Author's Note: This is a product of extreme boredom and angst. So, here's the gist of it: It's just a big hodgepodge of events that contains possibly any, if not all, characters that has been spawned from Square Enix Studio. Enjoy. Don't complain to me about OOC or any such nonsense, for I shall ignore you and think less of you as a person for not heeding my warning.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.
We were sitting in Reno's car listening to Polka music. It was sufficient to say, the guy was on a ball rolling downhill with nowhere up to go. "Reno…" I began slowly over the upbeat rhythm of a particular accordion solo, "You should get a girlfriend." He stared at me blankly. "Naw. I'm fine, dude. I'm good." His voice hesitated as he said 'good' while his eyes drifted over to the sun-damaged dashboard of his beat-up corolla.
"Reno…" I began again, "Your name is a geographical location, you're Axel's older brother, and you haven't gotten laid in six months. Your brother has more game than you… and he's a pyromaniac, who's about as straight as a circle."
"Hey! You know, if you look at a segment of the circle, technically it's a line," Reno said defensively.
"Yeah, and if we look back on your past failed romances, all three counting, your chances of getting laid is technically zip," I said matter-of-factly.
"You're harsh." A petulant pout graced his face.
"We're sitting in your car listening to motherfucking polka music, there's no room for sympathy anymore. It's time for some drastic measures."
"Have you considered homosexuality as an option?" I asked carefully, posing the question in an inquisitive manner, hoping to all the gods that my face was straight and lacked the mirth that threatened to explode all over the windshield. Sometimes I wished I had inherited some of that stoicism that my family possesses. But at the moment I had to settle with biting down on my bottom lip as hard as possible to prevent myself from laughing with pure, unadulterated glee.
Of course the response to my question was a look of utter horror from Reno. I sighed with a roll of my eyes. "I mean, you haven't thought about it." I pointed out. "All of the past three relationships you've had ended in disaster. And you said so yourself that the best thing that happened to you out of those three affairs was one of your girlfriend turning lesbian. Maybe it's time to give up the fairer sex." I said with a shrug.
"But GAY?!" Reno asked dubiously. If his eyes were any bigger the demon-spawn of a pug that lived in my apartment complex could have been put to shame. "Look, I know this is a big shock to you, but anal sex isn't all that bad." I said reassuringly. Though I'm sure Reno was in no way reassured, as a matter of fact, he looked as though he was about to upchuck in his already barf-smelling car. "I've never partake in said activities, but I hear it is quite pleasurable. And if you ever need help you can always peruse your brother's vast and extensive collection of… raw materials." I said slowly and carefully, dragging out the syllables so Reno's plebeian mind wouldn't have an aneurysm.
Blank stares followed my statement.
"Ok, get out." He said whilst opening the car door on my side. Hot night air assaulted me as the car door swung open. "I'm trying to help you here." I said irritably, reaching to close the door. "No, you're trying to convert me to unholy activities that would have my father rolling in his cheap ply-wood casket." He snapped back hotly. I snorted with as much derision as my sarcastic little body could muster. "Yeah, since when did your minimum-waged, pizza-delivering ass believe in anything else spiritual besides a good tip."
"I'll have you know, those tips are my gas money! Just be glad I don't make you pay me for driving your fat, ugly butt around!" The petulant expression returned. I sighed for the umpteenth time again. This was worst than the time I made him sit through "How to lose a guy in ten days." Despite the fact that it was a chick flick, the film still had its redeeming values. Like the whole love fern thing, that was such a cute idea. I even pitched it to Axel when he and Roxas got into a fight. Of course the kid looked at me like the CIA had slipped some LSD into my drink mistaking it for Fidel Castro's. Honestly, how many times have they attempted to assassinate the guy? He's on his deathbed and I'm sure they're still trying to send him some chocolates filled with heavy pesticides.
I can just imagine it now: a neat little red box wrapped up in golden stain ribbons (because it's commie colors) with a get-well/greeting card signed "Love, the CIA" arriving at the poor dying man's bedside. But I digress.
"Reno…" I began, yet again, but I guess he finally caught on, because he cut me off at his name. "Cloud, I really appreciate this, but it's getting us nowhere. I mean talking to you is depressing the hell out of me. It makes me want to go home and hug my dog and cry into the linoleum floor." He said exasperatedly. After a couple of minutes of silence, which was basically us tracing the outlines of his hideous maroon-ish dashboard with our eyes, my voice broke through the vacuum of his self-pitying grief.
"That's sad," I said quietly.
"I know," he retorted shortly.
"I mean, linoleum? What the hell is with the retro-chic 60's plastic kitchen look? You should invest in remodeling. Maybe it'll help you get girls… or guys." I supplied helpfully.
"Ok, that's it. Seriously this time, get the fuck out." He said, pointing at my door. His face was dead-on serious. A glance at his serious face had me bursting out in laughter. Reno always did look constipated when he attempts to look serious.
