January, Senior Year
She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to have this talk. It was practically offering herself up for the death penalty. But here she was, sitting next to the girl she would always love, but would never have.
It had been years with Rachel, going back and forth. Is she hers or not? Is she screwing Finn or Quinn or Santana? No one ever knew. Santana had spent years of her life absolutely in love with Rachel. She still was in love with her, but it was definitely taking a toll. They needed to talk, they really did. But neither of them wanted to. God, did neither of them want to.
Every single time they tried to talk, they didn't get anywhere. It didn't used to be like this. They used to be able to talk about anything. Now it was just so hard, they ended up just looking at their hands, not knowing what to say.
And that is exactly what was happening right now. Both Santana and Rachel had millions of feelings boiling inside of them, but they somehow had both lost the ability to put their feelings into words. Which, we're talking about Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez, they talk more than most of humanity combined. What was wrong with them?
Santana kept opening her mouth to say something, but every time she quickly closed her mouth. She knew what had to happen. Rachel had to make a decision. She had to decide between her or Finn. But Santana couldn't force her to make a decision. And she was terrified. The last two times Rachel had chosen Finn over her, and she couldn't live through that again. But they were at a stand still, and it was killing her.
"I just don't understand, Rach." Santana sighed heavily, and buried her face in her hands, trying to hold back tears.
"I want you, I do. But I can't leave him. I've tried, but I just can't. It's Finn, I love him, I couldn't do that to him." Rachel said, look down at her hands curled up in her lap. All she wanted to do was wrap up Santana, forget about this whole entire conversation, but San was stubborn.
"But what about me? Don't you love me?" Santana said softly, fighting back the tears that were ripping their way through her heart.
"Oh, darling, you know that I do," Rachel turned the Santana, touching a hand to her cheek for a moment, before remembering herself and pulling her hand back, "But it's a delicate situation."
"A delicate situation? Are you kidding me right now, Rach?" She stood up angrily and walked a way a few steps, then turned back, "This is a fucked up situation, that's what it is. Do you have any idea what this is doing to you? To me?"
"I know, I know." Rachel breathed heavily, trying to calm down the conversation.
"Bullshit. You don't know. You're the one fucking another guy but telling me you still love me. You don't know anything."
"Santana, stop it, please! I'm trying, I really am." Rachel tried hard to hide the tears that started to stream from her eyes.
"Well I don't think you're trying hard enough."
"Don't you want to be with me? You're making it sound like you don't."
"Of course I want to be with you, Rach. More than anything in the world.." She hesitated just slightly. She just wanted to kiss the girl. Kiss her and love her, and forget anything ever happened.
"But? What's stopping you?"
"You are, Rach." Santana walked back and sat next to Rachel, taking one of her hands lightly in her own.
"I don't understand. I thought you said that I was the one? That you wanted to have kids with me."
"Let me explain how this will go. We will get back together, we will be happy. I will be so happy because I will have you. But sooner or later, you will leave."
"No, I…no I wont." Rachel shook her head furiously.
"Yes, you will. You've done it twice to me before, and you'll do it again. I'm not enough for you. You need more than me. We will always be the couple who always want to be together, but can never manage to stay together. We're a tragedy."
Rachel had absolutely no words. All she wanted was her, she just wanted her. But somewhere deep down, she knew Santana was right. Why was that true? What kept tearing them apart? She knew, but she didn't want to admit it.
"What do we do now?" Rachel said softly, looking down at their hands.
"I don't know, Rach. I really don't know."
