Warning: Spoilers from this week's episode.

So I've been thinking about writing this since I first read certain spoilers...but after this past week's episode, I just couldn't let the idea go. I consulted with a few people on twitter (by the way, I'm so happy that I'm on twitter and get to chat with all you lovely people) and decided to give it a go. The first chapter is a little shaky and it is not as long. But...if you guys like the idea, I will definitely continue this. Let me know? Please and thank you? :)

Also, as always...I get story titles from music. The title was influenced by Brian McKnight's Back at One. :)

Back at One

Chapter One: Repeat Steps One Through Three

Taking a deep breath, Matt raised his fist and knocked on the apartment door. He hadn't spoken to Gabby since last night and he couldn't take it anymore. She wasn't responding to his texts or answering his phone calls and he'd be damned if he let her push him away again. He wasn't going to let their relationship deteriorate from the lack of communication and understanding.

No, not this time.

He didn't want to ever go back to that dark place. The lonely nights had been the hardest—the empty bed and cold sheets. He'd never told anybody this—only Severide knew because he'd witnessed it firsthand—but for the first couple of months after their breakup, Matt spent more nights on the couch than in his bed. It was only after he'd started to feel the discomfort in his muscles did he finally convince himself to start sleeping in the bed again. But even then, he was always usually a few beers in before he'd even consider going to bed.

He'd meant it when he'd told Gabby being with her was the only thing that made sense.

The door swung open and Matt's shoulders immediately fell in disappointment when he came face to face with a blonde and not the beautiful brunette that had his heart.

Sylvie raised a brow, not at all expecting the Lieutenant to be on the other side of her door. It'd be another story if Gabby was home, but she hadn't seen Gabby since that morning. She could tell something was on her mind that morning as the brunette stood in front of the coffee pot, arms crossed and her thoughts far away as she waited for the coffee to brew. But she'd just figured her roommate was dealing with parting from Louie a couple of days before. But after seeing the look on Matt's face, it was clear Louie wasn't the only guy troubling Gabby's thoughts.

"Casey, hey."

"Hey." Matt scratched the back of his head, "I uh…I was looking for Gabby."

"She's not here." Sylvie shrugged, "when I came back from the gym to an empty apartment an hour or so ago I'd just assumed she was spending the night with you again." She laughed nervously, "I mean, she's practically living with you again."

"Yeah…" Matt shook his head and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jackets. "I haven't talked to her since last night."

"Oh…" Sylvie frowned thoughtfully. "Well I know this morning she'd mentioned something about wanting to visit Louie at the group home. Maybe that's where she is?" Sylvie sighed, "she's kind of grown attached to him. You should've seen her when she had to hand him off to DCFS..." Sylvie shook her head, "she didn't want to."

"Yeah…I know…" Matt mumbled. He took a breath, "ok, well thanks. When she returns can you tell her that I stopped by?"

"For sure."

During the entire walk back to his truck, Matt silently contemplated on whether or not he should head over to the group home in search of Gabby. He climbed back into his truck and turned the key, starting the engine before leaning his head back against the head rest. He was exhausted; mentally and physically. His thoughts had been going in a constant and dizzying circle since Gabby had abruptly left his apartment the night before.

Whoever said love wasn't easy knew damn well exactly what they were talking about.


Gabby was in a daze as she moved around Molly's and did the nightly routine of setting all the chairs on top of the tables. Originally, Otis was supposed to close but apparently he'd gotten last minute tickets to some show with this girl and had practically begged Gabby to cover for him. She'd quickly said yes—it was better than her original plans of moping around her and Brett's apartment thinking about Louie and how her relationship with Matt had once again found itself on shaky ground.

"What's on your mind, Dawson?" Herrmann finally asked as he finished up with the deposit.

Gabby shrugged as she put the last chair, "a little bit of everything, I guess."

"Anything in particular you want to talk about?" His gaze softened as Gabby finally looked over at him and he recognized the look of self-doubt in her eyes. It wasn't often that Dawson showed such vulnerability so when she did...Herrmann knew it was serious. "You need a chat with your surrogate old man?"

Gabby couldn't help but grin, "I think I do."

Herrmann nodded towards the bar stool on the other side of the counter, "well come on, kiddo, take a seat. What's troubling ya?"

A few quick strides and Gabby was sliding into the bar stool across from Herrmann. "Remember after..." she cleared her throat, unable to even bring the word to her lips. She took a deep breath, willing herself to keep it together, "when I was in the hospital, you told me that one day I'd make a great mom. Do you really think so?"

"I don't think so...I know so." He watched Gabby carefully—he knew what this was about. "This is about Louie isn't it? Stirred up some feelings for ya, huh?"

Gabby nodded, "I know things will never be the same...a part of me will always mourn what Matt and I lost but I don't know...when I held Louie in my arms it just...it felt like it was meant to be." She looked up at Herrmann, "I want to foster him."

Herrmann wasn't the least bit surprised by Gabby's confession. He'd seen the look on Gabby's face the minute she'd hurried out of the building; Louie had tugged at her heart. "I kinda figured that was coming."

"So you don't think it's a crazy idea?"

"It's not a crazy idea but it's a lot of responsibility...I don't even know all the hoops you have to jump through to become a foster parent." He gave Gabby his crooked, supportive smile, "but if anybody can do it, it's definitely you. Have you talked to Casey about this?"

Gabby sighed, "last night. He said he didn't think it was the best time for us." She shook her head, angry at herself for her actions, "and I did what I do best…I ran away."

"Yeah…" Herrmann drawled, giving Gabby a knowing look, "you should probably work on that, kid."

"I know…I know."

"Tell you what? Why don't you go find Casey and talk to him? I'll finish up here."

Gabby shook her head, "I can't even think straight right now; my words will just come out a mumbled mess."

"Well at least give him a call?" He placed a hand to his heart, "I'm getting old, kid. I'm not sure my heart can take another Dawson and Casey break-up."


Gabby had spent the better part of the past thirty minutes talking to Antonio about Louie. How she'd instantly felt something as soon as she met his eyes under the table in the apartment. How he'd latched onto her and fought to stay in her arms when DCFS came to take him away. She couldn't get him out of her head. No child deserved to be bumped around from foster home to foster home. And how he'd ended up with a foster mother who was using heroin! It was beyond her.

"I want to foster him, Antonio," Gabby finally admitted.

Gabby settled her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands. She rubbed her eyes, "I know it sounds crazy but it was just…the minute I saw him and held him in my arms…" her voice trailed, cracking with emotion. "I don't…I just don't know how to explain it."

"I do." Antonio leaned back and watched his sister carefully. "It's called maternal instinct."

Gabby took a shaky breath and looked up at her brother, "So I'm not crazy? This isn't crazy?"

Antonio tilted his head playfully, "well, I wouldn't say you're not crazy…oomph." Gabby's napkin hit him right in the face. "Hey now!" His smile fell when he caught the look on his little sister's face…she wasn't exactly buying into his attempt at lightening the mood. "Gabs…" he whispered, "don't doubt yourself."

Stuffing her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket, Gabby's anxiety got the best of her and she started bouncing her legs. She glanced out the window, catching sight of Matt jogging across the street towards the café. "And Matt?"

"Talk to him." His eyes followed Matt as he pulled open the door, walked over to them and slid into the booth with Gabby.

"Hey…sorry I'm late." Matt draped an arm around Gabby and kissed the top of her head; fully aware of the less than friendly stare he was currently receiving from Antonio. It was the clear the siblings had been talking about him before he'd gotten there. He smiled, happy that Gabby didn't pull away from him but had actually settled into his side. He noticed the plate full of pancakes in from of her, "dream pancakes?"

Gabby smiled and scooted the plate towards Matt, "dig in, Babe."

Antonio cleared his throat and stretched back against the booth so he could reach into his pocket and pull out some cash. He counted it out—adding a generous tip before tossing it on the table. "Well, I think this my cue to go." He slid out of the booth, grabbing his jacket along the way. He gave his sister a knowing look, "Call me later, ok?"

Gabby nodded, "I will."

Antonio turned his attention to Matt, his eyes not as soft, "nice seeing you again, Matt."

Matt gave a nervous nod, "yeah…you too." Matt waited until Antonio left the café before moving to sit across from Gabby. "I should apologize," he whispered, reaching across the table and taking her hands in his. "I was caught off guard by what you'd suggested and I don't think I reacted in the best way-"

Gabby shook her head and cut Matt off, "no. I'm the one that should apologize. I shouldn't have run out like I did." She took a breath and laughed nervously, "as several people have so kindly reminded me, I have a habit of running away from situations when I get upset." She dropped her gaze to their intertwined fingers in the center of the table, "I just…I shut down. And that's not fair to you."

"But I shut you down and that's not fair to you." Pulling one of his hands back, he tiredly rubbed the side of his face, surprised by the stubble he felt. He'd barely slept and when he'd gotten the text from Gabby to meet him at Over Easy, he'd rolled out of bed and hopped in the shower—not bothering to stop and shave. "If I'm honest…the way I saw you holding Louie, it brought up all these what-ifs and what could've been scenarios."

Closing her eyes, Gabby dropped her head and tried to force back her tears. While she knew there would always be a hole in her heart from the baby they'd lost…there was something about holding Louie in her arms that made it a little bit easier to breathe. "Matt…"

"We don't even talk about it, Gabby."

"I know," her voice cracked. "It's just…where do I start? You know?"

"Wherever you want," Matt encouraged. Not liking the distance between them, he got up and he moved so he was once again sitting next to Gabby. Placing a finger under her chin, he tilted her head up so she was now looking at him, "The minute you were cleared to return to work it was like this switch went off inside of you. Like you'd built up this wall…a wall that I couldn't even find a way to get on the other side of…"

"I don't like talking about it," Gabby whispered. "It makes me angry."

"And that's ok!" Matt insisted. "You have every right to be angry. I'm angry, too."

"It wasn't fair," she muttered, dropping her head and attempting to wipe her tears before they fell.

"No, it wasn't." He hesitated, knowing his next words would more than likely anger Gabby, "but I don't want you doing this for the wrong reasons."

Gabby's jaw clenched and she pulled away from Matt, "do you honestly think that's what I'm doing? That I'm using Louie to replace what we lost? Nothing can replace what we lost!" She shook her head, "I'll just do it on my own."

"No." He let out a frustrated sigh, "I don't want to fight about this and I definitely don't want this to tear us apart. I just needed to hear you say it..."

Taking a deep breath, Gabby willed herself to calm down. She reached for Matt's hands, "It was one of the first things I asked myself when I first started considering the idea of us taking Louie in. Because if that were the case, then I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. But that's not why."

"Ok..." Matt nodded, "ok. I just had to ask..." He took a breath, "This isn't gonna be easy, Gabby."

"When has anything ever been easy for us?" She quipped.

Matt smiled, "point taken. But honestly, between both of us working at 51, my alderman duties and your schedule at Molly's…I don't want to bring Louie into an environment that won't be able to give him the proper attention he deserves."

Gabby sat up straight, anxious to throw out Matt's concerns. "And I've thought about that. With Stella helping out at Molly's now, I figured she could probably take on some of my load. That will allow me to be home on the evenings that I'm not on shift. I can cook dinner, give Louie a bath, read him a bedtime story…give him all the attention he deserves and needs."

"And where will he sleep?" Matt asked, a curious brow raised. "Severide's got the spare room."

"Shit," Gabby mumbled. She'd forgotten about that little detail. She sighed, "well Brett's place won't work. I mean…I guess I could find my own place and-"

"No," Matt interrupted, shaking his head. "Absolutely not. You've practically moved back in…there's no way I'm losing you again. I've got you back in my arms…in my bed…" He grinned, "I mean…the other morning, I could wake up to that every morning."

Gabby laughed and leaned her forehead against his, "that was pretty amazing."

"Damn right it was," Matt quipped. He searched Gabby's eyes, "you really want to do this?"

Gabby nodded, "I do." She took a breath, "do you? Because if this isn't something you're really committed to then it won't work out. It'll just cause the both of us and Louie heartbreak and none of us deserve that."

"I'm committed to you, Gabby. I meant what I said the other night, I want a family with you. For as long as I've known you, you've always been by my side and supported me no matter what. You've pushed me to be the best that I can in everything that I do. This whole alderman thing…" Matt shook his head, "that's all you, babe. Now it's my turn to support you. If you want this, then I want this."

"You're sure?"

Matt nodded, "I'm sure."