Bear Crack:
The Off Screen Minecraft Story Mode Chronicles
By Bong & Schoolgirl Studly
Chapter 1: Fuck You You Fucking Piece of Shit
"For the right price I'll help anyone; you know where to find me" Petra started to walk away, satisfied with the witty line she couldn't believe was in a kids game.
With a whiney whine, Olivia whined "None of us know where to find you!"
Petra was locked and loaded with another cool one-liner, and unloaded "Exactly" while continuing her exit. She had spent a difficult day traversing the Nether, searching for a skull to net her quite a profit. Being the suave, professional explorer and procurer of obscure items she was, it was no real problem making it out alive. Killing Wither Skeletons, Magma Cubes, Ghasts and Blaze's had become as easy a task as breathing to the adventurous young girl, but had worked up her appetites to the max. She needed bacon. She needed pork chops, and potatoes, and a large, cold stein of lager. But most of all, Petra needed what she needed most in this world; crack-cocaine and deviant sex.
Making her way to the back of the camp at the building convention, Petra was keeping her eyes open for Wilcox, the local crack supplier. He was cute and cube-like, with a head as square as his cock was big. The size of an eggplant, and not a small one at that. His prices weren't cheap, nor was his quality necessarily that, but it was the nearest supply and her cravings were fierce. Multiple familiar faces approached her, ready to engage in small talk and in petty business transactions. She wasn't interested in expanding her purse at this moment however; she had everything she needed right at her disposal. She had diamonds, she had a mysterious skull, and she had her crack pipe.
Wilcox was easy enough to find, Petra merely had to follow the stench of piss soaked clothes and freshly mined coal. Sitting near a few tents in the back, Wilcox was squatting near a BBQ pit, grilling chicken wings over the fire. While the smell of chile powder and burning flesh was strong, it wasn't enough to overpower the stink emanating off of Wilcox. Coal blocks and torches ran up her nose as fiercely as Creepers explode. "Wilcox, I've come to bargain."
Grinning up with a smile missing more teeth than he had, he mustered an "Of course" through wheezing, gasping words. Smoking copious amount of crack-cocaine throughout his lifetime had taken a toll on the once handsome former Priest, as his words were as raspy as his body was weathered and scar filled.
"10 grams for a diamond?" Petra hated bartering with Wilcox. The man was shrewd, never letting go of more than he had to.
"No dice." He stared at her with dead eyes, an indicator he wasn't willing to budge on his price.
"How much then? I don't have all day to entertain your lonely ass. I got shit to go do."
"You're never wanting to entertain me Petra. What's wrong with me, why don't you chillax and hang out?"
"Listen here motherfucker, because you're Creepy McCreepster and I ain't got time for your fuckshit. I need some crack, you want a diamond, how much fucking crack are you going to sell me for a diamond?"
"God damn you have the mouth of a trucker prostitute. Lot Lizards could teach you a thing or two about class."
"You wouldn't know class even after I hit you in the fucking face, you fucking perv fuck."
"I love this side of you."
"And I love the fact you're on pedophile registries across the land. How much cock sucking crack are you going to sell me for an uncle fucking diamond you twat retard cum dumpster fuck." Her words were bitter sharp, but her tone sweet, as to confuse the mentally deficient crack dealer in front of her. Mission accomplished, like George W. Bush into Iraq.
"Uh, eight and a half?" Unsure and confused, Wilcox just wanted Petra to be gone at this point. She was a startling beauty, with boobs as full and square as an underwear model, and a square butt so square it would make a rectangle look like a square. He knew a beauty as pure as hers would never partake in fornication with the likes of him, and that fact was profoundly tearing away at his self esteem. He was emo like the author's brother's girlfriend's husband; a complete faggot. The biggest faggot that ever lived perhaps! But I digress; Wilcox read Petra's eyeballs and knew she was willing to the transaction. The illegal drug transaction that is!
"Go grab your scale you skeezy fuck, I don't trust your ass as much as you do to not shit your pants with as much as you get fucked in your fucking asshole you fucking faggot fuck." Wilcox gave her the dead eyes again, to which she replied "Good." The wannabe trap God stood up, humiliated but unable to argue, his balls having been castrated by the Pope's choir decades prior. The emasculated eunuch went into his tent and emerged with his scale and a slight erection, as he found the humiliation strangely arousing. I know eunuch's don't get boners but it adds to the story.
Her eyes were boring into his soul, making him as uncomfortable as he was the first time he was anally molested as a small, feeble child. "Hold on a second, I'm getting it ready!" Wilcox's whine wasn't as whiney as Olivia's previous whine, but it was whiney nonetheless. As he reached into his bag and pulled out the succulent crack rocks, her lips whet in insurmountable hunger. Her brain was famished, and needed crack-cocaine almost as badly as she needed beastiality. But that was for later. Now, all she needed was a fix to keep her company into the woods. She handed over the diamond, and without a further word, walked away with only a spiteful smile for a goodbye.
A few miles down the road into the forest, Petra was starting to get irritated. She was walking along the riverbend, smoking rock after rock, unable to get the high she so desperately needed. No matter how much she smoked, Petra couldn't get that level of hand shaking highness she craved. She wanted her head to be waving in and out, her ears booming. What she had, however, was barely getting her high. She was much more hardcore than the average weird cube Minecraft human, so it only made sense that her tolerance to hard, illicit drugs was greater than most. She needed something special to get her rocks off, something not meant for human consumption; she needed bear crack.
Janice was a crossdressing drag queen in his/her forties. Petra was more liberal than most in her universe, except maybe Patton Oswalt, so she thought of Janice as a she, but there were many others who saw the hairy, gruff Greek man underneath the mascara and sundresses. In the mean streets of the woods, they called him/her "Mom", though nobody really knew why. She lived with her bear companion Viviane, a lesbian female bear who, although cried constantly, was a former prize fighter and a Judo champion.
The weird cube Minecraft human crossdresser and the dyke bear might have been an odd couple, but they cooked some of the best bear crack on the planet. They themselves were not affiliated with any of the wilderness gangs, but did business with all of them as independent suppliers. This meant they had to handle their own beefs, although they were more than capable of doing so.
They lived in a treehouse in a part of the forest as thick as Janice's cube cock. Killing a few spiders along the way, Petra didn't bother to pick up their dropped string and spider eyes. Too focused on the task at hand, the woman warrior was waving her sword with one hand while smoking her crack rocks with a self lighting crack pipe with the other. As she neared Janice and Viviane's humble house, she could hear them bickering in the background.
"Quit acting so trashy and finger fuck my ass with class Viviane! I don't want our scenes to get cut in this game. The producers are already looking at us like you are trouble!"
"I'm trouble? Not we? You're sneaking away to smoke crack rocks when they were over here trying to negotiate prices for our part in aiding Petra."
"Shut up, you aren't concentrating on fingering my man pussy."
"I'm sorry."
The sounds of bear on transgender sex were music to Petra's ears, but these two were not nearly attractive enough to grace her vaginal cunt. With glee, she yelled "Quit it you two, you need to aid me in my quest...to SMOKE BEAR CRACK!" Giggling as she heard hushed cursing and the clattering of bumbling, high fools getting dressed, Petra didn't know how the two could have sex with each other; she was Petrafied of seeing their bodies (get it!).
"Come on in" Janice gruffly yelped. His/her customer walked inside, shaking her head every step of the way.
"I got two diamonds, hook it up."
"Keep 'em. We got jacked, we don't have anything."
"These sorts of jokes aren't funny Viviane."
"She wasn't joking Petra, we really are out of bear crack. That new gang, the Beaver Dam Boys, they robbed us. They robbed us blind." Janice began to weep as she just muttered "Assholes" over and over again.
"Well, where are these Beaver Dam Boys? I need some motherfucking goddamn crack cocaine, and only the finest made for bears will do. If they have it, we're taking 'em out. And I'll keep my diamonds."
"Gods be praised" the beastiality practicing couple sang together.
CHAPTER 2: Fuck You That's Why You Fucking Fuck
Hold on readers I'm going to masturbate in the shower really quick.
Okay thanks. So Petra, Viviane and Janice are all walking towards the Beaver Dam HQ, which wasn't a dam but a castle don't cha know. "Mom I want cinnamon rolls!" Wait I meant to scream that at the top of my lungs and not write it. I hate writing. Petra's plan, which was walk in and kill everyone, didn't fill Viviane or Janice with much confidence. The woman warrior was convinced that, as somewhat of a main character, she won't die this early on, especially most likely in something that is happening off screen because who the fuck wants to see a crossdressing crack cocaine dealer have sex with an old lesbian bear. Convinced of her own safety, nothing could dissuade Petra of her plan, not even the safety of her companions not being guaranteed.
As they neared Castle Von Dammit Bobby, the clattering feet of Beaver Boys from afar rose into the air like roses being shot out of special cannons that shoot flowers. Petra grabbed her sword, and before anyone knew what happened, she was running towards the camp. The guard on duty outside the gate didn't know what to think of a sexy young cube woman running towards him, confusion slowing his reaction time just enough for Petra to strike. His head fell off, and his body disappeared while his items spawned on the ground for all to take.
Kicking open the front gate, Petra yelled "Come get it boys, Mommy's here to play!" before running around, swinging her swords, disemboweling all who came near her. Those who ran recieved arrows to the backs, and almost as quickly as she entered, Petra had violently dismembered an entire gang of people, as well as their innocent women and children. Even the babies! #jelly
Sifting through limbs and guts and items, Janice and Viviane were looking for their bear crack. "You should have left one alive" Viviane suggested. "So they could tell us where the stash is."
"I know where the stash is" Petra sniggered. She then killed Viviane and Janice, smoked all their bear crack, stole a bunch of diamonds from the Beaver Dam Boys, and was looking for a good dead child to fuck until she heard Jesse screaming for help like a little bitch out in the distance.
THE END