Duo Gets a Haircut

It's time for Duo to get a haircut, but he needs some help from the other guys. Fortunately, Trowa's gay, so he's pretty qualified.

This started out as part of a story that was equally stupid. But this part just kept going, and what the hell, why not, here it is.

Warning to Trowa fans. Wow, you don't hear that one much, do you? I have recently become fascinated with Trowa, but I still kind of hate him. After all, he blew up Deathscythe. Let's keep that in mind.

Other warnings: Language. (Duo cusses.)

(Heavily) Implied 4x3.

Also drinking.

Duo sat in Sally's office at Preventers, discussing the mission for which he and the other pilots had been called into town. Her office was small, cluttered, but comfortable. On the wall there was a picture the medical team she'd belonged to before the Gundams, and a picture on her desk of her and Wufei before the wedding. Duo sat in the chair across the room from her and tried to pay attention.

"There's one more thing," she said. "It's always a consideration when sending you undercover, but especially now that we're dealing with ex-Oz, who have a higher likelihood of having seen you or seen a picture of you, considering all those times you were captured."

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that," said Duo. Somehow he was always the one getting captured and punched. Even when everybody else got captured, they never got punched. It wasn't fair.

Sally pushed ahead and said quickly, "You wouldn't cut your hair, would you?"

"What? No way!" Duo put his hand on the back of his head protectively. "This hair belongs to me!"

"I'm sorry, Duo, but it's very…distinctive, and if you don't cut it, it'll just be too risky to use you for undercover. We'd like Trowa to have some back-up, but Heero's too unpredictable out on his own like that and Wufei and Quatre are simply too honest. If you can't do it, Trowa will have to be our only operative." She lowered her voice. "It's just hair, Duo."

"It reminds me of someone," said Duo, pulling the braid in front of him and running his hands over it. "She's dead."

"I'm sorry, Duo," Sally said kindly. "I understand. Don't worry about it, I'll talk to Une for you."

Duo looked at the coil of gorgeous, chestnut-colored hair in his hands. He'd never seen a chestnut, actually, but people always used that word about his hair and he liked it. It was so smooth, a few split ends, but hey, it had a hard life. It did its best, always had, through everything…He looked up. "Can you give me a while to think about it?"

"I'll see you tomorrow, Duo."

He stood up to go, but lingered in the doorway. "Thanks, Sally. Seriously."

"No problem. Now get out of here, I have things to do."

As soon as Duo closed her door behind him, he got out his cell phone and called Heero. After a few rings, there was a click and Duo heard the sounds of the shooting range. "Hey, man, what are you doing?"

"Hn."

"Cool, cool. Hey, can you do me a favor? Wanna grab some drinks with me? It's gotta be happy hour somewhere around here."

"No."

"Awesome. I'll meet you in the lobby." Duo snapped his phone shut and headed toward the elevator. When it arrived, Wufei stepped out. "Hey, 'Fei, Heero and I are gonna grab some drinks. Wanna join?"

"Um…" Wufei stopped walking and looked down the hallway toward Sally's door.

"Aw, come on, you need to get out of here for a while."

"I was planning on going home to have dinner with my wife."

"Whatever, she's probably sick of you. Come out with us, just this once. I swear it won't be like last time. Just a couple drinks, nothing weird."

"I don't believe you," said Wufei, "but okay. Let me tell Sally."

Two hours, a few pitchers, and one trip to the Earth Sphere Capital Wal-Mart later, Duo, Heero, and Wufei arrived at Duo's hotel room. Duo put some newly-purchased cans of beer in his mini-fridge and Heero tore through the packaging around a new pair of scissors with his pocket knife. Wufei grabbed a beer, pushed some newspapers off the armchair by the window, and sat down.

"Well," said Duo, straightening up. "Ya ready?"

"Are you?" asked Heero, brandishing the scissors.

"Wait." Duo tossed Heero a beer and picked out one for himself. They turned them upside-down, and Heero put holes in the new tops. They held them up.

"One, two, three, shoot!" said Duo, and they popped the tabs and shotgunned. "Okay," said Duo, when they had drained the alcohol and what was left of it was dripping down their shirts. He coughed a little and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Now I'm ready."

Heero tossed the empty beer can in the trash and walked into the bathroom.

"I hope you don't mind waiting out here," Duo said to Wufei. "It's sort of a private thing."

"Please, go ahead," said Wufei graciously. He grabbed the Gideon bible on the table and started flipping through it.

Duo followed Heero into the bathroom and closed the door. "Wait," he said, leaning against the door. He was breathing way too fast. This was not good. He looked at the scissors. Shit, he was going to faint.

"Calm down," said Heero. "It's just hair."

"No, it's not! It's my hair! It's the only thing that's been with me through everything, from the streets to the church to Deathscythe to now. It's all I have."

"It is not all you have." Heero put his hand on his shoulder and leaned close to him. Duo stared into his deep and strong Prussian blue eyes. Time seemed to stop as Heero whispered, "You have me."

"Seriously?" Duo breathed.

"No, I'm just trying to get you to get it over with. Come here." Heero snapped the scissors threateningly.

"No!" Duo half-turned and grabbed the doorknob.

"You want to do this, you're just stalling. It doesn't change who you are, and Sister Helen, if such a person exists anymore, is quite aware of your devotion. As soon as you get rid of your physical attachment, you'll realize that it was meaningless anyway."

Duo held his braid and said quietly, "But it's so pretty."

"When you were fifteen, it was weird. Now it makes you look deranged. Come on."

"Oh, look who's talking about deranged. I didn't run around in spandex and ugly sneakers for two years." Duo picked a hair band off of the sink counter and secured the top of the braid. "I can keep it, right?"

"You can sleep with it, for all I care."

Duo stood in front of the mirror, took a deep breath, and squeezed his eyes shut. He felt Heero hold the braid firmly, felt the scissors cut through each individual hair with a cold, metallic sound. He winced. Heero made another cut, and another, and then handed him the three-foot length of braid, now dead and lonely. Duo opened his eyes to see the mirror. Longer sections of hair fell around his face and over his ears, stuck around shorter sections that tangled into each other. His bangs seemed to have taken on volume and to be weighing down his head. His ears looked huge. "This is not going to work," he said. "This is a disaster. Oh, fuck, this is not going to work. This is terrible, this is unnatural, this is disgusting…"

"Wufei!" Heero yelled. "Beer, stat!"

The door opened a crack and a beer appeared. Heero took it and handed it to Duo, who popped the top and took a long, grateful drink. "Thanks, man."

Heero gave one curt nod. "Now what?"

"Um." Duo ran his fingers up through the remaining hair on the back of his head. "Cut it some more?"

Heero shrugged and went to work.

A little later, the three of them showed up outside Trowa's hotel room. Duo was wearing a ball cap and a jacket with the collar turned up, and carrying what was left of the case of beer. Heero was still carrying the scissors. Wufei was quietly sipping his beer. Duo pounded on the door with his free hand. "Get you clothes on guys, we're coming in and Wufei's a virgin!"

"I've been married twice," said Wufei mildly.

"Nevermind, you can keep your clothes off," Duo said to the door.

It opened to reveal Trowa, wearing tight jeans and absolutely nothing over his tight abs. "What?"

"Wow, I didn't know I was serious. Well, anyway, let us in!" Duo pushed past him with the beer and set it next to Trowa's fridge. The room was exactly like Duo's, but without the clothes thrown all over the chairs and floor, and without the pile of balled up potato chip bags by the trash can. "Hey, Quatre."

Quatre was sitting on the bed, wearing his khakis with the usual pink button-up shirt conspicuously missing, a white t-shirt in its place. A careful survey of the room revealed the pink shirt half-hidden under a pillow. The newcomers politely said nothing. Quatre, blushing slightly, said, "Hi, Duo. Hi, guys. Have a seat. Can I get you anything?"

"Do you have any pretzels?" asked Wufei.

"I need a favor," said Duo. He took the hat off. "Fix it."

Quatre and Trowa stared. "Oh, Duo!" said Quatre. "What happened?"

"Cut it off," said Duo. "But I made the mistake of letting the demon barber here do it, so now I need someone to fix it."

"What did you use, a machete?" asked Trowa. He stepped closer to Duo and touched a few jagged pieces of hair.

"It's, um, it looks…good," said Quatre.

Duo frowned. "Just fix it, okay? I'm already upset, and I don't want to walk around looking like I let Heero cut my hair, which is exactly what happened."

Heero shrugged. "You asked me to."

"Well, you shouldn't have done it. You know I'm a dumb-ass."

"You're right," said Wufei. "I've been trying for years to remind you that every decision you make is wrong."

"And I appreciate that," said Duo, "but why, just this once, couldn't you have made me listen to you?"

"Trowa's very good at hair," said Quatre. "He'll fix it."

"Why don't you ever let me do yours?" Trowa asked him.

Quatre ran a hand through his shaggy blond mop. "I like my hair."

Trowa looked at Heero as if to say, "Do you see what I have to deal with," but Heero didn't, so it was futile. Quatre picked a small t-shirt off the floor from the other side of the bed and threw it at Trowa, who caught it and pulled it over his head.

"Come on," said Trowa, pulling the bottom of his shirt down. The five of them crowded into

the bathroom. Wufei sat on the edge of the bathtub and Heero sat on the toilet lid. Duo stood in front of the mirror, with Trowa behind him and Quatre to the side.

"Um, wow," said Wufei, resting his beer on his knee and looking around.

Quatre giggled.

"Holy shit," said Duo. "Hilde doesn't even have this much stuff." They all stared at the beauty shop array on the sink counter. There were bottles, spray cans, tubes, brushes, and even a few scary-looking sharp objects. Duo picked up a round container of wax. "Ouch, man."

"Don't touch," said Trowa. He looked at Duo in the mirror. "I guess we can start with trimming it."

"If you start painting his nails, I am out of here," said Wufei. Quatre reached among the bottles and pulled out a small, clear container with a tall black lid and handed it to Wufei. "Nail polish?" Wufei asked incredulously. He leaned backward and stared at Trowa. "You paint your nails?"

"It's to protect them, it's not…painting them." But it looked almost as if there was a touch of redness on his cheeks.

"Damn!" said Duo, grabbing Trowa's hand and staring at his nails. "I can see my reflection in these things!"

Quatre bit his lip and tried not to smile. Heero smirked.

Trowa snatched his hand away. "I'm not going to help you if—"

"Is that perfume?" asked Wufei. He was morbidly fascinated.

"It's cologne," said Trowa.

"It smells very good," said Quatre. "It's very manly." Then he realized that he'd just admitted to liking manly scents, and blushed and looked up at the ceiling.

Duo sprayed one of the bottles and sniffed enthusiastically. "Yeah, I would do a guy who smelled like that."

Wufei coughed as the cloud of scent reached him.

"Will you cut it out?" Trowa said to Duo. "I'm going to waste enough product on you as it is."

"Did you just say 'product'? Dude, new drinking game. Drink every time Trowa does something gay."

Wufei and Heero tipped their cans up. Trowa walked out of the bathroom. The boys looked at each other.

"Aw," said Duo. "I guess I was a little rough."

"Are you kidding me?" said Wufei. "Look at this place. He deserves it."

"And it's funny as hell," said Heero.

"It is pretty funny," said Quatre. Then he turned serious. "But I feel bad."

Duo sighed and looked in the mirror. "Now what am I going to do?"

"Trowa!" Wufei yelled. "We're sorry! Your knowledge of beauty products makes us feel insecure!"

"Trowa, I'm sorry!" said Duo. "I mean, I'm the one getting my hair done here, so I guess I'm taking my anxiety out on you. Please, I really need your help."

"Will you leave my stuff alone?" Trowa called.

"Yeah, I swear, I'm not touching anything else. Unless I have your permission."

Trowa came back into the bathroom. He glared at Quatre. "You're next."

"Okay," said Quatre meekly. Then he started to laugh again and he quickly covered his mouth with his hand.

Trowa sighed and eyed Duo's head critically. "Let's get to work."

Scenes from a Vengeful Hair-cut

Duo gasped and coughed as Trowa held his head under the faucet in the bathtub. "Let me up!" he sputtered.

Trowa smiled.

The overhead light glinted off a pair of sharp, delicate scissors as Trowa held them up before Duo's eyes.

Duo gulped. "Um. Actually, I think it's growing on me. I think it will be fine how it is."

"Nonsense," said Trowa softly as he opened and closed the scissors. "We've already started."

Wufei and Heero shrank away and drank their beers. Quatre hoped Duo wouldn't scream loud enough to worry the hotel staff.

"Ouch!" Duo tried to lean away from the heat of the blow dryer singing his scalp.

"Hold still," said Trowa calmly.

"Mm," said Duo as Trowa worked a thick glob of wax through his hair. "Coconut. Man, now I'm hungry."

"I think Trowa has some carrot sticks," said Quatre.

"Fuck that, now I want one of those Girl Scout cookies with the chocolate and the coconut. You know what I'm talking about? The ones…"

"Yeah, Samoas," said Wufei.

"I'm working here," said Trowa. The others honored him with silence. Trowa globbed up a few individual spikes of hair and frowned slightly. Quatre resisted the urge to cry with the joy of watching an artist at work. Duo closed his eyes and resisted the urge to think about anything beyond Girl Scout cookies.

"Okay," said Trowa. "Now the eyebrows."

"The what? Oh no, no, no." Duo covered the threatened eyebrows with his hand. "No, absolutely not."

Trowa held up the open jar of hot wax with one hand and a wooden applicator with the other.

"Fuck," said Duo.

"This is great," said Heero quietly.

"This is frightening, but I can't leave," said Wufei.

"I'm going to go do something else," said Quatre. He left the room. He couldn't stand to see people in pain.

Finally, Trowa said, "Quatre, you can come back! It's finished!"

Quatre came in tentatively, then relaxed when he saw Duo, unharmed, staring at himself in the mirror. "It looks good," he said.

"Are you kidding me?" said Duo, turning his head and looking at himself out of the corners of his eyes. "I look like a fucking model. Except for the red around my eyebrows."

"That'll go away soon," said Trowa. Then he said to himself, "I'm a miracle worker."

"Of course you are!" said Quatre, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. "And you didn't kill him!"

"I mean, I was good-looking before, but now…Hey, Wufei, I guess Sally's at home by herself tonight?"

Wufei glared at him. "You don't deserve the mercy we've shown you."

Duo shrugged. "I'm serious guys, we have to go out now. I have to show this off."

"Can I line your eyes?" Trowa asked.

"For goodness' sake, Trowa," Quatre muttered.

"You won't be able to tell you're wearing anything, it'll just make your eyes stand out."

"Well…" Duo studied himself some more. "Okay."

"I'm seriously leaving now." Wufei stood up but in doing so realized that he was kinda drunk and would probably knock over a couple gallons of conditioner if he tried to get out.

"Wait, Wufei, you're still going out with us, right? I need average people to stand next to and look better than!" protested Duo.

"Hold still and close your eyes," said Trowa, uncapping his eyeliner and leaning in close to Duo's face.

"Your boyfriend is totally gay," Heero said to Quatre.

"Um, yeah," said Quatre. "I had noticed that."

"Shut up, this is gonna help me get laid," said Duo, careful not to move too much as Trowa lightly brushed the pencil over his eyelids. Finishing, Trowa took a step back, surveyed his work, and nodded.

"Laid by what?" asked Heero.

"Who gives a shit?" said Duo. "I appreciate human beauty in all its forms. Especially Asian." He looked at Heero. "You're still not interested."

"No," said Heero flatly.

Wufei took out his phone. "Uh, I think my wife just called. I have to… go… not with you…"

"Pfft, whatever, Fei-Baby, tell your hot wife to meet us there. Let's go, boys! To the bar!" Duo pushed them out of the bathroom.

Trowa put his hand on Quatre's shoulder. "Your turn."

"Um…" Quatre looked away nervously. "I don't…think we have time…"

Trowa held up the eyeliner. "This won't hurt a bit," he whispered.