Mending Fences
A JAG Short Story
Written by Matthew R. White
© October 14, 2013
Based on the Characters and series created by Donald P. Bellisario
...
Historian's Note: This story takes place during the episode Fair Winds and Following Seas written by Stephen Zito, and encompasses the evening prior to the events in my story Chances and Choices.
Author's Note: Like my other three stories, this tale was written to make sense of the mess to original writers made of the last season by serving the god of profit rather than preserving the continuity of the existing storylines. Harm's isolation to me was OOC for him. Mac wanted to help and it seems implausible to me that he would push her away, especially with their apparent reconciliation in the episode The Four Percent Solution.
...
01:40 ZULU
April 26, 2005
Mac's Apartment, Georgetown
"So, were you ready for all this," Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie asked her closest and dearest friend, Harmon Rabb Jr.
"Were you?" he replied, seemingly nervous about something. He had said he needed her advice about real estate, but Sarah knew his reason for being here was something else, something much more important.
"Well, I've been dreading it for a while…but…now that it's here, it doesn't seem so bad."
She neglected to tell him that the thought of them being separated by almost six thousand miles was weighing heavily on her heart, almost more than she could manage.
"I'm just taking it…one day at a time," she finished.
"You and I, Mac, we're running out of time. We're going to have to talk about us, sooner or later…"
"I know," she interrupted, knowing she had been anticipating and dreading this conversation. "I'm not pushing you off, Harm. I need to talk to Vicky first. I need to…to make sure I know where I'm at. I scheduled an appointment with her tomorrow morning."
"I understand," he replied. He smiled, but Sarah could see through his disappointment. For that reason alone, she almost relented.
"Is that the real reason you came by?" she asked instead.
"One reason," he replied. "May I," he added, indicating the couch.
"Sure."
They both sat next to each other and Sarah asked, "What else is on your mind?"
"It's about Mattie."
"Is she all right?" Mac asked, suddenly very concerned.
"Yeah is just that…Mac, I know it's late, it's a long drive, and you have a lot of work to finish, but Mattie wants to see you, to see both of us and I was wondering if…"
"I'd love to go see her," offered Mac, her face lighting up. "I've missed her and to be honest I could use a break from all this," she said, indicating the half packed mess surrounding them. Open boxes, packing material, tape dispensers were scattered around what was normally a spotless and well kept apartment.
"Let me grab my jacket and we can leave."
"Mac," he said, stopping her for a moment. "I just want to say that I'm…I'm sorry for shutting you out…"
"Harm, it's okay, you had your reasons," she said. "If you want to, we can talk about it on the way there, deal?"
Rabb nodded in agreement, "Deal."
...
Saint Vincent Hospital was a four hour drive from DC, so they agreed to share time at the wheel. Mac offered to drive most of the way down allowing Harm to bank some much needed sleep, and he would drive them back, as she had a 09:30 appointment in the morning. He was out like a light before they crossed the Virginia border.
Mac felt a sense of relief pass through her now that he was finally allowing her to help. She had seen the toll which the worry and the long drive had been taking on him. It pained her in ways she couldn't even describe not to be able to offer comfort in his time of need. She was so very afraid that she was going to get a call in the middle of the night, telling her he had been killed in an accident. Finally, last Wednesday she decided to intervene, and she enlisted the help of Petty Officer Coates to accomplish it. As Mattie's roommate, she could intercede in a way that the stubborn Naval Commander couldn't and wouldn't object to. It was that very evening that Mattie regained consciousness, lifting a huge burden from the shoulders of her dearest friend.
Once she got within a few miles of Blacksburg, she pulled into a rest area so they could switch places. Harm knew the rest of the way better than she did as he had been driving it for almost two months.
Continuing to the hospital, they did talk, although they carefully avoided their pending separation. Harm and Mac even traded notes on their staff selections.
"I feel sorry for Bud," Mac offered, after they had run through their choices. Either position would have been a good career move for him."
"I know. He'd make a good XO. That's one reason I offered him the position as the Deputy FJA. You said you spoke to Harriet?"
"I had lunch with her today," replied Mac. "I listened to her reasons and they all made sense, but I got the feeling she wasn't telling me everything."
"You think they didn't want to have to make a choice between the two of us?"
"Yeah, sighed Mac. "I didn't think about it until now, but, our separation is affecting our friends as well, even our colleagues. Several staff members I asked to come to San Diego declined the invitation. Some of them told me they felt that their loyalties were being divided."
"I know the feeling," replied Harm. "I was told the same thing. You know, Mac, I could talk to Harriet and Bud, tell them I wouldn't harbor any ill feelings if they wanted to go to San Diego with you. At least one of us would be able to spend time with our Godchildren."
"You'd do that?"
"Yeah, Mac, I would," Harm said, his voiced colored with emotion for the first time this evening. "This…separation is going to be hard on both of us…and…Bud and Harriet are…family."
"They are family to you too, Harm."
"I know…but I have…my parents…my Grandmother…and Mattie will be with me in London. The only family you have is Harriet and Bud and…me. That is, if I still will have a place in your life. Sarah…I just don't want you to be alone."
Mac felt the emotion inside her bubbling to the surface. Harm only called her Sarah when his emotional control was on the verge of breaking, when he was really in touch with his feelings. She choked back a sob and tried to hide the tears which were now flowing freely. Damn you, Harmon Rabb, she thought. You'll always have a place in my life. Don't you know that by now?
"Are you okay?" he asked. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…to make you cry…"
"I'm…fine. It's just that…I don't know…maybe the reality of…what is about to happen is…finally hitting home."
Rabb pulled his vintage Corvette into the visitor parking lot and found a spot close to the hospital entrance. He stopped the car and turned to embrace his friend. They said nothing for a while as she allowed herself to be held by him taking in his comfort and love.
"I missed you, flyboy."
"I missed you too, ninja girl, I'm so very sorry…for shutting you out. God, Sarah I…I didn't mean to…push you away."
Harm's voice was full of torment and she knew he was fighting back tears. They pulled apart just enough to face each other.
"It might help us both if you can tell me why?" asked Sarah. Her tone was gentle and lacked any semblance of accusation. Tell me what you're feeling, Harm. I want to help.
Rabb was silent for a while, trying to rein in his emotions and she waited patiently for him to continue.
"It's complicated, Sarah. I…I knew you were working through your own issues…and I didn't want you to make the same mistake…that I did…when we thought Clay was dead."
Vicky has been right all along, she thought.
"I've had a year to consider everything that happened that evening," replied Mac. "It was unrealistic for me to expect anything different from you. You've always been there for me and I want to be there for you, I don't care if it's six or six thousand miles between us, Harm. You're my closest, dearest friend and I…I…care for you more…more than you can know." I love you, flyboy, I'm just too scared to admit it.
Slowly they drew together, their lips touching for a brief moment before she turned her head retreating to the safety of his shoulder. They stayed that way for a very long time.
"We had better get in to see Mattie," she said after her internal sense of timing had told her how much time had transpired.
"Yeah, you're right," he replied. "You okay?"
"I am now," she answered, her smile confirming her thoughts.
...
05:40 ZULU
Saint Vincent Hospital
Blacksburg, Virginia
"Mac!" cried the teenager as the pair walked into her hospital room. "I missed you!"
It was after midnight but Mattie knew they were coming to visit.
"Hi, Mattie," Sarah replied. "I missed you too, sweetie. How are you feeling?"
"Better. I can move my arms and I'm getting some feeling back in my legs. I still can't walk, yet. The doctor doesn't know if I ever will."
She turned her attention to her surrogate father. "I see you listened to me. Thanks for bringing her, Harm."
"You're welcome, Mattie. It was my pleasure."
Mattie suddenly notices the redness in their eyes. "Both of you look like you've been crying, is everything all right?"
"We're fine," answered Harm. "Mac and I have a lot going on with the reassignment and we were discussing some things along the way. We got a little emotional, that's all."
She watched both of them carefully and while they seemed to be supporting each other, Mattie knew there was more going on than she was being told. For some time, she had known that their friendship was much more than either one of them would admit to. The idea of Harm and Mac being separated was really bothered her. Maybe I can get Mac to spill, she thought.
For most of the visit, they exchanged small talk. Mac told her a little about what she would be doing in San Diego. They discussed the possibility of visit when Harm could schedule some leave time and Mac promised to come to London to see them. Just before they were ready to leave Mattie asked, "Mac, could I talk to you alone for a few minutes?"
"Sure, Mattie?" Sarah replied, turning to look at Harm.
"This is girl-talk, you understand, don't you Harm?" Mattie asked.
"Of course, I'll just go grab a coffee. You want one, Mac?"
"Please, you know how I like it."
"Yeah I do, like marine motor oil," he said as he walked out.
...
When they were alone Mattie turned to face Mac.
"I told Harm that if he didn't bring you next time I wasn't ever going to speak to him again," said Mattie.
"Well, I have been busy and…"
"Mac," she interrupted. "I know you wanted to help and he refused."
"Did he tell you this?"
"Harm told me you had offered to drive down with him and when I asked him why he said no, he gave me some stupid excuse about not wanting to add to your problems."
"Well, Mattie, he was just looking out for me. His heart was in the right place."
"You agree with him?"
"No, I didn't," said Mac, after a while. "I wanted to be here for you, for both of you, and, for whatever reason, Harm decided he needed to do this alone. And even though I didn't agree, I have to respect that."
"Well I think it was dumb," said Mattie. "Mac, why do smart guys make such dumb decisions?"
Mac bent over in laughter, "If I knew the answer to that, I'd write a book."
"I bet it would be a best seller."
Mattie watched her older friend seeming to be pondering something.
"Mattie, sometimes, we all make decisions that don't make sense to the ones we love and care for. It's part of life. Harm did what he felt he needed to do. We shouldn't judge him too harshly for that."
"But you would never push him away? Would you?"
Mattie was surprised when she saw the tears burst forth from Sarah's eyes. It was a response she wasn't expecting. Mac quickly spun around and Mattie knew she was trying to hide the tears.
"I have pushed him away in the past, Mattie. In some ways, I've been pushing him away for a long time."
"But why, Mac?" persisted Mattie. "The two of you love each other, I can see that. Everyone who knows you can see it. Jennifer, Aunt Harriet, Uncle Bud, even Admiral Chegwidden. They all see it, why can't the two of you?"
Mac still had her back to Mattie, and the young teenager knew her older friend was struggling with her feelings, but she also knew she had been right. It was a few minutes before she turned around.
"It's complicated, Mattie…and…you're right…I do love him…but we are going to be six thousand miles apart in a few days…and…"
"Why don't the two of you just get married? One of you can resign and we can be a real family."
"I wish it were that simple, but, Harm doesn't want to leave the Navy. It's his life, it defines…who he is…and I would never want to take that from him. Just like the Marine Corps is my life. Harm would never want to take that from me."
Mattie sat and pondered everything she had been told. After a few minutes she replied, "That really sucks!" which brought a chuckle out of Mac.
"Yeah, it does."
"What sucks?" asked Harm, as he entered the room.
"Oh nothing," said Mac. "Just, girl-talk."
...
After they had said their goodbyes, Harm and Mac climbed into his Corvette for the long drive home. As soon as they got on the road Harm glanced over to his friend.
"Is everything all right, Mac? I know she asked you something which upset you. Wanna' talk about it?"
"Not really…no I mean…not yet."
"I see," replied Harm. "This must be about our reassignment."
"That would be about right. The comment you heard her make? That really sucks. That was Mattie's assessment of the whole situation."
"She does have a way of being blunt, doesn't she?"
"Yeah, she does. Maybe that's why I like her so much."
Harm turned to take the onramp to Interstate 81. The vintage sports car swiftly came up to speed and Rabb merged into his lane. It was very late and the traffic was light.
"Are you going to be okay to drive, Harm?"
"Yeah, Mac, I'll be fine. The nap I took on the way down really helped," he said. "Thanks for tagging along tonight, Mac, it means a lot, to me, and to Mattie," he added.
All you had to do was ask, she thought, but said instead. "It meant a lot to me, too, Harm. I missed spending time with you."
Harm considered all the time that had been squandered by his questionable decision to keep her at arm's length. It was time that very well could have drawn them closer, but instead, they were facing the possibility of losing touch. Long distance relationships seldom worked out, Harm knew. He only could hope that he and Mac could figure something out.
"I'm going to try to get some sleep, wake me if you get tired, okay?" she asked.
"I promise."
As she reclined in the bucket seat she reached out to take his hand. As she dozed, Harm held onto her hand for the entire trip home, not wanting to ever let her go.
...
11:05 ZULU
Mac's Apartment, Georgetown
"Wake up, sleepy head, you're home," said Harm, after parking the car next to the entrance to her apartment.
Mac sat up and pulled herself together, remembering that she and Harm had been driving all night. She looked at him reaching with her hand to cup his face.
"You look exhausted," she said. "Do you want to crash here for a couple hours?"
"That's all right, Mac. I'll probably just run home shower and change. I have a few things to do at the office this morning. If I go in now, I'll be heading home by 09:30. I'll be home the rest of the day. I'll crash for a few hours, and then I have to finish packing. You coming by later?"
"I'll be in Vicky's office about the time you're heading home and then I have to go in for a while myself. I'll be packing the rest of the day. I should be by around 19:00. What time does your flight leave?"
"13:00, tomorrow afternoon. That doesn't give us a lot of time, does it," said Harm.
"No, it doesn't," she replied, opening the car door. When Harm opened his, she added, "I'll be okay, Harm. You don't need to walk me in. Go do what you have to do. Just call me when you get home, I'll be up."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fine; now get out of here, flyboy, before I kick you in the six."
"Yes, ma'am," he replied, giving her a salute before he drove off.
Sarah thought about grabbing an extra hour of sleep, but soon decided against it. Her mind was in turmoil with everything which had transpired and she was looking forward to sorting these things out with Vicky.
If nothing else, the time last night had mended her relationship with Harm and for the first time since returning from San Diego, she felt connected to him again.
San Diego; somehow she knew that west coast city was the key to her future, their future. She didn't really understand how that was possible but she took some solace in the peace those thoughts gave her.
END