You're not sorry

By: Cielphantomhive145

A cool tear slid down my cheek as I felt the burning silver glide across my arm.

"Why do I do this?" I thought to myself.

"Because you aren't good enough for him", my brain replied back.

The blood dripped down my arm. I wished that everything would be over. That the world would end. I hid my secret silver blade and lay down on my soft down blankets. More wet tears sliding down my cheeks. As I closed my eyes, horrible reminders of the day flashed before my eyes.

Flashback

I walked through the bustling fair ground. There were people everywhere.

"Cieeell" Lizzy called. I double checked that my sleeves were pulled down and that my bracelets were in place.

Turning around, I plastered a smile on my face, "Hi Lizzy!" I gave her a hug.

"Want to go to the bungee sprint?" She practically shouted, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the attraction before I even had the chance to answer.

The cruel sun beat down on me. I could feel my body warming up to an uncomfortably hot temperature.

"Ciel! There's not line up, lets go~" She began to run faster.

"Alright, slow down", I mumbled, trying to make sure that my sleeves weren't rising up.

"I wonder where Sebastian is", I thought to myself.

"NEXT!" The attraction guide yelled.

"You", he said, pointing to me, "Go to the blue lane". I walked across the inflated rubber surface that was now burning my feet; but I didn't care. I quickly put on the harness and grasped the bottoms of my sleeves in my hands to prevent them from rising up.

"READY?" The guide stated, "GO!"

I could feel the bungee cord stretching out behind me, trying to pull me back in to the cushioned wall behind me. I was almost at the end of the lane when I saw him.

Sebastian Michaelis.

I pushed myself to the end of the lane, winning the race. I quickly unharnessed myself as Lizzy whined about losing.

"CIEEELLL", she cried, "Can we please go again" she begged.

"Not right now, Lizzy, let's play again later!" I turned and put on my best smile.

"Alright, Ciel!" She replied, happily bouncing off to another group of people.

Now, to find Sebastian. I began to walk towards where I had just seen him moments ago. Looking around, I saw him just going around the corner of the obstacle race.

"Sebastian!" I called, running after him.

I have a chance! I thought to myself. I can finally hang out with him! As I rounded the corner I saw him.

"Sebas-" I stopped. He wasn't alone.

He was with someone else.

He had his lips locked on them, his arms around them.

He was with Alois.

Kissing him.

"Sebastian..." I whispered to myself. I felt the tears burning my eyes, trying to escape; but I wouldn't let them go.

Why?

Why?! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME! I mentally yelled at myself. Turning my back and walking away.

It was over. You're not sorry. You made me feel special. Like I was worth something; now you've left me lying broken on the floor.

As I walked away, I could feel the dark thoughts taking over my mind. I felt the urge to mark myself. My hands twitching in anticipation of grabbing the blade.

I boarded the bus, not stopping once to say bye to Lizzy. I felt a cold tear slide down my cheek.

...I'm a failure...

...I'm a loser...

...I'm not worthy of the Phantomhive name...

...I'm not perfect...

... They hold me to a certain standard...

..A standard that if I do not meet, I lose the game.

...The game of being perfect...

...And I'm sick of losing.

Yeah, I've had a bad day. So I came on here to vent. This is very similar to an even that happened to me last year. Sadly, I like the same guy again.