Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty

by The Cheesebub

Get ready for a season of TD unlike any other! 18 campers from seasons' past return to Pahkitew Island, where they'll compete in the ultimate battle for dominance. Which trait will prevail? Along the way, there's sure to be tons of shocking twists, high stakes drama, touching romance, and of course... DUNCAN! Did I mention Duncan! Your favorite character, Duncan! He's here too!

1. E1P1: Let's Get This Trainwreck Started

Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty

Episode 1 Part 1-Chapter 1: Let's Get This Trainwreck Started

"TOTAL DRAMA IS BACK, BABY!" Chris Mclean screamed, thrusting his hands wildly up towards the sky, his voice crackling with desperate excitement. The host pointed towards the camera, flashing his iconic pearly whites, as he stood on a remote beach.

"Welcome back, everyone. I've missed you. You may have been wondering where we've been. After all, it's been almost two years since you last saw us, back during one of our most iconic seasons, Total Drama: Pahkitew Island. I mean, all of our seasons are iconic, of course. They have to be, given that we pioneered the very existence of reality TV." The camera followed Chris as he began to stroll down the beach.

"And yet, some people seem to have forgotten all about us! They think we're old news, now that there are all these other shows appearing out of literally nowhere, claiming they're the next big thing, when in fact, they're just a little boy trying on their father's suit. But daddy's home, and now it's time for his pathetic son to go to bed." Chris came to a stop next to a tree, and rested his hand against it.

"I mean, come on. Did you really think a guy named DON could ever steal MY throne? That middle-of-the-road, cardboard cutout of a man? Yeah, no," Chris laughed, and looked sternly at the camera. "Sorry, DON, but you're DONE. Between your show and my show, there ain't even a race, let alone a 'ridonculous' one. What kind of word is 'ridonculous', anyway? Such a childish word. Do you think our audience is full of children, Don? Huh? That's just disrespectful. Screw you, Don. I hate your stupid puke-green jacket; I hate your weird, sudden Canadian pronunciation of vowels on random occasions; I hate your relatively higher standing among the Internet fan community solely on the basis of you being a completely vanilla nonfactor in your season! I hate everything about you!" Chris roared, flecks of spittle spraying from his mouth. He then took a deep breath.

"Okay, I'm done. Just had to get that off my chest. Which, by the way, is far broader and manlier than Don's is. Yeah, I know it doesn't look that way. But I swear to God he wears a corset under there. Anyways, getting back on topic...

"The Ridonculous Race loved to brag about all the exciting places it took its contestants: Paris, Australia, Africa, New York, for example. Hmm… wait a minute… those places sound familiar. Almost like we did the exact same thing five years before them! But I digress. We knew we wanted to up the ante for the location of our season. Take it to the next level, y'know? So we did. Show 'em!"

Chris walked down the beach as the camera panned out, revealing a familiar landscape of rolling green hills and forests, accented by a stiff gray cliffs and sandy beaches.

"…Yes, we're back at Pahkitew Island. And I know what you must be thinking. 'Chris, how is that any different?' Well… it's not. See? You thought we were gonna be somewhere new. Then I flipped the script on you. That's because Total Drama is full of surprises. You never know what will happen next. And this season will be filled with even more twists and turns than ever before! So let's get right into it.

"We've brought back 18 contestants, all from seasons past. They're an eclectic mix of franchise icons, under-the-radar fan favorites, and controversial figureheads. The perfect recipe to keep us from getting cancelle—uh, bring you, the viewers, wholesome entertainment. The only thing these contestants have in common is that they fit into one of three groups."

Chef Hatchet, looking especially gloomy, rolled in a flat-screen TV. Displayed on the screen were three circular team tokens: one with a green symbol in the shape of a brain, one with a yellow symbol in a weird, lumpy 'L' shape, and one with a pink symbol in the shape of Chris's face. Chris beckoned to the screen, grinning.

"Brains, brawn, and beauty. Those are our three teams this season. Each team will consist of the 6 former players that best exemplify that specific trait. Now, what do these words mean? If you're asking that question, you might not belong on the 'Brains' team." Chris pointed to the green brain symbol.

"The 6 players on Brains have shown supreme intellect both in their daily lives and during their time in the game. They are cunning, witty, ruthless, and know how to solve any problem. They can think outside of the box, but also know how to thrive under the governance of the game's rules. Their intelligence is truly their greatest asset, both on and off the island," Chris explained. Chef immediately frowned and raised his hand.

"Wait, man, now that can't be right," Chef said. "We can't have a "brains" team. All those campers are dumb as **************!"

"Chef, just because you didn't get put on the Brains, doesn't mean you need to be salty about it," Chris said, wagging a finger at the cook. "Besides, we most certainly have had smart people on our seasons. I would know, as I myself am, in fact, smart. Smart people can tell who the other smart people are. It's like echologication, or something. Is that the right word?"

"Chris, you may be the dumbest f**k there is," Chef laughed. Chris crossed his arms and stuck out his lip.

"You're one to talk, Hatchet. At least I got my high school diploma!" he spat.

"You mean that 'diploma' you drew for yourself with crayon, and then used as a handkerchief as you sobbed and watched School House Rock for the next 14 hours?" Chef responded, rolling his eyes.

"We swore never to bring that up!" Chris gasped.

"Well, I did. Sad, man. Had to write yourself your own diploma just to feel like man," chuckled Chef.

"Well, you probably don't even know how to write!"

"Neither do you, apparently, given that you still haven't written my paycheck!"

"Well, you haven't written my paycheck."

"That's 'cause you write your own damn paycheck!" Chef yelled.

"True that. And you know why that's the case? It's because I made it further in life than you did. Because I'm smarter," Chris declared. "Checkmate."

"Just keep telling yourself that."

"I will. I'm smarter than Chef. I'm smarter than Chef. I'm smarter than Chef. I'm smarter than—"

"Boy, don't make me come over there and deliver a paycheck to your ASS!"

"Why do all your 'violent' threats always sound so homoerotic?"

"Oh HELL no—"

Suddenly, the sound of beating helicopter blades filled the air. A shadow had appeared in the sky, and was now beginning its decent. As it got closer, it revealed itself to be a massive green helicopter, glinting in the sunlight. The helicopter touched down on the beach, whipping the sand up around it and forcing Chef and Chris to cover their eyes. Slowly, the propeller came to a stop, and the helicopter came to a rest. Chris beamed at the camera.

"It appears the Brains have arrived!" he declared. "Sequestered from one another within that helicopter are six of the smartest individuals to play the game."

Suddenly, the door to the helicopter slammed open, and the passengers began to step out.

"NO!" Chris screamed, his voice cracking. "Get back in there! I have to introduce you one-by-one! You KNOW that!"

A familiar voice responded.

"Actually, Chris, according to my calculations, now that you've spent the first 42 percent of the episode ranting about Don and arguing with Chef, you'll only barely have the room to give a singular introduction to each contestant before you run out of airtime. An episode so uneventful is unlikely to retain many viewers. Given the current downward logarithmic trend of the ratings of your show in comparison to the far more compelling program The Ridonculous Race, it is in your best economic interest to introduce each group at once. Just mathematically speaking."

Chris sighed. "I can already tell this team is going to be precious. Just everyone get back in there and don't come out until you get the signal! Except for you, Harold. You already spoke, so let's get you over with."

The nerdy, ginger-haired 18-year-old stepped out of the helicopter, lugging his keyboard.

"Gosh, I'm just looking out for the show's best interests, Chris. You know I'm as big a Total Drama fan as anyone." Chris half-heartedly gestured in his direction.

"Harold, ladies and gentlemen. Back for his fourth go at the million. Someone I'm sure we all wanted to see back."

Harold smiled and bowed at the camera, before walking up to Chris and extending his arms outward. Chris stared at him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to hug you."

"No. You're not doing that. You're going far away from me right now before I kick you in your Captain Kirks."

"Aw, c'mon. It's been so long since we last saw each other, Chris!" Harold protested.

"Not long enough. I didn't even want you back. You seriously creep me out. You're only back because the producers needed someone to appeal to the socially inept portion of our audience," said Chris.

"A burden I am proud to bear," Harold proudly declared. "I do not intend to let them down. Because for this season, I've mastered my skills. I am the guaranteed winner!"

"I'm sure that's a quote that will be replayed multiple times at the first Aftermath show to great comedic effect," Chris said. "Now please move along."

"So that's a 'no' on the hug?"

"MOVE IT!"

Harold sheepishly picked up his keyboard and moved off to the side.

"Now then," Chris returned to addressing the audience. "Our next member of the Brains- Harold, you're breathing way too loud. Go farther away. Thank you. Anyways, she is a fiery, independent woman, a former counselor in training who showed time and time again to have the mental fortitude to last long into this game." He paused. "Well, except in that one episode. Let's welcome back Courtney!"

Courtney stormed out of the helicopter and up to Chris. She jammed a finger into the host's chest.

"We don't talk about that episode. Ever," she growled. Chris held his hands up in self-defense.

"Sorry! I know it's a touchy subject with you. But just to clue in the viewers who are dying to know, how are things with Scott?"

"None of their business."

"C'mon, Courtney! Give us something. Scourtney swept the nation like an epidemic during All Stars! I guess a more direct question would be, how many redneck children have you birthed him thus far?"

"None, you disgusting moron!" Courtney stammered, blushing slightly. "Look, Scott is not a part of my life. In fact, he never was a part of my life. After all, I don't even consider All-Stars canon."

"That's not how it works."

"I know," Courtney sighed. "But we can still move on, right? This is a new season. A new year. A new Courtney."

"I can respect that," Chris said, smiling. "Look, I really don't want us to get off on the wrong foot, what with the new season and all. What I said was in poor taste, and I apologize. So how can I make it up to you?" He paused, and then smirked. "I know! Do you like ice cream? How about I make you a sundae?"

Courtney snarled and clenched her fist. Chris jumped back in fear.

"Sorry! Last season 5 joke, I swear."

"It better be," Courtney growled, before grabbing her suitcase and walking down the beach. She paused in front of Harold, as the nerd waved at her, before shaking her head in disgust and continuing onward, standing ten yards away.

Chris smiled at the camera once more.

"Let's continue. Our next contestant is a traitorous, two-faced piece of scum, the epitome of societal decay. He is such a shallow, basic famewhore that he decided to jump ship and appear on another show, just for a few more minutes of camera time, like a heroin addict. Then he had to get down on his hands and knees and beg and grovel like a filthy sewer rat just for me to let him back on the show. And I only did it because I know he will get voted out quickly in humiliating fashion. Everyone's favorite lovable bookworm, Noah!"

Noah stepped out of the helicopter and down onto the beach, holding a suitcase.

"Thanks for the unbiased introduction, Chris," he said.

"I do my best," Chris responded, eyeing Noah with disgust. "So… how was your… vacation?"

"Superb."

"I have a question, Noah. Do you understand the word 'loyalty'? Or is that a foreign concept to you?"

"Chris."

"Don't you 'Chris' me! Traitor! TRAITOR!" Chris screamed.

"Chris, I appeared on another TV show. I didn't murder your firstborn child," Noah said.

"Total Drama is my firstborn child!"

"Well, that's weird."

"What did Don say about me?! WHAT DID HE SAY?!"

"Nothing."

"Liar! You lie like a dog!"

"Dude, just calm down. Ridonculous Race is in the past. I'm back on your show, like you wanted. Isn't that all that matters?"

Chris breathed a long, deep sigh. "I guess. As long as you've learned your lesson, and now realize how much better of an experience Total Drama is."

"But then I'd be lying."

Chris's eyes widened. "Why you… you take that back! What did Don's show do for you that mine didn't?"

"Well, it got me a girlfriend, for one."

"So?! The girl is temporary. My show gave you the core values that will last you your entire life! It taught you the importance of hard work, perseverance, and strength of character!"

Noah laughed. "No. Total Drama taught me that none of those things matter when your entire fate is dictated by a forty-year old manchild with a God complex."

Chris raised his hand, ready to strike. "How dare you defile me and the show in such a manner!? Don't assume I won't hesitate to eliminate you myself!"

"Sort of proving my point here, Chris."

Chris narrowed his eyes at Noah.

"Fine. Keep making those hurtful, untrue claims," the host said. "But just remember, here you won't have Owen to literally carry you through the competition. So when you inevitably collapse from exhaustion five minutes into the first challenge, don't come crying to me."

"Cool. Sounds like a plan."

Noah picked up his bag and began making his way down the beach. Chris cupped his hand to his mouth and called after him.

"Also, just so you know, you're not on the Brains because you're smart! It's only because you fit into the other categories even less!"

Noah didn't respond. He glanced at Harold and Courtney, the former of whom nodded respectfully to him, while the ladder ignored him. His eyes moved back and forth between them, as he tried to decide which person he would rather stand closer to. Finally, he came to a compromise, and walked past both of them, standing another ten yards further down the beach.

"It's so nice to see that team unity already forming," Chris chuckled. He turned back to the camera. "Three Brains revealed, and three more to go! The next team member is among the most iconic characters on all of TV and perhaps the face of the Total Drama franchise, aside from yours truly."

"Oh, I didn't know Sadie was back for another season," Noah chipped in.

"Ha ha ha." Chris rolled his eyes. "First sarcastic quip of the season, and Noah's already killing it. No, the contestant is not Sadie. Unfortunately, Sadie will not be joining us this season. And for the record, it's not because she's fat. I am not fatphobic. It's not like I'm afraid of fat people or something. I just don't want them coming near my house."

"That's pretty fatphobic, Chris."

"I didn't ask for your input, Harold. Anyways, this character is, I daresay, the greatest strategist this game has ever seen. She's already won once—well, at least I think she won? Alejandro was technically the winner because he won in Canada, but that was already after she won in America, so… that sh** is hella confusing. Anyways- it's Heather!" Chris proclaimed.

As Heather stepped out of the helicopter, the host continued his monologue.

"Heather was Total Drama's very first villain. She knows what she wants and exactly how to get it. Her strategic smarts have proven effective, eliminating a record amount of contestants. She competes with her sights solely on the prize money and not on making friends, using others at her advantage and only being kind when she may ultimately be benefited. But how will she cope when faced with contestants of similar mental stature?"

Heather laughed as she came to a stop in front of the other contestants.

"Harold? Courtney? Did you seriously just say that they're of the same mental stature as me?" she asked incredulously. Courtney crossed her arms.

"Just to remind me, how did you get eliminated last season, again?" she asked, smiling.

"I wasn't on Pahkitew Island, stupid," Heather quickly responded, turning away.

"You know which season I'm talking about," Courtney said, her smile turning to a smirk. "I'll remind you. You found something that would guarantee your safety in the game, and then proceeded to put it back under a rock. What was the strategy behind that move?"

Heather paused for a moment, before speaking again.

"Well, you put your tongue inside of Scott's mouth."

"How is that a retort?!" Courtney yelled.

"I'm just reminding you. You actually did that. No matter what I do, that will always put me above you," Heather said, smiling back. Courtney clenched her teeth.

"That's all in the past! Scott and I are done. Can't say the same for you, though. You keep coming back to Alejandro like an abused housewife!"

"You're just bitter because Alejandro wasn't interested in your thirsty ass."

Courtney glared at her. "Why are you even back?"

"I enjoy winning."

"No, I mean, like, who invited you back?"

"The producers of the show. You wouldn't believe what they're paying me for each episode," Heather said. Courtney looked at Chris, who turned away, whistling. Heather smirked. "So, who's gonna be Courtney's new hookup this season? Given that Scott certainly won't be on any of these three teams. How about Noah?"

Noah held up his hand. "Sorry, but I'm taken."

"Hasn't stopped Courtney before," Heather chuckled. Courtney turned to Chris.

"Chris, can we just vote Heather off right now?" she asked.

"Hahaha… good one," Chris laughed. "No. This is called Total Drama for a reason. And like it or not, Heather brings the drama. It's why we keep bringing her back." He pointed to Noah. "Do you think we want that guy as the centerpiece for the season? No. I don't think so. He's nothing but a prop for the real stars."

"Fine by me," Noah said, focused on his book. "Let them have at it."

"Pitiful," Chris muttered to himself, shaking his head in disgust. He turned back to Heather. "All right, move along. We don't have all day."

Heather reached for her suitcase, but Harold sprinted over and picked it up for her.

"I've got it. I had a feeling you'd have a suitcase that would need to be carried. Luckily, I've been practicing carrying suitcases all summer. I'm like, a suitcase-carrying god," he said. Heather smiled warmly back at him.

"Thank you, Harold. Such a gentleman!"

Harold blushed.

"No problem! We're teammates, after all."

As the two made their way down the beach, Heather turned and winked at Courtney. The C.I.T. swallowed deeply, trying to control her anger.

Confession Cam

Courtney: Without a doubt, Heather wants me gone first. I'm her biggest threat. If I'm gone, she'll have complete control of the Brains. She's already swinging people to her side. I have to stop her. Whatever it ta—(Chris suddenly sticks his head in.)

Chris: Hey! Did I say you could use this yet?

Courtney: But I really had something I needed to—

Chris: NO! Get out of here!

Courtney: Ugh… fine. But I'll be back.

End of Confessionals

"The fifth brain has played twice before, winning once, and was a contestant on Total Drama All-Stars, where he spent time on the Villainous Vultures."

This caught everyone's attention, Heather in particular. Chris continued his spiel.

"He's dark… intelligent… charming... handsome…"

Heather's eyes lit up at these words.

"He likes to dress in red…"

A smile began to creep across Heather's face.

"I think Heather knows who I'm talking about," Chris laughed. "Say it with me, Heather!"

The two yelled out in unison.

"Alejan—

"CAMERON!"

"Huh?!" Heather exclaimed.

With a grin, Chris beckoned towards the helicopter door, where the bubble-boy had appeared, waving sheepishly at everyone. Heather groaned.

"Ugh… damn you, Chris."

Chris turned toward her, an innocent look on his face.

"Wait… who were you thinking of?" he asked.

"Certainly not that thing," Heather muttered.

"Well, that thing is here, and its name is Cameron," Chris said, "And you will show him some goddamn respect. Sure, maybe you weren't expecting him. And yes, he may be short. But he is a human being! A living, breathing life form! He is not an object. He is not a 'thing'. If anything, he is an inspiration!"

Harold nodded with approval.

"Quite true," the geek concurred. "Cameron is a beacon of hope for every nerd out there. He finally proved that we could, in fact, beat the bully. I still remember that night of the finale of Total Drama: Revenge of the Island. I watched as Cameron crushed Lightning in epic fashion, and pretended I was him. For a brief moment, I was able to escape my own inability to defeat my foes. He gave me a joyous respite from the painful horrors of the real world, and for that, I will always be grateful. I am personally thrilled to have him on my team."

"Wow, Harold! Thanks!" Cameron exclaimed as he approached. "I was a big fan of yours, too! You were awesome!"

Harold's face lit up at this, and his eyes filled with tears.

"That brings me great joy, Cameron. I cannot wait to see what the future brings, with you as my team member."

"Yeah! I feel the exact same way!"

Heather rolled her eyes.

"Can you two please go somewhere private? I'm really not here to listen to two nerds verbally make out with each other," she said. The queen bee then turned to Chris. "Okay, Chris. Cameron's here. Next person."

Courtney suddenly pushed past Heather and placed a friendly hand on Cameron's shoulder.

"Don't worry about her, Cameron. Most of us are thrilled to see you. Including me. You're awesome, Cameron."

"Wow, Courtney! Thanks!" Cameron laughed. "I'm glad to see you too!"

Heather looked as if she were about to vomit.

Confession Cam

Heather: So, it seems Courtney has caught on to my plan to gain the numbers right off the bat. Now the bitch is trying to do the same thing. And already, she has the edge with Cameron. *sigh*… Maybe I should've been a bit more welcoming. But I'm sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to stoop to that level. I have standards! I'm not about to—(Chris sticks his head in.)

Chris: Damn it! Do I need to lock this thing already? Get out!

Heather: No way. If I want to confess, I will!

Chris: CHEF!

Heather: Okay, okay! I'm getting out. Just don't bring Chef over. Please.

End of Confessionals

"One more Brain left to reveal! Any guesses? Noah? Who do you think it is, based on the makeup of your team thus far?" Chris asked the know-it-all. Noah shrugged, barely glancing up from his book.

"Well, given that your first five picks have had no rhyme or reason to them and half of the people barely fit the category, I really have no way of knowing. My money's still on Sadie."

"My God, I hate you," Chris sighed. "No, once again, it is not Sadie." A faint smile appeared on the host's face. "I think I'll just let her reveal herself, and you people can react accordingly." He turned towards the helicopter and cupped his hands to his mouth. "Come on out!"

A tall shadow appeared in the doorway, looming quietly. The person slowly stepped out into the sunlight, revealing long red hair, tied neatly into a bun. Large shaded glasses rested on the brim of a pointy nose, and the person wore a neatly matted yellow sweater and turquoise skirt. She began walking towards them.

The other campers' eyes slowly widened as they realized who it was.

"No way…" Courtney gasped. "They brought her back?"

"Are you insane?!" Heather whispered to Chris.

"This is not good… not good at all…" Cameron murmured.

Noah looked up from his book, and then glanced over at the contestant and back at his terrified teammates.

"Um, I'm sorry, but are we supposed to know who that person is?" he asked.

Courtney turned to him in surprise.

"Yes! Haven't you seen Pahkitew Island?" she whispered.

Noah shook his head. "No. I don't watch this show. It's trash."

"Just keep digging that hole deeper, won't you?" Chris growled.

The new contestant finally came to a stop in front of the five others. She turned to face them.

"Hello, everyone. My name is Scarlett. It's very nice to meet you all."

The rest of the Brains could only stare at her, speechless. Except for Noah, who shrugged and extended a hand.

"Cool. I'm Noah. So, are you like, Harold's cousin, or something?"

Scarlett laughed and shook his hand. "No. Harold and I do not share the same familiar origins. We both just happened to inherit the recessive genes of red hair and a love for learning."

"All right," Noah chuckled. He turned back to his teammates. "I don't know, guys. She seems all right to me. Just your typical nerd."

"Yeah," Heather hissed. "Just your typical nerd who tried to kill everyone on her season!" The raven-haired girl glared at Chris. "You didn't answer my question! Why is she here?"

"Why not?" Chris asked.

"I just told you! She's a murderous sociopath!"

"So? That's never stopped the casting department before."

Courtney gritted her teeth in anger.

"This is completely unacceptable, Chris. Scarlett has a proven history of mental illness, and yet you still brought her back! You are putting everyone's lives in immediate danger, including her own! That is inexcusable negligence on your part. If you don't take her away right now, you'll be speaking to my lawyer!"

"And there we go. I was waiting for you to mention your lawyer, who I'm 96 percent certain doesn't even exist," Chris chuckled. "Look, all jokes aside, Scarlett has gone through a lot of therapy since Pahkitew. And I'm telling you, she's fine now. She passed the psych test with flying colors, and she hasn't daydreamed about killing anyone in months. Isn't that right, Scarlett?"

Scarlett slowly nodded.

"It's true," she said. "Look, I know my past is… ugly. But I've changed. I don't want to take over the world and enslave mankind anymore. I have no desire to cause pain to those who defy me. And my hair no longer turns into a giant crazy mullet when I untie it."

"Oh yeah, that thing was hideous," Courtney said in disgust.

"It was… not my best look," Scarlett concurred. "I know I cannot change the past. But I can only hope that this season, I can prove myself worthy of your forgiveness."

Cameron tapped his chin, puzzling it over.

"If what you're saying is true, then I'm confused," he said, frowning. "I'm fairly certain the only reason you were cast in the first place is because you were crazy. Why would they bring you back if you were just a normal girl now?"

"Because," Chris said, "at the end of the day, she has the highest IQ of any contestant ever on the show. I would know, as I myself have a very high IQ. And objectively speaking, that means she should be our first pick for the Brains team."

Courtney thought for a long time, before finally relenting.

"...Fine. She can stay. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that she has a very uphill battle towards gaining our trust."

"Not mine," Heather broke in. "I trust her." She smiled at Scarlett and extended her hand. "Welcome to the team, Scarlett."

"Thank you, Heather," Scarlett said, shaking it.

"No problem. I love your skirt, by the way! It's so… long!"

"Thanks."

"And just so you know, I think you totally rocked that mullet back in Pahkitew. If you ever want to bring it back, feel free."

Scarlett nodded. "Thank you, Heather. I appreciate the kind words, even if they are a barely-concealed, shallow attempt to garner my trust."

Heather stopped smiling. Courtney, meanwhile, could barely contain her laughter.

Confession Cam

Courtney: Maybe this Scarlett girl isn't so bad after all. (Chris sticks his head in.)

Chris: DO YOU JUST WANT TO LIVE IN HERE?! BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS!

End of Confessionals

"So, we have our six members of the Brains," Chris declared, beckoning to his right. "Courtney, Heather, Cameron, Harold, Scarlett, and… yes, technically Noah. The nerds of this season." He grinned. "But what would a nerd be without a bully or two?"

"A more confident person?"

"No. That's stupid, Harold. Bullies are great, and a necessary part of life. They teach the weak to fend for themselves, to strive to become stronger, to fight to prove them wrong, and when all else fails, to lie awake at night plotting their demise, picturing that fateful moment when you destroy them, wrapping your hands around their throat, watching the life drain out of Don's eyes as he—" Chris quickly cut himself off, noticing everyone staring at him. "Um, anyways, it's time to introduce the Brawns!"

"Are we sure Chris passed the psych test before this season?" Courtney asked nervously.

"Yes, Courtney, I did," responded Chris. "And it's not like I barely passed or anything, either. No, I got a D plus. My mom put it up on her fridge and everything! So there!" He stuck his tongue out at her. "Now, returning to the matter at hand…"

He pressed a button on his remote, and the yellow Brawn token reappeared onscreen, displaying the same lumpy L shape from before. Chris beckoned to the screen.

"The Brawns are defined by their—"

"Okay, what the hell is that logo supposed to be?" Heather asked.

"What? It's a bicep! What else does it look like?"

"I have no idea. But it's awful looking. You should fire your art department."

"I'm the art department! C'mon! It's obviously a bicep! How can you not see it?" Chris exclaimed.

"Well, whose bicep is it supposed to be?"

"My bicep, obviously!"

"Okay, well that makes more sense now."

"Oh, hell no—"

"Chris, can you please not get distracted?" Scarlett asked.

"She started it," Chris muttered, holding his upper arm. "As I was saying, the Brawns are defined by their strength. For some, that simply means physical strength. For others, that refers to their aggressive style of gameplay. And for a few, it refers more to their inner strength: their honesty, their courage, and their leadership."

"Sounds exactly like Sadie."

"Will you SHUT UP about Sadie?!" Chris yelled at Noah. Suddenly, the sound of a loud engine roared through the air, and everyone turned to the source of the noise. There, rising over the horizon, was a large yellow truck, driving towards them. "And here comes the first of the Brawns!"

Courtney raised an eyebrow. "Wait. They each got their own truck?"

"Well, we didn't exactly want them all to be dead before they even got here."

"What do you mean by th… oh," Courtney trailed off as she recognized the figure standing at the helm of the truck, black ponytail billowing in the wind.

The truck finally reached the beach and ground to a halt, kicking up sand. The figure jumped down from the front, shaking the ground. She grabbed her bag, her muscles rippling under her sleeveless navy shirt. Everyone held their breath as she slowly turned her head towards the others. Then, suddenly, she jumped all the way around, her legs spread wide and her eyes bloodshot.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?! HUH?!"

Everyone flinched, backing away from her.

"N-nothing, Eva!" Courtney stuttered.

"Y-yeah! We're just… surprised to see you!" Cameron squeaked.

"WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED TO SEE ME?! BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK I DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE?! HUH?!" Eva screamed, storming towards Cameron.

"N-no!" Cameron squealed. "You deserve it more than anyone!"

"AND WHY IS THAT?! BECAUSE YOU PITY ME?!"

"No! It's just, you haven't been back since the first season, and, I mean, you're such a big character, so you—

"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!" Eva roared, now just inches away from Cameron's face. The nerd began shrinking towards the ground, trembling.

"No! You look great! You're a beautiful woman!" he cried.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW I DON'T IDENTIFY AS A MAN?!"

"Oh, I didn't know! I'm sorry!"

"ARE YOU SAYING I LOOK LIKE A MAN?!"

"No? Yes? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME HERE!" Cameron sobbed, now curled up in a ball.

Chris slowly walked up behind Eva and placed a hand on her shoulder. The workout buff swiveled around to face him.

"WHAT?!"

Chris flinched, before smiling at her.

"Listen, Eva… I love the energy you're bringing right out the gate, it's some great TV. But you're kind of at a 10 right now, I need you to take it down to about a 6. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"SCREW YOU, HOST!"

"Fine then," Chris sighed, and whipped out a tranq gun. Before she had time to react, he fired it into her leg. Eva's eyes slowly rolled back into her head, and she dropped to the ground, unconscious. Cameron opened his eyes, saw the collapsed bodybuilder, and wiped the sweat from his brow. He stood up.

"What did I do to make her so angry?"

Chris shrugged. "Eva's just had a long day."

"It's 10 in the morning!" Heather exclaimed, "And you're telling me SHE passed the psyche test?"

"No, she didn't. But physically, Eva's the strongest contestant that's ever been on this show, so we had to bring her back," Chris explained. He then held up the tranq gun. "But I've got lots of ammunition for this thing, so you all should be fine. That being said, if you ever encounter her and I'm not around, just treat the situation like you would if you encountered a bear. Make yourself look big. Maybe throw a rock at her, if there's one nearby. But don't try to run away, whatever you do."

Courtney scowled. "That's so not—" However, she was cut off as another truck came roaring over the horizon. Chris turned and grinned at the camera.

"Our next member of the Brawns has played twice before, but has never won. She's known for her competitive spirit, take-no-prisoners attitude, and extremely suspect fashion sense. Jo, everyone!"

Heather and Courtney audibly groaned, while Cameron hid behind Harold, who patted him tenderly on the back.

The truck screeched to a halt in front of the host, and Jo lunged out, wearing her gray tracksuit and clutching a large duffel bag. She hit the ground with a thud, and raised her arms in a cheer.

"Woo! I'm back, baby! Third time's the charm!" she yelled to no one in particular. Chris beamed at her.

"Jo! Welcome back to the show."

"Great to be back, Mclean," Jo responded, beaming back. "I know last time was pretty disappointing. But this season's gonna be very, very different. I'm ramping it up a notch this time around. Nobody's ready for what I'm about to bring!"

Heather rolled her eyes. "Um, I'm pretty sure we all know what you're about to bring. And nobody wants anything to do with it. We want a receipt."

Jo turned to her, smirking. "Good to see you too, Heather. You know, we haven't really spoken since you orchestrated my blindside."

"Why in the world would we?" Heather asked.

"Something my coach has always told me is that communication is the key to success," Jo said, pounding her fist into her hand. "So I just wanted to have an honest conversation with you. I wanted you to know that I'm not bitter in any way about what happened. If anything, I should thank you for what you did. You got me out of there before my character could be derailed like the rest of yours. Or even worse, irreversibly destroyed." She winked at Courtney, who scowled back at her.

"What 'character' was there to derail?" the C.I.T. asked. "You like sports and you're probably a lesbian. That's it."

"Fine with me. Sports are cool. As long as I never play tonsil hockey with an inbred ginger farmer, I'm good," Jo chuckled, and Courtney snarled back at her. The jock girl turned back to Heather. "Anyways, just wanted to clear things up. Sure, I'm going to metaphorically break you and your team's spine this season, but that has nothing to do with last year."

Heather crossed her arms and turned her head. "Yeah, no. Sorry. My team is going to be just fine." She paused, and glanced at her team. "In fact, I don't see us ever losing."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot you had Cameron, the challenge god," Jo said, rolling her eyes. "Give me a break. I have more testosterone in my left toe than all three of the men on your team combined."

"Um, is that supposed to be your idea of trash talking?" Heather asked. "You know it's not a good thing that you possess an inordinate amount of a male's hormone, right?"

Scarlett nodded. "Yeah, it's actually a medical disorder called—"

"You people know what I was trying to say!" Jo shouted. "Your team is weak. Pathetic. Ugly. And you stand no chance against us. Better to accept that fact now, and save yourself the disappointment later." Suddenly, an alarm went off in her pocket. Her eyes lit up. "Ah! Perfect timing. I have to get in my 10:15 run. You can see how a winner spends their time. See you suckers later!"

Jo started running down the beach, pumping her arms and breathing heavily.

"Wait!" Chris called after her. "What are you doing?! You can't just leave like tha….annnnd she's gone." He sighed. "Guess I can't hate on her for that. That's dedication if nothing else. Maybe I'd lose my love handles if I had that same attitude."

Suddenly, heavy metal music filled the air, signaling the next contestant's arrival. Another yellow truck roared over the horizon. This time, standing at the helm was a very familiar sight.

"Ugh. This team just gets worse and worse," Courtney groaned over the music. "Don't you people ever get sick of bringing him back?"

"C'mon, Courtney. How can you have a season of Total Drama returnees without Duncan?" Chris asked, laughing with ridicule.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "It's pretty simple. You get off his dick for once and realize his character hasn't been compelling since the second season."

Chris crossed his arms. "I think the fans would beg to differ."

"Well, I think the 'fans' are idiots."

Chris gasped. "Courtney!"

"It's true. It's time someone said it. Total Drama has one of the stupidest fanbases in all of television."

Chris looked around at the other campers, as the music continued to blast.

"Do you hear what she's saying? Are you all gonna let her badmouth our fans like that?"

"Yep," Heather nodded.

"The statistics do back it up," Scarlett said.

Chris stuttered, his eyes wide at their remarks. "B-but…"

"Hold on, you guys," Noah interrupted. "I don't think that's fair."

Chris smiled. "Finally! Someone who actually understan—"

"They're not just stupid. Most of them are also extremely weird and socially incompetent."

"What?!" Chris gasped.

"Tell me about it," Heather groaned. "Those fan conventions were the absolute worst. So glad I got banned after the first one for being 'mean'. Sorry, but I just couldn't believe that that many losers existed, let alone could fit into a sweaty conference room. In costume. I didn't even know they sold my outfit in that size!" She shuddered at the memory.

"Honestly, the only hard thing for me to say is which part of the fanbase I find the most disgusting," Courtney said.

"You do have a lot of great choices," Scarlett pointed out. "There are the Facebook casuals who, per the stereotype, want Duncan or Owen to win every season; the DeviantArt population, of whom approximately 95 percent need intensive therapy to deal with their deeply fetishized sexual attraction to cartoon characters; the Fanfiction writers who think Ezekiel of all characters should be the main star of this franchise because they relate to his inability to integrate into modern society… the list goes on."

"Speaking of DeviantArt, you guys should totally check out my—"

"NO," Courtney, Noah, and Heather all responded in unison. Harold slumped his shoulders. Chris, meanwhile, glared daggers at the Brains.

"So… this is how we're gonna start the season, huh? Hating on the very people who love you and support you? Fine. I wanted to keep things friendly. I really did. But if this is how it's gonna be, so be it. You ungrateful, smarmy nerds are in for a world of hurt this season. All 6 of you."

"What? But I didn't even say anything!" Cameron cried.

"I saw you nod in agreement every so often. And that's more than enough to make you dead to me," Chris hissed. Then he smiled. "I have a new goal: to expose and humiliate each and every one of you." He laughed. "I can't wait for the whole world to see that, at your core, you're all just as stupid as the rest of us. It will be such sweet, sweet justice."

"Your fly is down."

Chris looked from Heather's pointed finger to his crotch, and then hastily zipped up his pants, cursing under his breath. He suddenly heard a snicker from behind him, and swiveled around. There, sitting against a nearby tree, was Duncan. Chris raised an eyebrow.

"How long have you been here?"

"About five minutes," Duncan said, flipping his pocketknife in his hand. "Enjoying the free entertainment." Noticing Chris's scowl, he frowned. "What?"

Chris crossed his arms. "You know, you could've at least backed me up. Why'd you leave me to defend the fans all by myself? After all I've done for you?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Courtney asked suspiciously. Chris glanced at her.

"Uh… nothing! Nothing at all. I have no idea why I said that," Chris stammered. He then turned back to the camera. "So, as you all can see, Duncan is here! That's right, you heard me. Duncan. The wait is OVER! Don't change the channel now, because it's Duncan! Your favorite character, Duncan! DUNCAN! Did I mention Duncan? In case you all don't remember, Duncan is the one with the Mohawk and he is your favorite character."

"There you go, Chris!" Noah called out to him, giving the host a thumbs-up. "Way to talk to your fans like they aren't idiots!"

Chris's eyelid twitched as he continued to address the camera, smiling. "When we first were outlining the season, I instantly knew Duncan was a perfect fit for the Brawns team. I even said it to Chef. I turned to Chef and I said, 'You know, Chef, Duncan is a perfect fit for the Brawns team.' And now here he is."

"Riveting," Heather said, rolling her eyes. Chris nodded.

"I know. But don't give me too much credit. Really, it's an obvious choice when you think about it. Duncan has years of experience as a hardened convict," the host explained, before proudly beckoning to himself. "It's actually one of the many things he and I have in common. I got thrown in the ol' slammer for a while before All-Stars. I was running the place by lunchtime. Duncan and I, we're men who know what it's like to survive behind bars. Nay, thrive behind bars."

Chef shook his head. "Now that's just some bullsh**, man. You were in prison for about two hours before you lost your damn mind. I had to carry yo' ass outta there like a baby. Prison guards told me you tried to kill yo'self fourteen times prior to that."

Chris crossed his arms. "Well, some of us don't feel as at home in jail as you do, Chef!"

"I've never been to jail," Chef said.

"Good one," Chris laughed.

"I'm serious," Chef said. Chris laughed again.

"C'mon, Chef. Don't be ridiculous. Of course you've been to prison."

"No, Chris, I haven't," Chef repeated. Chris glanced at the cook, and stopped smiling.

"Wait... really?"

"Yes, Chris."

"Wow, that's… that's really surprising."

"And why is that?" Chef asked, narrowing his eyes at the host.

"Well, I mean—I just sorta assumed…" Chris trailed off as he realized everyone was looking at him now. "I mean, like, statistically speaking…" He swallowed deeply as everyone continued to stare. "Uh… no, you don't… you people are getting my words all tangled up! I just kind of thought, you know… what with Chef's background, and—"

"You mean, 'cause I'm black?" Chef asked.

"No! I'm not racist!" Chris frantically shouted. Then he squinted his eyes at Chef. "In fact, I'm so not racist, I didn't even know you were black until now."

"You have gotta be kidding me," Chef groaned.

"It's true!" Chris exclaimed. "How was I supposed to have known? It's not like you ever told me, or anything."

Chef sighed. "Chris—"

"No! I'm not forgiving you! Why would you keep it secret from me? Your best friend?" He turned away from Chef and crossed his arms. "I guess our friendship means nothing."

Chef stared at the host in disbelief. Then he shook his head, grumbling to himself.

"I'm getting too old for this sh**," he muttered as he walked away. "Shoulda kept the job at Best Buy. But noooo. You just had to have ambition."

Chris watched him leave, before shrugging. "Don't know what his deal was." He turned back to the campers. "Anyways, I'll admit, I might have been more of a 'shankee' than a 'shanker' during my time in prison. But it still made me a stronger man. And the same goes for Duncan. He's never been more of a man." He beckoned to the delinquent, who was now busy carving a skull into the side of the tree. "Just look at those firm biceps pumping away as he defiles natural beauty. Look at that sweat glistening on his rugged unibrow. Look at the skull on his shirt. You can feel the masculinity radiating off of him. It's downright palpable. I can't get enough of it." Duncan glanced at Chris, looking uncomfortable.

"Wait… speaking of which, how exactly is Duncan allowed to be here?" Scarlett asked, frowning. "He was arrested for blowing up your resort, and you vowed he'd be locked away for a long, long time. I'm surprised you're now an avid fan of his again."

"Yeah," Courtney said, narrowing her eyes at Chris. "That could use an explanation, don't you think?"

"I have no idea what you two ladies are talking about," Chris said, averting his gaze. "That must've just been some weird, unrealistic Fanfiction you read."

"No, that was just Total Drama All-Stars. Essentially the same thing," Courtney said. "And I was there, so don't play dumb. I just so happened to research the judicial guidelines for criminal property damage in this country. Duncan should be serving a ten-year sentence right now. And yet here he is. Please explain."

"Ohhh. That. Forgot about that," Chris chuckled, forcing a shrug. "Uh, yeah… so… pretty much what happened is…" Suddenly, another truck pulled up. "And the next Brawn has arrived!"

"No!" Courtney snarled. "You're not changing the topic!" Chris waved his hand at her.

"We'll discuss it all later. Just know that I, Chris Mclean, did absolutely nothing illegal," he declared. Duncan burst out laughing. Chris turned and glared at him, and he quickly stopped.

Meanwhile, the next contestant had stepped down from the truck and saluted the host.

"SERGEANT BRICK MACARTHUR, REPORTING FOR DUTY!"

Chris beamed.

Confession Cam

Chris: Brick was an absolute no-brainer. Middle America is a key demographic, and we got killed in that area last season. They don't take kindly to the likes of Leonard and Max, as it turns out. We have to do better this time around. And the easiest way to appeal to them? Bring in a wholesome, family-friendly figure with a military background. Ratings gold. I know Brick won't let me down.

End of Confessionals

Chris smiled and shook Brick's hand. "It's great to see you, Brick. You are a very wholesome guy, you know that? Not to mention family-friendly. You also have a military background." He winked at the camera as he said this.

"Wow! Thank you for the warm words, sir!" Brick exclaimed, beaming. "I'm grateful for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!"

Chris grinned and turned to the other campers. "See? That's how you address your superiors." He turned back. "So, Brick, what are your plans for this season, aside from setting a fine example for our conservative youth?"

"The goal is to win, sir! That, and to make my parents proud!" Brick shouted.

Chris nodded. "Ah, yes. I imagine you and your family are pretty close, huh? Given your traditional values."

"Not exactly, sir! Actually, my parents disowned me, sir!" Brick shouted. Chris' eyebrows shot up.

"Huh? What'd you… what'd you just say?"

"My parents disowned me, sir!" Brick yelled again, still saluting.

"Um… I see. I was not aware."

"Well… actually just my dad, sir," Brick clarified. "Given that he won full custody after the divorce."

"D-divorce?" Chris stuttered.

"Yeah. I thought I told you about this."

"No. You didn't. Would've been a little nice to know beforehand, if you catch my drift," Chris spoke through gritted teeth. "I'm assuming the divorce was because they both wanted full credit for raising such a nice, responsible, conservative young man, right?"

"Actually, sir, my mom was a heroin addict."

Chris sighed. "Of course she was. And why did your father disown you, may I ask?"

"As some may remember, I said I wanted to go fashion school at the end of season 4, sir," Brick said. "My father thought I was homosexual, sir. Kicked me right out of the house. Though I personally have a sneaking suspicion that he's a closeted homosexual himself, sir, given his Internet search history."

"That's… I…" Chris was at a loss for words. "And… what about you? Are you… actually… y'know…?"

"Haha! No, sir!" Brick laughed, and the host looked a bit relieved. Brick paused. "But… all things considered, I have done the research, and science does show that sexuality's a spectrum. And maybe one day I'll meet a guy who completely changes my—"

Chris shoved Brick offscreen. "All right, that's enough of Brick." He shook his head, muttering to himself. "Damn it…"

Brick got up off the ground, shaken.

"Was it something I said?" he murmured, frowning. Shrugging, he walked over to the tree where Duncan was sitting and leaned against it, not noticing the delinquent. Duncan nodded at him.

"Hey, man," he said. "Pretty sure I met your mom in prison."

Brick glanced down at him, and his eyes widened. He was silent for a moment. Then he screamed in a high-pitched voice and fainted, collapsing on the ground next to Eva's body. Duncan stared confusedly at the unconscious cadet.

Noah chuckled. "Never would've pegged him as a Duncan fangirl."

Chris threw his hands up. "Okay, whose idea was it to bring this guy back?" he groaned. He paused. "Oh wait."

The next truck pulled up. The contestant wasn't sitting up front, however, but rather in the truck bed in the back. Groaning, she stood up and stepped out. As she put her hands on her hips and cracked her neck, her massive form cast a towering shadow over the others.

"I'd prefer not to be shoved in the back of the truck next time around, Chris," she groaned in an Australian accent.

Chris shrugged. "You're the one who couldn't fit up front, Jasmine."

"Then maybe you should've found a bigger truck!"

"Or maybe you should've found a less freakishly large body," Chris countered.

"Yeah, because that's totally under my control."

"You didn't have to drink so much goddamn milk. You could've tried another beverage once in a while," Chris said, shrugging. Jasmine rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the other campers. Chris, meanwhile, turned to the camera. "That being said, we're glad she didn't, because at a monolithic 7 feet tall, Jasmine is a superb addition to the Brawns. However, there is so much more to this gal than just her dunking ability. Jasmine is a fearless leader, an expert survivalist, a—"

"What is she doing here?!" Jasmine suddenly exclaimed, glaring in the direction of the Brains.

"-and a very rude interrupter of the host, as it turns out. I'll have to add that to the list." Chris turned to Jasmine. "Whatever is the problem?"

"You heard me! WHAT is she DOING here?!" Jasmine repeated, gritting her teeth. Heather and Courtney both glanced at each other nervously, praying she was referring to the other.

Chris scratched his head. "You have to be more specific than that. The pronoun 'she' could mean a lot of people right now. There's Courtney, and Eva, and Heather, and Harold, and—

"No, none of them! I'm talking about her," Jasmine hissed, pointing directly at Scarlett. Heather and Courtney both heaved sighs of relief.

Chris frowned. "You've got beef with Scarlett? What for?"

"What for? Crikey, she was ready to let the island blow up and kill us all last season!"

"Oh yeah. Slipped my mind for a minute. Yeah, I can imagine things might be a little awkward between the two of you after that."

Jasmine turned back towards Scarlett, her teeth clenched. "The only thing that's going to be awkward is figuring out a way to reach down far enough so that I can wring her neck!"

"Whoa now!" Chris gasped. "That is quite a violent statement to make, Jasmine. We do not tolerate such language on Total Drama."

"So how exactly do you classify all the threats Scarlett made against us last season?!" Jasmine laughed incredulously. "The only difference is, she actually acted on them! She legitimately tried to murder us! All of our lives were within minutes of ending because of her! And you brought her back!?"

"Yes. You summed it up very nicely. Now, let's move on to—"

Jasmine sighed and shook her head. "No. We're not moving on. Look, I want the million dollars as much as the next person. But I have to draw a line somewhere. I can't be on this season if she's here too. I'm leaving."

Now it was Chris' turn to laugh.

"And how exactly do you plan to do that? Are you just gonna swim back to Australia?"

Jasmine crossed her arms, her face red. "Maybe… maybe not! I don't know! All I know is I can't be here."

Scarlett coughed, and the survivalist turned to her. "If you would allow, Jasmine, I desire to address the… culinary cattle flesh that appears to exist between the two of us. I know your current perception of me, in colloquial terms, as a "raging bitch" is adamantly ingrained, and your theory, given your evidence, holds merit. But much can change with time. And I hope that over the course of this season, I provide you sufficient counterevidence to adjust your hypothesis, and the cattle flesh can thus be macerated to a manageable pulp."

Jasmine suddenly grabbed Scarlett by the collar, leaning down so that her face was just inches from the braniac's.

"So you want to squash the beef, huh?" she growled. Scarlett slowly nodded, maintaining eye contact.

"That is… preferable," she responded. Jasmine's eyes narrowed. There was a long pause. Then she spoke.

"You know what? Fine. Against my best judgment, I'll give you one shot. One. But that's it. If I see anything shady, I'm not giving you the benefit of the doubt. Nobody's lives are gonna be at risk this season."

"Uh, are you forgetting what show we're on?" Noah asked.

"Let me rephrase. Our lives won't be any more at risk than usual," Jasmine said. She turned back to Scarlett. "But I'm serious. If I so much as see a single glint of 'evil' in your eyes, you're done. If I see you scribbling any unintelligible blueprints in the ground, you're done. If I see that the episode title inexplicably has your name in it, you're done. I'll be launching you from the cannon myself."

"Who said it's a cannon this year?" Chris broke in. He shuddered. "Ew. No. Do you really think we're that unoriginal? Come on, now."

"Well, then what is the elimination device?" Jasmine asked.

"Oh, you'll see soon enough. When it comes time," Chris smirked. "You'll all see! MUAHAHAHAHA!" He threw his hands up into the air, cackling. Lightning flashed in the sky behind him and an ominous piano chord struck the air.

Jasmine stared at the host for a moment, before slowly turning back to Scarlett.

"Yeah… and if you do something like whatever Chris did just now, you're done. But that should be a given." She suddenly cringed. "Okay, this position is really hurting my back. But just know, I'll have my eye on you. So keep it in line." She finally let go of Scarlett's collar, stood up straight, and went to go stand with the Brawns.

Cameron turned to Harold, chuckling nervously.

"Man… Jasmine is so much bigger and more intimidating in person than I expected. This season's gonna be pretty intense, huh?" Harold didn't respond. "Harold?" Harold's eyelids slowly drooped, and a goofy smile stretched across his face.

"Finally… I've found… the ultimate babe…"

Cameron stared at him in confusion. "Um, excuse me? What are you—"

"Hey! Nerds! You're supposed to be weird and introverted, not talking all the time when the host is trying to!" Chris yelled at the two. Cameron fell silent. "Thank you. Now, there's still one more Brawn to reveal. Who's it gonna be? Let's find out!"

A yellow truck roared in the distance, traveling much faster than the others. As it accelerated, its tires squealed, the engine revving violently and smoke billowing out the back. The sound broke Brick out of his stupor, who sat up, confused. Eva remained unconscious.

As everyone gazed at the approaching vehicle, they realized that the passenger seat was vacant once again. Then they noticed the rope attached to the truck bed in the back. Their eyes slowly followed it, until they came across two tightly clenched hands. Those hands belonged to a brown-haired teenager in a red jumpsuit. Attached to his feet was a shiny pair of water skis, which skirted and bounced across the uneven ground. He let go with one hand and waved at the crowd, laughing and cheering.

"Hell yeah! Now THAT'S how you make an entrance!" Chris cheered.

"What the f**k is he doing?!" Courtney cried.

Chris shrugged. "Tyler thought he would be arriving by boat like last time, so he brought his water skis. Unfortunately, he didn't get the memo that it was a truck this time around. But as it turns out, that doesn't stop Tyler."

"Who's Tyler?" asked about half of the campers.

Chris turned to them in shock. "You don't remember Tyler? Shame on you! He's OG! Total Drama's very first athlete!"

Jasmine frowned. "Yeah… the name's not ringing a bell."

"Well, it should. Tyler's a Total Drama icon. He's practically a founding father of the franchise!" Chris snapped. "Just think of all the iconic moments Tyler's had. They're endless."

"Can you name one?" Heather asked.

"Of course! There was that time he… uh… let's see… well… I know there was a yo-yo or something at one point… definitely seem to remember a yo-yo… and he's the one that got mauled by a bear, right?"

"No, that was Cody," Cameron said. "How could you not remember that?"

Chris crossed his arms. "Whatever! I'm not a nerd like you who can spend all his time on the Total Drama wiki browsing obscure trivia!"

"How'd you know to bring him back, then? Tyler's existence is probably the most obscure piece of trivia this show has," Noah pointed out.

"Can we please cut it with the Tyler bashing? Tyler deserves this second chance more than anyone. He's waited five seasons for this opportunity, and I know he won't waste it." Chris tapped his chin. "I wonder how much he's changed since TDI. It's been so long since I last saw him. He's looking healthy, thou—"

"You do know that Tyler was on Season 3, right?" Courtney broke in.

Chris stared at her in surprise. "He was? Since when?" He threw up his hands. "But what does it matter, anyway? Once again, useless trivia, people! What matters is that Tyler is here." He looked around. "Wait, where is he?" He looked back in the direction of the truck, and saw the vehicle crashed against a tree, on fire, with its wheels rolling away and the rope caught up in the branches. "Damn it! I missed the wipeout because of you people! Anyone see it? How was it?"

"It was awesome, man," Duncan snickered. "I mean, the tree was thirty yards off to the side, and he still somehow managed to smash into it."

Chris glanced around. "Where's Tyler? Is he alright?"

"He landed somewhere in there," Duncan said, pointing to the forest in the distance.

Chris nodded. "He should be fine."

Confession Cam

Chris: Yes, Tyler was a last minute addition to the cast. Lightning couldn't make it, unfortunately, because his parents have refused to let him come back on the show until he passes 2nd grade. But hey, Tyler covers a key demographic! I'm… not sure what that demographic is, but it's a demographic. I think. (He pauses.) Who was I talking about again?

End of Confessionals

"So, we've got our Brains. We've got our Brawns." Chris grinned at the camera. "Now, finally, we get to the hot people. Team Beauty will be arriving shortly!" Some grumbles arose from the contestants. Chris put his hands on his hips and turned to them. "What's with the 'tude? I'm just stating the facts. They're hot, and you guys are not."

Harold shook his head. "Gosh, that's just so wrong. I implore you to find a man with a more desirable genetic blueprint for offspring than I, Chris Mclean. I'm the full package! The ladies have to refuse to talk to me just to contain themselves!"

"OK, Harold. Anyway—"

"I'm serious! I belong on the Beauties! You couldn't find a bett—"

"Cool. We get it. Now, as I was—"

"I mean, gosh! Your insensitivity to the magnetic power of my glutes is just, gosh—!"

"Harol—"

"Look at me! You can't tell me I'm not the best looking man on this—"

"Shut up! No you aren't! You barely even resemble a human!" Chris shouted. He turned to the rest of the campers. "Is that why you're all giving me sass? You all think you should be on Team Beauty, too?"

Heather smirked. "Eh, not really. I know that I'm better looking than everyone, anyway."

"How humble of you and your butt chin to say so," Courtney grumbled. Heather swiveled around to face her.

"Ooo, what an insult. Sorry I'm not up to your high standard. Would you like me better if I put on a wife-beater and stopped showering? That more your tempo?"

"Why you little bit—"

"I'll take that as a yes," Chris chuckled. He turned back to the cameras. "Now, some of the more inquisitive viewers out there might be skeptical. You're thinking that Beauty doesn't really fit with the other two categories. After all, how can aesthetic appearance be put on the same level as intelligence and athleticism? Isn't whether one ends up with the face of a god or the face of a potato just the luck of the draw? Isn't it a problem in society that we overvalue appearances, leading to unrealistic beauty standards for women and men alike? Isn't it unfair that beautiful people can often coast through life on only their looks, never having to lift a finger, while better, harder-working individuals struggle to achieve their dreams?" Chris shrugged. "Maybe. But who cares? I love me some super hot babes. And I'm super hot myself."

"Inspiring," Noah said.

"I know," Chris said. He sighed. "Okay, look. I know including a 'Beauty' team might seem shallow. But in truth, the members of the Beauty team weren't simply chosen for their outer looks. They played a factor, sure. But ultimately, we focused most on the beauty within. The desire to help others, to make the world a better place. That's what's truly important."

Brick smiled. "Affirmative, sir. I agree 110 percent."

"Stop talking, you waste of casting slot," Chris hissed. Brick shamefully dropped his head. Chris grinned back at the camera. "Now, let's get to the introductions!" He checked his watch. "…In twenty minutes."

"What are we waiting for?" Jasmine asked.

"Their makeup isn't done yet."

"Are you kidding me—"

Twenty minutes later…

A massive white cruise liner now sat parked next to the beach, glistening in the sunlight. The door slammed open, and a set of steps extended down onto the dock. Chris beckoned to the boat.

"Contained within that luxury cruise liner are six of the most beautiful contestants we've had on our show."

"What the heck? Why did they get to take a cruise to get here?" Courtney complained.

"That's just how it worked out. It had nothing to do with them being more beautiful than the rest of you," Chris said. "Now, without further ado, let's bring out the first of said beautiful people! The one… the only… Alejandro Burromuerto!" Heather gasped as her boyfriend stepped out of the darkness and out onto the steps. He stood there for a moment, his eyes sparkling mischievously as he gazed at the rest of the contestants. Then he slowly began descending towards the beach. Chris continued his narration.

"In his first two seasons on the show, Alejandro established himself as a villainous mastermind, using his striking good looks and Latin charm to advance his game. His beauty was his greatest strategic advantage, as he manipulated his fellow castmates to do his bidding, eliminating them when they'd outlived their usefulness. His talents are extensive, his charisma is infectious, and his soul is pure evil… it's Alejandro!"

Alejandro smiled and waved at his fellow campers as he walked down the beach toward the crowd, but was met with glares from the others. He reached Chris and stopped, chuckling.

"Well, Chris, if there were ever an introductory monologue that could screw me before the season even started… that would be it." He smiled warmly and placed a hand on the host's shoulders. "I kid, I kid. It's so good to see you, mi amigo. How have you been?"

Chris paused for a moment, and looked as if he were thinking. Then he slowly began speaking in broken Spanish. "Uh… me estas… uh… mucho si gusto… uh… tacos… very tambien usted?"

Alejandro forced a laugh. "Wow, Chris! Your Spanish has vastly improved."

"Thanks, man!" Chris beamed. "I've been practicing a ton. Bought this hella expensive online course."

"Well, it's paid off," Alejandro said. "That was certainly not an ignorant and unforgivable butchering of my beloved native tongue."

Chris let out a sigh of relief. "Thank God. You don't know how good it feels to hear you say that, dude." He paused, and then laughed. "Wow. You haven't even been on this beach for more than thirty seconds, and I'm already completely charmed and manipulated by you. Impressive."

Alejandro smiled and shook his head. "No, hombre. I am being completely genuine."

Chris's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Indeed. This season will be different, Chris. You will see a new side of Alejandro Burromuerto. This season, I will be honest."

Courtney burst out laughing. Alejandro turned to her. "You do not believe me, Courtney? I am hurt. But it is understandable, given how I have hurt you in the past." He sighed. "Oh, I regret so much from my accursed past! But alas, I was a reckless teenager in my first season. Out of control. I just kept telling lie after lie, and I couldn't stop. I never thought about the consequences of my actions and the people I would hurt. And to top it all off, I made out with a pineapple. Shameful from start to finish." He paused, and then glanced at Heather for the first time since he'd arrived. "But now, after returning in Total Drama All-Stars, I finally know what matters. It's not money, nor fame, nor power. It is love! And I have found the love of my life!"

"Awwwwwwww," swooned some people in the crowd.

"Who? The pineapple?" Noah asked.

"Hahaha! No. A woman, Noah," Alejandro said, his left eyelid twitching just ever so slightly. "As it stands, the pineapple and I are no longer on speaking terms."

Harold snapped his finger in disappointment. "Darn! Well, my Fanfiction writing career has certainly taken a hit."

Chris slapped Alejandro on the back. "Good for you, man. This is terrible for ratings, but good for you. I wish you and Heather nothing but the best."

"And the best we shall have. As long as we're together," Alejandro declared, gazing lovingly at his girlfriend, who blushed in return.

Brick wiped a tear from his eye. "So… beautiful…"

Courtney, meanwhile, was fuming.

"Okay, okay. As touching as this moment is, we still have many more expositional plot points to get to," Chris said. "Ready to meet your teammates, Alejandro?"

Alejandro took a deep breath and turned to Chris. "Admittedly, I am a bit nervous. But I'm ready, Chris." He smiled, gazing out at the ocean. "Meeting my teammates is always a special moment. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. After all, these are the individuals with whom I will charge headfirst into battle, with whom I will strive to be my best whilst pushing them to do the same, with whom I will share my very soul." He bit his lip, looking as if he were fighting back tears.

"Wow, Alejandro. I didn't know you felt so strongly about this," Chris said, raising an eyebrow. Alejandro turned back to him.

"But of course, Chris! Mi equipo es un parte de mi corazon! This season more than ever, I will be all about team loyalty. But we will not be just a team; no, it is my hope that we will become a singular being, with one singular purpose: to win, and to win together." He smiled again. "I believe that the next person to step out of that boat will be a lifelong friend of mine when all is said and done."

"Great! Come on out, Sugar!" Chris called out towards the boat.

Alejandro's smile quickly disappeared as the blonde pageant queen stepped out onto the top step. Chris turned to the Latin model, amused.

"What's the problem? Not who you were expecting?" he asked.

Alejandro slowly forced back his smile. "There is absolutely no problem, Chris. I am overjoyed to see such a strong competitor as Sugar join my team. In fact, she was someone I had in mind before the season even began."

"I thought you weren't going to tell any lies this season, Al," Courtney said, smirking. Alejandro tried to ignore her, continuing to smile, but the corners of his mouth twitched.

Sugar, meanwhile, waved left and right, smiling at the cameras.

"Thank you, thank you! It is such an honor to be voted onto Team Beauty by the fans of Total Drama!" she declared, speaking in her pageant voice. "Sugar loves each and every one of y'all!"

"Uh, actually, Sugar, the fans didn't vote," Chris said. "It was my decision."

Sugar shrugged, still smiling. "Who cares? Wouldn't have mattered either way. You'd hafta be blind not to put me on this team." She paused. "Or gay, I guess." She glanced over at Chris. "You do sometimes seem like you prefer to paint both sides of the barn house."

"No, Sugar, I do not. Now how about you move out of the doorway so the others ca—"

"But that being said… you could also be blind. I mean, can you even see outta those things?" Sugar exclaimed in wonder, pointing at Chris's eyes. "They're just a coupl'a dots bouncin' around up there! Kinda weird if you ask me."

"Really making me rethink my decision here, Sugar," Chris muttered, glancing self-consciously at his reflection.

"Speaking of which, Chris…" Heather started. She then lowered her voice to a whisper. "Why the actual f**k is SHE on this team?!"

The host shrugged. "Why not?"

"Um, because she's disgusting?!"

Chris crossed his arms. "Well, I think she's beautiful. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, Heather. Even fat people can be beautiful, believe it or not. Ever heard Meghan Trainor's hit song, 'All About That Bass'?"

"Yeah. It sucks."

"How dare you!" Chris gasped. "It's an absolute banger! Plus, it teaches an important lesson: girls should love themselves for who they are, even if they're a little heavier than is the conventional beauty standard. We at Total Drama want to send the same message to our own viewers. Sugar will be a role model for young girls worldwide!"

Sugar, meanwhile, was still posing in the ship's doorframe. Suddenly, another female contestant stepped out behind her. She had bronze-orange skin, a low-cut tank top, and about five pounds of makeup on.

"Whaddup?! Anne Maria is in the hous—" The Jersey girl was cut off as she was violently shoved back inside.

"Wait your damn turn, bitch!" Sugar shouted.

"Wow, Chris. Such a great role model," said Jasmine, rolling her eyes.

Chris shrugged. "Anne Maria really should've waited her turn."

Anne Maria got up, dusting herself off. "No. No no no no no! You did not just push me back in line! You've been hoggin' the stage for ten minutes, sistah!"

"Oh yeah? And what're you gonna do about it?" Sugar taunted.

Anne Maria responded by charging the Southern girl, slamming into her with a full-body tackle. The whole crowd gasped as the two toppled out of the ship's doorframe and fell down the stairs with loud, metallic thuds, crashing down onto the beach. Rolling around in the sand, the two divas scratched and clawed at each other like rabid animals. Anne Maria grabbed Sugar's hair and yanked it roughly; Sugar shrieked and attempted the same maneuver, but nearly broke her fingers on the tan girl's metallic hairdo. Gritting her teeth, Sugar chose instead to put Anne Maria in a headlock and began punching her repeatedly in the face. Each time her fist swung back up, it was covered in a heavier coat of bronze tanner. Anne Maria suddenly caught Sugar's arm in the upswing and twisted it with a sickening crack. Sugar grabbed Anne Maria's leg in response and bit into it.

Everyone else, meanwhile, watched in horror from the sidelines. Jasmine glanced over at Chris, who stood frozen in place.

"Um... Chris? I don't want to impose upon you or anything, but please feel free to actually do something," she said. Chris turned to her, his eyes wide in horror.

"What the...?! What do you want me to do?"

"How about doing your f**king job and intervening before one of them kills the other?" Courtney suggested. Chris shook his head and laughed.

"Oh, c'mon, Courtney. That's a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think?" the host chuckled. "Anne Maria and Sugar are just working out their differences as mature adults. You see, whenever two mature adults have a disagreement, it's best to settle it in an honest and direct manner, yet without excessive hostility. Just as they are doing." As he said this, Anne Maria whipped out a pocket knife and brandished it dangerously close to Sugar's face. Sugar screamed and reached behind her back, grabbing wildly at thin air. When her hand came up empty, the Southern gal cursed.

"Dangnabbit! Now where did I put that damn rifle?!"

Suddenly, Topher jumped out onto the top step, buzzing with excitement.

"Sugar and Anne Maria just continue to go at it! Let's get a closer look at the action!" The pretty boy slid down the railing and landed next to them on the sand. He flinched as a tooth flew past his face. "Um… wow! They're.. really getting into it." His eyes widened as he continued to watch. "Oh… oh God… what the fu…" He slowly turned to the camera. "Um… this is… this is great! And t-to think this fight was about to go without proper narration! Luckily, Topher got here JUST IN time!"

Suddenly, Justin stuck his head out of the door, flashing a brilliant white smile.

"Did somebody say 'Justin Time'?" he declared. Posing for the camera, he took a step forward, and immediately toppled forward down the steps, face-planting in the sand at the bottom. The model lifted his head and groaned, spitting out sand.

"Ow… WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THERE WERE STAIRS THERE?!"

Topher, meanwhile, continued to narrate the brawl. "And… Sugar punches Anne Maria again! And Anne Maria responds b-by… oh my God… so much blood…"

"NO!" Justin suddenly screamed, holding up a mirror. "MY FACE! It's… BRUISED!"

"Let GO!" yelled Anne Maria.

"No way! This rodeo's just gettin' started!" Sugar cackled.

"N-no… not my face…" Justin moaned.

"And… Anne Maria continues to… Sugar now has Anne Maria's… p-please… j-just stop…" Topher whispered, tears in his eyes.

"My face… MY FACE!" Justin wailed.

"AUGH! OW! DAMN IT!" Sugar cursed as Anne Maria ripped off a patch of her hair.

"My FACE!"

"EVERYBODY STOP!" Chris yelled into a giant megaphone, blowing all four of them backwards. The four Beauty team members all fell silent. Sugar and Anne Maria lay on the ground, groaning; Topher stood there, shell-shocked; and Justin sat in a fetal position. Chris lowered the megaphone. "Good. Now come over here, all of you. And please, ladies, do not touch each other again. Jesus Christ." As the Beauties began to make their way over, Chris turned and smirked at Courtney. "Nothing to say now, huh? So much for me being a terrible host who doesn't do his job. Chris 1, Courtney 0." Courtney rolled her eyes.

Sugar and Anne Maria slowly got up, glaring at each other. They were both covered in bruises and scratches, and each had a black eye. Their clothes were completely torn as well. Topher, having regained his composure, helped Justin up. The four then shuffled over to Chris, who shook his head in disappointment.

"Okay, first of all, what happened to 'waiting for your cue'?"

Justin crossed his arms. "Okay, I swear I heard my cue."

"Well, you didn't, Justin. You screwed it up. And no amount of hotness you may possess will change that fact."

Anne Maria stared at Justin, drooling. "And that's a whole lotta hotness, too..."

Justin smiled back at her. "Thanks. I wish I could say the same for you, but I can't."

Anne Maria blushed and giggled. "Wow, thanks!"

"So what's our punishment, Chris?" Topher asked, a little too eagerly.

"Well, because you wasted so much time, you're all just gonna get much shorter introductions," Chris said.

"No!" the host wannabe gasped. "Anything but that!"

"You should just be happy I'm not kicking you out right now, Topher," Chris said. "Given that you've already broken the agreement."

Cameron frowned. "What agreement?"

"We'll get to that in a moment. First let's run through Alejandro's new teammates in order of arrival." The host beckoned to Sugar. "We're all already way too familiar with her. Next, we have Anne Maria. She's back by popular demand—"

"From who?" Courtney asked.

"People," Chris said. "Anyways, Anne Maria is perfect for Team Beauty. She's among the sexiest girls we've ever had on this show."

"No she isn't," Heather said.

"ExCUSE me?" Anne Maria snapped.

"Yeah, Heather, not cool," Chris said, crossing his arms. "Jealousy is seriously not a good look for you."

"I'm not jealous. I'm just stating a fact. Your picks for the girls on this team have made absolutely zero sense," Heather said.

Chris shrugged. "Okay, I'll admit that maybe after a certain point, quantity wins out over quality. And after wading through hours upon hours of confessional footage of Anne Maria talking about how hot she was during Season 4, I think I may have been brainwashed a little. But whatever, I brought her back. Deal with it."

"You heard the man," Anne Maria sneered. "Deal with it. I'm on Team Beauty, and you aren't." She blew a raspberry at the raven-haired girl.

Heather was about to make a retort, but stopped herself.

"Now…" said Chris, "moving along, it's Justin. Once considered a beautiful, silent demigod by the cast and crew alike, he hit a bit of a slump in his second season, when his powers suddenly stopped working. Wild guess, but it may have had something to do with the fact that he started speaking. But Justin's come back for a third go, hotter than ever before, ready to prove that he's not just a prop for jokes about Owen's sexuality."

"And to win," Justin added.

"Oh, Justin… you aren't going to win," Chris laughed. "Finally, we have Topher. Topher, Topher, Topher. To say he and I have a colorful history would be quite the understatement."

Cameron nodded. "Yeah, he's definitely the one I'm most surprised by. I'm shocked you brought him back. He almost stole your job as host last season!"

"Indeed he did. And believe me, I was more than ready to let him fade into oblivion. But Topher has a lot more fans than you would expect, and they are frighteningly aggressive for your average 12-year-old girl, so I decided to humor them."

"Have I told you how thankful I am, by the way? I am forever indebted to you, Chris," Topher said, his eyes watery with emotion. "I was on the verge of ruin! I had no chance of even landing a commercial gig for supermarket hair gel, let alone a TV show! But you saved me. You've given me a chance for redemption. You are a kind and merciful god, Chris Mclean."

Chris grinned. "See, this is the Topher I can live with. But no need to thank me, Topher. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Redemption is a key part of Total Drama. Unlike The Ridonculous Race. Have they EVER brought back any of their past competitors for another season? I don't think so."

"There's only been one season, Chris," Noah said.

"AND IT BETTER STAY THAT WAY!" Chris shouted. "Ahem. Anyways, Topher is still on a very short leash. We came to an agreement before the season began that if he tries to start 'hosting' at any point, he's a goner. He's already broken the rule, but I'll let that first little relapse slide. Given how pathetic of a job it was."

Topher dropped to his knees in joy. "Oh, thank you! Thank you! You are so generous!" He began kissing the ground near Chris's feet. Chris patted Topher's head, before glancing at the cruise liner.

"That should be all the Beauties, right?"

"No," Courtney said. "That's only 5. There's still a sixth person we're waiting on."

Justin frowned. "But… when I left the boat, it didn't look like anyone else was in there."

"And he's supah hot, so he should know!" Anne Maria added.

Suddenly, there was a cough from behind everyone, and a gentle voice floated through the air.

"Hello, everyone. I'm right here." Everyone swiveled around to see a pale, blonde-haired girl sitting up on one of the large rocks by the beach.

Brick beamed when he saw her. "Hey! It's Dawn!" He waved to her. "Long time no see, Dawn!"

Chris, who was still facing the water, gasped when he heard the name, and swiveled around.

"SO YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO SHOW YOUR FACE ON MY ISLAND, HUH?!" he roared. He looked around. "Wait, where is he?"

Heather rolled her eyes. "Not Don, you idiot. Dawn." She pointed at the moonchild.

Chris stared at her for a moment, before slowly laughing, embarrassed. "Ohhhhhhhhh. I see. Thought it was… anyways… uh… so yeah, Dawn is the final member of the Beauties. Heh heh."

Dawn slid down from the rock, but it almost looked as if she were floating. She touched down onto the ground and smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't make my presence known earlier, you guys, but I knew it was not my time to—"

"Wait, exactly how long have you been sitting on that rock?" Courtney interrupted.

"Um… since early this morning, I believe. I was meditating, so I couldn't really keep track of the time," Dawn said, frowning.

"So you were here this whole time?! That's so…" The C.I.T. trailed off as she realized that Dawn had disappeared. "Where did she go?" She turned around to see Dawn standing near the Beauty teammates, introducing herself. "What the…? How did she…?"

Dawn extended her hand to Justin and Anne Maria. "Hello, I'm—"

"We know who you are," Anne Maria interrupted.

"We do?" Justin asked.

"Well, I do. She was on my season. And trust me, Justin, you do not wanna get too close to her. She's freaky, man… always talkin' about trees and… and rocks!" Anne Maria shuddered.

Justin frowned. "But I like trees. They're tall and beautiful. Like me." He paused. "Rocks, on the other hand, are absolutely disgusting. Ugly, hideous beings. How anyone could enjoy them is beyond me. So yeah… probably best to stay away from her."

Dawn looked very confused.

Sugar, meanwhile, walked up to Chris and tapped him on the shoulder. "Mr. Host?"

Chris, still recovering from the false alarm, turned to her. "*sigh*… Yes, Sugar?"

"Now, I don't wanna implicate that you ain't doin' a good job as host and all, because you totally are. But… this is the BEAUTY team, right?"

"Yes it is, Sugar. Glad you're paying attention."

"Okay," Sugar said, before pointing to Alejandro. "Now, I can let him slide, because maybe it's an acquired taste."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Alejandro asked, scowling.

Sugar beckoned to Dawn. "But that? I don't get it, Chris. She ain't even wearin' any makeup!"

Justin looked at Dawn's face and gasped. "By God, you're right! What a freak!"

"I mean, it just sorta cheapens the whole word 'beauty', you know?" Sugar shrugged. She turned to Dawn. "No offense."

"Wow," Chris said, shaking his head. "Just wow." He glared at the Beauties. "I thought I knew what I was getting into with this team. But you people have blown me away. You are some of the shallowest teenagers on the FACE OF THE PLANET! Has it ever even crossed your mind that beauty can be defined in more than one way?" He beckoned to Dawn. "Dawn is beautiful. More importantly, she has a beautiful soul. She cares about people. She cares about nature. You all just care about yourselves! You're vapid, I tell you! VAPID! YOU DISGUST ME! YOU'RE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH SOCIETY!" He took a deep breath, and then held up a mirror, examining himself. "Whew. No damage done. Man, I gotta stop yelling like that. Can't get any more wrinkles on this beautiful face." He put the mirror away, and turned to the campers.

"All right, that should be everyone." He pointed to the grassy clearing next to beach. "Let's all head over there, and then I can begin explaining the logistics of this season to you all." People started to pick up their luggage, but the host quickly held up his hand. "No no! Leave your luggage here on the beach."

Jasmine frowned. "Why?"

"Because, uh… your luggage is heavy, obviously. Wouldn't want to tire you guys out so soon. You all can pick it up later."

"That shouldn't be a problem. If anyone's suitcase is too heavy for them, I can totally—"

"Shut it, Harold!" Chris snapped. "The luggage stays here!"

"It's so obvious what you're going to do, Mclean," Duncan said.

Chris put his hands on his hips. "Oh really? And what is that, smart guy?"

"You're gonna blow up all our luggage."

"What?" Chris exclaimed, avoiding eye contact. "No I'm not!"

"Yes you are. You probably planted mines underneath this beach or something. You'll set them off with a remote control. And then you're gonna go into a spiel about 'expecting the unexpected', and how this will be the toughest season yet," Duncan said. Chris stared at him. The delinquent laughed. "I've been on this show too many times, Mclean. I know all your tricks."

"Nope. You're wrong," Chris insisted. He held up his right hand. "In fact, I swear on my mother's life that I will not blow up your luggage."

Brick glanced at Jasmine. "He wouldn't… he wouldn't swear on his mother's life like that and then lie to us, right?"

Jasmine slowly nodded. "I don't think Chris is that deranged."

Slowly, everyone started walking towards the clearing. Duncan sighed and got up.

"I'm telling you people, he's playing you," he sighed as he followed the crowd. The campers reached the clearing, and came to a stop, glancing around at the area. Chris walked over and stood before them, grinning. There was a long moment of silence, as everyone tensed. However, nothing happened. Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

"See? Told you," Chris laughed. "Come on. I wouldn't just carelessly toss my mom's life around. Same goes for my dad." He paused. "Well, I never actually knew my dad. So… yeah, I don't really have any feelings for him." He paused again. "Actually, if I'm being completely honest, I've always sort of hated my father. So I wouldn't really care if he died. I'd be fine. Maybe even happy." There was a long, awkward silence as everyone stared at him.

Chris scratched the back of his head. "Um, anyways… welcome to Pahkitew Island!" A few campers let out half-hearted cheers. Chris beamed. "For most of you, this is your first time here. As Jasmine, Topher, Scarlett, and Sugar can attest, this is a magical place. And you can only truly experience the magic firsthand. It's a lot like Disneyland in that way. The only difference is, I'm not banned for life from Pahkitew Island."

"Is it all still completely fake?" Jasmine asked, tapping the bark on one of the trees.

"Pretty much," Chris said. "Plastic and metal for dayz up in this bitch."

"But then why do I sense so much life here, Chris?" Dawn knelt down and felt the ground. "There are plants and animals all around us, and they're thriving!"

Chris glanced at the surrounding area. "Well… it has been two years since the last season. That's enough time for some actual nature to mistakenly make its home here. But don't worry. It'll all be removed by tomorrow morning."

"No! You can't!" Dawn cried. "There are babies! Innocent babies! With disabilities!"

"Well, actually, I can. I'm Chris Mclean," Chris pointed out, flashing a smile at the camera. Dawn's lower lip began to tremble. Chris held up his hands. "Whoa! Okay, don't cry. I was only joking. I guess I don't have to obliterate the nature. For now. But the second a bird poops on me, I will have to reconsider." The pale girl sighed with relief. Suddenly, Topher appeared next to Chris.

"Wow. You could've rightfully ignored her, and yet you graciously obliged her request! You are such a great host, you know that?"

"Thank you, Topher."

"So… magnanimous! And yet so sovereign!"

"Thanks, man."

Topher winked. "Not to mention perspicacious."

"Thanks, dude."

"And so diffid—"

"Is this season just going to be us standing here watching him come up with new SAT words to kiss your ass?" Courtney interrupted. "Let's go already!"

Chris groaned. "Ugh… fine." He addressed the crowd. "Okay, people! My overly long preseason monologue cannot continue until we reach the Campfire area. So that's where we're headed next. But first..." He beckoned toward a familiar outhouse sitting at the edge of the clearing. "Back once again, it's the outhouse Confessional. Man, you gotta hand it to him. That outhouse Confessional has been around since forever. This is his fifth season now, and he's still going strong."

"You know, I've always thought of the Confessional as more of a 'she', to be honest, sir. Like a mother figure, or something," Brick said. "Just the vibe I've always gotten."

Chris shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous. The Confessional is absolutely a 'he'. There's really no debate."

"But—"

"NO DEBATE!" Chris shouted. He turned to the others. "Now, if any of you have some pent-up thoughts that already need to be released less than 30 minutes into the season, please do so now. The rest of you can just head straight to the Campfire Pit."

A group of people began making their way towards the Confessional. Suddenly, a blur pushed past all of them, sprinting towards the outhouse. The person threw open the door and dived headfirst inside, crashing down onto the floor. The door slammed shut and locked. The others glanced around at each other.

"Who was that?" Courtney asked.

Confession Cam

Topher: Whew… made it… (He slowly lifts his head and gets up from the floor. He throws his hands up triumphantly.) WOO! FIRST CONFESSIONAL OF THE SEASON, BABY! (He sits down, brushing himself off.) Why did it matter so much to me? Well, I'm a very goal-oriented person. All of last season, I was driven by the goal of becoming host. But now that that ship has sailed, I need to come up with new goals. One of those was getting the first confessional. Which I did. (He sits there, silent.) Um… yeah. That's all. I didn't actually come up with anything to say. (He awkwardly exits.)

(Static)

Courtney: Well, the whole cast is here, and now I can say that this whole cast sucks. Seriously. Person for person, pound for pound, this is the worst group of human beings ever assembled. How am I supposed to tolerate another season of Heather, Duncan, and Alejandro? Let alone with a topping of Harold?! And Eva too? Why her? Wasn't she supposed to be dead, or something? I'm pretty sure I remember her dying. Seriously, this is awful. (She sighs.) At least Scott isn't here. That's a relief. (Chris sticks his head in through the window.)

Chris: We do still have an intern spot available…

Courtney: I will kill you, Chris Mclean.

(Static)

Jasmine: Last time, I was here for the adventure; this time, I'm here to win. Not so much because I need the money, but more because Shawn won't stop bragging about beating me last time. (She laughs.) He hasn't actually spent his own money yet, funnily enough; we're still deciding what he should do with it. We've just been having some… creative differences. I say it should go towards university, while he would rather buy a giant metal box and shove it under the ground and hide in it for the rest of his life until he dies. (She pauses.) Do I sound biased? Well, it's cause I am. (She scowls at the camera.) A ZOMBIE BUNKER MAKES NO SENSE, SHAWN! ZOMBIES DON'T EXIST! WHY ARE WE STILL HAVING THIS DEBATE?!

(Static)

Duncan: I can't believe I'm back on this show for a fifth time. That's just… a sobering thought. Damn. (He cringes. Then he looks directly at the camera.) Oh, and just for the record, I'm not even actually allowed to be-

(Static)

Brick: Sergeant Brick MacArthur, reporting for his first confessional of season 007! (He shakes his head, grinning.) Man, I never thought they'd bring me back. Not after my less than admirable performance in my first go-around. But I guess Chris saw something in me, and decided to give me another shot! And on top of that, I get to be on a team filled with the strongest competitors? I can't wait! (He glances nervously out the window.) The only thing that had me worried was Jo possibly being here, too. I thought for sure she'd be on Team Brawn with me. (He cringes.) That would not have been ideal. It's not that I hate Jo… it's just that she always knows how to get under my skin! But I haven't seen her anywhere since I got here, so looks like I had nothing to worry about! That's a relief!

(Static)

Justin (rubbing the bruise on his cheek and looking at his reflection): Ugh... less than thirty minutes into this season, and I'm already hideously deformed. There's only one thing that can save me now. MAKEUP! (He claps expectantly, and a pair of hands appear on either side of his face. While one powders his cheek, the other brushes it with cover-up. As they go about their work, Justin sighs with relief.) Ah... that's better. You know, I should probably be more concerned about where these hands are even coming from, given that I'm in an outhouse. But I'll just roll with it for now.

(Static)

Sugar (as she files her nails): Am I nervous? HA! This is a cast full of nobodies. I ain't heard of any of 'em. But I can already tell that none of these people have the strategical brains to keep up with Sugar. Or the looks. Or the talent. And even if there is anyone who fits that description... well, I bet they have some real flimsy kneecaps. (She grins and pulls out a wooden club from behind her back.)

(Static)

Alejandro: *sigh*… I must look on the bright side. At least I will have no trouble destroying my team members when it comes time. Ignorant buffoons, the whole lot of them… why must I always end up on the team filled with idiots?! Dios mio! Their stupidity could power a jet engine all the way to my home country and deliver Christmas gifts to the substantial contingent of impoverished children! And do not get me started on Sugar. She, of all people, has the audacity to call me ugly?! Owen would be an upgrade over that useless, entitled, disgusting—(He cuts himself off, and takes a deep breath.) No. Stop. You must remain calm, Alejandro. Heather told you to have patience. Letting your emotions get the best of you will do you no good. Wait until you are reunited with Heather, and then proceed from there. (He moans.) Oh, but it could be an eternity before I see her again! I cannot wait that long! (Suddenly, his eyes light up.) Wait a minute. Why wait at all? You are Alejandro Burromuerto! You wait for nobody! Por supuesto! (He races out of the Confessional.)

End of Confessionals

Campfire Area

The rest of the campers now sat on logs, as the Confessional users showed up one by one. The campfire area, like last time, was located up on a cliff overlooking the beach. Just as Brick sat down, a groan came from the opposite end of the cliff. Tyler, his hair scorched and his face charred, slowly walked forward, dragging his foot. He reached an empty log and collapsed on it.

"Made it… finally… place… at the table… " He threw his hand up triumphantly. However, his arm suddenly wobbled, and his palm came back down and smacked him in the face. "Ow…"

Brick and Jasmine ran up to him.

"Tyler! What happened?" Jasmine exclaimed. She put her hand over her mouth. "Oh my God, I remember! You crashed your truck on your way here! And then we instantly forgot all about you, as if you hadn't even existed!"

"Are you all right, soldier? Do you need medical attention?" Brick asked.

Tyler slowly lifted his head and grinned. "Nah, I'm good. I'm an athlete, man. Every time you wipe out, you just get back up. No excuses. So that's what I did."

Brick gasped. "That's incredible!"

Jo walked in, groaning. "It's also a load of BS. He crash-landed on me while I was in the middle of my run and nearly broke my back. And then I had to carry him all the way here, while he complained about how hungry he was." Tyler was about to speak, but she cut him off. "Yes, I know you didn't have breakfast. I don't care."

Brick let out an earsplitting scream. "Y-YOU!" He pointed a wobbly finger at Jo. "W-where… b-but… y-you weren't…"

Jo smirked at him. "Did you not just hear me, Sergeant Oblivious? I was out my run. That's why I wasn't at the beach when you got there." She suddenly noticed Jasmine, and fist-pumped. "All right, we have the giant? Sweet!"

Brick continued to stare at Jo in horror. "N-no… this is… you can't be… w-why… I d-don't… h-help…" Jo turned to him.

"Dude. Relax. You're freaking me out even more than usual," she said. She then glanced around at the other contestants sitting around on the logs. "Is that Anne Maria? Wow, she looks terrible. Who beat the sh** out of her?"

Brick took a deep breath.

Confession Cam

Brick: Yeah, I was caught a little off guard by Jo's sudden arrival. So I got flustered! Can you blame me? I thought I was free of her! I wasn't ready for a plot twist so early in the season like that. But still, I couldn't let Jo think I was afraid of her. Negatory. That would give her the upper hand. I had to play it off.

End of Confessionals

Brick lifted his hand up to his forehead and saluted Jo, his arm shaking.

"S-Seargant Brick MacArthur, reporting for duty, sir!"

Jo stared at him in confusion. She glanced at Jasmine.

"Is he malfunctioning right now?"

"N-no!" Brick stuttered. "I'm not! I just wanted to introduce m-myself formally! S-since we're teammates!"

"But we already know each other."

"Indeed!" Brick choked. "A m-mistake on my end!"

Jo stared at him. "… I think I'm going to go far away from you right now."

"Probably not the worst idea!"

Shaking her head, Jo walked over to Duncan, leaving Brick standing there, still saluting.

Confession Cam

Brick: Well, that seemed better in my head…

(Static)

Jo: Man, Brick is even more awkward and incoherent around me than he was last time. His crush is getting out of control. But who can blame him? (She chuckles.) Too bad I have no time for romance. I'm here to win. And nobody, especially not Brick, is standing in my way.

End of Confessionals

"Okay, campers," Chris said, standing before everyone. "You're all here. Great. Now, the first order of business..." He handed a remote control to Chef, who was standing next to him. The cook glanced at the host. Chris nodded. Chef then pressed a large red button on the controller, and huge explosion suddenly shook the cliff. Everyone jumped up.

"What was that?!" Cameron cried.

"The mines down at the beach just went off."

"WHAT?!" yelled the campers in unison. They all ran over to the edge of the cliff, and saw a large cloud of smoke billowing up from the beach where they had left their suitcases. Heather whipped around to face the host.

"I thought you swore on your mother's life that you wouldn't blow up our luggage!"

"I didn't blow up your luggage," Chris said. "Chef did!"

The campers groaned.

"I told you people not to trust him," Duncan said, still sitting on the log.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Well, aren't you so special?"

Anne Maria, meanwhile, dropped to her knees at the edge of the cliff, staring at the wreckage below. "No… MY CLOTHES!"

Sugar dropped down next to her. "MY MAKEUP!"

"MY OTAKU COLLECTABLES!" Harold cried, before desperately calling out toward the charred remains of the beach. "SaiLor Jenny-chan! I'm sorry!"

"All right, enough, people! Everyone back to your seats! We don't have all day!" Chris ordered. Everyone shuffled back to the logs, grumbling. Once the contestants were seated again, the host resumed speaking.

"I'm sorry. But this is an important first lesson, people. You always have to expect the unexpected when you're on Total Drama." Suddenly, Topher walked up to the host and placed a hand on his shoulder, beaming.

"No need to apologize, Chris," the brown-haired teenager laughed. "That was awesome! What a way to start the season. Bravo! I totally didn't see it coming, and I loved every second of it. I'm just so hyped now! WOO!" He enthusiastically slapped Chris on the back. "Man, you wouldn't believe how many valuable personal items I had in my suitcase that just got blown up. My phone, my wallet, all of my most expensive clothes, the locket that my grandmother gave to me on her deathbed... it's all been destroyed for pretty much no reason! And now it's like my grandma never even existed, and I failed in completing her dying wish! This will probably haunt me for countless years hereafter until I forget about her existence completely! WOOHOO! I LOVE this show!"

Chris stared at Topher. "Um... okay. I'm... happy to hear it. Please sit down now, Topher." As Topher headed towards his stump, Chris continued speaking. "Uh, anyway... as I was saying, you all will need to expect the unexpected. Especially this season, which will be the toughest yet! Without your luggage, you will have only the clothes on your back and your wits to survive out in the wilderness."

"Wait… there aren't any cabins here?" Noah suddenly asked, looking up from his book in confusion.

"I'm not going to even dignify that with a response," Chris said, scowling. "You'd know the answer if you'd watched even a single minute of season 6. But of course, you thought you were too 'mature' for my program. But not too mature for a show where crazy French figure skaters in pink tights pranced around the screen for half of every episode!" He paused. "But no, there are no cabins." He smirked. "Bet you don't like the sound of that, huh, Noah? Roughing it out there… you're gonna be miserable, you sedentary little creep."

Noah shrugged. "All the more motivation to get voted off first."

Chris's eyelid twitched. "Moving on… each team will trek out into the wilderness to a specifically designated campsite, where they will have to forage and find shelter to survive."

"So we don't get to just set up camp anywhere this time?" Jasmine asked.

"No. There are more of you kids than last time, and we want to be able to at least somewhat keep track of your whereabouts. We're responsible adults here. Now, before you leave for the great outdoors, each team will be given a backpack with a—wait a minute." Chris's eyes widened as a thought crossed his mind. He glanced around. "Was Eva still on that beach?"

"No, sir," Brick said. "I carried her up here. No man left behind."

The TV personality wiped the sweat from his brow. "Phew. That was almost really bad. Anyway, as I was saying, there is a backpack for each team." He beckoned to three backpacks sitting on the ground next to him, each with a team's logo on it.

"In each backpack, you will find a map, compass, and other supplies that you may find useful. You will then navigate your way to your team's campsite. You will know you're in the right spot when you see a flag with your team's logo on it. Any questions?"

"So where are the cabins?" Anne Maria asked.

"You seem a little behind," Chris said. He took out his blow horn. "All right. It's time to kick things off!" He held up the horn. "On your marks… get set…" He covered his ears and pressed the blow horn, and its sound pierced the air. "…GO!" Everyone continued to sit on the logs, confused.

Scarlett frowned at the host. "Wait… is it a race?"

"Well, not really… but I have a feeling that you won't want to be out at dark," the host said ominously.

Everyone quickly got up. Heather and Courtney immediately both latched onto the Brains backpack and began fighting over it; meanwhile, the Brawns arrived at the front of the campfire area, only to see their backpack already on Tyler's back. The jock nodded at them.

"Everyone here? All right, follow me!"

Jo scowled. "Who made you leader? And how are you so healthy all of a sudden?"

Tyler grinned. "I'm an athlete!"

"That's not an explan—"

"Let's go!" Tyler cheered, interrupting her. Before his team could stop him, he was off and sprinting.

"Wait!" Jo yelled. "At least let us look at the map first! You moron! Stop!" The Brawns chased after him into the forest, with Brick panting and lugging Eva on his back.

Confession Cam

Tyler: I had to take charge when I saw the opportunity. This was my chance, man! (He shakes his head.) Every season I've been on, I've always been an afterthought. A footnote. An easter egg! Nobody ever remembers me! It took three years of intensive therapy sessions for my own girlfriend to stop calling me Ezekiel! (He throws his hands up.) Come on, people! I'm Tyler! I'm a human being! I have FEELINGS! (He takes a deep breath.) But I won't be forgotten this season. No way. Whatever it takes, I will be remembered.

End of Confessionals

While Sugar, Topher, and Dawn rifled through the Beauty backpack, Justin and Anne Maria examined the map.

"How am I supposed to understand any of this? I never took calculus!" Justin complained.

"Relax, baby. I'm on it," Anne Maria said. She called out to Chris. "Yo! Our map is busted! We need a new one!" Chris walked over, his eyebrow raised.

"Really? How so?"

"Justin can't read it," Anne Maria explained, tenderly placing a hand on the model's shoulder.

"Hmm… well, if Justin can't read it, then the map is probably doing its job," Chris said. He walked away as Anne Maria scowled.

"Not funny! Justin's way hotter than you, by the way!" she called after him.

Sugar, meanwhile, held up the compass. "Damn it, this clock is stopped! Wait now it's movin'! Now it's stoppin' again. What the heck?"

"That's a compass, Sugar," Topher said. "But it's pretty useless if we can't read the map."

Sugar suddenly grabbed Topher by the collar. "No, it's a clock. You think you know more than me? How many pageants have you won?"

"Um, I've never been in a—"

"Ha! I thought so!" Sugar let go of his collar, and Topher dropped to the ground. "Looks like Sugar wins."

Topher sighed and got up, brushing himself off. A thought suddenly crossed his mind, and he looked around, frowning. "Say, where's Alejandro?"

Before anyone could respond, Dawn gasped. "Guys, I know the way!"

"Really?" Justin exclaimed. "Did you call an Uber? Man, I should've thought of that. I have the app and everything. Not to mention I received a code that gives me a 20 dollar discount spread out over my first four purchases."

"No, silly. Even better! I have a friend who can guide us!" Dawn laughed, pointing to a large blue dragonfly buzzing next to her. "Everyone meet Winston."

The other beauties looked at the dragonfly, before they slowly turned to each other.

"Do we follow her, or do we tell her she's absolutely crazy and run for it?" Anne Maria whispered nervously. Justin tapped his chin, thinking.

"Hmmm…. on the one hand, following her requires a lot less effort. On the other hand… following her requires a lot less effort," he said. He turned back to Dawn. "Lead the way, freaky ghost girl!"

"Okay, Winston!" Dawn said to her dragonfly friend. "Lead us to victory!"

Chris watched the Beauties head out into the forest, before turning to the cameras.

"Two teams are off and running!" The camera panned over to Heather and Courtney, who were still fighting over the backpack while Scarlett and Cameron tried to mediate. "While the Brains spend a little more time planning, inherent to their nature as intellectuals." The camera panned over to Noah, who sat on a log, reading. "While Noah continues to act like he's too cool for all of this. Such an asshole."

Courtney finally wrestled the backpack away from Heather and opened it. The C.I.T. reached inside. Her eyes slowly widened as she felt around within the backpack.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"What?" Cameron asked. "What's the problem?"

Courtney held the backpack upside down, and nothing fell out. "It's completely empty!"

Heather crossed her arms. "Nice going, Courtney. Had the backpack for two seconds, and you already lost all the supplies."

Clutching the backpack, Courtney stormed over to Chris. "Did you think we wouldn't notice?"

The host looked at her innocently. "Whatever do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, Mclean! Give us our map!" Courtney demanded as the other Brains (sans Noah) joined her.

Chris smirked at them. "Why should Team Brains need it? Maps are for the plebeians, after all."

"Are you supposed to be imitating us right now?" Heather asked in disbelief. "None of us have ever said anything like that!"

"Maybe not. But it's always running through your oversized heads. You Brains think you're sooo much smarter than the rest of us, just because you're 'aware of global issues' and 'know how to read'," Chris scoffed. "You're just a bunch of big-headed bullies. I warned you that insulting the entire Total Drama fanbase would not go unpunished. I will defend their honor to my last dying breath."

Harold nodded with approval. "Honor is very important in Japanese culture. I can respect your desire to defend it."

"I can't! This isn't noble, it's blatantly rigging the game!" Courtney snarled. "It's unfair! It's a violation of our rights!"

"What about my right to not care about your rights? Huh?" Chris countered. "Look, I'm sure you kids will think of something to get out of this jam. Make me proud."

"NO!" Courtney shouted. "YOU GIVE US OUR F**KING MAP OR SO HELP ME I WILL—"

Courtney was cut off as Chris pushed her offscreen, grinning at the camera. "Let's take a quick break to hear from our sponsors."

Will the Brains figure out a solution? Or has Chris finally stumped them?

Will the Brawns let Tyler take the leadership role?

Can the Beauties survive for more than a day in nature?

And where in the world is Alejandro Burromuerto?

See it all right here, on the next exciting chapter of

Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty!

---

Team Breakdown:

The Brains: Harold, Courtney, Noah, Heather, Cameron, Scarlett

The Brawns: Eva, Jo, Duncan, Brick, Jasmine, Tyler

The Beauties: Alejandro, Sugar, Anne Maria, Topher, Justin, Dawn

---

LE AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hey guys, Cheesebub here! Finally back from rehab! Just kidding. Maybe. Anyways, it's been a year and a half since you all heard from me, and I know you're probably all pissed that my return to the fandom isn't even an update to Total Drama Returns. Yeah... I'm not gonna try to defend myself.

But in my defense, I've been super busy with college and my computer sucks. And I've been stagnant creatively with TDR, a product of my waning interest in the fandom and my hatred of the story. This has lasted for a while, as you can see. But I recently had an explosion of inspiration when I came up with this new concept for a season (I didn't actually come up with it, it's just a complete ripoff of the show Survivor, do not give me any credit). So I decided to run with it. So for now, Total Drama Returns unfortunately remains on hiatus.

But is it even all that unfortunate? Can't we all just agree that Total Drama Returns kinda sucks anyway? It's poorly written, more than a little inappropriate (like does anyone remember that scene where Chef literally tried to rape Lindsay? 'Cause I do. It haunts me to this day), and at times flat-out incomprehensible (like how the hell did Trent electrocute Bridgette using a surfboard? WTF? Ugh, not to mention-sorry, I'm getting off topic). Just think about it this way. I was 12 when I started writing that story. What freaking 12-year-old can write good fanfiction? My brain was literally half developed at the time. Now, after all that nonsense I've put into existence, I just want to write a story that I can actually be proud of. But given the fact that I usually can't stand to look at something a week after I write it, we'll see how it goes.

Anyways, thanks for reading! The next chapter is almost finished, believe it or not, so it should be coming very soon. In the meantime, reviews are always appreciated, as I am a bonafide review whore. So how about to start off, tell me who you're rooting for! Thanks!