"Raive just because you don't talk about it, doesn't mean that it won't happen." Jacob whispered from behind me, but I barely hear him.
We're sitting on the river bank like we do most nights, but tonight isn't like the rest. Tonight Jake will take me home to my dad, and tomorrow I'll wake up and pack to make the long trip back to my mothers house. All that only to pack again a week later and move back to college. Away from Jake, and my dad, and everything that matters.
Jake and I have talked about it of course. We know that there is no point in staying together when we'll be so far apart. There's no point in even being alone when I won't be back for a year, and even then we might not even feel the same.
He loves me, I can see it in his eyes, but he knows what has happened when any other guy has put those feelings into words. I'm glad that he hasn't said anything because I didn't want to leave him before I had to, and after tomorrow it won't matter. I'm leaving until next summer. I've been thinking lately that I might love him too. But it would be to cruel to tell him since I won't be here anymore.
"Raive..?" Jacobs second whisper pulls me out of my thoughts and I lean back against him.
"Yea babe?"
"Look at me." His breath tickles my ear.
I make a show of groaning as I get up and turn around, as if moving is an inconvenience for me. Then I plop back down and straddle his legs, kissing him swiftly as I get comfortable. His hand comes up and cups the side of my face to pull me in for another kiss. As our lips touch everything inside me suddenly feels like it's on fire. The air is sucked out of my lungs, and when Jake finally pulls away I see that he is breathing just as hard as I am.
"Stay with me Raive." He breathes.
"I can't Jake. You know long distance relationships don't work."
"I know. That's why I'm asking you to stay. Don't leave tomorrow. Stay here with me. I.. I love you Raive."
I watched as Jakes face went from desperate to horrified as he realized what he said. Everything around me had stopped, and without a conscious thought I heard myself say,
"I love you too Jake"
I felt him stop breathing, and watched his eyes fill with wonder as he choked out, "You do? Will you stay?"
I nodded, and the next thing I knew I was spinning through the air in Jakes arms.
The worst part of dreaming is waking up to face reality. Because in reality I don't love Jake and he doesn't love me. We're together, but it's more out of convenience than anything else.
When I came up for the summer to visit my dad, I met Jacob. I knew him from when we were little, but since then we've both grown up and he has definitely filled out. Last time I saw him, he was a scrawny kid and now he's bigger than most guys I hang out with at school, and he's definitely a hell of a lot cuter. He swears up and down I'm beautiful. I almost believe him.
Since I showed up three months ago, Jake and I have given everything to each other except our hearts. After countless nights of talking about everything we could think of we trust each other completely. I even told him about the guys that had ruined so many things for me, including love. We spent so much time together it was easy to fall into a routine. I would spend my days with my dad, Jacob picked me up in the late afternoon, and he brought me back sometime in the early morning.
The first time he kissed me, it was almost an accident. We were trying to push each other into the river one night, and he had finally cornered me between himself and the water.
"Where're you gonna go now Raive?" Jacob taunted.
I moved to the left, and as he moved to block me I quickly darted the other way. I heard him slip and I thought I was in the clear until I felt him grab my ankle. I hit the ground, and he had me pinned before I could roll out of the way. I tried to buck him off, but I knew he had me.
"This would have been a lot easier if you had just gotten in." He chuckled.
I was still trying to catch my breath so I just nodded.
"Now that I have ahold of you, do you want to do this easy way and just get in?" Jacob asked.
"Depends." I laughed. "What's the hard way?"
"I kiss you into compliance. You know like 'beating into submission' but worse." He stated with a straight face.
I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. I felt Jacob move, but didn't realize what he was doing until I felt, and heard, him put a giant raspberry on my neck. I started laughing harder and kicking while I tried to pull his face away from my neck. I finally managed to hold his head between my hands, and away from me.
"That wasn't a kiss!" I exclaimed in mock anger.
"Well I wasn't going to kiss someone who was laughing at me." Jake chuckled.
As he looked down at me, I watched his face become more serious. He slowly pulled my hands off his face, and held them to his chest as he leaned down until his face was above mine.
"Jake why are you holding my hands?" I asked even though I already knew the answer.
"Because I'm going to kiss you." He answered as he leaned closer.
My mind started racing. Jake was my best friend and I cared about him, but he knew what happened last time I got involved with my ex best friend. I couldn't understand why he would want to risk everything for a-
My thoughts exploded into nothingness.
His lips touched mine for a split second and then they were gone, but it had left my mind in a jumble. I could feel his breath on my face as he hovered above me, and when I opened my eyes I saw that had the same expression I imagined on my own face. A look of wonder, and hunger for more. He released my hands, and by their own accord, my finger wove themselves through his hair.
Before I knew it I was kissing him, and it was like I had fire coursing through my veins. He kissed me like he was dying for breath and I was the only oxygen in the universe. Jake held me so close to him I felt like I was being crushed, and yet it wasn't close enough. I slid my hands down to his shoulders, to his chest. I felt his hand come to rest on my hip, and I struggled to pull my lips from his. I looked up at his confused face before I closed my eyes and took a steadying breath.
"Jake I can't love you." I hated myself for saying it, but I knew I had to.
I felt his muscles tense as he flinched, but he didn't pull away. His voice was steady when he spoke.
"Look at me Raive." I opened my eyes, and did as he said. "Do you care about me?" He asked.
"As much as I can." I whispered.
"Raive I know there are somethings you can't give me, and I understand why. All I want from you is what you can give me right now. If you can give me more later then I'll be overjoyed, but I promise I won't push you away by wanting more from you than you're ready give me. I know it won't be a normal relationship, but having you for a while is better than not at all."
As I looked up at Jake, I swear if I could cry I would've right then.
We never did make it into the river that night. After we settled down we decided to wait until it was closer to time for me to leave before we ironed out how it was going to work when I left.
Speaking of, I should probably get up and get moving. I thought to myself. While I'm pulling myself out of bed I heard my dad yell, "Raive get dressed! If people complain that we didn't say goodbye before we left I'm blaming you for sleeping all day!"
"Fine, but Jake will be here at 9 o'clock to say goodbye!" I yelled back.
I heard him laugh in the other room and heard something that sounded like, "I figured." I ignored the jab and got dressed.
The rest of the day was one big blur of people saying they wished I would stay, and how much they would miss me. I was so relieved when we pulled up in front of the house I was almost out of the truck before it had completely stopped. I cooked my dad dinner for the last time. After we finish eating I Hadley enough time to put on my bathing suit, just in case, before I hear Jake pull up outside. I knew my dad heard it too because he meets me at the door.
"Don't stay out so long that you don't want to get up in the morning. We've got an early start tomorrow." Dad says as he hugs me.
"I'll be back before you wake up." I smile up at him and leave the house.
As I climbminto Jakes truck he smiles, and leans over to give me a kiss. I'm glad we already decided how we were going to end it before tonight so we didn't have to ruin tonight.
"Good. You already have your bikini on." Jake says as he pulls out of the driveway.
"Why is that good?" I ask.
"You'll see." He replies cryptically.
I decide not to push him on it because it's obvious we're heading towards one of our favorite swimming holes.
Sure enough, when he pulls off the road, he parks his truck in front of the path to The Death Hole. That isn't the real name of the swimming hole, but over the years so many teenagers, and adults, have drowned here that parents started calling it 'The Death Hole' to scare their kids. The closer we get, the more people we can hear. I try to ask Jake what's going on because there normally isn't anyone out here at night, since we have safer swimming holes to party at, but he just waves me off. Something's up. Jake has an excited air about him as he grabs my hand and pulls me faster down the path. Finally we burst out of the weeds surrounding the river bank, and we're greeted by a blast of alcohol breath as everyone sees us, and starts celebrating like we're the guests of honor. People come up to us and say they'll miss me. A couple even hug me.
When they go back to their own conversations I sneak a look up at Jake, and he's grinning from ear to ear. "I take it this is your doing." I state in a dry voice.
"I may have mentioned to a few people that you're leaving tomorrow." He shrugs.
I motion for him to lean down so I can whisper in his ear, but instead he picks me up so I'm facing him and I wrap my legs around his waist.
"I figured you'd want to be.. Alone tonight." I raise my eyebrow questioningly at him.
He checks over my shoulder to see if anyone's within earshot before speaking. "Of course I wouldn't mind having some 'alone time'," he chuckles at my code for sex, "but I thought you'd rather have one last night out before you left."
"And what made you think that?" I tease.
"We've had 'alone time.'" Jacob chuckles again before sobering up, "Raive I know that you're ex specifically waited to break up with you until after y'all had sex that day, and even though us breaking up is different because we planned it out and knew it was coming, I can't do that to you. You mean more to me than sex. When you come down again we'll have plenty more 'alone time.'" He gives me a crooked smile.
I honestly don't know what to say to him. I'm still staring at him when he surprises me by wiping his thumb below my eye. I'm even more surprised when I see that his thumb comes away from my face wet. In that moment, I feel something inside me shift. As I look at Jake, I suddenly know that I'll never find anyone that fit in my life more perfectly than he does... But I can't let my thoughts continue on that path. I know where they're headed and love is nothing but trouble.
I know that Jacob saw me shut down, and I can see the hurt in his eyes. But when he kisses me it doesn't feel sad. It feels like the first time we kissed, and by the time he pulls back we're both breathless and he's smiling again.
"Are you sure you don't want to be alone for a bit?" I ask again, while I unwrap my legs so he can put me down.
"I'm sure babe." He replies, flashing me a smile. "Besides, I have a better idea."
And before I can get out a scream Jake tosses me into the river. I come up cussing and spitting, everyone is cheering for Jake while he just stands on the bank laughing his ass off. I look him in the eye and say, "It's on."
"Bring it." He laughs.
And the splash war began. We drank, we swam, I even let him toss me in the river some more. We stayed on that river bank until almost everyone had already left. I felt ready to doze off when Jake said it was time to go. I let him help me up, but he could tell that I was tired, so he piggy backed me to his truck and put me in the seat beside him. I snuggle up to him after he gets in, and when I open my eyes again, Jake is trying to open the door to my dads house with me in his arms. I startle him a little when I lean forward and kiss his neck.
"Morning sleepy head." He says.
"You can put me down now. I promise I'm awake." I laugh. "Sorry about that." I say as he sets me down. "What time is it anyways?"
"Almost five." He replies. I see that he has already changed into his jeans.
"Dad wants to leave around eight or nine."
"Yea. Time for me to let you get a little sleep." Jake tries to smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He leans down and kisses me, long and slow.
He gives my hip a little squeeze as he presses his lips to my forehead and whispers, "Goodbye Raive." He turns to leave, but before he can reach the steps I have ahold of his arm.
"Stay with me." I say. I don't know what I'm doing. We've never actually stay at each others houses. We're always out late but we always wake up in our own beds. I'm breaking one of the rules of our relationship by asking him to stay, and dad probably won't like it, but if I only have a few more hours I want to be with Jake.
Jake is looking at me with the same hurt in his eye that was there when I shut down earlier.
"If it won't hurt you, I want you to stay." I whisper.
"W- Why would it hurt me?" He chokes out.
"Because I'm breaking one of our rules... And even though I am you know that I still can't give you anything more than what I already have." I look down at the floor, ashamed. "I've given you everything, but that still isn't much by normal standards. I don't want to hurt you by getting your hopes up that something's changing when it's not.. I'm just being selfish. Goodbye Jacob."
I move away from him to unlock and open the door. I hear Jake walking on the porch and I think he's going to his truck until I feel his hands on my hips, and his lips on my shoulder.
"I'll take what I can get." He whispers. "I'll be fine."
Jake reaches around me and opens the door. I hesitate to see if he's sure and he gently nudges me into the house. He shuts and locks the door behind us, and follows me to my room. I look around slowly, searching for my clean pajamas. Jake comes up behind me, and starts to undo the ties on my top. He helps me out of my bikini, and oddly it isn't sexual. He finds my bag and digs through it, then kneels down in front of me so I can step into my panties. Slipping his shirt off, Jake stands up and slips it over my head for a nightshirt.
I never get tired of seeing this boy shirtless. His chest is perfectly sculpted with muscles and his tattoos fit the lines of his body so well you can't help but trace along the lines the ink gun left behind. I reach out to run my hands down his chest, but Jake stops me.
"Raive just let me lay with you. No 'alone time' tonight, remember?" His voice is husky, but I hear the steely resolve in it.
I grab his hand and lead him over to the bed. "Fair warning. I cuddle."
Jake hugs me from behind. "Oh, trust me. I know." He laughs.
"You've never actually slept with me. Last chance to back out." I warn over my shoulder.
"There's nothing I want more than to stay with you." Jake whispers. He lays down on the bed and rolls onto his back. Jake pats his chest as I crawl over to him. I kiss him one more time before laying my head on his chest, and tossing an arm and a leg over him. I can feel his chest rumble as he laughs quietly while I settle in. He wraps one arm around me, and lays his other hand on my thigh before pressing a kiss onto the too of my head.
"Can we say we'll talk once a week? At least." He asks.
We hadn't discussed keeping in touch after I left even though I hoped we would, and Jakes idea sounded as good as any. "I would love that." I admit.
I can hear the smile in his voice as he whispers, "Goodnight Raive."
"Goodnight Jake. See you in the morning."
Jake hesitates and whispers even quieter, "I'm going to miss you."
I'm quiet for a long time. I listen to Jake breath, knowing he's still awake, thinking that he had just broken the most important rule we had. We never talk about our emotions for each other. Saying he'll miss me isn't exactly a declaration of love, but it's the closest thing to an emotion that has been said all summer. Hell we're breaking all kinds of rules tonight.
Once again I'm not sure of what I'm doing as I whisper, "I'm going to miss you too."
I feel his arm tighten around me and I know he heard. I smile to myself as I fall into the black oblivion that is sleep because deep down, I know it's true.
The next morning when my dad wakes us up, he doesn't comment on Jake being in my bed. He just tells me to get to packing. Jake helps me pack up all of my things in silence and carry them out to where my dad is already waiting in his truck. We don't say anything as he helps me into the truck that is about to take me away. He shuts the door and kisses me quickly through the open window before backing up.
"Call me when you get there," is all Jake says as we pull out. I nod to him and wave. I watch him wave back and then shove his hands into his pockets.
He stood there watching until we were out of sight. I know because I was watching him in the side view mirror, and all the while wishing I was standing beside him.
