A/N: Funny story, the original plot of this was really fluffy. I don't really know how this happened...
I don't own Austin & Ally and I hope you guys enjoy this! Please review!
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
~ Anaïs Nin
She gets the acceptance letter two days after they start dating.
She's running into his arms and she's going on about how this is huge and all he can think about is that this is the end of what was supposed to be their time together.
He smiles along to what she's saying, but he's taking none of it in.
She's leaving him.
Everything fucking hurts.
"Two weeks," she says slowly as she hides her head in his chest.
He wonders if she can feel his heart break, because every time she reminds him when she's leaving, he feels it break into millions of tiny pieces. She's leaving him behind to focus on herself which is amazing for her and well deserved, but he still wants to be selfish and ask her to stay with him here in Miami.
"Two weeks and the best thing in your life will happen," he says and he hopes she doesn't hear how sad she is.
She can't just turn down MUNY, because it's been her dream since as long as he's known her. His dream at first was to play at Times Square, but that quickly changed to having a happily ever after with Ally. But they're not getting it, because long distance relationships suck and they decided it would be best if they don't give it a chance.
"That already happened the day I met you," she says sadly and he pushes her closer into him, holding onto her for his dear life. He can't let her go.
She can't leave him.
"You say the word and I'll stay, okay?" she says, six days before she's supposed to be leaving.
He quickly turns around and pauses the movie they were watching. He looks at her with a confused expression and he can see she's deadly serious about this.
All he can manage to say is, "What?"
"You heard me. If you want me to stay, say something, because I need to hear you tell me," she leans closer to him. "I'm having my doubts about this whole trip, and I know that if I hear you actually ask me to stay, it will make everything so much easier."
"I can't do that Ally," he says quietly, almost a whisper. As much as he wants to (he really wants to) he can't do that to her, or her career.
"Oh," she pulls away and leans back to the chair, farther away from him than before. He's sure he fucked everything up somehow.
"As much as I want to be able to keep you here in Miami and stay in the practise room writing songs, and be able to go to you whenever I like just so I can hold you, or kiss you, I'm not letting you stay," he places his hand on her cheek and tries to smile. "You're Ally fucking Dawson, you deserve this. MUNY doesn't happen to everyone, but them personally picking you? That's an even bigger deal. You can't blow this."
"But I want to stay here with you," she says, a tear escaping her eyes.
"I'll always come visit you," he says as he squeezes her shoulders gently.
"That's not going to be the same," she sighs and he can't help but let a single tear fall, because even though he knows it's not manly, he's in so much pain.
He never thought he'd see the day that Allyson Dawson broke his heart.
"Why are we giving up so easily?" he asks, the night before she's leaving.
Team Austin had planned on having a huge sleepover as a goodbye, but he somehow managed to get both Trish and Dez to cancel. He needed to be alone with Ally for one last night. So instead of listening to music and watching movies like the original plan was, they're sitting on the roof of her house watching the night sky, hand in hand.
"Because long distance will ruin anything we've ever had," she sighs and says it like it's all she's been saying. She probably has in her mind, because he has been too.
"I wish time would just stay still, for just a little while longer," he lies down and she follows him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I wish we didn't have to grow up."
"I think a part of us never will," she says slowly. "We'll all still have our fifteen year old selves in our hearts. I'll still be the socially awkward girl, Dez will always be the film nerd, Trish will always be the girl in control and you'll always be the easy going and carefree guy everyone loves."
He wants to say something, but he really doesn't know how to reply to that. It's comforting in a way, to know that they'll always have each other and still have that special bond. They stay sitting in a comfortable silence with each other, his hand playing with the strands of her hair and her counting the stars.
He has to say it. He didn't believe in the word 'love' because they're both so young. But he knows that if he lets her go without saying it, he'll regret it for the rest of his life.
"Ally, I…" he begins to say and she turns to look at him.
"Don't say anything, this night is perfect as it is," she closes her eyes and his heart drops.
They stay in silence for about ten minutes, until he notices Ally is asleep. He takes off his purple hoodie and gently wraps it around her bare arms. They weren't supposed to end up sleeping here, but it's too dangerous for him to carry her back into the house and he doesn't want to wake her because he thinks she looks really cute when she sleeps. Her pale skin glistening from the stars is something he will never forget. She looks even more beautiful than ever, which is something he always says, but he thinks he truly means it now. He leans in closer to her, presses a light kiss on her forehead and smiles.
"I love you Ally," he whispers and lays down on the roof, closes his eyes and tries to get to sleep, even though he knows it's going to be a long night. He's freezing, he's really uncomfortable and his mind thinks that's it's an amazing time to start thinking about their future, or to be more exact, if they'll have one.
A part of him wishes she heard what he just said as it might make her want to stay.
She's really going.
He watched as she packed her bags in shock, not wanting to believe she was really going. One hot make out session later, they walk hand in hand to Sonic Boom, to meet Trish and Dez. She's wearing his hoodie from last night and even though it's his favourite one, he's not saying anything. She's already holding in the tears, so he knows that he'll probably cry like a baby. They arrive ten minutes early, and they're the only people in there because Lester closed the store, since his baby girl was leaving. Even Ally didn't see that coming.
She lets a tear fall from her eye and he automatically places his hand on her cheek, wiping the tear away softly. "We have so many memories in here," she says and tries to smile.
"Remember when you got me all orange and sweaty?" he chuckles.
"That was all your fault!" she laughs along too and takes his hand in hers. "Let's go,"
He knows exactly where they're heading. The practise room. The light mood they managed to keep suddenly leaves and it's replaced by the sudden realisation that it's the last time they're going to be alone here for a long time. Everything's changing and they're growing up.
"Take good care of this place," she says as she sits at the piano. "I'll be back to inspect it before you know it."
He smiles to himself and joins her. "Think we have time to play a song before we have to meet Trish and Dez?"
She nods and starts to play a familiar tune. It's the first sing they ever wrote together. He smiles and begins to sing along with her.
Come on and take a chance, make a stand
And break, break, break down the walls!(1)
Her fingers brush against his and even though it has happened to them thousands of times, his cheeks flush and he pulls away awkwardly. They're surrounded by silence again, but it's because they're taking each other in, like they're trying to preserve the memory of each other.
"I meant it you know," she breaks the silence.
"What?" he's brought out of his thoughts and looks at her, confused.
"I meant what I said. I'll stay if you tell me to," she says and he realises that he hates this girl. He hates how she's putting him in charge of her destiny, how if their relationship doesn't work out because he told her to go he'll be to blame.
He scratches the back of his head awkwardly and tries his best to look alright. "We should go meet Dez and Trish, they're probably waiting for us."
They walk out of the room in silence, hand in hand. This isn't the way he wanted her last day in Miami to be like, but a lot of things haven't been turning out what the way he wanted them to. Trish and Dez are already waiting for them, standing at the drums. He hears Trish saying something about slamming his face into the drum set and it's the first time he laughs that day.
He's sitting in the background, as she says her goodbyes to her friends. He can't bring himself to watch it, it hurts too much. The original plan was for him to go to the airport with her, but Lester made a strong case against both of the teenagers, so he's waiting on the counter for his turn.
When she's finally got Dez to stop hugging her, he notices Lester pulls up outside the shop. He jumps down and wraps his arms around Ally. He's crying now and he doesn't give a damn what everyone will think of him, because he's losing her. He pulls her in for one last kiss and he never wants to let go. Normally they're uncomfortable showing any signs of romance in front of her father, but he doesn't care about that right now. All he cares about is the girl in front of him, the one who is leaving. When they pull apart, she smiles at him. He wants to say it, he has to say it.
"Ally, I.."
"Here's your hoodie back," she says and takes it off.
"I don't care about that, you can keep it," he shrugs, a little annoyed she keeps interrupting him.
"I have three of your hoodies in here, I have enough to start selling them to your creepy fans to make money," she jokes and wipes a tear from her eye. "Take it."
He takes it out of her hands and wraps his hands around her waist. "Don't forget me Ally-Gator,"
"I'll never forget you," she says and stands on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.
"I meant it Ally, there's no way I can make it without you," he says and he's crying again.
Then she leaves. She walks out the door without turning around to wave goodbye. It's easier that way, no goodbyes. He walks over to Trish and Dez and they all just sit there, because they don't really know what to do without the pickle loving girl.
He's realised he really can't make it without her.
Trish and Dez invite him to go to the cinema to watch the latest horror movie, but he declines. He goes back home and falls onto his bed. His parents let him go to his room, because they knew how much she meant to him.
He throws the hoodie she gave him on the ground, because it smells like her and every reminder of her hurts so fucking much. He notices something fall out the pocket and slowly crawls off his bed to go investigate what it is. It's a neatly folded piece of paper, and when he opens it up, he notices who the neat writing belongs to.
Dear Austin,
I started writing a song, maybe you should finish it? I know you're getting better at it, I have faith in you.
I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I
Without you
Without you
Oh, oh, oh!
You! You! You!
Without
You! You! You!
Without you
I know you're afraid I'll move on and find someone better, but we both know there's no one better than Miami's own Austin Moon. Please don't forget me, because I won't forget you.
Ally x
He's hurt that she'd even consider he'd move on. Because there is no one he'd rather spend the rest of his life with. These next three years are going to be hell without her, and he doesn't want to dwell on them too much. The song's one of the most beautiful things she wrote, but he doesn't care about music anymore. Music without Ally Dawson? That's like mornings without pancakes. He can't carry on with his music until she comes back. If she comes back.
She will come back. She has to.
He's smiling for the first time in two weeks. Today's the day he gets to Skype her for the first time since she left. They've been texting each other constantly, her telling him all about her classes and how annoying her new roommate Karla is, while he tells her about Dez's new movie project and the different jobs Trish gets.
He sits at his computer a half an hour early, playing with his hair trying to make it look good. When the time comes and her name pops up on his screen, he answers with the hugest smile on his face. She smiles at him, and even though he's seen it a million times, he gets butterflies and manages to fall off his chair. She's laughing, and although he should be embarrassed, the sound of her laughing makes it all better.
They spend hours talking to each about anything and everything. It gets to 1am when Ally gets tired. Even though he knows he should make an excuse to let her go, he can't. Their next Skype session will be in a week and he wants to see Ally laugh, smile and yawn as much as possible. He might fall asleep during double Spanish tomorrow, but he doesn't care.
She falls asleep during their conversation about what's going on between Dez and Trish, and he takes a snapshot. She looked so cute, he couldn't resist. He whispers an 'I love you' even though he knows she won't hear him say it. He turns off his laptop and sleeps properly for the first time since she left. His smile is stuck on his face for the next three days after, because seeing her makes him feel better and he knows that they only have a couple of months until they see each other again during Christmas.
The smile's taken off his face when he comes home school on the Friday of that week.
He notices his mom is home, even though she wasn't supposed to be but he brushes it off. He opens the door and looks around.
"Mom, I'm home! You'll never guess what happened today, it was so funny. Dez got in trouble for telling the teacher to…" he walks inside the kitchen to see his parents looking at each other with worried faces. "What's wrong?"
Mike looks at Mimi, who starts to cry. He stares at them with a confused look and he can feel his heartbeat again. "What happened?"
Mimi runs out of the room and Mike just takes a deep breath. "Turn around kid, you need to see the news."
He throws his bag onto the floor, to find coverage about a college shooting. He still doesn't get why his parents make him watch it, but then they show the college.
"No," he says and sits down.
"I'm sorry son," he feels his father place his hand on his shoulder.
"Dad, no!" he feels tears brimming at the side of his eyes.
"A gunman dressed in all black killed seven students and leaving several others severely injured this morning at MUNY, before he was shot dead by a police officer outside the college," the newsreader says and he places his head in his hand.
"Is she?" he can't even say it. He won't say it, because he knows she'll get through it. She may be not be strong, but she's a fighter.
"They've only named four of the dead students, but she's not one of them," his father answers. "Lester's called and he's already on a flight to New York, so he'll let us know anything he finds out. I'll leave you alone son."
He lifts his head up as he watches his father shut the door behind him on his way out. That's when he lets himself cry. Not for the fact she's just been involved in a tragedy, not for the fact she could be seriously injured or not even because he wasn't there to help her.
It's because she gave him the opportunity to let her stay and he was too much of a chicken to say anything.
He blames himself for this, because it all comes back down to him.
"One of the five victims in the MUNY shootings has been identified as Karla Lopez. The young girl, who is originally from Texas, was shot along with another female, whose name has yet to be announced," the reporter says and it's cut to another story.
He runs out of the kitchen, Panini in hand and almost falls over the sofa. Trish and Dez, who went straight to his house so they could watch the coverage together, look up at him with shells of smiles.
"Who was that girl?" he asks desperately.
"It wasn't Ally, don't worry," Dez says and takes the Panini out of his hand and thanks him.
He slumps down onto the sofa beside Dez. "I know that! But what was her name? Karla…?"
"Karla Lopez, why?" Trish asks, biting her lip.
He suddenly pales. He knows this can't be a good sign. "That's Ally's roommate. What if Ally was the other…"
"Stop it Austin!" Trish shouts a little too loud. "Ally isn't dead. We don't know who that other girl is, but it's not Ally."
He starts to cry again and ignores the heart wrenching look on Dez's face. Dez drops the Panini down and nudges Austin softly. "What if that is Ally?"
"You heard Trish, it's not her," he answers and starts to sob. He should be strong for his friends, but he can't. He loves her so much and the thought of her not coming back home makes him want to cry.
They all stay huddled up in Austin's house for the rest of the day waiting for the last two names to be released, but Trish's mom comes to pick her and Dez up at night. His parents make him go straight to sleep after that, but all he sees is Ally's picture on the news, confirming her as one of the victims.
He doesn't go to school the next day, since there's no new news about her. He wraps himself in a blanket and doesn't leave the sitting room, in case he'll miss something. His parents are worried, but they don't say anything.
They don't say anything until that night, when his father comes rushing into his room shouting about something being really important. He runs out the room and sees his mother on the phone. He looks at his father, who looks just as clueless as he is.
"Thanks Lester, I'll let Austin know," she says and hangs up.
He's on a plane making his way towards New York. It's stuffy and the old woman sitting beside him keeps sneezing on him and the child on the other side keeps screaming into his ear. He's already a complete mess and he thinks that this won't help him. But he survives the journey, which he thinks is a miracle.
It's pretty late when he gets there and even though he knows the visiting hours are over in the hospital, he runs straight there. He practically begs the receptionist to let him into the room and he cries in front of the nurses to let him stay the night with her.
She looks peaceful, if you exclude all the wires that are hanging out of her body. He drags the stool over to the bed and drops his head on her bed. He doesn't know how, but he falls asleep for the first time in days. It's probably a mixture of tiredness and the fact he's been crying so much, but he's woken up by the doctor checking on her in the morning.
"You shouldn't be here," he says as he places her chart back onto her bed.
"Please, I can't leave her again," his voice cracks and he looks up at the older man with pleading eyes. "Please."
"I'll do the best I can," he sighs and walks away.
He takes that as a yes and doesn't leave her room, just in case they decide to lock the door on him. Lester comes twice a day for a couple of hours, but he leaves because it hurts seeing his daughter this way. Trish and Dez send texts every ten seconds, which keep him from being bored.
He doesn't feel lonely though, because he's with Ally. But boredom is a huge part of this, so he's glad he's brought his guitar. He's strumming a couple of notes when the idea hits him and he remembers the note she left. As much as it kills him to read over it, especially in these circumstances, he glances over the lyrics again. He left it in the pocket of his hoodie, which luckily is the one he first picked up off the ground on the way to the airport. He picks up a pen that the doctor must have left by accident and an idea comes to him.
I can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
The words come so easy to him, that he wonders why he hasn't given song writing another goes Steal Your Heart. He continues to get ideas and starts to scribble them down.
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you
I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you(2)
He puts the pen and paper down and he goes back to watching Ally. He hopes she gets better soon, because he can't even imagine a world without her. He watches her breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
His hand finds her and he squeezes it gently. If only she knew he was here for her. He'll always be here for her.
In. Out.
The doctors start to lose hope on her chances of survival. The bullet went too deep and any normal person would have died on the spot, that's what the nurse tells him.
But Ally's not a normal person. She's a one-in-a-million girl, who sparkles as bright as a diamond. She's a fighter, who he knows will get through this.
"I spoke to the doctors today," he turns around to see a teary eyed Lester.
"What did they say?" he asks, although he's too afraid to find out.
"She's not breathing on her own anymore Austin," Lester says and he can tell that the older man is trying his best not to cry just for his sake. "They want to turn off the life support."
"No…"
"Austin, she's brain dead!" Lester shouts and then crumbles to the ground, crying. "My baby, my poor little baby girl."
"Isn't there anything we can do for her?" he asks, hopeful that there has to be another way.
"We can stop putting her through the pain," Lester says and he knows what that means.
He turns away from her father and places a light kiss on her forehead.
Lester signs the papers the day after. Trish and Dez arrive, along with some of her family from Miami and friends from college. They all start saying their goodbyes to her, but he sulks in the corner of the waiting room, because he knows that she'll be fine. He knows that as soon as they turn off the machine, she'll take her first breath on her own and they'll all be sorry for jumping to conclusions.
"Do you ever wonder about what would have happened if you never met her?" Marie, one of her aunts, asks him as she sits beside him.
"No, I don't like to dwell on that," he says a little too coldly.
"So you wouldn't trade all the pain you're in right now for having an Ally-free life?" she asks.
He looks at her with shock. Why would she even consider that? "Even if I only knew Ally for one small moment, I would consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world. And being able to say that she was my best friend, partner, girlfriend…the love of my life, I don't know how I ever managed to get that lucky. So no. Nothing will ever make me want to swap knowing her. She's worth the pain, she's worth everything."
He gets up and walks away, too angry to even sit beside her. To be honest, it's not like he had never thought of that before, but he doesn't like to admit it. No matter what happens, he will always love Ally.
"Austin?" he groggily opens his eyes when Dez starts to shake him. "It's your turn."
"I can't do it," he says to his friend. "I won't."
"Austin, you need to do it!" his friend sits down beside him.
"I don't have to," he rolls his eyes. Why doesn't anyone else believe she'll pull through? "She's going to be fine, I know it."
"Look, I know what you're thinking. But buddy, you need to do it. Not for anyone else here, not for Ally, but for yourself," Dez says with a sad smile. "What if she doesn't pull through? You'll miss your chance to say goodbye."
He takes a deep breath and looks down. He knows it's true, but he's been too busy trying to stay positive that he forgot she's actually dying. "What do I say?"
Dez stands up and helps him up and they start walking to Ally's room. "Say whatever you need her to hear."
And then he's standing at the closed door, listening to the machine beep and watching her breathe. In. Out.
He twists the doorknob slowly and closes it behind him. He's really doing it. He drags the chair at the side of the room over to her bed and sits down on it. He takes her hand in his and kisses it, never wanting to let it go. He's always much happier from her touch.
"Here goes nothing," he mumbles to himself and finally takes a proper look at her. She's covered in bruises and scars, her skin is as a pale as a porcelain doll. He doesn't know why, but he never let himself see how damaged she was while he stayed with her. She does look like she's in so much pain and he'd do anything to stop her going through it all. He's glad Lester signed the papers. It's greedy for him to want to keep her alive and he knows Lester did the right thing.
"Ally, I don't know if you can hear me…" he begins and gently moves one of her strands away from her eyes. "I hope so, I really do."
He turns to see Trish and Dez staring at him from the glass door. They offer him smiles, but he can't even return one. He turns back to look at her for a couple of minutes, trying to get his thoughts sorted out. He has to do this.
"No, no. You don't get to waltz into my life and steal my heart, then leave without saying goodbye. No," he shakes his head. "We were supposed to be timeless, we're Austin and Ally. How can I be Austin without you always behind me?
"I'll never stop loving you Ally-Gator. You were always the love of my life and I hate how it took me so long to realise that. You made me feel like I could do anything, as long as you were with me. And I love that about you. I love everything about you."
He holds her hand a little tighter, still being careful. It looks so fragile, he's afraid he'll break it. "When we wrote Can't Do It Without You, it was pretty much an unspoken rule that we'd both live by. And never did I ever think that the time would come when I had to. But now I have to do it without you, and I know it's going to be hard, but I know it's what you would have wanted."
He doesn't say what he wants to say. He doesn't say sorry for not making her stay, because it's honestly been the only thing going on in his mind. One word. He only had to say one word and would have never gone through this and slipped away from his fingers. He watches her again.
In. Out.
"I love you Allyson Dawson," he pushes himself off the chair and kisses her lips softly. "I'm not going to say goodbye, because this isn't goodbye. Not yet, anyways."
…
He's in the waiting room, playing cards with Dez when he sees the doctor open the door. They're finally doing it.
They're turning off her life support machine.
He can't be around for this, so he runs outside, trying to get as far away as he can. He can hear Dez follow him, calling his name out. Then he hears Trish tell Dez to leave him alone, that he needs time to himself.
He stays outside for about an hour, watching the world go by. It dawns on him that this is the first time he's been outside since he came to New York. He hears footsteps coming towards him and he sees a crying Trish walk over to him. He'll never forget the words that came out of her mouth, or the horrible sounds of sobs that followed.
"A-Ally's dead."
There was a part of him that still believed she'd pull through it. Even if he did say goodbye the day before, he still believed that he was being crazy.
Her words bring his life to a complete standstill. His fast paced life seems to slow, the sounds around him become mute, and his heart beats so fast that he wouldn't be surprised if it leaps out of his chest. He can't believe her words, he doesn't want to. She can't be gone. Not when they have their future together to plan.
"N-no," he whispers in a horrified tone. "That can't be true. Trish tell me that this isn't true!"
He stares at his best friend, begging her to say that the words she had uttered were false and that this was all a misunderstanding. The look on her face tells him otherwise though. "No, no, no, no, NO! Not Ally. Please, not Ally!"
He truly feels his world shatter around him into pieces that he knows he can never glue back together.
…
Life goes on as normal for everyone except him, as they all return to Miami. Trish and Dez stay at the Moon's house a lot, to try help him through the difficult time.
"Austin, please say something," Dez begs the night they return. The three of them lock themselves in Austin's room for the night, none of them having an appetite for dinner.
When he doesn't respond, Trish sighs loudly and holds his hand. "I can't even imagine how hard this is for you," she says. "It's heart-breaking for me and Dez, but you're different. You were the most special person to her. You guys had the deepest connection."
"Ally's not dead," he finally mumbles.
"Austin, I know it's a lot to take in, but…" Dez says sadly.
"No," he interrupts. "She's not gone. He can't be."
"She is, Austin," Dez says, watching tears gather in his eyes.
He looks down at his hands. "Why didn't anyone call me when it happened?"
"We didn't think you could handle being there when it happened," Trish says.
"I'm going to go to sleep," he says, laying down on his bed for the first time in a week. He closes his eyes and shuts the world out.
"Goodnight," Dez whispers as he joins Trish on the floor. They don't even bother to fight over who gets the better sleeping bag, he tosses it to her without giving her time to protest. He glances at his best friend one more time before Dez turns the light off. "Don't let the bedbugs bite."
He wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming.
Dez turns the light back on, and runs to the bed. "Austin, open your eyes."
He keeps his eyes screwed tight as he continues to scream.
"Austin, it's just a bad dream," Dez climbs into his friend's bed.
"No it's not," he sobs. "It's real."
Dez wordlessly puts the covers over the two, while Trish turns the lights back off. Dez spends the remainder of the listening to his occasional sobs, trying to hell him everything will be okay.
But he knows it won't be okay. Because she's not here anymore.
And she never will be.
…
The months between her death and the present seem to blur into one for him. People's lives resume slowly after the bomb had been dropped, but not his. His just seems endless and he even found himself wishing every now and then for everything to end so he could be reunited with Ally again.
Then one day he finds himself walking to Sonic Boom. As much as he doesn't want to go there, his feet seem to have a mind of their own. He awkwardly says hello to Lester, having ignored him since the funeral. He only saw Ally in him and couldn't bear to be around a constant reminder of her. He quietly slipped upstairs to the piano room.
"Take me instead," he begins as he sits down at the piano stool. "Ally didn't deserve to die. It should have been me. I'm the childish one. I deserve it."
His fingers brush over the piano, playing a tune he knew all too well. The song that gave him the courage to kiss her. He starts singing along, trying to forget about everything.
If you wanna cry, I'll be your shoulder
If you wanna laugh, I'll be your smile
If you wanna fly, I will be your sky
Anything you need, that's what I'll be
If you wanna climb, I'll be your ladder
If you wanna run, I'll be your road
If you want a friend, doesn't matter when
Anything you need, that's what I'll be
You can come to me(3)
The last words barely come out, he's crying so much. He misses her so much. All he feels is emptiness and he just wants to hear her play the piano again.
…
On the first month's anniversary of the shooting, there's no signs that he's getting better. Dez invites him to his to play some video games and halfway through, he pauses the screen and looks at his friend.
"Why Ally? She had her whole life ahead of her," he mumbles.
Dez sighs. "The universe works in different, unsuspecting ways. I guess it decided that it was Ally's time to go."
"But it's not fair," he bursts into tears again.
"She's in a better place now," Dez insists. "She's with her mom. She finally gets to meet her."
He lifts his head and looks at Dez through his tear-filled eyes. "She's always wanted to meet her mom," he whispers.
"Well then, I guess the universe thought it was time for that to happen," Dez says, giving him a small smile.
"Yeah," he nods as he imagines Ally up in heaven with her mom. He knows she's in a better place. A place where she can be happy.
…
He takes the stage one last time on the year anniversary of her death. He thought it was the perfect time to sing one last time.
"Before I leave you guys, I just want to thank you so much for being with me during this year from hell. You guys are my rock and I don't know what I would have done without you!" he says into the microphone and the crowd goes wild. "I'm going to close the show with a song I wrote, just for you Ally Dawson."
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday (4)
He goes off stage with a smile on his face. It's not from the rush from being onstage singing to his fans. It's because he can finally feel something more than grief. He knows there's a life to live and he shouldn't waste it by being miserable. He's ready to move on (not with someone else - he could never love someone more than Ally) and the thought of writing music doesn't make him so miserable anymore.
"I hope I'm doing you proud," he says as he looks to the sky, thinking of his little songbird. "I will always love you."
(1) - Break Down The Walls by Ross Lynch
(2) - Without You by David Guetta
(3) - You Can Come To Me by Laura Marano and Ross Lynch
(4) - Yesterday by The Beatles