You're not sorry
By: Cielphantomhive145
A cool tear slid down my cheek as I felt the burning silver glide across my arm.
"Why do I do this?" I thought to myself.
"Because you aren't good enough for him", my brain replied back.
The blood dripped down my arm. I wished that everything would be over. That the world would end. I hid my secret silver blade and lay down on my soft down blankets. More wet tears sliding down my cheeks. As I closed my eyes, horrible reminders of the day flashed before my eyes.
Flashback
I walked through the bustling fair ground. There were people everywhere.
"Cieeell" Lizzy called. I double checked that my sleeves were pulled down and that my bracelets were in place.
Turning around, I plastered a smile on my face, "Hi Lizzy!" I gave her a hug.
"Want to go to the bungee sprint?" She practically shouted, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the attraction before I even had the chance to answer.
The cruel sun beat down on me. I could feel my body warming up to an uncomfortably hot temperature.
"Ciel! There's not line up, lets go~" She began to run faster.
"Alright, slow down", I mumbled, trying to make sure that my sleeves weren't rising up.
"I wonder where Sebastian is", I thought to myself.
"NEXT!" The attraction guide yelled.
"You", he said, pointing to me, "Go to the blue lane". I walked across the inflated rubber surface that was now burning my feet; but I didn't care. I quickly put on the harness and grasped the bottoms of my sleeves in my hands to prevent them from rising up.
"READY?" The guide stated, "GO!"
I could feel the bungee cord stretching out behind me, trying to pull me back in to the cushioned wall behind me. I was almost at the end of the lane when I saw him.
Sebastian Michaelis.
I pushed myself to the end of the lane, winning the race. I quickly unharnessed myself as Lizzy whined about losing.
"CIEEELLL", she cried, "Can we please go again" she begged.
"Not right now, Lizzy, let's play again later!" I turned and put on my best smile.
"Alright, Ciel!" She replied, happily bouncing off to another group of people.
Now, to find Sebastian. I began to walk towards where I had just seen him moments ago. Looking around, I saw him just going around the corner of the obstacle race.
"Sebastian!" I called, running after him.
I have a chance! I thought to myself. I can finally hang out with him! As I rounded the corner I saw him.
"Sebas-" I stopped. He wasn't alone.
He was with someone else.
He had his lips locked on them, his arms around them.
He was with Alois.
Kissing him.
"Sebastian..." I whispered to myself. I felt the tears burning my eyes, trying to escape; but I wouldn't let them go.
Why?
Why?! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME! I mentally yelled at myself. Turning my back and walking away.
It was over. You're not sorry. You made me feel special. Like I was worth something; now you've left me lying broken on the floor.
As I walked away, I could feel the dark thoughts taking over my mind. I felt the urge to mark myself. My hands twitching in anticipation of grabbing the blade.
I boarded the bus, not stopping once to say bye to Lizzy. I felt a cold tear slide down my cheek.
...I'm a failure...
...I'm a loser...
...I'm not worthy of the Phantomhive name...
...I'm not perfect...
... They hold me to a certain standard...
..A standard that if I do not meet, I lose the game.
...The game of being perfect...
...And I'm sick of losing.
Yeah, I've had a bad day. So I came on here to vent. This is very similar to an even that happened to me last year. Sadly, I like the same guy again.
