This is a one-shot. It's set between the scenes of the most recent episodes.
Elena's POV:
Memories. We don't give them enough credit. We remember the good things and try to forget the painful ones, we forget things without giving it a second thought, but what we don't acknowledge, what we completely ignore, is that our memories make us who we are. If you remember being betrayed you're going to be careful, perhaps even closed off. If you remember getting hurt you're going to avoid making the same mistakes. The collection of our memories forms our personality, our goals, our desires. That's why you can't just erase someone. You can't ever really forget something, not without forgetting yourself along the way.
"Look, Elena, I have to focus on removing the anti-magic spell on Mystic Falls." My best friend Caroline tells me while putting clothes in her suitcase.
"You've been trying to find a way for months, just take a break, get lost in the college experience. You'll find a way to reverse the spell eventually." I say. I can't believe she wants to ditch me here. College was supposed to be something the three of us did together, I already lost Bonnie, I don't want to lose my other best friend too.
"That sounds great, but I don't think I can take college seriously after everything that happened." She says. I sigh. So that's what this is about. I take a step towards her and put my hand on her shoulder.
"I lost her too Care and I miss her every day." I take a shaky breath to steady my voice. "But Bonnie would want us to keep on living our lives." I finish. Caroline looks at me and for a moment I see a mix of incredulousness and pity, and for a moment I understand why that look is directed at me, but the moment quickly passes, Caroline looks away and I find myself wondering how to get through to my friend.
"Not all of us can erase our grief." She mumbles and walks out of the room before I can reply. The still only half full suitcase lays forgotten on her bed. I sit down beside it feeling worn out. A picture frame laying on top of Caroline's yellow dress catches my attention. I carefully pick it up and see that it's a picture of me, Caroline and Bonnie that was taken a few years ago. I miss her. I miss her so much. I understand that Caroline is hurting, but she has no right to take it out on me. I don't erase my grief, just because I'm trying to keep on living doesn't mean I'm not in pain too. I've lost so much, first my parents, then my birth parents, aunt Jenna, for awhile I lost Jeremy too, now Bonnie. I know grief better than anyone. Just thinking about the most recent tragedy of our lives makes my heart clench and my breath get caught in my throat.
'Splash' I'm pulled away from my trance, only to realize that the sound was a teardrop hitting the picture frame right by my fingers that have been unconsciously tracing Bonnie's face. I wipe at my eyes and put the photograph back with Caroline's things.
***TVD***
"Elena, hey." Liam catches up to me in the hallway.
"Oh, hey. What's up?" I ask.
"I don't know, you tell me." He says.
"What?" I ask confused.
"Well, you tried to set me up with your friend and then I kissed you, so… do you want to hang out?" He finishes with a laugh. It feels like it's been forever since I've been on a date and Liam is cute, but… for some reason the thought of going out with him sounds wrong. Why is that? A lot of time has passed since Stefan and I broke up so it's not like it's too early to start dating again.
"Oh, um, I… I know this sounds really weird, but I'm not sure if dating is something that I want right now." I say apologetically.
"Wow, first you try to set me up with that girl, now this. You really don't want to go out with me hugh?" He tries to make it sound like a joke, but the pain of rejection is clear on his face.
"It's not you, I… I don't even know what's wrong with me. I imagine going on a date with someone and… and I realize that's not something that I want." I explain feeling incredulous at my own response.
"So what do you want?" He asks. 'I don't know what I want' I open my mouth to answer, but stop myself.
'You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure... And even a little danger.'
"I…" I trail off, caught off guard by words that somehow arose in my head and that feeling, the one I always get when I think of Bonnie and all the others that I lost, that grief that tries to swallow me.
"Elena?" Liam asks worried.
"...I want what everybody wants." I say feeling astonished. I look at him and for a moment instead of dark brown eyes I see light blue ones.
"What's that?" He asks.
"…A love that consumes me." I answer quietly. Before he can say anything else I kiss him. I kiss him, because I need to get rid of that ache in my chest, that… that empty void that keeps on constantly torturing me. He instantly responses, pulling me closer. But something's wrong. Something's always wrong. I kiss Liam harder.
***TVD***
"So what's up with the make out session in the middle of the hallway, are you guys a thing now?" Caroline asks, something in her tone sounds bitter.
"You saw that?" I ask. We're sitting in our room, yup I convinced her to stay.
"With the way you were kissing him I'm sure even the dead saw it." She says giving me a look like she expects her words to have some huge meaning to me.
"I don't understand." I say confused. She shakes her head.
"Forget it. I'm happy for you." She says giving me a smile, but there's still something in her eyes that seems almost like an accusation.
"It was one kiss, Care, we haven't even went out yet." I say.
"Good." She says.
"Good?" I ask incredulously. Her eyes go wide.
"I just mean… that… I don't think it's a good idea to throw yourself at someone so soon after losing… Bonnie." She says.
"Okay…" I say still feeling confused.
"So will you go out with him?" She asks.
"…We have a date tonight." I say fidgeting with my daylight ring.
"Oh." Is all she says.
"… Are you still avoiding him?" I ask to change the subject.
"Hugh?" She asks.
"Don't give me that, you know exactly who I'm talking about." I say playfully.
"That jerk isn't even worth the time that I would spend avoiding him." She says in an angry voice that hides pain. I sadly shake my head.
"That 'jerk' lost his brother." I say putting air quotes around jerk. "Of course that brother was a psychotic maniac who only cared about himself, but he was still Stefan's brother." I add bitterly. My heart sinks. Why do I keep on randomly feeling grief?
"God how can you say that?" She whispers.
"What do you mean?" I ask confused.
"Nothing." She says, her gaze cast at the floor.
***TVD***
I step into my dark dorm room and close the door behind me. I just came back from my date with Liam. Looks like Caroline's still out, which is good, because the last thing I want is to have her give me that judgmental look again. I lean on the door. Liam took me to a restaurant and we ate what was probably the tastiest spaghetti I've had in my entire life. I slide down to the floor, it would probably be cold if I wasn't a vampire. We talked, we joked around. It was a lot fun. I rest my head against the door and pull my knees against my chest. Liam is like the perfect guy. A sob escapes my mouth on its own accord. My cheeks quickly become wet from tears. One sob follows another until I'm hysterically crying. Why does it hurt so much? I used to think that the worst possible thing is to lose someone and feel sorrow. I was wrong. The worst thing is to feel sorrow and not know why.
***TVD***
Stefan and I are sitting at a table in a bar.
"You don't need to do this you know, I'm really fine." He says.
"Well, I admit, the fake proposal was a lot of fun." I say. "But you're hurting, Stefan, I know that you are." I add.
"Of course I'm hurting, Elena. But starting over, that's my way of dealing with it." He says.
"Pushing your friends away is not a very good way of dealing." I say.
"I'm not pushing anyone away, I'm just trying to move on." He says.
"You tried to kill Enzo. That's not you, you don't do revenge, Stefan. Not unless something is seriously wrong." I say.
"He killed my girlfriend." He points out incredulously.
"…Did… did you love her?" I ask. He stares at me for a few seconds, then sighs and leans back in his stool.
"I think I was starting too." He answers.
"…A woman. Doesn't it always come down to the love of a woman?" I say sadly. Stefan gulps, which makes me look at him with a questioning gaze.
"That's what Da-… I mean… You… Do you…" He stumbles with his words, then shakes his head. There's something in his eyes, he looks like he saw a ghost. "I'm sorry. That just sounded a lot like something that someone I once knew used to say." He finally says.
"Who?" I ask. He stares at me and I get this feeling that he's looking for something in my eyes… I wonder if he finds it… I hope he finds it.
"Someone really amazing." He says sadly after he finally casts his eyes to the table. "Why don't you tell me about college?" He asks, changing the subject before I can bring myself to ask a question that always seems just out of my grasp.
***TVD***
I open my window and breathe in the cool night's air. Slowly I sit down on the windowsill and look outside. The night is calm. No parties tonight, so the street is empty, the windows dark.
'You erased him. You had Alaric compel you to forget every good thing that Damon ever did. You made him a monster in your own mind because you couldn't handle the grief of losing him.'
I didn't believe it at first. How could I? I mean, I hated him, I was sure I hated him… but then it kind of made sense.
'When Damon died, a part of you died too.'
Somewhere deep down inside I knew it all along.
'You loved Damon for the same reasons that I love Damon. Because in spite of every single thing that he did, we couldn't live without him.'
Am I angry at Stefan for telling me? No, no I'm not. I'm relieved that he did. But I do feel angry at myself. Or maybe not so much angry as sad. Sad and hurt and broken.
'If you feel any hope for the future at all, then you're already better off.'
Memories. We don't give them enough credit. I thought I could erase Damon from my mind and then it wouldn't hurt anymore, but the thing is that memories make us who we are. You can't just erase someone. You can't ever really forget something, not without forgetting yourself along the way. You think you forget things with time, but that's not true. Sure you can forget someone, but you can't forget the impact that person had on your life. You can't forget everything that person taught you. That's why memories never fade away. I might not remember Damon, but I remember loving him… and I might have forgotten losing him, but I will always remember missing him. So Stefan was wrong, I didn't erase him. I just tried to.
It's kind of short, but I felt that to make it longer I would've just been putting irrelevant stuff to the story and I didn't want to do that, also I really wanted to post it before the new episode airs. Anyway, if you liked it please review, that would mean a lot.