Palutena's Farting Dilemma
One fine day in the Super Smash Bros Mansion, Lady Palutena decided to cook up some delicious grub for her reluctant captain of the guard, Pit. It really wasn't anything out of the ordinary for her since next to sewing, fencing, and clay-making, cooking was one of Palutena's favorite hobbies. The idea itself never sat well with little Pit however, for he had firsthand experience at witnessing the abominations she could conjure when wielding a frying pan and spatula.
"Lady Palutena, please, I'm begging you," said the angel boy worriedly as he sat at the nearby kitchen table. "Don't make me eat your cooking."
Palutena, who was standing by the stove and stir-frying some freshly cut vegetables, didn't seem at all fazed by the boy's pleas. She was perfectly happy playing the cooking mama for today's midafternoon ritual.
"Oh nonsense, Pit," she replied with a smile as a dab of oil splashed onto her "Kiss the Goddess" apron. "You make it sound as if I'm trying to poison you or something!"
If by poison she met "enchanting carrots and making them demonic," then yes, Pit was afraid for his life. He had already tried making several attempts at making a run for it, however, it didn't help that his goddess had his wings under her complete control. She might as well have just strapped him to the chair in leather bounds. Palutena soon began fishing in the cupboards for some spices to add to her concoction.
"Uh… What I meant to say," said her companion as he tried to think up an excuse, "was that I already ate lunch! Yeah, Mario made a bunch of the others some pizza and I was able to grab a few slices from the game room."
"Nice try," said the goddess with a chuckle. "You know as well as I do that Mario doesn't know how to make pizza. That's just some stereotypical slapstick-gimmick-trait that every fanfiction author gives him. Now, where did I…" Her fingers filed through the various containers in the upper cupboard, and thank goodness she was wearing high-heels, otherwise she'd probably find herself climbing on top of the counter. From basils to oreganos to mints and peppers, she searched and searched for just the right ingredient to finish off her magnificent dish. She couldn't help but give a small frown upon realizing that the spice she was looking for was nowhere in sight. "That's strange. Where did all the garlic go?" The lack of response from her subordinate caused her to turn around only to notice that Pit had actually flown the coop again. With a sigh, she grabbed her sceptre, which had been carefully leaned against the nearby counter, and gave it a twirl. Pit came flying back into the room, albeit against his will, screaming and hollering at the top of his lungs until he was properly seated again.
"Don't do this to me Lady Palutena!" he whined. "I'm too young to die!"
"You've still got a lot of growing to do," she replied casually. "Come on now, don't be such a baby." She crouched down and began peering through the various drawers, opening and closing several of them in dismay until she came upon a small purple jar. "Hm?" Palutena reached in and pulled out what appeared to be a special spice container with the words, "Do not touch! Or else I'll kill you!" scribbled on a piece of tape that was plastered to the front. The jar opened with ease as it was only covered by a large cork, and what was inside seemed to be the answer the Goddess of Light had been searching for this whole time. "Ah! Here we go!"
"Oh brother…" mumbled the angel at the table.
She pulled out a fresh clove of garlic, and what a very interesting specimen it was! The smell was absolutely captivating (if you were a person who liked garlic, but who doesn't like a little garlic now and then anyway?) and it had just enough kick to make her want to pinch her nose in irritation. A few slices of these, and her stir-fried veggie surprise would have every Smasher running to her door for seconds! That is, if she planned on giving any of it to them… which she didn't. Almost mechanically, the Goddess of Light pulled out a knife and began slicing and dicing the garlic clove into her pan, using her magic to hold it up and send the chunks to where they rightfully belonged. Pit was starting to get that queasy feeling in his stomach again.
"You can't make me eat that," said Pit, turning his head to the side with crossed arms. He made a pouty face in hopes that it would sway his goddess' decision, but she didn't seem to take a notice of it anyway.
"Maybe not," replied Palutena as she tossed the sizzling food items into the air. "But I can try!" She cranked the flames up to max and the garlic slices shrunk down in a near instant. The fused scent was a sure sign that this dish was just about done, and in a matter of minutes, the Goddess of Light had put down a plate for herself and her angelic companion. Pit just stared at the hot meal in front of him dumbfounded and nervous. He feared that Palutena would put some kind of curse on his mouth and force him to eat her food. And he wasn't about to ask her if she could nullify his taste buds for him either.
"I, uh… I have to go to the bathroom," he said after some thought before promptly getting up and leaving. That was a pretty smart move on his part since there was no way in Skyworld that Palutena was going to force him to stay if he had "business" to attend to. The last time she did that, well… let' just say things got a little messy.
"Well, better get it while it's hot!" she said to herself as she threw off her apron, lifted a fork, and began chomping down on her lunch. The taste was absolutely sensational, and never in her long and pampered life would she have realized how good carrots tasted when they were actually cooked! Tied with the freshly diced tomatoes, zucchinis, and the spicy teriyaki sauce Pac-Man had given her, this meal was turning out to be one of her best experiments yet! Oh, and of course there was the garlic. She couldn't forget that. She ended up cleaning her plate in "ten seconds flat," as Sonic would put it, and by the time she had gotten up to wash, Pit still hadn't return from his bathroom break. Maybe the thought of eating her mediocre cooking really was starting to get to his head.
"Oh well, more for me then," thought the glamorous goddess with a chuckle as she began drying up some of the kitchenware. Her train of thought was soon interrupted, however, when a blunt farting noise escaped from her bountiful behind. It was clearly audible to anyone else who would have been standing in the room, but thankfully Pit still hadn't returned from his excursion. The goddess put a hand to her mouth and blushed slightly at her uncouthness. "Excuse me." But despite what she wanted to say, she only ended up laughing at the result. Little did she know that her body was on the verge of a very unusual transformation, one that could permanently change her position as a fighter in the ever expanding universe of Super Smash Brothers. The aftertaste of the garlic lingered in the back of her throat.
