Mystery Meat

CONTENT:
Rating: Teen
Flavor: Drama
Language: maybe
Violence: no
Nudity: none
Sex: none
Other: none

Author's Note:

This episode is more of a short collection of scenes that go with the original episode. If you haven't seen the original episode (lately), you might become a bit lost.

Mystery Meat

==#==

The highway was awash in blood. Andy felt his gorge rise at the sight, even before he stepped out of the patrol car and the stench hit him, even before he saw the unidentified chunks of flesh glistening on the pavement.

"A right mess, innit?" PC Travers asked him as he came over. "Don't worry," she added, "it's not human, and it was long dead before it got here. Mostly." She pointed towards the overturned lorry and ambulances. "Driver of the lorry didn't make it. Two other cars involved, some injuries there, but they should pull through."

Andy and Travers headed towards a knot of other PCs who were milling around the back of the lorry. There were several slabs of red meat, the size of packing cases. Their protective wrapping had split open.

"What is that?"

Merrick looked over. "Weird, huh? You'd expect sides of beef, not these... cubes."

"Is it pork?"

"Too red."

"Yeah, but..." Andy's brow wrinkled, trying to picture how you got this cut off a cow. Even the biggest GMO steers, there'd be bones. Ribs at least. "Is it chopped and molded?" He couldn't stand the smell any more and put his sleeve over his nose. "Like spam?"

Merrick shrugged. "The driver didn't have a proper manifest. It just says 'meat.' We don't know what it is."

"What about this firm? 'Harwood's Haulage'?"

"Keane is on the phone to them now." Merrick gave Andy a tip of his head. "You want to ring your pal Gwen?"

"Gwen? What for?"

Travers said, "Well, isn't anything strange and unusual supposed to go through Torchwood?"

Andy gaped. "You want to call Torchwood?" The PCs hated Torchwood. Insufferable louts. "For a traffic accident?"

"They can solve the mystery of the mystery meat," Travers insisted.

"But it's just meat."

Merrick said, "And who d'ya think is gonna have to clean it up?"

Andy looked around. He heard the thump of the ambulance doors, and the warning whoop of the siren as it started to pull out, lights flashing. Cleanup was going to be a dirty job. "I'm not calling Gwen for this," he said. "Go through official channels if you want."

==#==

Half an hour later, the uniforms were still directing traffic. The black Torchwood SUV rolled up and discharged the team.

Inside the truck, Jack prodded the bale of meat with his foot. It was spongy with an even consistency. "No bones," he surmised. And the texture was too uniform to be pressed meat.

There were very few animals on Earth that could yield a solid chunk of meat that size, but Jack knew over a dozen alien species that would fit the bill, and that didn't even cover the infinite number of possibilities he didn't know about. And in Cardiff, they were more likely than an elephant or a whale.

Owen crouched to prod at the meat, and Tosh took photos of the scene, while Gwen looked on.

Owen said, "It's definitely meat, but what kind is anybody's guess. We should pack up one of these to take with us, and get the uniforms to deliver the rest." He stood up and looked around for a bale that wasn't torn open as much. He spied one and moved toward it. "Why didn't we bring along the elves to cart this to the truck?"

"Elven manual labor is racist," Jack reminded him. "And Ianto wanted them for special training." Then he shot a glance at Gwen.

She was already moving to help Owen. "I'll give you a hand."

Tosh retreated to the SUV to upload her photos, so Jack was left to talk to the cops.

He alit from the lorry and strode towards the knot of uniforms. "Captain Jack Harkness. Who's in charge here?"

They all shared a look before one stepped forward. "Sergeant Crewe."

"Good. We need all this meat gathered up and brought to our storage facility." He didn't bother waiting for a 'yes, sir' or other acknowledgement. The cops hated Torchwood, but they had to do their job. The collective mutterings of 'Bloody Torchwood' and other epithets at least let him know they got the message.

==#==

Ianto had the elves down in the sub-basement laundry room, where Torchwood had its industrial washers and dryers. Elven labor might be racist, but they could at least do their own laundry. If Ianto was lucky, he'd have some help with the rest of the laundering, too. Well, he could hope.

Bannon and Ianto were standing at the folding table, sorting the linens. Zevran had volunteered to go fetch another cart full of laundry from the Hub. He was probably taking the opportunity to shirk, Ianto was pretty sure.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked Bannon. "Something personal, I mean."

The elf shrugged. "Sure."

"It's just that... Well, I know it's none of my business, but... you and Zevran. You're together, right? I mean, in a relationship."

"Yeah."

"A... sexual relationship," Ianto clarified.

Bannon became defensive. "So?"

"No, no; I don't mean anything by it. I'm just curious. You two have an open relationship, right? I was wondering how that works."

"Oh." The elf relaxed again, and set down his towel. "Well, both of us like women. Neither one of us is a woman, so if we want that kind of action, we have to go elsewhere."

"That makes sense," Ianto said slowly. But Jack was no woman. "But... Zevran and Jack...? And you're not... jealous? Worried? Angry, even?"

"Naah." Bannon went back to folding towels.

"But... just how? Most people get really uptight when the person they're sleeping with goes and has sex with someone else."

Bannon thought about it a bit. "Well, the thing is... that thing about getting women, it's just what I tell everybody. The truth is... Zevran needs to seduce people. I knew if I tried to stop him when we got together that I would lose him. He... It was how he's trained, but he needs that power, that freedom." He shrugged.

"So that was part and parcel of Zevran, that you accepted."

"Yeah."

Interesting. It was part of Jack as well, part of what made him who he was. Could Ianto accept that? "You're never worried he'll... move on? Find someone better? Lose interest?"

"Naah."

"Really?" Ianto still couldn't fathom it.

Bannon turned to him, his dark eyes serious. "Zevran loves me," he said. "Sex has nothing to do with it. It never has."

"Oh." Their relationship was built on something else entirely. Something Ianto didn't have with Jack. He frowned. "I see."

Bannon tipped his head, flipping a lock of long hair out of his eyes. "Are you and Jack...?"

"What? No. I mean... not like that. We... dabble. Occasionally." Ianto walked over to check the dryer. "We haven't... you know." He waved his hand vaguely. "Gone all the way."

The elf just looked at him, confused.

"You know?"

Headshake.

"I mean... penetrative sex." Ianto hoped he didn't have to draw a picture. "Not that other sex isn't real sex," he was quick to add. "But, just... you don't really need all this TMI, I'm sure."

"Tea am I?"

"'Too Much Information.' That happens when someone starts getting too detailed about their personal lives."

"Hmmm."

Ianto looked at Bannon. "You... didn't really want to hear all the gory details of my sexual escapades with Jack, did you?"

"Ugh, no!"

"There we go then: TMI." He opened the dryer door. "Let's carry on then, shall we?"

==X==