Dear Gerry,
There's only so much time someone can wait for another person, no one can wait forever. I know this but do nothing about it. You see you've been nothing but lovely to me for years and I know you love me and I think I love you too. In my head the idea of being a happy couple sounds like a good one, in reality though I can't do it.
I seem to have these walls built up around me and there so high now that I can't see over them, there's no way in and there's no way out. I can't remember how long they've been there, that probably says a lot, and I don't know why they're there. I can see you're not going to set out to hurt me but despite me really wanting to, I just can't take the step forward that we both want but I so desperately fear.
You shower me with compliments and you're completely there when I need someone and instead of being like anyone else and accepting help, I push you away. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. I know that you won't wait for me forever and that you'll get fed up of the way I'm treating him. I do feel bad because it's not fair on you, every so often I think I'm ready and I take a little step forward and that gives you hope and then I take a giant step back. It's a dance of one step forward, three steps back. I've told you, you deserve better but you won't accept it.
I can't get close to people and I don't know why I can't. It gets lonely sometimes and then I have no one to turn to and that's my fault again. I can't do the whole 'I love you' or close friendship things, it's just not something I ever learnt to do. I can't do people touching me, unless I'm initiating it or a willing participant, both of which is a rarity.
You've got to understand though, I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to lead you on. I want to be with you, and if that's all you take from this then I suppose that's fine, I just don't know how to. Waiting for me is fine I suppose but when you get fed up, just go. Don't let me hurt you with the way I am.
I hope you understand.
Sandra x
Now that was the easier bit of her plan done, now that she'd poured her heart onto the sheet of paper all she had left to do was send it. She had a feeling that that was going to take a lot more courage to do and courage was something she was lacking just now.
