To Have and Not to Hold
The Lost Episodes of Season 10
Set somewhere between Babylon and My Struggle II

CHAPTER ONE

Dana Scully looked down at her beautiful ivory dress.

She gasped in wonder at the pure beauty of it. As she pressed her hands against the boning in the top of her dress, she smiled to herself as she felt beautiful and sexy, she didn't need to wear a bra with this - it fit her like a glove, the boning inside providing enough support. Her strawberry blonde hair was up and pinned back with little pearls, with loose curls coming down the side of her face. She had done it herself.

She raised her eyes to the long mirror in front of her and had to take a step back as she marvelled at her reflection. The dress was so beautiful, it was everything she had ever dreamed of.

The followed her eyes down the skirt and watched as it fanned out at the bottom like a mermaid. She didn't have a long trail, she had decided against it. She looked at the detail of the lace that was woven in with the ivory silk as the dress covered her breasts and torso. She saw a sparkle of diamonds as she moved slightly to the left, as they captured the light.

Scully couldn't believe this was actually happening, that this day had really arrived.

'Sweet heart?'

She turned to face her Mother who was staring at her with wide, tear laced eyes. She looked so proud. Dana noticed that she looked so beautiful, so elegant in her Mother of the Bride skirt and jacket. It was a subtle turquoise colour and she wore a fabulous hat which sprouted feathers. She wore soft blue kitten heels and looked the most beautiful Dana had ever seen her.

'Mom..' She gushed as she took her in. Scully bit back happy tears as she didn't want to smudge her make up. 'You look… so beautiful…' She gasped.

'Thank you, but not as beautiful as you.' Margaret said as she took in the view of her stunning daughter. 'You are perfect. He's a lucky man.'

Scully let out a deliriously happy laugh and raised a hand to her mouth to stop herself from crying. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she tried to calm herself. She couldn't believe this was really happening.

'Dana, don't cry! You'll make your mascara run!' Margaret said with frantic happiness as she moved towards Scully and placed her hands on her arms then pulled her into an embrace. 'I'm so proud of you darling.'

'Thanks Mom..'


Dana Scully was waiting to enter the church. She took a deep breath as the nerves were taking over now.

It was a private ceremony, just close family. They had paid the local priest a few hundred dollars to close down the church for them for the morning, as they wanted to keep their profile low. She took a deep breath held her hands out in front of her and noticed they were shaking. She looked down at her engagement ring which was now placed on her right hand, ready for the wedding band to be put on her finger. She couldn't wait to feel him push the ring down her finger, then say those beautiful words to her….

'Starbuck.'

Scully turned to face her father, decked out in a tux with a blue corsage. He looked so handsome. She smiled happily again as she saw his face, he looked like had just seen the most beautiful woman in the world.

'Oh, Starbuck. You look fantastic. I can't believe my little girl is finally getting married.' He said tearfully, and Scully grabbed onto his hand and squeezed it, forcing herself to stop the tears again.

'Thank you Dad, I love you. Please, don't make me cry…' She said with a giggle. He nodded and got himself together. 'Let's go Ahab.' She said with a wink.

'I'm so proud of you, I have always been proud of you. I want you to know that.' He said softly, and Scully swallowed the emotion down as it washed over her. This was just perfect, everything was so perfect….


The doors to the church opened and the organ sounded.

But she couldn't hear the music, it was as if it was far, far away, as all she could see was him, standing at the front of the church, his back to her.

She felt her stomach flip with passion and love as she saw him, he looked nervous and slightly awkward, he had been a little shy about a traditional religious ceremony, but he had done it – for her.

She wanted to get to him, she needed to get him.

Dana Scully paced forward down the aisle, briefly taking in her family and close friends. She looked over at Mulder's side of the church and saw his Mother and Father, they smiled at her proudly.

She suddenly noticed Langley, Byers and Frohike also sitting on Mulder's side. She smiled to herself as she saw them, they looked very smart and dapper. She was impressed that they had made such an effort. Frohike held a tissue to his eyes and she noticed that he was crying – but trying desperately hard to hide it.

She wanted to hug him, he was adorable, but she was soon over that when she looked back ahead of her and saw him, his strong muscular back showing through his tux. He was so handsome – she had done well.

'Hey, slow down Starbuck..' She heard her Father whisper in her ear and she realised she was pulling him forwards towards Mulder. She stopped herself a little, trying to remain calm – but she just wanted to get to Mulder, to grab him, to hug him, kiss him and marry him.

Then finally, after what had felt like a lifetime – she was next to him.

She glanced over at his handsome face, and he turned to her slowly as they stood together. The look he gave her would stay with her forever. She was taken aback by his gaze, so full of love and adoration she nearly lost her footing.

'Hi.' He said simply, his smile was overwhelming. He looked so happy. She could only imagine that she looked the same, but she felt tears sting her eyes again, she forced herself not to cry.

'Hey…' She gasped, her voice loaded with emotion.

'Dana!' She suddenly heard an urgent voice whisper from behind her. She snapped out of the bubble Mulder and her were in. She turned quickly to see Melissa, beautiful and elegant in a flowing blue dress. She was motioning to her to give her the bouquet. Scully suddenly remembered the rehearsal – give Melissa the flowers… and she snapped back into reality and with a nervous laugh and she passed them to her beautiful sister. Melissa smiled at her lovingly, clearly happy with her decision. She had always liked Mulder.

'Dearly beloved…' The priest started, and Dana turned back to Fox with a soft smile, and she couldn't help but grab his hands, she wanted to touch him, he looked so handsome. Mulder obviously felt the same way, and he reached out his hands to her at exactly the same time. They both laughed at the action and they remembered the amount of times they had done this. They had an unspoken bond, they sometimes didn't need to speak. They knew each other inside and out.

They held onto each other, eyes locked together as the Priest started the ceremony, and suddenly it felt like it was just them, and there was no one else in the world….


The alarm clock beeped loudly in her ear and she opened her eyes wide with shock as she was suddenly assaulted with daylight and intense heat. She cried out loud and sat up, knocking the alarm clock off the bedside dresser, silencing it and smashing it onto the floor.

Dana Scully blinked a few times trying to work out where the hell she was.

She was hot.

She threw the suffocating bed covers off her and jumped out of bed, her heart racing.

She needed water.

Shaking off what she now realised was a dream she charged towards her bathroom and grabbed the sink breathlessly. She felt as if she would faint, her head was swaying. She turned the cold water on and scooped it up and splashed it over her face. The shock of it made her cry out again and she grabbed the nearest towel and dabbed her face dry.

After a moment she held onto the basin to steady herself. She looked down at the running water and took deep breaths, the memories of the dream still vivid in her mind.

She couldn't believe that her Mother and Father had been there, and Mellissa, the lone gunmen, Mulder's parents… she stifled a sob as she felt the recent grief of the death of her Mother hit her again hard. She had dreamt about her a lot lately. Scully felt her heart break as she remembered the beautiful dream. Everything had felt so real, and she had been so happy.

'Pull yourself together Dana, it was a dream…' She mumbled to herself.

She raised her eyes to the bathroom mirror slowly as she turned off the faucet and tried to steady her breathing. The reflection she saw in front of her brought her back to reality. Her face was tired, her eyes baggy and drawn.

Her heart was still broken.

She and Mulder were over, they were finished. She felt a pain in her chest as the memories of the break up came back to haunt her. She stifled another sob as she considered another life – one where that dream was a reality and everything was perfect…

A sob erupted from her and she found herself crying now hysterically, the pain of her losses all too clear again. She wanted her Mother back, and always missed Melissa and her Father. She sobbed heavily as she felt the emotion rush over her. That dream had been too much. In a perfect world she and Mulder would be married now, with children. But this wasn't a perfect world. Her child was…. that was another story, but it made another wave of tears crash over her.


When she was done, she forced herself to go back into her bedroom and get ready for her day at work. She had to pull herself together.


Please review! Thanks for reading, I am so happy to be writing again :)

XxX

Mulder and Scully forever