to whom it may concern
I had assembled all the major characters of my stories, the lovely young women that I chose to focus on in my pursuit of literary whateverism,, and now simply waited for them to quiet down so that I could deliver to them the sad news that I had to bring.
I could have just written an essay (or a manifesto) but I decided to do it this way instead because the absurd nature of it appealed to me. Besides, being in a room full of gorgeous women has always been a staple of my twisted imaginary life.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer, being the character that fanfiction readers most frequently chose to read about, became the group's leader by default. I singled her out, took her by the hand, and led her to the center of the room, and while all the other girls watched I participated with her in some decidedly censorable physical exploits which, until recently, I was free to describe in this forum.
You'll just have to use your imagination.
Afterward, I passed her around to all of my male friends (and a few of the female ones), then again stood in the center of the room (which bears a striking resemblance to my apartment) and, once again, waited for everyone to quiet down. This took some time, since women and girls tend to be rather chatty creatures, especially when they're complaining about me.
Finally, the relatively small group became silent and I said, "Good afternoon, ladies."
Immediately a pale feminine hand shot up.
"Yes, Sabrina?" I said.
"Excuse me, Mad Bohemian," Sabrina The Teenage Witch said, "but I have a question."
"What's your question?"
"Is it afternoon already?"
"Yes, it's afternoon already. Now, the reason I called you all together-"
"Are you sure? Because I really thought it was morning."
"It's afternoon, Sabrina," I said.
"I'm sore," Buffy said.
"I'm an insufferable Christian," Lucy Camden said.
"I'm a demigoddess," Mary Marvel said.
"I'm filled with angst," Batgirl said.
"I'm in love with Janie," Angela Hayes said.
"I'm gonna be sick," Jane Burnham said.
"I think I'm kinda gay," Willow Rosenberg said.
"I'm just glad to be out of prison," Faith The Other Vampire Slayer said.
"What's that dead cat doing here?"
The girls all began talking at once and I had to shout to get them to quiet down again.
"Okay," I said, "the reason I called you all-yes, Sabrina?"
"Why is there a mirror sitting next to me?" Sabrina asked.
"I'm not a mirror," Clarissa Darling said.
Just then Lizzie McGuire came strolling in, upsetting the proceedings since I haven't posted any stories about her yet. I let her stay, although due to the new rules set down by Fanfiction.net I'm not at liberty to say why.
"You mean Fanfiction.net has new rules?" Mary Marvel asked.
"Yes, Mary, they do," I replied. "That's the reason I called you all together, to discuss the-what is it now, Sabrina?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Wow, that's strange," Clarissa Darling said, "I have to go too."
"So do I," Buffy said.
"So do I," Lucy Camden said.
"So do I," Mary Marvel said.
"Me too," Batgirl said.
"Me too," Angela Hayes said.
"I still have to throw up," Jane Burnham said as she pushed Angela's hand off of her knee.
"I have to go pee," Willow said.
"Me too," Faith said.
"Oh great," LIzzie McGuire said, "now I have have to go too. And so does my animated alter ego."
"Alright," I said, "you can all go. But make it quick."
The girls all got up and went into the bathroom at the same time, which would be impossible in reality because the bathroom is barely large enough to accomodate one person at a time, and I waited impatiently for them to return.
(scene deleted due to new fanfiction.net censorship rules)
The girls finally returned, milling around in a crowd until I could get them all seated again (on the floor; I live alone and don't own a huge number of chairs). As soon as everyone was sitting down I tried again to explain to them why I'd called them together.
"Now," I said, "concerning the new rules that have been imposed upon the contributors to fanfiction. Apparently, there've been some complaints about kids under the age of eighteen accessing the NC-17 stories, and as a result the people running Fanfiction.net have decided to take down all the NC-17 stories which, unfortunately, include almost all the stories I've posted there in the last year and a half. Yes, Sabrina?"
"Um, I don't understand," Sabrina said. "Why would these kids read these stories and then complain about them?"
Several of the other girls laughed softly and I said, "Actually, that's not really a bad question. The kids reading these stories aren't the ones complaining, though. The people complaining are the parents of these children, who are upset that their kids can have such easy access to adult material. Yes, Sabrina?"
"Why don't the parents just supervise their children more effectively instead of forcing the people at Fanfiction.net to violate your right to free speech?"
"Another good question, Sabrina. That's two in a row. Angela, please stop doing that fascinating thing that I can't describe to Janie, please. Thank you. The answer, Sabrina, is that the parents who are complaining are too much like most people in this world, they see a problem that they could easily take care of themselves, but instead of taking action that would require them to bear any kind of responsibility they choose to put the responsibility and the blame onto someone else's shoulders. Instead of being adequate parents, they simply send emails to Fanfiction.net and threaten to bring lawsuits unless censorship is imposed. A sad reality, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it. Well, almost nothing. Yes, Sabrina?"
"I accidentally tied my shoelaces in knots."
"I'll help you with that later on, dear. Just come see me once the story's finished. Yes, Mary?"
"I have a suggestion," Mary Marvel said. "Why don't we just use our superpowers to force them to do what we want?"
Several of the other superpowered girls agreed.
"For two reasons, Mary," I said. "One, this is America, and in America we don't force other people to adopt our points of view. Well, that's the theory, anyway. And two, you're all fictional characters and therefore can't force any real human beings to do anything."
"That sucks," Buffy said.
Willow raised her hand.
"Yes, Willow?" I said.
"Does this mean that I can't say I wanna expletive deleted Buffy?"
"Yes, it does, Willow. Sorry."
"Oh my gosh!" Lizzie McGuire said, leaping to her feet. "Is there no solution to this horrible travesty of justice?" Her animated alter ego trembled and wobbled on her cartoon feet, then fell face first onto the floor.
"Yes, LIzzie, there is a solution," I said. "Not the best solution, of course, but one that will work, at least for now. I've taken all of my posted stories down from Fanfiction.net and am now in the process of having them posted at other sites. The two that come to mind right off the bat," (Batgirl laughed softly and said, "Right off the bat, that's funny.") "are Soupfiction.net and Superstories.net. Hopefully, you'll be able to go to those sites and find all of my stories there soon, as well as some that haven't been posted yet. At the same time, I'm involved in an agonizing effort to create my own web page through Yahoo. Unfortunately, I can't promise that the web page will ever get up and running, since they apparently keep changing my password or something. Besides, when it comes to that kind of stuff I seem to be as stupid as Sabrina."
"Hey, I think I resent that," Sabrina said.
"Shut up, you moron," Clarissa said.
"You shut up, you mirror," Sabrina shot back.
"Don't tell that fabulously endowed girl to shut up," Willow said. "She happens to be a great expletive deleted."
"Excuse me," Buffy said, "I'm sitting right here, Willow."
Suddenly all the girls were squabbling with each other and I lost control of the meeting. Several things happened which I can't describe, and as all of that went on I called out to them, reminding them to look for my stories at Soupfiction.net and Superstories.net, and I thanked all the people who'd read my stories at Fanfiction and had given me all the wonderful reviews.
And as soon as the meeting was over I helped Sabrina tie her shoes.
I had assembled all the major characters of my stories, the lovely young women that I chose to focus on in my pursuit of literary whateverism,, and now simply waited for them to quiet down so that I could deliver to them the sad news that I had to bring.
I could have just written an essay (or a manifesto) but I decided to do it this way instead because the absurd nature of it appealed to me. Besides, being in a room full of gorgeous women has always been a staple of my twisted imaginary life.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer, being the character that fanfiction readers most frequently chose to read about, became the group's leader by default. I singled her out, took her by the hand, and led her to the center of the room, and while all the other girls watched I participated with her in some decidedly censorable physical exploits which, until recently, I was free to describe in this forum.
You'll just have to use your imagination.
Afterward, I passed her around to all of my male friends (and a few of the female ones), then again stood in the center of the room (which bears a striking resemblance to my apartment) and, once again, waited for everyone to quiet down. This took some time, since women and girls tend to be rather chatty creatures, especially when they're complaining about me.
Finally, the relatively small group became silent and I said, "Good afternoon, ladies."
Immediately a pale feminine hand shot up.
"Yes, Sabrina?" I said.
"Excuse me, Mad Bohemian," Sabrina The Teenage Witch said, "but I have a question."
"What's your question?"
"Is it afternoon already?"
"Yes, it's afternoon already. Now, the reason I called you all together-"
"Are you sure? Because I really thought it was morning."
"It's afternoon, Sabrina," I said.
"I'm sore," Buffy said.
"I'm an insufferable Christian," Lucy Camden said.
"I'm a demigoddess," Mary Marvel said.
"I'm filled with angst," Batgirl said.
"I'm in love with Janie," Angela Hayes said.
"I'm gonna be sick," Jane Burnham said.
"I think I'm kinda gay," Willow Rosenberg said.
"I'm just glad to be out of prison," Faith The Other Vampire Slayer said.
"What's that dead cat doing here?"
The girls all began talking at once and I had to shout to get them to quiet down again.
"Okay," I said, "the reason I called you all-yes, Sabrina?"
"Why is there a mirror sitting next to me?" Sabrina asked.
"I'm not a mirror," Clarissa Darling said.
Just then Lizzie McGuire came strolling in, upsetting the proceedings since I haven't posted any stories about her yet. I let her stay, although due to the new rules set down by Fanfiction.net I'm not at liberty to say why.
"You mean Fanfiction.net has new rules?" Mary Marvel asked.
"Yes, Mary, they do," I replied. "That's the reason I called you all together, to discuss the-what is it now, Sabrina?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Wow, that's strange," Clarissa Darling said, "I have to go too."
"So do I," Buffy said.
"So do I," Lucy Camden said.
"So do I," Mary Marvel said.
"Me too," Batgirl said.
"Me too," Angela Hayes said.
"I still have to throw up," Jane Burnham said as she pushed Angela's hand off of her knee.
"I have to go pee," Willow said.
"Me too," Faith said.
"Oh great," LIzzie McGuire said, "now I have have to go too. And so does my animated alter ego."
"Alright," I said, "you can all go. But make it quick."
The girls all got up and went into the bathroom at the same time, which would be impossible in reality because the bathroom is barely large enough to accomodate one person at a time, and I waited impatiently for them to return.
(scene deleted due to new fanfiction.net censorship rules)
The girls finally returned, milling around in a crowd until I could get them all seated again (on the floor; I live alone and don't own a huge number of chairs). As soon as everyone was sitting down I tried again to explain to them why I'd called them together.
"Now," I said, "concerning the new rules that have been imposed upon the contributors to fanfiction. Apparently, there've been some complaints about kids under the age of eighteen accessing the NC-17 stories, and as a result the people running Fanfiction.net have decided to take down all the NC-17 stories which, unfortunately, include almost all the stories I've posted there in the last year and a half. Yes, Sabrina?"
"Um, I don't understand," Sabrina said. "Why would these kids read these stories and then complain about them?"
Several of the other girls laughed softly and I said, "Actually, that's not really a bad question. The kids reading these stories aren't the ones complaining, though. The people complaining are the parents of these children, who are upset that their kids can have such easy access to adult material. Yes, Sabrina?"
"Why don't the parents just supervise their children more effectively instead of forcing the people at Fanfiction.net to violate your right to free speech?"
"Another good question, Sabrina. That's two in a row. Angela, please stop doing that fascinating thing that I can't describe to Janie, please. Thank you. The answer, Sabrina, is that the parents who are complaining are too much like most people in this world, they see a problem that they could easily take care of themselves, but instead of taking action that would require them to bear any kind of responsibility they choose to put the responsibility and the blame onto someone else's shoulders. Instead of being adequate parents, they simply send emails to Fanfiction.net and threaten to bring lawsuits unless censorship is imposed. A sad reality, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it. Well, almost nothing. Yes, Sabrina?"
"I accidentally tied my shoelaces in knots."
"I'll help you with that later on, dear. Just come see me once the story's finished. Yes, Mary?"
"I have a suggestion," Mary Marvel said. "Why don't we just use our superpowers to force them to do what we want?"
Several of the other superpowered girls agreed.
"For two reasons, Mary," I said. "One, this is America, and in America we don't force other people to adopt our points of view. Well, that's the theory, anyway. And two, you're all fictional characters and therefore can't force any real human beings to do anything."
"That sucks," Buffy said.
Willow raised her hand.
"Yes, Willow?" I said.
"Does this mean that I can't say I wanna expletive deleted Buffy?"
"Yes, it does, Willow. Sorry."
"Oh my gosh!" Lizzie McGuire said, leaping to her feet. "Is there no solution to this horrible travesty of justice?" Her animated alter ego trembled and wobbled on her cartoon feet, then fell face first onto the floor.
"Yes, LIzzie, there is a solution," I said. "Not the best solution, of course, but one that will work, at least for now. I've taken all of my posted stories down from Fanfiction.net and am now in the process of having them posted at other sites. The two that come to mind right off the bat," (Batgirl laughed softly and said, "Right off the bat, that's funny.") "are Soupfiction.net and Superstories.net. Hopefully, you'll be able to go to those sites and find all of my stories there soon, as well as some that haven't been posted yet. At the same time, I'm involved in an agonizing effort to create my own web page through Yahoo. Unfortunately, I can't promise that the web page will ever get up and running, since they apparently keep changing my password or something. Besides, when it comes to that kind of stuff I seem to be as stupid as Sabrina."
"Hey, I think I resent that," Sabrina said.
"Shut up, you moron," Clarissa said.
"You shut up, you mirror," Sabrina shot back.
"Don't tell that fabulously endowed girl to shut up," Willow said. "She happens to be a great expletive deleted."
"Excuse me," Buffy said, "I'm sitting right here, Willow."
Suddenly all the girls were squabbling with each other and I lost control of the meeting. Several things happened which I can't describe, and as all of that went on I called out to them, reminding them to look for my stories at Soupfiction.net and Superstories.net, and I thanked all the people who'd read my stories at Fanfiction and had given me all the wonderful reviews.
And as soon as the meeting was over I helped Sabrina tie her shoes.