Dedicated to Ellie, the brightest star in the constellation.
"I'm in love with you," he said quietly.
"Augustus," I said.
"I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."
~~O~~
I woke up from my dream of him. The light sound of beeping beside me, the light in my room bright and loud. There was a gentle tapping on the floor to my left and I opened my eyes slowly to see what the mysterious tapping was.
It was Isaac, tapping his cane on the floor. I smiled lazily and said, "Hi Isaac,"
Shocked by the sound of my voice, he straightened up and smiled, "You're awake,"
"Finally," I muttered.
Isaac just laughed and shook his head at me.
We were quiet for a while and I couldn't help but try to go to sleep again. I was coming close to the day. The day I find out which religion was right, who 'the man upstairs' really is, and if I'll really spend the rest of my life living in clouds, playing the harp and happily watching my love ones live on.
Honestly, none of that really got to me. What did get to me was the ultimate realization that there was a slim chance that maybe, maybe, I might see Augustus. Now, I know what you're probably thinking, "Wow, chliché, you're gonna see your first love in heaven," and I know. It is cliché. But since I got here nine days ago, maybe even when I stood in the elevator with Isaac going to my last Support Group session, the memory or Augustus started to creep back into my mind and pull at my heart strings. Not like I ever forgot him, nope. I would never forget Augustus. For the last 33 months, 2 weeks and 5 days - not like anyone's counting - I saw Augustus in everything. I saw Augustus when mom and I drove by a basketball court once, I saw him again when a man lit a cigarette, I saw him when a plane flew in over the park bench I was sitting on, remembering how I read him a poem, him telling me he loved me. The image of Augustus smiling would flash behind my eyelids, triggering the water works.
Augustus was my getaway excuse for whenever my parents saw me cry, especially now I was in my death bed, not having much else to do. Yes, I cried a lot because of the loss of Augustus, but there were so much other things that did make me cry.
I cried when, once again, the insane pain that infiltrated my brain long ago, a bit before Augustus and I left for Amsterdam, returned. I screamed, and my parents were in my room immediately, and I was rushed to the hospital again.
This time, I was sure of it and so were my doctors. I could feel it with every breath I tried to breathe, the throbbing sensation that went through me as the medicine flowed through my system. I knew, and so did everyone else, that I was dying. This is my The End.
Another reason why I cried so much was because my parents cried so much. They cried so much because I was dying. And the doctors said that the more stressed and upset I am, the worst it'll be for me. So it was sort of a cycle, and as bad as it sounds, if my parents stopped crying then maybe I would, too. I wouldn't feel so bad about dying. But they were my parents, they had to cry when their children died. Especially when it was there one and only child.
So I used Augustus as an excuse for every time I cried. It was a good excuse. The girl with cancer cries over her dead, first and only love. It was a good getaway.
"Hazel," Isaac said, snapping me out of my thoughts, "What's it like outside?"
I smiled, knowing exactly what to say, "It's beautiful, Isaac. Sunny, cloudless, and by the way the trees are swaying, there's probably a light breeze," I smirked, "It's a good thing you're wearing sunglasses,"
Usually, it would be a terrible thing to say to a blind man. But it was our usual. The first time I did it I remembered when Augustus first came to Support Group. How he made a joke about Isaac being soon-to-be blindness:
~~O~~
"I fear it like the proverbial blind man who's afraid of the dark,"
"Too soon," Isaac said cracking a smile.
"Was that insensitive? Augustus asked. "I can be pretty blind to other people's feelings."
~~O~~
The first time I made a blind joke, it was on my birthday. Isaac came to see me and asked how I looked. I told him that I was a sight for sore eyes and Isaac teared up from laughter and possibly from the memory of Augustus.
This time, Isaac snorted and shook his head, "Yeah, well just for that, I guess I can tell you that I ate the frozen yogurt your nurse sneaked in for you,"
I faked a gasp, which probably wasn't good for my lungs, but laughed anyways. "Jerk," I laughed, "I was waiting for that,"
When our laughters died down, I looked around the room, "Isaac," I said, "Where are my parents?"
Isaac frowned and took off the shades covering his eyes. Something he only did in private. "They went to go home, get a few things for you. I told them to go sleep for a bit. They sounded exhausted. I'll be your babysitter for the next three hours," he gave me a cheeky smile.
"Oh the horror," I sighed.
He nodded and lowered his face, to 'look' at his lap. We were quiet again, the only sound was the beeping of my monitor. Isaac then began to reach around for something, that I couldn't see. Finally, he must've found whatever it was he was looking for and started to fumble with it in his hand. "You dropped this while you were sleeping," he said, holding up Bluie towards me. Isaac perfected the art of hearing, and didn't end up talking to walls anymore instead of the person he was conversing with. He scoffed, "I went on all fours looking for it. I thought it was a pillow or something because they sound a like. It turns out it's just a furry rabbit,"
"Bear," I corrected. He needed to work on his 'feeling' sense.
"Bear,"he repeated, "What colour is this bear?" he asked.
"Blue,"
"What's his name?"
"Bluie,"
He burst into laughter, sitting Bluie on the chair behind him where his cane was resting, "The mastermind behind the infamous pedophilic swing set ad, only came up with the name 'Bluie' for a blue bear," he shook his head.
"Infamous? How do you know about the swing set?" I asked.
"How do I know?" he scoffed, "He told me about it when he came back from your house that day, he showed me the freaking ad, too. He said you were a genius,"
There was a short silence before I said, "He said that was why he liked me," my voice was soft and it almost cracked.
"I know," Isaac said quietly, "Your ability to make the simplest things, witty, cheeky and deep turned him on a lot,"
We both laughed shaking our heads.
Then, out of nowhere, Isaac said, "You were dreaming about him," it wasn't a question, more of a claim.
Observing Isaac, I nodded, and said, "Yeah, how do you know,"
"You sounded really," he paused, "Peaceful,"
I was confused, because Isaac usually asked me, "So, what were you dreaming about?" This threw me off and my hesitation probably let him know that. He explained, "When you dream about him you barely move. I don't hear your bed ruffling, you don't snore-"
"Because I don't snore," I cut in, defensively.
"How would you know? You're sleeping," he mocked, "Anyways, back to what I was saying, you seem more relaxed when you dream of Augustus. When you don't, you move a lot, you snore loudly and you wake up earlier. It's just something your parents and I observed,"
I rolled my eyes, laughed and shook my head. Of course they talked about me.
Then, again, Isaac caught me off guard and said, "Tell him I got a new highscore in Price of Dawn,"
"What?"
"And tell him I talked to Monica, and said "never" to her. He'd love that,"
"Isaac-"
"And tell him that I met this chick that goes to Support Group, and that she's probably cute, because, you, Hazel, told me she was. Tell him, I sort of like her,"
"Isaac," I said, tears starting to form. I was mad at him. No I wasn't. I just didn't like how he was talking as if I would die in the next 24 hours.
"I'm sorry, Hazel," he said, shaking his head and wiping a tear off his face, "That was really insensitive," more tears streamed down his face.
"Isaac," my voice cracked, tears streaming down my face, too. As I mentioned earlier, I was dying. I mean we are all currently coming closer to our deaths. Every second we live is another second closer to our deaths. Wow, what a happy thought.
Anyways, yes, I was soon to be dead. Nine days ago, the doctors told me that I had 2 months left. Possibly less than that. Just like that, they told me I was going to die soon. I was like bread and they labeled me with an expiry date.
Isaac didn't react to it. When I told him he said he was sorry and talked to me as if I just didn't tell him I was going to die. Oddly, I liked it better than I did when I told Kaitlyn I was dying. She bawled her eyes out, making me cry even more.
But now, I saw what was happening, Isaac was panicking and I had no idea why. I mean, yes, I knew he probably didn't like the fact that I was dying. But he never showed it. Something was about this day…
"What did the doctors say, Isaac?" I blurted out, my voice louder than it has been the past nine days. Shocked, Isaac accidentally knocked down his cane. He went down on all fours, scrambling for his cane, his hand shaking. "Isaac," I said, "What did they say!"
It was clear. There was a change in my expiry date and it wasn't good. My parents weren't here so I wouldn't see them cry.
"Where are my parents, Isaac?," my voice was unbelievably shaking, "I want to see my parents,"
Isaac stood up, cane in hand, still shaking, "They left right before you woke up. They went to talk to your doctor. I wasn't supposed to hear, but the doctor said he had some bad news, and I knew what that meant. So did you parents. I mean the guy should've waited until you woke up," he rambled, but I let him go on, "They left me here, saying that if you woke up, that I try my best not to tell you. But then I thought of Augustus and then I-I," he took a deep breath and shook his head, "I'm sorry, Hazel,"
I was stunned, but I was able to say, "How soon?"
He just shook his head, "I can't. I-I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't," he repeated.
"Isaac, please," I pleaded.
He repeated, "I can't," shaking his head, crying all the while.
"Isaac," I urged.
"Hazel," there was a voice coming from the door. It was mom.
Two weeks later
"One. More. Week." I said lazily to no one.
I was alone in my room. It was eleven a.m and Isaac usually came after lunch. Mom and dad were actually home this time, picking up some papers and things for me.
It was rare that I was ever alone. If mom and dad weren't here, they made sure Isaac was, if Isaac wasn't here, Kaitlyn was. At lowest circumstances, a nurse would keep me company.
It was hard understanding my mom. And dad. And Isaac. Especially when they were all sobbing at once, sounding like a bunch of dying whales. Dr. Maria came in, hearing the ruckus from outside my room. My lungs were filling up with water really fast. She told me that I had three more weeks. More than that would be a miracle.
The news wasn't shocking. We all knew that I was going soon. I felt it everywhere. I felt it all the time. I know I'm dying. My family knows I'm dying. My friends know I'm dying. I was sleeping longer, getting drowsier, achier, crankier and I couldn't hold up a conversation too long. It was time to stop talking when I started to answer in nods, head shakes and hand gestures. I know I look terrible. My mom was constantly trying to comb down my hair and Kaitlyn was always trying to force some color on my cheeks. My dad said I was beautiful. And of course, so did my mom. Isaac liked to say it just to bug me, "Hazel, you're looking wonderful today," But everyone pretended that I wasn't going to die soon. They acted as if this was just another minor problem, that I was going to go home soon. But we all know I'm not.
Ever since I got my new due date, Isaac spent more time with me. He would come and talk to me about whatever; Support Group, the new girl he's interested in, my lack of creativity when it came to naming Bluie, nurses and doctors, but he always avoided the topic of Augustus Waters.
And it sucked. We haven't talked about Gus for two weeks. Isaac was the only other person that talked to me about Augustus. We had inside jokes my parents and Kaitlyn didn't understand. And Isaac ignored it, like Gus wasn't a big part in both of our lives, the reason why the two of us are so close now.
It was hard to get mad at Isaac, though. Not because he was blind, but because he was losing someone again. He lost Monica, then he lost his vision, then Augustus died, and now in a week or so, I'll be gone, too. So I didn't get mad at him. I just get disappointed.
But two days ago Augustus's parents came to visit me with Isaac. Mark guiding Isaac in and Gus's mom holding a big blue IKEA bag. My parents greeted them and let them sit around me.
"Good afternoon, Just Hazel," Gus's dad smiled at me.
"Hi," I answered weakly.
His mom gave me a sad smile. I knew she was thinking of Augustus.
"We brought you some gifts," she said.
She placed the bag on my legs, and mom adjusted my bed so I was sitting up slightly. They brought me a pillow that I placed behind my head immediately, and of course it had an Encouragement. What made me love it was the fact it was what Gus's mom said the first time I was at their house, "In the darkest days, the Lord puts the best people in our lives."
I laughed shaking my head, knowing Augustus would've rolled his eyes.
"We can't stay too long," Augustus's mom said, "It's still sort of hard being in a hospital,"
"We just want to see you," Mark said.
I smiled again and said, "Thank you,"
"How's it going, Hazel," his dad said softly.
I shook my head, looking at my lap.
"We heard about-"
"My expiry date," I sighed.
"Hazel," my mom warned.
"What?" I answered lazily.
"Don't lose hope, Hazel," Augustus's mom said sweetly.
I looked at all of them, one by one, slowly. I wanted to tell them all then and there but looking at mom's glass eyes, I decided to do it when it was just me and my parents.
"Right," I said, "Hope. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Waters,"
"No," problem his dad said.
With all my strength, I extended my arms as best as I could, silently asking them for a hug. Mark hugged me first, patting me on the back, trying to be careful around the tubes that flowed into my body. His mom hugged me next, letting some tears shed while she rubbed my back.
"We have to go now, Hazel," she said softly, "Gus's nephews are visiting us,"
"We'll try visit again," Mark said.
"Okay," I nodded.
"Isaac," Mark said, "Are you coming?"
"Um, no. My mom's going to pick me up later," Isaac answered.
"Okay," Mark waved, "See you all soon,"
When they left, my mom lead Isaac a seat next to my bed. All settled in, he took his glasses off, set his cane down and leaned in towards me.
"Hmm," my mom said, "There's still something in here," she picked up the IKEA bag and held out a blanket.
I recognised the blanket. It was the blanket that spread over Gus's bed in the basement. Holding it close to me, I felt it's warmth and smelt the fragrance of Augustus. I suddenly felt better inside.
"What is it?" Isaac asked.
"A blanket covered in Augustus Waters," I said, a tear rolling down my cheek.
Isaac shook his head, "Creepy,"
Two Day Later
The clock read ten in the morning. I just woke up from a dreamless sleep and nothing felt different.
Dad was at the foot of my bed preparing my food. He was humming a tune that I was familiar with but couldn't remember the name to. Mom was sitting next to my bed, facing me and reading a book.
"Mom," I groaned.
Both of my parents looked at me and they smiled, "Yes, sweetie," my mom said, "Hungry?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes again, "Mom, dad," I stopped, a billion things going on in my head, making it hard to talk. Finally, I said, "I'm ready,"
There was a silence for a bit until my dad asked, "What do you mean, Hazel?"
I opened my eyes and looked in the space between my parents. My head started to buzz and my eyelids were getting heavier, "I'm sorry guys," I said.
My dad pulled a chair beside my mom and sat down. Mom grabbed my hand and squeezed it, "For what?" she said, smoothing my hair.
"I had one thing to do," my voice cracked, "One thing, and I screwed it up," I wasn't making any sense.
"Hazel, what're you talking about," my dad urged.
"All I had to do was breathe, and I still couldn't do that," a tear rolled down my cheek.
"Hazel," my mom cried.
"But don't worry, because you guys did awesome," I continued, smiling, "You guys are the best parents ever. I know I could be such an insensitive drama queen and everything but I really, really love you guys. You guys are my best friends, before Peter Van Houten, Kaitlyn, Isaac, even Augustus. Thanks for putting up with me," I whispered.
Tears streamed down mom's face and fell onto my hands.
I went on, "So don't blame yourselves when I don't wake up, okay?" my mom sobbed loudly, "If you want, blame our neighbor back when I was six, who smoked in his backyard while I played in ours. I mean he's probably not the reason, but sometimes it easier to blame someone instead of no one,
"Mom, dad listen. It's been a wonderful life with you guys, but it's game over for me now. I can't keep going on anymore. I'm sorry for quitting,"
"Hazel, no," my dad said.
"It's getting harder and harder, and I can't do it anymore. My lungs are exhausted and I'm tired of them. But for some reason I need them," I joked. I looked up to the ceiling, trying to stop the tears from falling, "Maybe that's why they don't want to work for me," I sighed, "I always down them," wiping some tears, I said, "Anyways, I just wanted to ask you guys to live on, okay? I don't want you guys to die with me. I know it's a stupid thing to say to parents, but I'm fine. I'm ready to die," mom pressed her face into my shoulder, hugging me. Talking was getting harder, but I had to keep going, just for now, "And… and I'll be in good hands. Okay? I'm- I'm ready for this. I can do this. I can die now,"
"Hazel, please, don't. Please. Please stay, Hazel, please," mom cried.
I shook my head, "I'm sorry, mom. I can't," my voice got an octave harder as I let the tears finally spill, "I've used up all my miracles, and my body can't take this pain anymore. But be proud guys, because you are the actual phalanxifor. If you guys didn't love me the way you do now, then I probably wouldn't have reached my first miracle. I don't want to leave you, believe me. I want to stay, but I can't. I'm hurting, and I can see you guys hurting, too. I can't stand this pain, watching you guys pour your whole lives into me, who would eventually die anyways. We gotta move on,"
"Shh, Hazel, shh," my dad said, crying hard, "Shhh,"
Ignoring him, I finally finished, "Thank you so much mom and dad. I love you,"
They nodded and both said, "I love you," both of them kissing me on the forehead and holding me tight.
"We love you," my mom said, "I need you to stay, but" she shut her eyes tight and breathed in, "But you're right. We can't make you keep fighting just because we want you with us. If you can't keep going anymore, sweetheart, then go. You don't have to fight for us anymore,"
"We don't want to see you struggle anymore," my dad added.
Closing my eyes and laying my head back down, I whispered, "Thank you," a tear slipped down, "Goodbye,"
I fell asleep.
I never woke up in the hospital again.
It was bright and whatever I was lying on was soft. The air was warm, but the gentle breeze that drifted in the air made it perfect.
I sat up and looked around me. I was on a hill, the sky was a pinkish orange, meaning it was probably sunrise or sunset, I wasn't sure because, strangely, I couldn't find the sun. A lady bug flew by my face, and a bird was chirping somewhere to my right. I was alone, but I didn't feel like it. I know where I am. Someone was supposed to be here.
"Augustus!" I called, "Augustus Waters!"
Standing, I spun around and realized I was dressed in a white dress that reached my knees. I ran to the top of the hill, laughing the whole time because my lungs worked. They weren't failing me, and I wasn't tired. "Augustus!" I called again, "Where are you?"
When I reached the top of the hill, I found him, sitting on a bench. He was dressed in all white, sitting the same way he did the first time I met him at Support Group, leaning out of the bench, his hands folded together under his chin and balancing on his knees. "Hazel Grace," he smiled.
"Gus," I beamed, "Augustus, Augustus Augustus," happy tears fell down my cheek as I ran towards him. He stood up from the bench and opened his arms as I neared him. When finally reached him, he wrapped his arms around me, hugging tightly.
He kissed my head and said into my hair, "I missed you so much,"
I laughed, nodding against his shoulder, "I missed you, too, Gus,"
We hugged for a long time. The two of us just standing on top of hill.
When he pulled away he looked into my eyes and smirked, "Okay?"
Laughing, I bowed, "I'm grand,"
~~O~~
This was supposed to come out before The Fault in Our Stars movie as a treat, but recently, a very important person in my life passed away. She was diagnosed leukemia. I decided to dedicate this to her.
Her name's Elizabeth, and she was 8 and three days when she died, nine days ago. She's my boyfriend's niece and the soul reason why he and I met.
When she was younger, my boyfriend would bring her to the library I volunteered at to check out books and read to her. She met me and then she introduced me to him, and our story goes on from there. My boyfriend and I were 15 then, and she didn't have cancer yet.
A few months after she turned five, leukemia got to her and decided to linger in her, giving her cancer. She stopped going to the park with us, tired and achy, ate less, bruised a lot, and had terrifying nosebleeds.
When she was 7, the cancer cooled down and she was in remission for about 3 months, until it decided to bite her again, leading to her heartbreaking death.
For the past 3 months, I've been busy watching over Ellie with her family, helping her fight the battle against cancer. But in the end, she couldn't handle it anymore, and passed.
She's a brave girl, she's a warrior and I look up to her, all the children I met at the hospital, to everyone going through an illness. She brought light into my life and I wish I could've done so much more for her.
What connects her to TFIOS, is that after she saw me read it, and after I explained the book to her, she wanted to read it. She said she wanted to read about this story about love and not cancer. When she heard about the movie, she wanted to watch it. I told her that there are parts not suitable for her age so I told her, when she gets better, we can watch Rio 2 instead, because she loves Anne Hathaway, Bruno Mars and the song, "What is Love," by Janelle Monae. We'll never get to see it.
Even though it's not my song, I also dedicate, "What is Love," to her. It sort of resembles the whole situation our families are going through.
Anyways, she deserved a better ending, but if there's anything this whole mess taught me, is that I can't write my loved ones' lives, and expect it to go the way I wanted it to.
Cancer is a problem for the person who gets it, and the people they are associated with. When you see cancer donation booths or cans, drop whatever you can and help out a life. It's a terrible thing to go through.
So if you're wondering why I've been so late with my updates for my PJAO story, "Welcome Back" this is why. I've been spending as much time with Ellie, reading to her, drawing her pictures, telling her stories that included her and keeping her company. A new chapter will be added before the end of this week though, I just need some time to cope with things.
Thanks for the read, and sorry if I depressed you or anything. If you have any cancer stories, or any stories that is, that you'd like to share, then leave it in the reviews.