1987

1987

Young Shawn and Gus staggered out of the school library. They both had looks of horror on their faces.

"So that's where babies come from?" asked Gus.

"I am never having kids," said Shawn. "That was disgusting!"

"What was disgusting?" asked Mrs. Howard, the music teacher at the school. Her belly bulged out ahead of her.

Shawn and Gus tried not to look at the stomach. "Um…." said Shawn.

All of a sudden, Mrs. Howard grabbed her stomach. She looked about ready to collapse.

"Mrs. Howard?" asked Gus.

"Are you okay?" asked Shawn.

"Boys," Mrs. Howard gasped. "I need you to go get another teacher…."

"What's going on here?" asked Mr. Jones, the principal of the school.

"I'm going… into labor. I need…. an ambulance…." said Mrs. Howard, pushing through the pain.

"Call 911!" called Mr. Jones down the hallway. "She's having a baby!"

Shawn and Gus looked at each other and ran away screaming.

2008

Shawn and Gus walked down the sidewalk towards the Psych office. There were lots of people walking outside today.

"Dude, have you noticed how many pregnant chicks are waddling around Santa Barbara these days?" asked Shawn.

"So what?" asked Gus. "Most people want their kids to be born in the summer, so they can have pool parties for the birthdays."

"Why do you know this?" asked Shawn.

"I told you I cover some birthing centers on my route."

"Still, it's creepy." Shawn looked around. "And these women! Most of them can't be more than mid-twenties. And they're already on the second or third kid."

"What's wrong with young mothers?"

"They don't know anything! I mean, come on. I'm thirty and I'm highly advanced for my age."

"Well, you're practically a young father yourself, Shawn."

"Huh?"

"Susie's almost seventeen. You're thirty. If she were your actual spawn, you would have had her when you were fourteen. That's pretty young."

"I wouldn't have been the one pushing her out of my being," said Shawn. "Besides, I thought you were one of the people who said Susie wasn't my daughter."

"I was trying to make a point, Shawn."

"By contradicting yourself? Sweet."

Meanwhile back at the office, Susie was dealing with her own contradiction controversy. She was sitting on the roof, cell phone to ear, lollipop in mouth.

"Susie, I have a confession to make," said Monica on the other end.

"Spill." said Susie, twirling the sucker stick between her fingers. Her tongue was going to be a lovely shade of purple.

"Promise you won't kill me."

Susie pulled the sucker out of her mouth. "I'm sorry, I can't promise anything."

Monica sighed. Then she said "Fine. I accept that."

"Alrighty then. What's up?"

"Well….I'm not a …..member of the V club anymore."

"I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, well….."

"Details."

"Susie--"

"Details. Now."

"Like a police statement? Susie, you've been living with a detective too long."

"And it sounds like you've been living in sin."

"Susie, it's not like that."

"Still waiting for details here."

"Fine. Last Friday, Thomas Miller's house, Billy Morgan--"

"Ew. Billy Bob?"

"Susie, he's really nice. And cute and funny and--"

"Large?"

"No, not really. Probably average."

"Didn't need to know that."

"You asked."

"Why?"

"That's what I'mwondering…"

"No, I mean why?"

"Why what?"

"Drugs, alcohol, pressure…..?"

"Candles."

"Candles? What are you talking about?"

"There were vanilla candles… you know how I get with vanilla."

"It'll be your downfall."

"God, why are you being so…. critical now?"

"Because you're contradicting yourself."

"How so?"

"You were co-president of the club because you believed in marriage."

"I still do."

"Doesn't seem that way now, does it?"

"There were insinuating circumstances."

"What the hell."

"Please, Susie. Understand that I'm…. happy now."

"You weren't before?"

"Not like this."

Susie sighed. Her best friend had gone off the deep end. "Well, if something comes up messing, I'm not helping."

"But…"

"But what?"

"Nothing. I guess you're right. I was irresponsible."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!" said Susie, crunching down hard on the sucker and nearly dropping the phone. "What now?"

"What?"

"Please tell me you're not implying--"

"OF COURSE NOT!" said Monica. "Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

"Do you want an honest answer or one of those white lies that make you feel better about yourself?"

"Susie!"

"You said there were vanilla candles….."

"I can't believe you!"

"I can."

There was silence on the other end of the phone. Then Monica said "Of course. I forgot who I was talking to."

"Really?" asked Susie. "Early onset Alzheimer's?"

Monica sighed, but it was one of those 'I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that' sighs. "Look, I gotta go. Just… please don't tell anyone about this."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention that I just e-mailed Time magazine? They're coming to interview you tomorrow for next week's top story. They're very interested."

"You're an ass."

"Thank you."

"Bye."

Susie closed her phone. She was kind of disappointed in Monica, but in the big picture she supposed it didn't really matter. The V club was founded back in middle school, when they had sex-ed. Looking down, Susie saw Shawn and Gus walking up the sidewalk to the office. Just then the phone rang. Susie picked up the handset just as Shawn and Gus had stepped onto the path to the door.

"Psych," said Susie. "Your private eye with a third eye."

"Susie?" asked the Chief. "Is Mr. Spencer in?"

"Yeah, hang on." said Susie. Covering the mouth piece, she leaned over the edge of the roof to find Shawn and Gus looking up at her. "Phone," she said, tossing it down to Shawn.

"Hello?" said Shawn, having caught the phone.

"Mr. Spencer, we need your assistance," said the Chief. "How soon can you get down here?"

"Be right there," said Shawn, hanging up. He looked at Gus. "Let's bounce." Then he looked up at the roof again. But no one was there. "Suze?"

" 'Sup?" asked Susie, walking around the corner of the building.

"You coming?"

"Why not?"

The group walked over to Gus's little blue car. Getting in, Gus said "Did the Chief say what she wanted?"

"Not specifically," said Shawn. "Just that she needed our help." He turned to Susie in the backseat. " 'Your private eye with a third eye'?" he asked.

"I was bored."

"No," he said. "It's catchy."

"Party on." said Susie.

"One question," said Shawn.

"Yeah?"

"Why is your mouth purple?"