'Thoughts'
-Shade- I watched them grow old, I saw I my son mate with
Luna and had children of his own. I saw Marina die…I was grateful
she went peacefully and my heart soared when she arrived at my side.
It was good to know that Frieda had found her and that she made it to
the tree unharmed…I had my mate back, and, together, we watched my
son raise his children. I was so proud of him, and yet, I was also
saddened…he had grown into a fine young bat and became a wonderful
father without me…I only wish I could have been there for him in
more than just spirit. I'm not saying I regret giving my
life for him, oh no, I'm glad he could live on to show this world
what he was made of…but I wish I could have been a bigger part of
his life…I was scarcely older than a newborn! I should have lived
longer! After what I'm sure has been a hundred years, I feel
regret and anger start to rise within me, but I can feel something
else as well…curiosity. I've become so many things in this past
century, but, there has been one thing I don't recall ever trying:
becoming one with an impregnated female. I've become one with
Marina's spirit many a time, but, after I died, she stayed loyal to
my memory and never mated again…how I love her so much. The
thought has so often crossed my mind if it would be possible for me
to be reborn. That, maybe, by becoming one with a female who was
carrying a child within her, my soul would be accepted into the body
of the unborn pup and I would be born again into the Silverwing
Colony. Of course, after Griffin had joined us in death, my curiosity
had subsided somewhat…but it never truly left me. Finally,
during the female's migration, I had my chance… Normally,
Marina, Griffin, and I would branch off with our separate gender's
migration route, but after I told them what I had wanted to do, they
had actually wondered the exact same thing. If it were possible, we
were going to truly make it back into the land of the living…and we
were going to do it together. Before they started their flight
back to Tree Haven, the three of us each picked a female. Our
selection was totally random, but I felt like I had chose mine for a
reason. My chosen female, I had found that Serena was her name,
seemed different from the other mothers-to-be. While the others were
talking excitedly about what they had decided to name their child,
Serena shied away from them and she always seemed so sick with worry.
What had happened to her that she wasn't excited about the child?
Had her mate died? That seemed to be the only reason that I could
think of that would make an expectant mother so upset. While
watching her one morning, as she was trying to sleep, I saw she was
shaking, sobbing so hard that I could barely make out the muffled
prayer she was saying. 'please, Nocturna.' she had said, 'please
let this child live…I beg of you…let it live…' She was
pleading to a Goddess who could do nothing about it, I felt that I
could though…I could do something for her! I just needed to know
more… That night, she did not hunt, she went straight to the
elders, hoping they had good news for her and her unborn pup. There
was no such news for her…they had scoffed at her, telling her she
was weak, that it was her fault that the child wouldn't live. If
she had been strong enough to carry her child, she would have not
have been blown off course, she would not have hit the tree so hard
and the child within her would still be alive and growing. My
heart sank, or I had felt something much like it, as I heard them
talk, it seems as though the kindness Frieda had once shown to all
had been long since forgotten. It had never crossed my mind that
mothers could be unfit to carry children, I never knew they could die
before they were born…I knew they could die shortly afterwards, but
before, I couldn't seem to wrap my mind around it…if I had heard
such news when Griffin was to be born…I don't even wish to think
about it… The time had come, it was nearly time for the
females to reach Tree Haven. The three of us wished each other luck
and designated the topmost brand of the nursery roost to be our
rendezvous point should nothing happen. Then, we took the plunge. It
felt so weird, I was sure it was quite the same as actually having a
living creature inside of me, but having the lifeless body of one
within me felt just as weird…to give birth to a lifeless body…even
when I was one with her, I couldn't imagine the pain and sorrow she
was feeling. I controlled my movements as best I could; I was
finally able to leave her body and enter the womb. I stayed in the
body of the pup for a moment, but I felt nothing, I was still me, and
it was still nothing more than a dead body…I had failed, my
thoughts and hopes of being reborn flitted away like my first Tiger
Moth. I couldn't obtain my dream, no matter how hard I tried. As I
left the body of both the pup and the female, I felt this weird
tugging sensation…it didn't hurt, as I could no longer feel pain,
but it felt very odd nonetheless. I flew effortlessly to the branch
we had agreed to meet on and I was greeted by Marina and Griffin;
neither of them had any luck with a live body either. I will
always be happy with the fact that I am still with the mate and son I
love. I'm grateful that it didn't work for us all, I only now
realized that we could have possibly been separated if we had been
given new lives and now I thank Nocturna, wherever she is, that I
still have them both. Still…I can't help but wonder…what was
the weird sensation I felt as I left her body? Until a month or so
after the pups are born, there won't be much for us to see. We'll
check in on them before the first migration…possibly.
Death
has been good to me all these years; I've been able to become as
one with this earth. I've become everything I've ever wanted to
in this forest; the trees my loved ones roost in, the wind through
their fur, I've even whispered my love to them…Marina, I know she
heard me, several times as my spirit roosted with her and Griffin
each night.
