Kenny's POV:
Today had to be one of the most boring days of my life, Stan and Kyle weren't around, they were probably off doing super best friend stuff again, and Cartman was at the twenty-four hour buffet and I knew that he would be there all night.
To make matters worse, I had let Clyde borrow my Play Boy collection two weeks ago and he still hasn't brought them back. I sighed and opened the laptop that I had gotten for my birthday and typed in the school website, I would have watched porn but for some reason it's blocked on here.
Something in the right hand corner, titled facts caught my interest when I made it to the home page. I clicked on it and my eyes widened when I saw that it had a folder of facts for just about every kid in the school. I clicked on the one that said:
Facts about Kenny McCormick.
Kenny has slept with every girl in this school.
Kenny has every STD known to man
Kenny has fathered at least twenty children
I stopped reading; most of these weren't even true! I decided to see what my friends' folders said. I clicked on Stan's next.
Stan is gay
Stan is gay with Cartman
I had to stop reading after that because I started laughing so hard, Stan and Cartman together? What kind of crack were these people smoking? After a few minutes of laughing, I wiped the tears out of my eyes and clicked on Kyle's folder.
Kyle is gay
Kyle does drugs
Kyle is gay for Butters
I stopped reading and rolled my eyes, were these people even trying? I mean if they were going to make up facts they should at least make up some believable ones. Sure Butters has been pining for Kyle for years, but their relationship is completely one sided. Besides, Kyle is with Jimmy.
I decide to skip Cartman's and click on Craig's; I want to save the best for last.
Craig has a sexual relationship with his Guinea pig
Craig is secretly a girl
"For the love of Pete!" I exclaim slapping my hand against my forehead. No way no how Craig is a girl, he is six foot freakin seven for crying out loud! The only person who could even pass off being a girl at this age is Kyle and I know he's not a girl because I have seen him naked before. I don't know why, but I begin to read more "facts" about the students.
Clyde is gay
Clyde is in love with Kyle
I roll my eyes and begin to read some of the girls'; maybe theirs will be interesting and not totally bizarre.
Wendy is dating Tweek
Wendy is really a man
I groan and almost throw my laptop against the wall, what is it with these people saying that everyone is secretly a man or a woman? I decide that Bebe will be the last person I read about before doing something else.
Bebe stuffs her bra
Bebe is secretly a bigger slut than Kenny
Bebe is training to be a nun
Wait, what? If she's training to be a nun then how can she be a bigger slut than me? I finally convince myself to read Cartman's before writing a letter of complaint to the editors.
Cartman is secretly skinny, he's just wearing a fat suit
I stop reading at that, now I know that these people are on crack or something. I find the messaging button, and I start to write them a long, heartfelt message.
Dear Sucky Creators of the Facts Thread,
Do you even go to this school? If you did you would know that Cartman really is fat, that Bebe is not a nun nor is she a slut; that Craig and Wendy are the genders they say they are. That Kyle is not in love with Butters, that Cartman and Stan aren't together, and that ninety precent of everything you posted is a lie!
Sincerely,
A Very Annoyed Reader.
I click the send button and lean back in my chair, anxious to see if they would reply.
