A/N: Okay, so I know Netflix is actually currently working on their own movie version of Death Note, but I couldn't resist writing my own idea of how Hollywood might butcher it. At least Netflix's version can't possibly be as bad as this, right? ...Right? D:
Oh, and in case anyone wants to read other fics like this, I've actually written two more in other fandoms.
The Hollywood Adaptation of Death Note
First Arc
In a highrise office, a man sitting at his desk began going over some papers. At the top of the cover page were the words Death Note Movie Script.
"Now let's see why this thing's so popular," he murmured to himself.
After only a few seconds of reading, he chuckled. Yeah, right, Japan. We're totally going to keep the setting there.
He quickly scratched out the word and wrote 'New York? LA?' right above it.
Hm, the hero's name is Light? Well, at least it's English, I'll give 'em that. Weird for a name though, I dunno if we'll keep it. Last name's definitely changing, that's for sure.
Popular high school student, best grades, all around golden boy… yeah, sounds good for the hero.
So he finds this Death Note thing, reads its rules… "The human whose name is written in this note shall die," then a bunch of others, blah blah. Yeah, whatever, the first one seems to cover it pretty clearly, I don't think we need to worry about all these others. Just unnecessary details for the audience to keep track of.
He absently circled the first rule and made an X through the rest.
So the hero tries out the notebook, it works, he's shocked, surprise surprise.
The man's brow furrowed as he continued reading.
Wait, hang on, then the hero keeps using it? What? What was Rick thinking, we can't have the hero be a mass murderer! That makes him the bad guy!
He ran a hand angrily through his hair.
Okay, fine. Obviously we need to say this— what is this thing? A death god? A death god? So there's more than one? Yeah, we're just gonna call it a demon, much simpler. And what's its name, anyway? R-yuck? How are you supposed to pronounce that?
Whatever, so this demon is the one manipulating the hero into killing all these people because it's using its demonic powers to influence his mind, telling him he's making the world a better place. Yeah, that's better.
He furiously scribbled several notes on the page before returning to reading.
Blah blah, people are dying, everyone starts noticing, they start calling him Kira? Why? That makes no sense. I'll have to come up with something more appropriate later.
So this world famous detective shows up and says he's gonna catch the mysterious killer. Goes by L, huh? That's actually pretty cool, using just a letter as his alias. And he's got this assistant, too. What's that name? Wa- Wa- Watery? Sheesh, these Japanese…
Doesn't matter, I can change it later. So he's an old guy, huh? Eeeh, I dunno if I like that. I think it'd work better if he were more in his prime, works as the detective's body-double/personal guard. Maybe the detective got him off some murder charge and now he follows him around to show his gratitude.
The man paused to take a drink from his coffee, then jotted down a few notes before focusing on the script again.
Anyway, the detective starts working with the task force the hero's dad is in charge of, hero's getting info on the investigation from it and staying ahead of them.
Blah blah, time passes, the detective finally meets the task force members in person, and— wait, what? What is this description? He sounds like some weird candy-obsessed social recluse! That's never going to work! He's supposed to be one of the stars! Aagh, I'm going to have to redo this entire character from scratch!
He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, considering his possibilities.
Let's see, he's a world famous brilliant detective… we've already got a young genius lead, we should balance that out with age and experience. Draw on some of the classic detectives for inspiration.
He quickly leaned forward again and scribbled 'middle-aged, classic trenchcoat/fedora look, NO CANDY' by the character's name.
That's better. Now, what's next?
Hmm, plot progresses, the hero joins the task force too and the detective immediately suspects him of being the killer thanks to some kind of deductive reasoning. Doesn't have any proof though, so he can't do anything, and the hero keeps killing thanks to the evil demon whispering in his ear all the time.
Then some new chick shows up, named… Misa? No, we'll change that to Mitzy, fits a cutesy blonde better anyway.
He jotted down a quick note by her name.
And hey, look at that, she's got a demon of her own! Guess there are more than one. So she's obsessed with the hero because…
The man frowned as he continued reading.
Eeeh, you know what? This sounds kind of kinky, I think we'll just make her his classmate and girlfriend instead.
He crossed out several lines of text and added a short note.
So the plot thickens, things happen, yada yada.
He took another drink of his coffee as he kept reading. After a few minutes he neared the end of the script, his brow steadily furrowing as he did. When he finished, he just stared at the pages in front of him for a moment.
Yeah, that's it, we're gonna have to change that entire third act. Way too complicated for audiences, and we can't kill off one of the good guys! I mean, come on, Rick oughta know better!
Instead we can do something like the hero's girlfriend finds out what's really going on and contacts the detective out of concern for her boyfriend. The detective comes up with a plan to lure the hero to some abandoned place and try to talk sense into him.
The girlfriend's there too, and it looks like her words are having an affect on the hero, but then his demon shows up and is furious with the hero for betraying him, so in a dramatic moment writes the hero's name down in his own notebook!
Only the hero can't really die, I'll have to work on that.
Anyway, the hero collapses apparently dead, the girlfriend and detective are horrified and shocked, and the demon starts to write their names down, too. Only… hmm.
The man paused, considering, then suddenly brightened.
No wait, I've got it! Then the girlfriend's demon appears, makes some speech about caring about her wellbeing and not allowing harm to come to her, and writes the other demon's name down, causing it to dissolve into a writhing ball of smoke! It's brilliant, no one'll see the twist coming! Then, uh, I guess the girlfriend's demon uses its demonic powers to bring the hero back to life. Yeah, sure.
So the hero is freed from the evil demon's grasp and he and his girlfriend share a sappy embrace while the detective welcomes him back with a gruff pat on the back or something. Happy ending all around!
The man leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms over his head as he let out a satisfied sigh.
"I swear, these Japanese come up with an idea that has so much potential, then manage to botch the execution! It's a wonder this thing ever got popular in the first place," he muttered.
He leaned over to the phone on his desk and pressed a button. "Christina, could you contact Rick for me? We need to go over some things."
—
(A few days later…)
"Rick, buddy, why didn't you mention this Death Eraser thing before? It's brilliant! Works so much better than random demon powers bringing the hero back to life! I mean, come on, an eraser fits perfectly with the whole notebook theme! Write it into the script, would ya?"
