they have done so many times before, but different. They could remember how well their bodies had fit together and how safe and comfortable they felt in each other's arms. But it was hard now. They both went to sleep wishing they could be together again, but knowing they couldn't. They wanted so badly to stay together. But in the morning, Joey had to fly back to Boston.
They made no promises, but to keep in touch.
A week later, Joey arrived at her room from class, and she found her phone ringing. She picked up the phone .. "Hello, beautiful. How was your day?" "Dawson! What do you think you're doing? I thought today was my turn to call you." She had a wide smile crossing her face. It always happened when she talked to Dawson. "Yeah, I know, my bad? But I wanted so badly to hear your voice again." "Well, if you say it that way. I miss you, lots." "Yeah, me too. That's why I've decided something." "What?" Now she was nervous, what kind of decision? Then, she heard a knock at her door. "Wait a minute Dawson, there's someone at my door."
She opened the door and there he was, Dawson Leery, looking at her with the biggest smile she had ever seen. "Well, I've decided that I can't stand being away from you for so long." She didn't let him finish. She held him, tight, and kissed him on the cheek. "So." Dawson continued, not letting her go. "I've talked with the Studios, and I've told them that I thought I still had so many things to learn, and that I thought it would be a great idea if I came to Boston to study how to be a good filmmaker."
She was astonished. "Dawson, are you sure of this?" "Yeah, I've talked to my mom yesterday morning and I told her what I wanted to do. And she was ecstatic." As he said that, he held her, looked deeply into her green eyes and kissed her. "Dawson .. That's great but ... Don't you think ... We ... Should talk .. about this?" Joey said between kisses. She was happy, but, at the same time, she was afraid that Dawson could be giving up his dream to be a director by staying there with her. "Look, don't worry. The studios thought that it was a great idea. They even gave me some kind of scholarship. And they will be waiting for me, though they thought I could study in LA, but I convinced them there were things I could only learn here, in Boston. There's no problem, Joey. I'm not giving up anything and we can be together." It was as if he could read her mind. But who was she fooling, he could. "Ok, then. Where are you going to live?" "Well, I thought that maybe I could stay with Pacey and Jack for a while, until I found something." And holding her closer "Or maybe I could stay here, until you get sick of me." With that they kissed. "Well, since Audrey is not here I have a free bed. You can use it" Joey teased him, with her half-smile. "You wish" Dawson said, and with that they kissed, again. Things were starting to get hotter and hotter in that room when they heard someone knocking at the door. It was Rachel; she had forgotten to give Joey her notes from the day before. As she saw Joey and Dawson together she thought, 'Wow, she has to be very good at apologizing'.
When they were alone again, and before they started to make up like crazy, Joey put the 'Don't disturb, I'm studying' bill. "Where were we?" she said.
Just as they leaned down on the bed a song began to play on the radio:
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I feel like I'm falling and I'm losing my ground
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I'm lost and I'm crawling
And I cannot be found
They both smiled, as they began to make out, both of them could only think about something: 'It was about time'.
I look up and you see that I'm crying
You see that I'm crying though I'm going home
I look up but I feel like I'm dying
I feel like I'm dying though I'm not alone
And only you, you can understand
Understand my childlike fears
And I hear your voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
I lie down and I feel like I'm drowning
I feel like I'm drowning though I know how to swim
I cry out and you think that I'm clowning
But I am not clowning I just don't fit in
And only you, you can understand
Understand my burning tears
And I hear you voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
And I'd be crazy to let you go
How I need you, you will never know
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I feel like I'm falling and I'm losing my ground
I stand up but I feel like I'm falling
I'm lost and I'm crawling
And I cannot be found
And only you, you have been around
Been around for all these years
And I hear you voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
Your voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
Your voice through the darkness
It's music to my ears
"Music to my ears" Performed by Jenny Bruce