Chapter 1
Stamford, Connecticut, he didn't know he could loathe a place so much, he had to leave Scranton, he thought he hated it there, his family not leaving him alone, Pam, who left him alone, alone in his life without someone to love him, he had poured out his feelings, finally, but Stamford was worse, a reminder of his failures and cowardice, running away. He wanted to scream when he thought of her and Roy, her and fucking Roy Anderson, what a sad irony that his beautiful Pam Beesly would soon be another Pamela Anderson. Of course, the problem was, his problem, was that Pam had never been his, he thought she already knew how he felt, how he loved her, he knew she felt similarly, she had admitted as much the night he finally worked up the courage to tell her everything and kiss her, but then she said she would still marry him, him being Roy, not him, Jim, and that was too much to take.
His last month in Scranton he hadn't been sleeping, it had happened to him before, but this time it was worse, even when he would go two days with no sleep he found himself awake at night, his heart beating fast, his mouth dry, his thoughts torturing him with images of Mrs. Pamela Anderson. His roommate Mark told him he thought he might have clinical depression, Mark had it, so he might know, but Jim's problems revolved around a girl, not his brain, of course his brain could not stop obsessing about the girl.
Jim had made up his mind about Stamford two weeks before he was supposed to leave, he hadn't told anyone, he had barely admitted it to himself, which is why a week before he was supposed to leave he finally took the chance with Pam, a last-ditch effort to give himself a reason to stay, the reason to stay.
The night of the Casino fundraiser, after his heart had been ripped out, he called Jan, he was still calm, he wouldn't allow himself to cry until he was alone, he had always been good at keeping his true feelings hidden, his brothers had always tormented him when he showed any emotions, so he hid them from most people. He shed a few tears, but only a few and he wished he could have stopped those, but even if she didn't know it, his heart had been the property of Pam Beesly since the day he met her.
His call to Jan had been brief, he told her he would go ahead and take his last week at Scranton off, she had offered to give him two weeks to move and get settled, as part of relocation package, but he thought staying busy would be better, be with his Scranton friends, but now, he couldn't face anyone, especially Pam, so he ran.
Jan was accommodating, she told Jim that of course he could have the original two weeks, his company condo was all ready for him, unfurnished, but everything else ready to go. He hired a moving company, Dunder Mifflin gave him five thousand for a short move, so he might as well, but he had them pack everything and agree to set up his new condo just like his apartment, he needed some things to at least be similar. All the furniture was his anyways, but he gave Mark five hundred dollars to buy some things, a gift for ditching out on him.
He spent one night in a hotel in Stamford, on the right on the beach, he thought maybe the sound of the ocean would lull him to sleep, but whenever he closed his eyes, he only felt her skin as he held her that night, the feel of the fabric of her dress, the sound of their kiss, the scent of her perfume. The two hours he slept that night had tormented him, dreams that he was actually with Pam, only to wake up in the town he had run to in order to escape her memory. The next morning was a Tuesday, he still had a week and half before he had to work, he needed to right his head before starting at his new branch.
When he got to his new condo Tuesday night, after hanging out at the beach, pretty much by himself on a rainy day, his couch and tv were set up, just like in his last apartment, the condo was even two stories, two bedrooms, and two baths just like his last place, he sighed when he saw the movers had even set up the pictures he had out, there were only three, one of him and his family, one of the Dunder Mifflin gang, and one of he and Pam at Michael's birthday party at the ice skating rink.
Jim walked upstairs, his clothes had all been unpacked in his dresser, his bed set up, his posters of the Sixers, Phillies, and Eagles all up, everything was like it had been, that's when the tears came, not of sadness, but out of frustration and from a place inside he didn't know, he felt anger and disgust, but not at Pam, deep down he couldn't blame her, he was disgusted by himself.
He slammed his fist on the wall and screamed at himself, he wondered what his neighbors would think and then stopped, he turned on the shower, the water came out cold, he didn't care, he was still clothed, he didn't care, he didn't even know why, but soon he was in his shower, laying down, his clothes on and cold water pouring down over him. As the water ran over his body, he released his tears, his frustrations, his pain. He had felt like this before, but it was rare, he hated when it happened, he felt weak, but the last time had been his second year in college, that time there was no catalyst, it just happened.
His mind was numb, he just concentrated on the water hitting him, cold and punishing, he shivered but he didn't give a fuck, he felt like he deserved it for being so pathetic. He started to feel the exhaustion of the past month wash over him, he might have fallen asleep if he hadn't heard his name being screamed.
When Jim opened his eyes from the floor of shower where he lay, he was startled to see his sister, Larissa, in tears, yelling his name.
"Jim Halpert, what the fuck are you doing?" She was crying and obviously confused by the sight of her large older brother cowering in the shower.
Jim sighed deeply, he slowly got up and turned off the water, "Larissa, please stop, I'm okay."
"The fuck you are James Duncan Halpert, mom was worried about you, that's why I drove down from Hartford. What the hell were you thinking?"
Jim felt some bitterness and anger rise in him, his sister was probably the last person on the planet to deserve it, but she was about to get some nonetheless, "I think I thought I'm a grown ass man who has his own place who could do what he wants, did I mention my own place, not yours."
Larissa hugged him, soaking herself as she did, "then don't leave the door unlocked dipshit. You're depressed, you need help."
Jim rolled his eyes, "yeah I'm depressed, it's why I moved here and am moving on."
Larissa smacked his upper shoulder, hard, "Jimmy, you're not fooling anybody, you have actual depression, mom told me, I mean it makes sense, Dad does, Tom does."
Jim pulled away, angry, "whatever, I'm fine, okay, I'm fine, I just need space, which apparently is hard to find."
Larissa pointed her finger at him harshly, "Jim, you hate talking about it, but it's happened before, in high school, once in college, mom told me. You never want help, why not?"
"Larissa, this is different, I'm depressed because the woman I loved and thought loved me rejected me." Jim sat down on the lidded toilet as he said this.
Larissa put a hand on his shoulder, "Jim, buddy, that might have triggered it this time, but it doesn't make it less real or less of a problem."
Larissa left the bathroom and walked into his bedroom, he could hear his drawers being opened and the zipper of a bag, "Larissa, what the hell, that's my room."
When he entered his bedroom, still dripping on the carpet, Larissa held up his small red duffle bag, "I'm packing a few days' worth of clothes, I'm going to mom and dad's house, I just finished finals today and was going home for a week and mom asked me to check on you. Good thing too."
Jim shouted, "I'm not going home, are you fucking insane?"
Larissa took a deep breath, "no, I think that goes to the person who was crying with his clothes on in a freezing cold shower, don't you?"
Jim's face contorted with anger, "that's not funny Larissa?"
She met his gaze and wouldn't back down, "no it's not, Jim, no it's not, which is why you're coming with me, or I call mom and she can stay the next month with you making sure you don't do something stupid."
Jim's mind raced, his mom worried about her sons and depression, his dad had gone through it, he would retreat to their bedroom and sleep so much for a year so, then with time and medications he got to be like his old self again, he could picture his mom staying with him, until she though he was okay, which might not ever happen. He lowered his head in defeat and his body slumped, "fine, I'll go, let me dry off and change, I'll stay two nights, and then you're driving me back."
Larissa considered it for a second, "fine, I'll drive you home and back on Thursday, but Thursday night."
"Okay."
"Good, I'm glad my finals finished when they did. I'm glad you're going to live closer to me Jim, I'm excited you can come and see some of my Lacrosse games, I mean, I am the only Halpert to get a real athletic scholarship."
Jim shook his head, "I played in college, until I quit."
"At a division two school because you were afraid you couldn't cut it, despite all the offers you got. Wow, Jim, these things sound like depression, doubting yourself, quitting your favorite things."
Jim sighed, "I already said I'm coming with you, can you stop being obnoxious."
Larissa chuckled at him, "fine, I'll try, it's a good thing I'm not Tom or Pete, they can't not be obnoxious."
Jim nodded and laughed.
