The Vampire Diaries
"A million words wouldn't bring you back, I know because I've tried.
Neither would a million tears, I know because I've cried."
Caroline sat on the doorstep of the Gilbert family's newest residence, with a bottle of whisky clutched firmly in her hand. It was very unlike her to be daydrunk, but then again, it was never her thing to cope with grieving people either. Elena was a mess, so was Jeremy, so was Stefan and even Alaric seemed to have a hard time holding it together. Somehow, everyone believed that she, Caroline Forbes of all people, would be the only one not to break down, because she almost never did. But, boy, were they wrong. They all seemed to forget that she, too, had lost loved ones. Ones, as in two persons, as in Bonnie… and Damon. Caroline hated to admit it, but she did cry over the both of them. Over Bonnie, because Caroline never noticed what her friend was trying to do before it was too late. Because Bonnie sacrificed herself yet again, to make sure everyone would be safe and sound - everyone except herself. Caroline truly believed she would never be able forgive herself for not caring about Bonnie enough. All she'd done when Bonnie was dying was shout to her about Stefan, only caring about him - just like Elena had only cared about Damon. If someone ever decided to organize a contest to find 'the worst best friends in history', both Elena and Caroline deserved to win.
As for Damon … Caroline never really liked his cocky ass in the first place. Sure he had abused her, toyed around with her, killed more people than she could count and was a first class jerk but still, he had been there whenever they'd needed him and somehow managed to save the day over and over again. He even fucking saved her mom in his last moments of existence. She would never be able to forgive him about that. And she would never forgive him for failing to return to the land of the living either.
"Dham it, you asshole," Caroline shouted as she flung her bottle of whisky away. It hit the ground a few yards in front of her and shattered into a thousand pieces.
"You are lucky that thàt was just cheap bottle of whisky," a voice coming from behind her said. Caroline looked over her shoulder and stared straight up at Alaric, who was holding a glass of bourbon. Of course. Bourbon. She sighed: "I'm sorry. I'll buy you a new one. As soon as I can get my purse – which I left at Mystic Falls and I cannot get hold of right now and..." Caroline made a sound like an annoyed cat.
"Well, someone is having a problem," Alaric's mouth smiled, but his eyes didn't. He offered Caroline his glass of bourbon, which she gladly took and emptied at once.
She sighed, straightened her back, put a smile on her face and looked at her former history teacher with glee: "No, seriously, I am fine. I am over it." To put strength behind those words, she firmly put her empty glass down beside her – and broke it.
Alaric smirked: "Do you really believe that yourself?"
Caroline frowned: "No, but I'll pretend to believe that. Because, you know…" Her voice trailed off. Alaric nodded anyways: "Yeah, I know Caroline. I know… because the alternative is too damn depressing."
It took Caroline several minutes to realize that he had actually paraphrased Damon. "You know," Caroline said, "maybe we should stop talking and acting like Damon Salvatore, before we become assholes ourselves. And besides, we won't ever be able to accept that he got his sorry ass killed when we can't stop talking about him."
"Amen to that." Both Caroline and Alaric looked up by the sound of that voice. It was Stefan's.
"Look who's eavesdropping," Caroline teased as she smiled faintly at Stefan. She started to feel guilty once again, as she just called Damon an asshole – twice. And Stefan had heard all of it.
Stefan… Her best friend had been mute for days after Damon died and his silent behavior had turned into a deep depressions the weeks afterwards. Whatever Caroline told him, didn't help. Nor Elena, nor Alaric could get through to him. Caroline had always chosen her words carefully when she spoke of Stefan's late brother, in order not to provoke him, but it didn't matter anyways. No words could fill the huge hole Damon Salvatore had left in his baby brothers heart. And now, finally, after all this time, Stefan decided to talk about Damon. Because Caroline had called him an asshole – something she prevented to do for months.
But contrary to what she expected, her best friend was not angry at her because of that. Instead, he was smiling at her. Smiling!
"He's finally gone insane," Alaric whispered to Caroline as he watched Stefan.
"Stefan?" Caroline started carefully. She stood up and grabbed him by the shoulders. "You okay?"
"Yeah Care, I am fine," he said, but she could hear the sarcastic undertone in his voice. Caroline gave him a pitiful look and pulled him in a tight hug. "Tell me that again tomorrow, maybe I'll believe you then," she whispered in his ear. She felt Stefan relax as he hugged her back.
"Yeah, maybe you should too. We'll tell each other that we're fine tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that … until we both believe we are."
"Stefan Salvatore, you just made a Bonnie Bennet reference!" Caroline accused him, "We agreed that we would not do that anymore!"
"Fine," Stefan put his hands in the air in surrender, "and let's agree that you are no longer - never ever - allowed to talk about Damon as if you really liked him. You can call him an asshole if you want, you know?"
Caroline's jaw dropped and she turned a bit red: "I didn't-"
But Stefan interrupted her: "It's fine Care, because that's what he was- an asshole. And I loved him for it." He sighed and looked from Caroline to Alaric and back.
"You know, I decided to follow my brothers dearest advice and leave shady Stefan behind. I'm done being depressed. But that doesn't mean I'll just forget about Damon – or Bonnie for that matter. Maybe… maybe we should just talk about them. About their good sides, and – in Damons case – about their bad sides as well. Laugh about the good times we had together and cry because we miss them, instead of trying to ignore the fact that they ever existed – that didn't work out anyway."
When Caroline nor Alaric replied, Stefan cocked his head and clapped his hands: "How about I tell you guys how Damon became an asshole in the first place?" He looked expectantly at the both of them. Caroline was to stunned to answer – she didn't understand Stefan's sudden change of behavior. So it was Alaric who answered: "You know, I think I am drunk enough to listen to that story!"
He struggled to his feet and grabbed Caroline by the shoulder: "Come on Caroline, let's fetch you another bottle of cheap booze." Stefan nodded and went inside the house. Alaric pushed Caroline towards the door, but she hesitated.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" she hissed.
"I don't know, but we can try. At least he is talking, which is a good beginning. We'll see, maybe it'll end in tears and shouting and hating each other, but it might as well work," Alaric replied quietly. Caroline had to admit that he had a point and she calmed down a bit.
"Fine," she gave in and followed Stefan inside. When she entered the living room, she was greeted by Elena and Jeremy. He was sitting in the sofa by the fireplace and his sister was cuddled up beside him. They were looking at old photographs. Caroline's vampire eyes could spot a picture of herself, Elena and Bonnie in their matching cheerleader outfits, which was taken only 2 years ago. But to Caroline, it felt like a lifetime away.
"Hey guys," Caroline began. The Gilberts looked up to her and Elena even managed a smile. Caroline knew how hard is was for her to smile these days – as in genuinely smile.
"Hey Care, nice of you to join us today. I know you aren't a big fan of our gatherings," Elena told her.
'Our gatherings' is what Elena calls their monthly meetings. They've been having them ever since they had to leave Mystic Falls – ever since the night Bonnie and Damon were lost. Because they do not live together anymore, not in the same village. Elena and Alaric moved into an old house at the edge of Durham, the city were Duke's university is located. Jeremy lives with them during the weekends, but as he still had to go to school and didn't not want to drop out of Mystic Falls high, he stays with Matt and Tyler during the week. Caroline herself had moved in to her dad's old remote cabin that she restored along with Stefan after part of it burned down because of Enzo. After her mother recovered from her injuries at the hospital, she came to live with Caroline for a while – before returning to work. Stefan himself moved in with her as well, because Caroline had insisted and because he had nowhere else to go. Sometimes, he drove of for days, or even week, on that motorcycle of his – but he always returned. Caroline knew that, so she didn't question his behavior a lot.
Because of the fact that all of them weren't together as often as they would, they decided to organize meetings. At the end of every month, they would come together – to check up on each other and to exchange stories. But most of the time, their gatherings turned into mourning parties for all the people they'd lost – and in particular for Bonnie and Damon. The second time they came together, Caroline had kind of lashed out at Elena for being a bad friend to Bonnie and ever since, the relationship between the two of them was a bit awkward. Elena had been offended, although deep inside she realized that everything Caroline had said to her was true, and Caroline felt guilty because she couldn't get along with her long time bestie anymore. The fact that Stefan seemed to confide more in Elena than Caroline also strained the relationship between both girls. Caroline would never say it out loud, but it made her jealous – and she still couldn't quite figure out why. That's why Elena started to get the impression that Caroline did not appreciate her company, which wasn't true.
"Nah, I'm fine, you know. It's good to see you guys again!" Caroline got the shivers when she noticed that Elena didn't really believe that she was being honest. "Really Elena, I mean that," she added.
"Yeah, yeah of course," Elena averted her gaze and stared at the picture of the two of them and Bonnie. Caroline wanted to say something more, to make really sure that her friend knew that she'd meant what she'd said, but was interrupted by Alaric.
"Here you go," he told Caroline when he pushed a bottle of whisky in her hands. He threw another one at Jeremy: "You can share with your sister, and I'll share with Stefan."
"Why do I need to drink on my own?" Caroline protested.
"Because we already had more than you did, as you decided that is was a good idea to smash your other bottle to pieces before you even drunk half of it."
Caroline shrugged: "Guilty." She opened the bottle and gulped a part of it down.
"What exactly are we going to do?" Jeremy asked in bewilderment.
"Well," Caroline announced happily, "We are going to exchange stories! And Stefan decided he'd start, right?" The latter nodded: "I did."
"Hold on a second," Elena leaned forward and the photographs on her lap fell on the ground," What kind of stories do you mean?"
"About anyone you like to tell a story about!" Caroline explained.
"And mine is about Damon," Stefan added.
"No, no, I don't think I want to –" Elena made and attempt to stand up, but Jeremy grabbed her by the back of her shirt and pulled her back onto the sofa.
"Na-ah. You are sitting this one through. Enough moping around," he declared.
"You have nothing to say over me," Elena told him.
"Remember the last time when you made me tell you stories about Bonnie against my will until I broke down, because you believed it was inhuman of me because I didn't cry all day after she died? Consider this payback," Jeremy shot back.
Reluctantly, Elena leaned back in the sofa: "I am not a fan of this idea, but fine. Just, don't turn this in a Damon-bashing moment, because I'm not in the mood."
Stefan frowned and looked at her in disbelief: "Why would I ever want to talk bad about my brother, when you know that he died trying to save me?"
"Because I heard you and them (she gestured at Alaric and Caroline) talking about what an asshole he was. Sure, that's not talking bad about him?" Elena spat.
"Here we go again," Alaric rolled his eyes. Caroline knew why. Every time they were together, this happened. They started to fight each other for no good reason, but somehow Bonnie and Damon where always the subject. Caroline made a mental note to herself to add "being the point of discussion every time" as a reason why she should kick Damon and Bonnies asses if she'd ever get the opportunity to do so.
"Yeah, Elena, I'll tell you about my brother and why he was a first class, seemingly selfish, annoying jerk. But maybe you should just listen to the story, as it might turn out to be very different from what you expect to hear," Stefan pointed out.
"Come on, Elena, give him a chance," Alaric begged her.
"Sure," she said, but everyone could see that she still wasn't convinced.
"Alright then," Stefan announced as he drank from his shared bottle of bourbon, "So this is the story of how my late brother became the lying, annoying, mischievous ass that he was."
"It all began when we were still humans. First thing you should know about Damon is that he was a free spirit. He always did whatever he wanted, whenever he felt like it. When we were young, he was always the one who dirtied his clothes, played with the low born kids although my father told him not to, often came home with bruises because he fell out of a tree and was always in for an adventure. He never really listened to other people's advice, because he believed he was clever enough to figure out what to do himself. And most of the time, he actually managed to pull things of by following his own instinct."
"I'm not surprised to hear that," Alaric smiled, as he took the bottle of bourbon from Stefan.
Stefan nodded and continued: "My father never liked that about him. Why would he? He had a son who did nothing he ever asked him to do, and yet that kid managed to charm everyone and was genuinely liked."
Jeremy snorted, which earned him a blow to the head from Elena.
"Yes, he was, Jer. Although it seems hard to believe. You know, he might have been a solo rider, he always looked out for people he cared about. My mother once told me that, after I was born, he stubbornly refused to leave me alone whenever no one else was around. He told her that 'someone needed to protect the little guy, as babies cannot take care of themselves and all that babies could do was cry and be annoying. And being annoying never helped anyone anyway.'"
"He really said that?" Caroline laughed, "I would have told him that like every time he made a snarky comment."
"Yeah, you're right, you should have. Something I can add to the list we never told him," Stefan sighed. He looked around at the others, all of them seemed all ears. Even Elena, whose face was hard to read at the moment.
"Anyway, his attitude always got him into trouble. And me as well – because I had fun tagging along everywhere Damon went. And somehow, my brother always got away with everything he did. One night, we snuck out of our room and he set the curtains of the living room on fire and he lied himself out of it."
"Let me guess, by blaming it on you?" Jeremy wondered aloud.
"No, no he actually never blame anything he did on me at that time. Most of the time, it was the other way around. Whenever I did something wrong, he took the blame, because he knew he could get away with it."
"I recognize that," Elena remarked. She looked Stefan in the eye and smiled gently. That was her way of saying sorry for the remarks she made earlier.
"But everything changed when our mother got sick. She was the one who took care of us. Our father was never there, always busy with his so called 'business' – which turned out to be scaring vampires away and plotting against everyone he didn't like. So of course, it was always my mother who forgave Damon for his stupidities or pretended not to notice that it was actually me who was guilty of everything that happened. I once shaved a part of the cats hair with my dad's barber knife and I am sure she saw that I did it, and yet she pretended to believe Damon as he 'confessed' to her that he'd done it 'because he felt like it was fun'."
"Sounds like something he would say," Alaric laughed.
"Yeah, well… The moment mom got sick, everything changed. She wasn't there to take care of us anymore. And my father didn't care either. I was like – 7 years old when she fell ill. That made Damon 12 years old. And it was my brother, not anybody else, who took care of me. He woke me up in the morning, made sure I was dressed properly – at least to his standards. That was a pretty sight, but then again, what 12 year old should take care of his younger brother. But it was fun in the beginning. Damon had a great time bossing me around. He'd often command me to do everything he liked. 'You should clean up that mess Stefan', 'Here, you can eat my sprouts, I don't like them, Stefan' and things like that."
"That's not very nice of him," Caroline remarked.
"No, it wasn't, but he was a kid. And he always liked to be bossy. It suited him well, and although I didn't always like him for being my personal chaperone, I needed him. I didn't realize it at the time, but if he hadn't taken care of me, my mother's sickness would have hit me a lot harder than it did. And I would have probably starved to dead," Stefan joked and he readjusted himself in the sofa.
"And then, the day my mother died came. I do not remember everything that happened after she passed away, except that I cried a lot and couldn't really understand why she didn't show up after I called her name. Damon, on the other hand, never shed a tear. I was angry at him for a long time because he didn't, I never understood why. It was only when I was a lot older that it dawned on me that, during those months in which my mother was ill, Damon already knew what was coming. He had accepted her death before she even died. He grieved on his own, away from my eyes, because he never wanted me to see him like that. I was too young to realize it at the moment."
Silence fell as Stefan sighed and took another shot of bourbon.
"So, at my mother's funeral, my dad came to us. Frankly, as far as I remember it was the first time he ever spoke to me. And you know what he told me? He told me that I should stop crying, that crying was something little children did and that I wasn't a little child anymore." Stefan snorted and added: "You might believe that Damon was an ass, but his attitude wasn't even a bleak shadow of my father's attitude."
"But Damon always said that you were your fathers favorite son," Elena whispered, "Why would he be so harsh to you?"
"Because my father was the personification of the word asshole, Elena," Stefan explained, "but I never thought of him like that at that time. He was the only parent I had left. He was very strict, proud and had a lot of rules, but I followed them blindly. What would you have done as an 8 year old? That's why my dad warmed up to me. He wasn't a very caring man, but I think that with me, he was rather nice. Damon on the other hand…" Stefan smirked, "Damon couldn't care less of what my father thought. The man was never there, never had been, so my brother figured my dad could hang himself for his sake – he didn't care. So Damon remained Damon in everything he did – free spirited. And my father hated him for it. One night, I was crying in my bed once again, and my father heard it. He told me to shut up and started jelling at me. Damon came to my defense, told me father that 'the pot calls the kettle black'. You see, my father occasionally locked himself up in the attic. I never noticed, but Damon did. My father held a portrait of my mother there and he used to drink a lot while talking to her image."
"I guess your dad didn't take it very well when Damon told him that," Alaric asked.
"No. That night, after Damon stopped shouting, my father let him walk away – just like that. Three days later, Damon fell of the stairs and broke his shoulder. An accident, my father had said. I beg to differ. Again – I didn't know at that time, but if became clear as the years progressed. More often than not, Damon would show up with a black eye, a bruised wrist or … you know what I mean. He told me he was accident prone, but…"
Elena shook her head. Jeremy leaned forward: "But everything you told doesn't really fit in the idea of Damon being a first class asshole."
"No, because he wasn't really like that until then. His attitude worsened after he broke his shoulder though. Instead of ignoring my father's commands, he started to rebel. It came to a peak on my 13th birthday. My father didn't show up at dinner that evening. I was disappointed, as I expected a surprise or something like that – I was pretty naïve. Damon decided that he'd had enough and went to the attic. Of course my dad was there, staring at that painting. I followed Damon upstairs, I heard them yelling at each other, I saw how my father burned Damon on his arm with his cigar. I interfered, tried to help my brother, but my dad pushed me aside. I hit my head against a heavy armoire, and I blacked out. I woke up 2 days later with a severe concussion. I'm glad I never witnessed what happened after I fell. Apparently, Damon set the painting in the attic on fire, dragged me downstairs and called a housemaid for help. My father, drunk as he was, wasn't able to follow him until he sobered up a bit. He found me with Damon and the maid by my bedside. They both felt my father's wrath. Damon was bound to his bed for 4 weeks after that night, due to internal bleedings. And the maid that'd helped me… well, 9 months later she gave birth to a baby boy."
Both Elena and Caroline put their hands in front of their mouths and Jeremy and Alaric looked disgusted.
"The relationship between Damon and my dad went even more downhill from then on. But eventually, they started to ignore each other. And that solved a lot of problems. The fact that the painting burned up, was a good thing too."
"Why?" Elena asked cautiously.
"Well, another reason why my father couldn't stand Damon's presence was that he was a walking, talking reminder of my mother. He had her curly, dark hair and her striking blue eyes and above all, that smirk of his... Besides, from what people told me, my mother was just like Damon – personality-wise."
"So leaving your dad alone was the best thing Damon ever did? Your dad really hated him because he looked like her?" Alaric concluded.
"Indeed, but staying out of my father's way also meant Damon had to take care of himself. So he often stole money to buy food, he lied his way out of everything he did so my dad wouldn't find out. He lied for me as well, as it was his worst fear that I would end up at the bottom of the stairs one day, just like him. He became mischievous, developed a dark side and hid his emotions from everyone. He became the person you all know him to be, minus the fangs and the killing. He was a clever lair, always had a plan for everything, acted like a jerk to everyone he cared about so no one would notice how he really felt, always took the blame for everything that went wrong and above all, he acted impulsively to protect the persons he cared about and without considering the consequences. Every part of his personality became heightened after he transitioned to a vampire. And thus you get a first class asshole, who was hated by a lot of people and believe me – he never deserved that."
After a few moments of deafening silence, Elena asked: "Why did you never tell anyone about this?"
"Because I don't think it makes up for every horrible thing Damon ever did. And because he would have killed me if I ever told anyone."
"Sure," Jeremy agreed, "but, it kind of makes me understand him more. Maybe I should have…"
"It's no use crying over spilt milk, Jeremy. Don't dwell on the thing you've ever said to Damon, because most of the time, he didn't even care. I just wanted to explain to you why, after all the things he has ever done, I was always able to forgive him. Because I always kept in mind what happened back in the 19th century."
"Yeah well," Caroline said while she put her bottle of whisky away, "Perhaps I should reconsider my judgment on your brother." She smiled at Stefan, who smiled back.
"You know, it felt good, talking about him. I feel less empty inside," he remarked.
"That sounds very philosophical," Alaric declared, "but I get what you're trying to say."
All eyes drifted towards Elena and Jeremy, both of whom remained utterly silent.
"You guys are still alive, aren't you?" Caroline asked, a little worried.
Elena blinked a couple of times, leaned over and picked up one of the fallen photographs. It was a picture of a six year old Bonnie, who was standing next to a little Elena and an even tinnier Jeremy.
"Shall I tell you about the first time Bonnie kissed Jeremy?" she demanded. Her proposal was greeted with a smile from the others.
When Elena started to talk, everything suddenly felt like old times. For the first time in 5 months, they felt like friends again. And deep inside, everyone knew that, how long it make take, they would be fine.