"When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep…"

I was lacing up my sneakers.

It seemed like an eternity between each shoe.

I wanted to get out there as soon as I could.

I am disgusting. My thighs are marked up. My breasts are marked up. My arms, my legs. My stomach has been crying for days. My eyes blood shot. Being hungry makes me feel skinny. Why would I give that up? Why would I give in?

Everyone knows I'm fat; they are reluctant to tell me. It's fine because I can read it in their eyes. They brag about being able to fit something. The gain an ounce and cry. Why do they torture me? I never wanted to be the fat friend. I never want to be the one shopping in plus size, forever 21. Wearing an extra-large, full body swim suits, and baggy clothes...

Let's reminisce in the fact that when we go out to eat I always will look fat. I can order a salad and look fucking ridiculous. I order a ham burger and look pathetic. When you say, "You're not fat" I hear, "I am lying". You are sick in the mind. Your eyes are fucked. Something got to be wrong. It's obvious that I am the elephant in the room. You don't spend your days holding n your stomach, wearing slimming colors, dieting. You don't. So don't tell me lies that I've been hearing all my life.

Remember that tube top Alli? The one I said was small? Remember what you said? Huh? "I'm not fat Jenna".

"When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?"

Everyone wonders why I never talk anymore. They wonder why I avoid lunch. They wonder what made me edgy. I am pale, they tell me. You don't look so good, they say. I know. I never looked good.

I was all dressed in spandex; short skirt was chafing away at my sides, cheer top hardly came over my bust. I gave them back their uniform and quit. Everyone on that team was perfect, I, I was fat. I ditched the rest of that week. I had no reason to be there. No boys will ever want me, I'm not very bright, and I have friends that constantly remind me that they are too perfect to be me.

Mom wonders why I slept my summers away.

I've been examining myself for hours now. I'm sick, there's a disease that is eating away at me. Or should I say I'm eating away at it?

I put my Ipod in my ears. I put 'Fix You' on repeat. I stretch out my neck. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I open the door of my bed room and go out my front door. I needed this run. This run will guarantee everything for me. I can feel it. I haven't even left my porch but my heart raced, begging my feet to go with it. I began to run.

"And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace"

I ran faster, and faster. I never knew my legs can out beat my mind. I began to forget where I was going. I was running top speed. My ipod blocked out the sounds of the night time traffic. I was running. I loved the wind against my face. It dried every tear before they fell. My thighs burned, I loved it. The thoughts began to disappear. I was running on a blank mind. I was past reality. My legs began to ache, I loved it.

"Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bone"

I was so far from everyone. It was so late. I was still running at the pace my heart allowed me to. But I fell. How could I be so dumb? Why was everything so white?

I fainted.

I woke up in a hospital bed.

"Why were you running so fast? Was someone chasing you?" It was an unfamiliar voice. The bright lights had forbidden me to see.

"Yes." I meekly replied. "Someone was going to kill me if I had stopped running. I couldn't stop."

"Who was going to kill you?" They asked.

I replied, "Me."

"Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace"