Maybe it's normal.
I never was able to tell, that is, until I saw that one man that gave me all I wanted. Money, friends, and a whole lot more – I can assure you. However, I never understood one meaning. Love.
Ti amo.
Really, what did that even mean anymore? I could comprehend emotions such as like and dislike, even jealousy even though I'd usually stick to an angry or aloof attitude. After all, those are the only emotions others see me with. Except – obviously – him.
It looks like he genuinely enjoys being with me, not cowering away like the other herbivores. Hell, he even enjoys it when I'm in a 'sparring'(really, the only reason I say it's sparring it's cause I don't feel like saying that I'm planning the deaths of many students) mood, fighting bad.
He has no clue how embarrassed I feel when his whip coils around me, or when all the anger transforms into lust. I don't even know how that happens – I think he plans it all (even though he is quite an idiot). One minute we'd be at each others throats, the next he'd be pressing me up against the fence on the roof, his tongue in my mouth, his hand in my shirt, his knee between my legs pressing against my...
You get the idea.
Is that what love is? When you partake in... sexual actions? If that's all it is, then I don't like it. It always leaves me with this feeling in my chest like something is missing especially when I wake up in a hotel alone. I hate it when he simply leaves without a word, as if he were waiting for me to fall asleep before he'd leave. He says it's work, but really, at one in the morning? Fuck, that's what gets me riled up and itching for a fight the next time I see him.
But in the end, he just takes it back to square one, the fight, the make-out, the loss.
It's always the same.
At first I never cared until he whispered something to me in Italian. At first I didn't know what it meant, but it irked me – I needed to know.
Ti amo.
The internet, a wonderful thing. It wasn't like I was going to ask a herbivore for help. It was so much easier to search it up on Google. When I saw what it meant... Well, I was confused.
Love? Really? Why me out of everyone else?
What's worse is that I know he kind get anyone – much better than me. He can have a busty female and obedient companion instead of me, a prefect lusting for blood. So why would he bother holding me, a person much younger than him and less experienced? I would always mouth the questions, but never voice them. I was afraid I might not like the answers, that they'd continue to crush me.
Fuck, why'd he have to say that?
I've never been in a relationship where bonds have been made. I'm barely in relationships anyways, besides physical ones. Even those are scarce – it's usually a one time thing. But him, he always comes visit me when he is in Japan. He even says that sometimes he comes specifically because he missed me.
I don't believe that load of bullshit.
But fuck, why do I always feel so happy after I hear that? It's not normal – at all. I am glad I'm good at hiding my emotions or else Kusakabe would be questioning things. He's the only other person who has stood by me for longer than I can remember. Even now he's still by my side, but there was nothing more than just another of my henchmen.
Loyal.
But that's not the point. The point is that blond Italian that claims that the herbivore is his younger brother.
If he knew I was reflecting this much about him, I know he'd be happy – that's why I won't tell him.
If only he were dead, I wouldn't have to worry about this shit.
I know I constantly think about how to kill him, but my mind gets the better of me. Killing him, I see my face contorted in a sadistic smile. But the thought of him actually dead... It wrenches my heart out. Then I find myself wishing for him to live for eternity. I'd miss him too much if he died before I did and that's the most likely thing to happen.
I go to my school in Japan where people fear me.
He lives in Italy as a mafia boss.
We barely have similarities, but we aren't exact opposites. So how did the attraction start? Truthfully, I don't recall how this all started. I just know I wish it never did.
It hurts. More than anything I can bear.
I wonder how I've gotten so far sometimes. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, at others I feel as if I was equivalent to trash. I think this is what people mean about drugs. It gives you a high, then after a while you feel like shit.
I'm never trying that.
He never told me he loved me in Japanese. Not once. Sometimes I wonder if he's lying – I have a feeling he is. He's quite friendly with just about everyone and is always with Tsunayoshi when he isn't with me. No, make that he is more with the herbivore than he is with me.
Maybe every time we have sex, he imagines the weakling in my place. That would explain the words muttered in Italian as he grunts. I don't know what those mean, though. I never got the chance to hear the words completely. Maybe when he whispers those sacred words in Italian, murmuring them in his half-asleep state, maybe he meant it for someone else.
I'm simply a replacement.
Now that I have that thought in my head, I can't seem to focus. I can feel tears coming to my eyes as I bring my knees to my chest. I was currently taking a nap in the disciplinary room, but then I began to think. I hate looking into things, it only leads to heartache – take now for example.
My arms are wrapped around my legs, bringing them closer as I bury my face in my knees. Fuck.
I'm turning into a herbivore thanks to that bastard.
I was a carnivore, not a weakling like those who I beat. I was much better. However, at my current state:
I feel weak.
"Kyouya?"
