Title: Final Fantasy: The Evil Audition
Series: Final Fantasy Mystic Quest to Final Fantasy 8
Genre: Comedy, Bizarre
Rating: Mild language, text and some subjects may be a little offensive.
Award: 2nd Place Winner Animaritime Fanfiction Contest
Summary:
It came to the cast of characters from Final Fantasy that "Final Fantasy" was being repetitive somewhat. They decide that it was time to design their own Final Fantasy and to audition most of the evil characters from the previous series to see who would be worthy enough of being the "final boss" of their created game. It's time for an "American Idol" style of audition mixed with wacky interviews…
Final Fantasy: The Evil Audition
Aeris, Galuf, Reuben, Selphie and Celes entered the audition room, their face were neutral. They were the designated judges for the audition. Why so many of them? A difference of opinion were the words of the director…
"Well, this is it…" Galuf spoke while pulling his chair and sitting. A strange tingle in his back made his face contort in pain. It felt like a needle.
"I hope we have interesting characters!" cheerfully added Aeris who sat next to the old wizard.
Reuben looked at the cakes and other snacks that were on the table with hungry eyes, he noticed that Selphie did the same.
"Well this ought to be good." he smiled.
"I'm sure it will be! All this sugar is encouraging me to stay here!" Selphie exclaimed in a high pitch voice.
Everyone covered their ears for a moment, Selphie's voice was the most annoying thing next to the "Numa-Numa internet dancer".
"Let's just start, shall we?" Celes took her place.
"YES!" the group cheered.
The first participant was Doom King from Final Fantasy Mystic Quest which was released in October 1992. Because of his numerous arms, he seems to have some difficulty penetrating the audition room. After a few minutes of struggling, he finally reached his chair, his face doesn't seem to express anything else but interior agony. Selphie reads the profile of Doom King to her colleagues and laughs a little.
"Attempt at destroying the elemental energy crystals which forms the balance on the planet" she spoke in an ironic voice.
"Sounds like "déjà vu" to me." Galuf smiles.
"He sounds like a happy evil person to me." Aeris joyfully pronounced.
"So, Mr. Doom King, what are your past crimes and what are your most evil intentions for this new video game?" Celes blew the first question softly.
Doom King's face contorted a little and in the terror of his eyes he achieved what seemed to be a smile. Not a very good one. He raised an eyebrow and looked at the judges.
"I must kill Benjamin." he spoke.
The judges looked at each other, Galuf threw the second question in anticipation, this was quite interesting. That killing one specific character was interesting.
"What about your ultimate purposes in life?" he asked.
"I must kill Benjamin." he answered in the same monotonous voice and facial expression he had used for the first answer.
Reuben cupped his hands on his face and swallowed the laughter that was growing rapidly in his throat, this was really stupid. No, it had been stupid to even think that an old evil videogame character even stood a chance to have its place in this audition.
Selphie jumped off her chair and went in front of Doom King.
"Watch this one guys!" she smiled.
"Yes! It is absolute, I must kill Benjamin!" he spoke with monotony.
"Sir Doom King, are you … into boys?" she softly spoke.
"Yes! It is absolute…" raising one of his many arms, Doom King did not seem to realize the meaning of the words he had just said. "Benjamin was is into boys? Does it mean he will finally be able to fall in love with me!!! For all these years… I …"
While Reuben fell off his chair in laughter, Galuf revised the profile and looked at his comrades.
"So that was the default that was written here in small letters… It says: Repeats everything twice." he smiled.
"Ahhhhhhhhh…" the group released in understanding, some even nodded. Reuben curiously scratching the back of his head, it itched him so much it was almost impossible to believe this pain existed.
Celes looked at the poor confused Doom King and showed him gently the door.
"Out you go, not worthy of our time" she smiled. "NEXT!!!!" screaming on the top of her lungs.
Kefka, the evil within the Final Fantasy 6 game entered the room, his maniacal laughter filling the room in an echo of high pitch screams. Grabbing the chair violently, he pushed his cape backward and sat down.
"Hello Kefka" spoke Galuf while reading the vilain's profile "It seems to me you have such a nice evil character… Esper killing, death to a generation of Doma Knights, destroying the world of balance and molding it into the world of ruins…"
"Well you know" started Kefka "These actions were only small victories compared to the evilness I have in mind…" his maniac laughter refilled the room again, most of the judges needing to cover their ears.
"So mister Kefka…" Celes removed gently the plugs from her ears. "What were you doing before you came here?"
"Now, that is a very interesting question!" he exclaimed. "I was just torching South Figaro with a brand new bunch of Espers and then, I was about to feed my cat when I heard about your audition so…"
He was interrupted by an excited Selphie.
"Tell me your plans for the future!" she giggles while dropping a spoonful of sugar in her too sweetened-already "coffee".
"Well, I'd like to tear open General Celes and feed her to my beautiful Cerberus, then after, I'd like to feed my cat…" he cutely smiled.
"That's it, no, no, NO! Out, you are OUT! NEXT!!" Celes pointed the door.
"You can't handle me baby… I'll see you after this, ok?" he winked to Celes and march happily toward the exit.
Next, came in Sephiroth. His eyes widened as soon as he saw Aeris sitting at a chair.
"I thought I had KILLED YOU!" he furiously pointed at Aeris.
"Well, we assembled a complicated ritual that included all of the phoenixes from all of the Final Fantasies to revive her, so there, now will you sit down sir Sephiroth?" Reuben explained. Aeris rubbed her poor foot which was hurting a lot, wondering where the pain could come from.
"Let's get to the point here…" answered a grumpy Aeris. "What do you think is evil?"
"Well, first of all, I think that mother should rule the planet with I, to her side and we should destroy the planet and rule over the other planet while using this planet as a vessel for our work and then…" Sephiroth answered without taking a breath.
"Mama's boy…" Selphie pouted.
"Wha-???" Sephiroth exclaimed as he bursted into tears reaching as fast as he could for the exit while blowing in his handkerchief.
"That was mean, Selphie…" Celes looked at the high caffeinated girl.
"Meh…" was all she replied to the remark.
Next up was Ultimecia from Final Fantasy 8, she entered difficultly the room because of her large transformation, sitting was even harder because of the other body hanging instead at the place where he legs should have been. Selphie held her laughter in the back of her mind as this contorted piece of "art" tried to sit down on the chair.
"Let's be quick on this one guys, I have to go home soon to cook for Locke." yawned Celes.
"Alright" Galuf started reading the profile.
"What are your most evil intentions, miss Ultimecia…" Reuben asked.
"Time…" Ultimecia answered.
"Ok… Could you elaborate on that please?" he asked.
"… it will not wait." she replied.
"I'm not sure I underst-.." he was cut short by her again.
"No matter how hard you try…" she continued.
"… It escapes you, yada, yada, yada… I heard that more then enough already… Nope, not cut out, out you go…" Selphie pointed the door.
Ultimecia left the room difficultly again because of her lack of legs. The judges all turned in their paperwork to the front desk and headed to their original game portal.
"So, who did you vote for?" Galuf asked Reuben.
"I kinda liked that Sephiroth guy…" Reuben answered.
"Yeah, he was pretty good!" Celes replied. "What about you Aeris, who did you vote for?"
Noticing Selphie already gone, she turned to her team mates and whispered gently the name of the person she voted for. The group all turned around and looked at each other. "Why?" they all responded. She whispered her answer and they all went back to the front desk changing the names on their respective sheets. The woman at the desk looked at them questioningly and placed the papers back to where they belonged as soon as they gave it back.
Everyone returned home to a great supper waiting for them, except for Selphie. As soon as she was in Balamb Garden, locked in her room, she opened her closet only to reveal what she was hiding from everyone else…
A few homemade voodoo dolls of various characters fell from the closet.
"Now, who should I torture next?" she smiled with her caffeinated mind, dropping the homemade voodoo dolls of Reuben, Aeris, Galuf and Celes out of her backpack and in the pile accumulated on the floor.
The End