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Chapter 1 - Letting Myself Go
The past few weeks has been terrible to say the least. Three patients died on my watch. One of them was Matthew's wife.
Oh god, Matthew.
Where do I even begin with him? I have caused him so much pain and misery. I left him at our wedding. His wife died on my watch. What do I even say to him? Is there anything I can say?
Why did God of all people let this happen? Wasn't he supposed to be on my side? Why did he let this happen? I ponder these thoughts as the cold water washes over me.
As I got out of the shower, I wrapped myself tightly in my towel and stepped out of the bathroom into my room. I analyzed the clothes scattered all over the floor, half which doesn't even belong to me. Vik has been over a couple of nights and he hasn't even bothered to take his clothes with him. I guess that's what I get for sleeping with a messy intern.
I know people will judge me if they ever found out. Sweet April Kepner sleeping with an intern. A very unlike April thing to do. But honestly, fuck all of them. Why is it that when anyone else sleep around with whomever they please, they don't get crap for it, but when I do I immediately get judged? I'm sick of being treated as if I'm a damn punching bag all the time. I may have ignored it before, but I sure as hell won't now.
Everything I have ever believed in turned out to be one big lie and it kinda feels like I'm dying.
I walked into Grey Sloan feeling tried and dull. Today is not gonna be a good day.
As I walked past the pit, I can feel someone's eyes on me. I turned towards one of the medical beds and saw Vik looking at me with a desire in his eyes. Horny interns. He flashed me a smirk to which I gave a glare back. I may not care if anyone found out about us, but I surely do not need any distractions during work, especially during surgery.
As I turned the corner of a hallway, I saw Jackson talking with Maggie. Oh right, they are a thing aren't they? Maggie said something which has caused Jackson to laugh. I haven't seen him laugh like that in a long time.
Ever since Montana, he has been ignoring me ever since. At first, I actually thought Montana meant something to me. To him. But I guess I was mistaken. All it ever was, was a stupid meaningless one-night stand. I quickly told myself to look away and that his business was none of mines. Not anymore.
After I got changed into my navy blue scrubs, I walked to the OR board. Dr. Webber was standing there, analyzing which surgeries he was in. I quietly stood next to him and looked at the surgeries which I was a part of.
"Fine morning isn't it Kepner?" he said cheerfully while taking a sip of his coffee.
I looked at him with a narrow eye. Since when he is so cheery?
"I guess." I replied while looking over the board.
"Why what's wrong with you?"
He turned to face me with the same narrow eye I gave him.
"Nothing's wrong with me." I said while walking over to get a patient's charts.
"It just seems as if your unhappy about something."
"I'm not unhappy, I'm fine. Now if you'll excuse me I have a patient I need to check on."
I quickly walked past him and towards the patient's room. Along the way Vik saw me and walked up next to me.
"What do you want? Didn't I make it clear that were keeping things professional during work? I don't need any more mistakes during surgery."
"Well, Dr. Kepner, I'm on your service today."
I quickly stopped and turned to face him.
"Since when?"
"Since this morning."
"No, I was supposed to have someone else today."
"Well that someone else called in sick." he replied back while taking a step towards me.
I took a step back and gave him a long icy glare. Does he not know what personal space is?
"Fine, but do not intervene with my work, understood?"
"Perfectly."
"Jenny Yolks, 14, came in two days ago presenting symptoms of abdominal aortic aneurysm, which were pain in the lower and side abdomen, as well as nausea."
As Vik finished with presenting the patient, Meredith and Alex walked in.
"Glad both of you are able to join us, Dr. Grey and Dr. Karev." I said while giving both of them a sharp look. I hate people who are late, especially doctors.
Meredith gave me a confusing look while Alex just shrugged it off.
"Were terribly sorry, traffic was quite heavy." Meredith said apologetically.
"Well that's alright, Dr. Kepner here was just about to tell us what our next steps are." Mrs. Yolks said with a smile.
"Yes, Jenny is going to undergo a simply surgery that will fix the aneurysm." I said with a small smile.
"And after that she is going to be fine?" Mrs. Yolks said with some concern.
It was understandable why she was concerned. All moms would be.
"Yes, she is going to be just fine." I said while smiling at both Jenny and her mom.
"Oh you heard that Jenny? You're going to be just fine." Mrs. Yolks said while giving Jenny a light hug.
"Well, we are going to prep for the surgery and will be back momentarily." I said while closing the charts and motioning everyone to get out.
As I walked to give the charts to the nurse behind the desk, something caught my eye. I saw Matthew talking to a nurse and signing a paper. I felt like I needed to say something to him. I did say something to him a few days ago, but he completely ignored me.
I was about to walk over to him, when he saw me, gave me a cold look, and quickly walked away. I sighed and gave the charts to the nurse.
"You okay Kepner?" Meredith's spoke behind me.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I said while still not facing her.
"Well, you just seem, I don't know, off today."
"And whys that?" I said turning around to look at her and Alex.
"Well, you did go all evil swan at us back in the patient's room." Alex said while signing a chart.
"You guys were late and I would hardly call it going all evil swan on you guys."
"I know, but-"
I didn't let Meredith finish. I'm sick of being all nice and that to everyone. If they deserve to get a little attitude, then they will get one.
"But what? Are you going to say I'm always the sweet and forgiving April who never gives anyone an attitude when they deserve one? Well guess what? Screw that." I replied while storming away.
"Damn, Kepner grew a pair."