SP1304

Preface

There's no other way to describe Sam Puckett than an extremely, extremely complex robot. A complex, dense and confusing girl robot. One that comes with an instruction manual, fortunately. Ten years ago, I never would have understood why she is the way she is. Slowly, I began to work my way around this girl's brain. I've had my fair share of cuts and bruises (literally and metaphorically) doing this, but hey, I'm still here. Use the manual wisely and carefully. I only spent ten years writing it.


1.1 Safety

Read these simple guidelines. Not following them may be dangerous or illegal (seriously). Read the complete user guide for further information.

1. Approach Safely
Do not try to act nice when you first meet her. Simply raise an eyebrow and nod in her direction. The consequences may be deadly.

"Hi, I'm Freddie. Carly's friend." I stuck out a hand and flashed a huge grin at the pretty blonde girl Carly had introduced me to. She took one look at me and scrunched up her face in disgust.

"Eww. I don't have time to talk to nubs like you. Carly, did he put a spell on you or something? Why'd you bring him here?"

"Sam! Be nice. He just moved in next door, and I thought it'd be nice to show him around so he can make new friends."

"I'll be nice to normal people. Look at him; he looks like one of those wieners that locks himself in his bedroom and plays with Galaxy Wars action figures."

"Hey! I do not-That is offensive! I'm sitting right here!" I huffed. She raised an eyebrow at me and snorted.

"You call that offensive? I'll show you offensive."

"Wha-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" I didn't even finish the first word before she took me by the arm and flipped me over onto the floor. Yeah. I got flipped by a tiny blonde girl. How emasculating can this get?

I ended up with a sore rear end for three whole weeks.


2. Road Safety Comes First

No matter what she does, obey all local laws. Always make sure she is at least two meters away from you when crossing the street, and always have her sit in the backseat while driving, so that she is not in the position to physically distract you. Your first consideration while driving should be road safety.

The three of us stood waiting for the green man to appear so that we could cross the street. I made the huge mistake of walking slightly faster, hence standing in front of Sam.

"Move your head, Frednerd. I can't see anything with a giant goop of dork in my face."

"Make me." Bad move, Freddie. Baaaaaaad move. With one shove, she pushed me into the street, my arms flailing as I struggled to keep balance. With a giant truck coming my way, I ran the rest of the way across the street, glaring at her as I did. She had a significant smirk plastered on her face. That darned girl. I felt a tap on my shoulder. Uh-oh.

"Excuse me, son. I'm 'fraid I'm going to have to charge you for crossing the road on a red light."

*

Since my mom finally agreed to let me get a car, I've been driving myself and the girls to school everyday. Today, however, Carly had been sick, so it just the demoness and I That's never good news... I should never have let her sit in the front with me.

"Can I drive?" she fumbled around in my back pocket for my car keys.

"No, Sam. You don't have your license, and I don't think the population of Seattle are gonna be pleased to know that they'll be dying in the next half-hour."

"Puh-lease. I may be a non-geeky girl, but I game more than you do. I could fly a helicopter if I wanted to."

"Sam, the driving you do in gaming is not the same as actual driving."

"Pffft. Fine. You always ruin all the fun." she pouted and climbed in the front passenger seat. As I started the car, she began to observe the buttons on the dashboard.

"What does that do?" She pointed to a button as we pulled out of the building's parking lot.

"That opens the roof window. It's gonna rain soon. Don't push it." Had I not said 'Don't push it', she wouldn't have. And so the window slowly pulls back as rain drops begin to splatter onto my hand on the joystick. Yeah, I drive a stick shift. Impressive? Okay, not really.

"Sam! Close the damned window! It's raining. You're gonna make the inside of the car wet!" I reached for the button, but she grabbed my arm and bit it hard, causing my other hand to let go of the steering wheel in attempt to free my other arm of her vicious teeth. It didn't hurt that much. I'd been bitten by her before, so it was kind of normalcy now. As I struggled to retrieve my arm from the grip of her girl fangs, my elbow hit the horn, causing about five other cars around us to flee in other directions, one running into a lamp post. It was only then that I realized that we were about to crash into a building wall.

"SAM! JUMP OUT OF THE CAR! I'M SERIOUS!" She looked up from biting me, eyes widening, then fumbled with the door handle, as I did the same.

"Okay, on three, we jump out." I nodded frantically.

"One……Two…..THREE!" I flung the door open and jumped out, rolling onto my side as I did. I had my eyes squeezed shut, waiting to hear the loud crash to happen as my beautiful car would be destroyed. Ten seconds. I heard nothing. Nothing but the tires coming to a screeching halt. I forced one eye open, only to see the grinning demoness herself, casually walking towards me, the car keys hanging from her fingers.

"Sam! Are you okay?!" I grabbed her shoulders and hugged her so tightly; I swear I was crushing her lungs if they hadn't so unfortunately been crushed already.

"Ew. Get your hands off of me, you dweeb." But she did nothing to push me off. "Both me and your car are fine." Wait. My car!

There it was, bare centimeters from the wall, completely unharmed. I saw the giant black lines the tires had made in the road, most likely from the extremely sudden brake. I was in awe. But how? I looked at her, eyebrows arched in disbelief. She merely gave her signature smirk.

"

Told you mama could drive."


3. Interference

Even if she is not within two meters of you, remember that sound is another distraction, whether it be behind the wheel or in normal stationary situations. Always keep a steady supply of junk food, preferably Fat Cakes, or crispy bacon.

"And speaking of boys Carly doesn't want to go out with, ladies and gentleman- Fredemame Benson!" she gestured at me like an object as I approached them at their lockers. Too easy.

"Girls who are rude to me don't get a bag of bacon." I smirked, dangling the baggie of crispy goodness in front of her. Her eyes burned with hunger.

"

Wow, Freddie. Ineverrealisedwhatahandsomhunkofboyyouweregimmethat." She snatched the bag out of my hand.


4. Keep Product Out Of Restricted Areas

Follow any restrictions. Keep the product out of restricted areas such as important meetings, occupied bathroom stalls (or vacant ones), janitors' closets, and away from sharp or destructive objects.

"Alright guys. So this week, we have to prepare the promotion video for the winter carnival, which will be shown in assembly on Monday. Anyone have any ideas?" Shane shifted his glance around the circle, fiddling with the clipboard in his lap. I raised my hand.

"Well, I was thinking that-" Just then the door flew open, to reveal none other than my arch nemesis.

"Sam? What on earth are you doing here?!" she came over to me and pouted, hands on her hips.

"Frediiiiiieeee. You said you'd come to the mall with me today! Why are you sitting here with a bunch of geeks?" My face turned beet red. Why was she acting like this?

"Uh, no. I never said that, Sam. We're kinda having a meeting here. I'll speak to you later, okay?" I gently nudged her away, not wanting to act uncourteously in front of my fellow AV club members.

"Oh, so now I'm not as important to you as these people? You promised, Freddie! You promised. I-I thought you l-loved meeee!!" She wailed as tears streamed down her face. What? Why on earth is she crying? I nervously got up, taking her hand.

"Uh….excuse me for a moment, guys."

"Yeah, sure." The all mumbled awkwardly. I pulled her outside of the computer room and brought her into the hallway. I could just hear the other guys going "ooooooooooh."

I dragged her far enough down the hallway so they couldn't hear us.

"Sam! Are you okay? Why on earth are you crying?" I grabbed her by the shoulders. She quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks, as a smile crept up on her face.

"Nothing. I just decided that I was hungry, but I have no money on me, and Carly went home early."

"And so you decided to completely humiliate me in the middle of an AV club meeting? Do you realize that from now on they'll be making fun of me for this? They all think we're going out, and not only that- they think I'm a crappy boyfriend! Which I wouldn't be, but it's not even true, anyway! Gosh, Sam!" she just chuckled at my frustration. Why couldn't she have just beat me up and demand for money instead, like she always does?.
"Okay, first off, I just wanted to borrow money. Or if you wanna ditch and come with me, that's fine, too, because I know you don't trust me with money. And secondly, consider yourself lucky that they think we're together. Just be glad that they think you have a girlfriend at all. All those dweebs in there would never get a girl even if they tried…except maybe Shane. He's hot."

"Gee. Thanks, Sam. That makes me feel soooooo much better."

"You're very welcome. Now are you gonna introduce me to your nerd friends or what?" she said, jokingly. I think. I rolled my eyes and reached into my back pocket.

"Look. I'll give you ten bucks if you leave me alone for the rest of today .Okay?" She grinned, and plucked the ten out of my hands. She then peered over my shoulder. I could just feel the eyes of the AV club members on my back, peering around the door Scooby-Doo style. She looked back at me with a knowing smile, then, wrapping her arms around my neck, reached up and kissed my cheek quickly before sauntering- yes, sauntering- off down the hallway. She only took a few steps before she turned back around and blew me a kiss. That girl just pushes it too far sometimes.

I shuffled my way back to the meeting room, where twenty grinning geeks stared at me, as if waiting for some kind of announcement. I slowly sat down and smiled.

"I think that from now on, we should lock the door when we're having a meeting."


A/N: Well? Let me know what you guys think. Reviews are love :) Should I continue?