Authoress note: this one is based after the anime finished… slight AU I suppose… Anyway… this is an attempt for humour…
below list Gotei 13 in this AU fic:
1st division: sou-taicho: Kyoraku Shuunsui & sou-fukutaicho: Isei Nanao
2nd division: taicho: Soifon & fukutaicho: Omaeda Marechiyo
3rd division: taicho: Urahara Kisuke & fukutaicho: Izuru Kira
4th division: taicho: OC Kirisaki Fuuko & fukutaicho: Kotetsu Isane
5th division: taicho: Shinji Hirako & fukutaicho: Hinamori Momo
6th division: taicho: Kuchiki Byakuya & fukutaicho: Abarai Renji
7th division: taicho: Komamura Sajin & fukutaicho: Iba Tetsuzaemon
8th division: taicho: Genshiro Okikiba & fukutaicho: Mashiro Kuna
9th division: taicho: Shihoin Yoruichi & fukutaicho: Hisagi Shuuhei
10th division: taicho: Hitsugaya Toushiro & fukutaicho: Matsumoto Rangiku
11th division: taicho: Zaraki Kenpachi & fukutaicho: Kusajika Yachiru
12th division: taicho: Kurotsuchi Mayuri & fukutaicho: Kurotsuchi Nemu
13th division: taicho: Ukitake Juushiro & fukutaicho: Kuchiki Rukia
Disclaimer: All character except OC which wouldn't really make any appearance in this fic but useful no least are belong to Tite Kubo
Warning: check the rating, though it is not M rate but there are words that definitely won't do with children! And also this fic is unbetaed.
Big VS Small?!
Chapter 1
"It doesn't make any sense! Why!"
"Rangiku-san, I believe you should stop whining, I mean it's not-"
"But it is!" Matsumoto Rangiku, the juubantai fukutaicho (10 squad lieutenant) wailed in frustration! She was waving the new Seireitei newspaper which she purchased not long ago (before the lunch break) and now was arguing with her friend of ichi bantai fukutaicho (1st squad lieutenant) Isei Nanao. It was clear on her face, the usual stoic-no-nonsense raven hair girl in the brink of defeat. While Kotetsu Isane… she was not sure about the topic; and she really really had a bad feeling about the argument and why she was dragged into this kind of conversation.
"Can you believe it? Three out of most eligible bachelors are taken!" Matsumoto eyes burned in anger. And no! She was not jealous! She just didn't understand why! "AND! Two of three were taken by girls whose breasts are smaller than mine!"
'Oh, no… dear Soul King up there, no, we are not going there. No! No! No!' Both ichi and yong bantai fukutaicho (1st and 4th squad lieutenant) had a thought in unison.
"See!" The beauty orange head said as she pointed to the headline news which read as 'New Royal Pair Finally Official! Kuchiki Elders Announces Kuchiki Byakuya is courting Kuchiki Rukia' Nanao was really resisting rolling her eyes. Only a blind man who couldn't notice how the roku bantai taicho's (6th squad captain) look every time he stared at his adoptive sister…
"Ugh, after Urahara taicho and Ukitake taicho! The most eligible bachelor is taken too! What happen! Does Seireitei have love bugs?!" Matsumoto cried crocodile; she had a very beautiful body with asset that certainly made boy drools and girl envies. But how come she didn't have any boyfriend!
"Anou, Rangiku-san. I believe Urahara taicho and Kuchiki taicho are just couple waiting to happen, actually I am quite surprise with Ukitake taicho… but well… my taicho had care for him for quite some time so it's only natural." The white hair timid girl said while Isei tugged her glasses up, agreeing with the girl. Shihoin taicho was chasing all the way to human world when Urahara taicho was banished… while… Ukitake taicho was being cared by Kirisaki taicho weekly and lately show improvement in health, so it was only natural that both feel attached.
"But why! I believe male do like big breasts!" Matsumoto insisted, as Isei slapped her face. 'No, no, we are not going there again!' while Kotetsu let out a faint sigh. "WAKATA! (I understand/I know)" The long wavy orange hair girl yelled in excited. "Let do some survey then!"
"WHAT!" Both fukutaicho yelled in synch, Kotetsu almost spurted out her tea. And with that Matsumoto dragged both girls out much to their horror.
Bleach
Ichi bantai… (1st squad…)
Kyouraku sou-taicho was just lazing around and leaning backward on two legs of his chair after his lunch when the door of his office burst open suddenly which resulting of him taking his chair backward and down to the ground with a loud 'thump!'. "What's happen?!" He asked in dazed when he heard a concern scream from his lovely fukutaicho.
"Sou-taicho (captain-commander), are you all right?" Isei Nanao's lovely face came in view as she helped her superior. As much as she disliked his playful-sometime-playboy attitude, he was still her respected leader (and *cough* possible husband *cough*) more over a sou-taichou…
"Oh, Nanao-chan, I'm flattered!" The older man said almost hugging but was slapped away almost immediately with paper fan which miraculously appears out of nowhere.
"Kyouraku Sou-taicho! Manners, please!" Isei Nanao was adorned with slight flush but her angry vein was also visible.
"Kyouraku Sou-taicho!" Matsumoto yelled suddenly without missing a beat. "Do you like big breasts?" The ichi bantai fukutaicho (1st squad lieutenant) couldn't be redder than it already had, while Kotetsu who trailed behind them suddenly had this feeling to run away, as far away as possible. She didn't really want to know the answer…
The black hair man paused in surprise before he broke into a grin, a very big grin indeed. He was amused for sure; more over it was an opportunity to tease his subordinate. He practically laughed in glee. "Why, Matsumoto! I didn't know you swing that way!"
"No! I love cock just fine." She dismissed it nonchalantly.
"Rangiku-san!" The black hair girl was basically burned in flame. While Kotetsu… was already stop out cold like a stone with a crack that could be seen starting to split from her forehead. A roar of laughter was heard from the said male before he grinned again. He was intrigued on why the fukutaicho of juubantai (10th squad) was asking this question.
"Ok, now I'm curious. Why did you ask something like that?" As soon as Kyouraku ended his question, Matsumoto quickly retold their… correction her situation. Hearing the reason behind it, the chief of Gotei 13 nodded his head in understanding, feeling a little sorry for her actually; but he believed it was not size matter. This time though he decided to keep his opinion alone. "So that's why? And you plan to ask every person in Seireitei?"
"Nope, male only taicho and fukutaicho. (captain and lieutenant)"
"Ah… well then my answer is 'I love big breasts!'" He grinned almost pervertly but suddenly jumped toward his fukutaicho in attempt for another hug. "But I love Nanao-chan's the best!" The said girl quickly gave him another hit, this time with the thick book which she was always carrying before blushing madly. "OW!"
"Tsk… small breasts it is…" Matsumoto said in disappointed before her hands bailed into a fist. Nanao glared at her murderously. 'Did she just say I had small breast! This is normal size, damnit!'
"Well, it's only one, so let's go ask the other. Girls!" She said as she grabbed both girls and ran away yelling 'thank you' in process, leaving the only male, the respected sou-taicho alone on the floor, unconscious…
Small-one VS Big-zero…
Bleach
Ni bantai (2nd squad)…
Omaeda Marechiyo was still pigging out his lunch feast when the door of his office burst opened in second; almost make him choked to dead. Dead by meat… hem not what a respectful meat loving shinigami like him wanted to occur. "Cough! Cough!" He tried to push that offense meat out from his windpipe but to no avail.
"Omaeda fukutaicho!" Kotetsu Isane who was already escaped from her statue-trance-like immediately ran toward the said huge person. As she was from yong bantai (4th squad) and a fukutaicho no least, saving shinigami's life had already became a habit as she quickly responded with Heimlich maneuver. As much as she was a girl, being tall shinigami definitely had a strength that no normal soul had. Thanks, the Soul King… After the third push, that chunk of meat flew from his mouth and comically pasted itself into Matsumoto's lovely so called mountain breasts...
"ICK! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" The so called narcissi yelled in annoyed as she bounced it up and down… instead of taking it off by hand. Isei couldn't help but found it was actually humorous as she tried to stop her laugher into a muzzle.
"Sigh… I thought I was done for sure." The male said as he huffed up and down in relief but not before glaring. "Have you even heard about knocking!?" The statement though flew above their heads as Rangiku took the tissue on the table (without permission) and quickly cleaned her lovely asset.
"It's emergency!" The girl said glaring as he already made her lovely milky big breasts dirty and smell like meat…
"Emergency?! Hollow?! Where?" He said as he quickly took his katana and attached it into his obi. He was still a fukutaicho damnit!
"No, not hollow…" Isei replied as she rolled her eyes. The big boy was glaring before he took his position back on the table.
"Bah, don't waste my time then." He said before taking another chunk of meat and chewed.
"One question." Matsumoto said as Kotetsu shook her head at her. She could imagine what would happen when someone asked such an offensive question while the said person was chewing something… but it was too late as the boy nodded and the orange hair girl opened her mouth. "Do you like big breasts?!" And just like what Isane had predicted, the boy was again chocking from his food. Well, here goes another Heimlich maneuver…
Seconds passed later…
"Are you going to kill me?! Really?!" He shouted, face a little flush. That kind of thing was private!
"Well, not that anyone'll miss you…" Rangiku murmured under her breath.
"What was that?" He glared hard
"Oh nothing…" She was waving her hand in dismiss gesture. "Are you going to answer?" Even before he managed to open his mouth to retort, a familiar reiatsu came from outside and was closing in.
"What's with all the commotion? I can hear the yelling from my office!" Soifon, the taicho of ni bantai (2nd squad) was glaring at them.
"Oh, Soifon taicho, nothing, we'll be leav-" Isei was about to drag the girl out but was cut by Matsumoto.
"I'm surveying on behalf of Shinigami Woman Association." She said lying through her teeth.
"We are?" Kotetsu blinked her eyes, while the ichi-bantai fukutaicho (1st squad lieutenant) groaned. After this done, she really need some aspirin!
"…" The cat (Yoruichi) loving girl raised her eyes brown before making eyes connection with fukutaicho of SWA. She was not sure if this was Nanao's idea but let it pass since she was curious. "And what this survey is all about?"
"It is for male only taicho and fukutaicho survey."
"I see… and what that would be?"
"I'm asking him if he likes big breast." There were a pregnant paused as the female leader blushed deeply, it was a sight to be seen. Soifon coughed uncomfortably…
"Tsk, I don't care as long as she can cook nice meal!" Omaeda finally declared, he still hadn't finished his lunch and he needed them out in second!
"That's not an answer! Which is it?!"
"Fine! Big then." As soon as the answer came out, Matsumoto grinned in satisfaction.
"Well, that wasn't so bad, right." The girl felt pump up as she walked away from the office followed by both fukutaicho and Soifon. Omaeda finally sighed in relieved before closing his office door, now back to his feast!
The trio finally walked toward the division's entrance, willing to continue the journey (actually two out three were reluctant to continue…) but what Soifon said next had stop them. "Em… for your info, I love big breast. Like Yoruichi-sama." She flushed lightly.
"Sure, Soifon-taicho! I put your opinion on the survey!" Matsumoto grinned evilly as Isei glared.
"You said male only! That was irrelevant!" Nanao yelled in irritation as Kotetsu sweatdropped… Rangiku though, turned deaf ears as she strolled away in happiness.
Small-one VS Big-two…
Bleach
San bantai (3rd Squad)
"Anou, taicho. How's your lunch? I hope it is up to your standard." Izuru asked as he paused from his own lunch. He really hoped his newly assigned taicho was satisfied with him. He still had that trauma with Ichimaru ex-taicho. Sometime he was actually blaming himself. 'Was it his fault that his suppose to be leader become a traitor?'
"Kira, you should really stop blaming yourself." Urahara said, noticing that his subordinate had fallen into deep thought. Since his promotion back to the rank of captain, Urahara was losing his signature 'getta' but the green white stripe hat was still on his head. His face also shaved clean, though he was a lay back captain much like Kyouraku, he still wanted to maintain his sophisticated look. After all, Yoruichi liked him more when he had his stubble shaved, not that she ever voiced it out. She indeed was beaming when she saw him in clean shave face with black tailor suit one time as he escorted her into some party.
"I'm sorry taicho…" He said timidly. A sigh escaped Kisuke's lips. He really needed to encourage this boy. Being under Ichimaru might be a lot of hell for him and he knew from Hisagi (since Shihoin is his taicho and he indeed visited Yoruichi several times each week). The boy was actually quite cocky when he entered the academy but somehow gradually became timid as the time went by. Hem, being yong bantai (4th squad) member the first time he out of academy also didn't help much. The yong bantai (4th squad) seemed to be bullied a lot by other division especially the juuichi bantai (11th squad).
Though now with the new taicho, Kirisaki was able to lower the bullied down due to her accurate syringe needle throwing habit, which happened if anyone ever threatened her member. She might not as scary as ex-taicho Unohana but being thrown with something that could hit precisely near the head or other-vulnerable-part-that-would-surely-hurt was also scary…
"Kira." He said as he finished his lunch and quietly slurping his tea. His fukutaicho was ready to pack all the trash out.
"Yes, taicho?"
"Sit."
"Hai?"
"Sit cross leg and try to meditate." The green hat wearer said as he gestured him to sit in front of him.
"Ah, hai taicho." Izuru finally sat as he closed his eyes.
"Relax your shoulder, take a deep breath." A paused "Exhale." The meditation would continue quietly if not for… a loud 'bang' came from the door that made his fukutaicho jumped in shock literary!
"What's happen? Hollow?!" Izuru was able to retrieve his katana before finding his drinking buddy, Matsumoto who was followed by a frowned black hair female and an uncomfortable female medic. A sigh could be heard from his taicho though…
"My, my, such a pleasure. What these three lovely ladies had in mind? Suddenly visiting our humble san bantai?"
"Urahara taicho! Kira! We have a question." Matsumoto uttered quickly as if her life was depended on that…
"It's not we! You have a question!" The spectacles girl gritted her teeth; she refused to be associated with improper behavior… while Isane tried to catch her breath. She should really go back to her division, Kirisaki taicho might be less intimidating than the deceased Unohana taicho but it didn't mean she let tardiness unpunished!
"Hm, what is it then?" Urahara said as he took his usual fan and hid his face behind it, smiling lightly. While Izuru relaxed his tense shoulder as he unhooked his katana from his obi.
"Do you like big breast?!" As soon as the question out from Matsumoto's mouth, poor Kira blushed heavily and almost in the brink of fainting. Kisuke's eyes widen a little but was able to maintain his fan which almost hiding his face. But they were still able to see a faint tint of pink spread slowly on his cheek.
A 'What!' was all Izuru fukutaicho able to stutter.
"You heard me that one time." Matsumoto said excitedly. She needed prove that all male indeed like big breast!
"… Why do you need to know something like that? It is not ladylike." Urahara said as he managed to suppress his redness. He was not shy to admit whatever this dear Matsumoto was asking about, but the question indeed took him by surprise. After all he certainly like big breast, all right. Well, he indeed was ogling at Matsumoto and her Zanpakutou's photo… but he loved that 'tan firm soft breast like the one Yoru- Oh hell no! Don't go there! Don't go there!' He could feel his core shifting a bit. 'Stop thinking about naked Yorui- ARGH! STOP IMAGINING!' He coughed; the blush came back full force.
"Urahara-taicho, are you imagining something pervert with Shihoin taicho?" Matsumoto said suddenly grinning as the said taicho shifted in his sit uncomfortable.
"Ehem… I believe you know my answer." He said almost in whisper, he was trying to restrain his desire but the coming images proved it was more than easy. "Excuse me." He uttered much to his embarrassment as he shunpoed out, he indeed needed a cold cold shower. The action proved to be quite a surprise for both female fukutaicho. Matsumoto only grinned widely while Izuru flabbergasted.
"I never know that Urahara taicho was that pervert." Nanao said in disbelieve.
"Male are easily aroused by imagination, I see" Isane quietly added before slapping her mouth. 'Was she just thinking out loud!'
"Gasp! Isane!" That's it; usually the timid girl had never even joining in this kind of topic. Now she was pointing out and taking notes?!
"Forget whatever I was saying!" She squawked blushing brightly. Matsumoto let out an evil grin, black mail material ho ho ho! Anyway she was back at Izuru.
"Oi, Kira, what's your answer?" She began as she walked toward the boy. It was also wrong move for the poor male fukutaicho as he scooted backward. Feeling the wall behind his back, he looked for other way out. Too bad, Matsumoto already cornered him like how the wolf cornered its prey. She the wolf and he the sheep! 'Shouldn't he be the wolf! He's the male here for Soul King's sake!' His trance of thought was cut when he saw the drilling of Matsumoto's eyes "I don't know!" He yelled, desperate to escape.
"Really?" Matsumoto asked, not really believing since she knew the boy had a crush on someone. Well, it not really a secret that Izuru had this crush at the petite girl of go bantai fukutaicho (5th squad lieutenant). It was out one day when he, Hisagi, Abarai, and she herself had too many drinks.
"Yes!" He insisted
"Fine, if you don't know, I'll talk, you'll do imagination." She was pressing before smiling wickedly. Izuru couldn't do anything but gulped and nodded.
"Ok, close your eyes and imagine girl, any girl."
"What!" A dead glare was thrown as he nervously closed his eyes. A shadow of someone, female appeared on his head.
"Now, try imagining her body, is it petite or tall?"
"Petite?!" He said unsure.
"Ah, I see. Now imagining her body, curvy or not really curvy?" She said as she saw the face of Izuru was changing from pale to blush.
"Uh. I don't think-" He began but was cut once again.
"Now skin color added." The fukutaicho of juu bantai (10th squad) always had her way. "Now add the face!" She grinned as Izuru began to blush harder, even his ears were red.
"Ah, now then try to open her shitagi." As soon as she said something including the opening of clothing, the blond hair lad couldn't help it; the blood spurted out from his nose as his legs given up.
"Izuru fukutaicho!" The moment the blood had gushed out, Isane quickly made her way toward the almost unconscious male. "Matsumoto-san that was horrible, you shouldn't do that!" She quickly took out some tissue from her medical backpack, before padding his nose up.
"Rangiku, that was uncalled for, you do know Izuru was quite innocent!" Nanao added glaring dagger.
"Oh no, he is not!" The orange hair girl closed in before asking. "Nee, Kira-kun. Who's on your mind?"
"… Momo-chan…" He said weakly, Isane and Nanao really felt sorry for him…
"Ah, shoot! But big is still winning! Come on, girls! Out to go bantai (5th squad)!" Matsumoto yelled impatiently and dashed off. Both girls (yes, even the always timid Isane) gave her a glare. The white hair tall girl already helping the lad into a sofa, thankfully the boy had stopped bleeding…
"Izuru fukutaicho, are you all right?"
"Uh… don't worry it was just a little err blood." He said in embarrassment.
"Um, take care, Izuru-san." Both Isane and Nanao quickly ran after the famous lazy fukutaicho. They began to wonder. 'How in the hell did Hitsugaya taicho able to contain his insane fukutaicho?! Nanao was regretting her decision for not staying at her own division. She should had just stop at her office when she had chance, now she really didn't has much choice since they (Matsumoto especially!) had inform Soifon that this survey was for SWA! 'And for heaven sake, she is the fukutaicho of SWA!' While Isane, she should really go back to yong bantai office. She knew her lunch break was up and going anywhere without informing her taicho… she shuddered. Her head was definitely served in platter tonight!
Small-two VS Big-three…
To be continue…
Authoress note: actually I had plan this fic to be one shot but it's seem I couldn't summed it up in one… eh review are loved and definitely motivated me to finish.
