Guys so many feelings in 1x10. This has to be renewed because I can't deal with the uncertainty. Title is the name of the song Noah AKA Tyler Hilton sang...I know it's slightly meta to use it in a fic but my god those writers know how to subtly make connections and parallels.
Forgive grammar and spelling, I literately wrote this in like 2 hours after watching 1x10 about 5 times
In a matter of moments, the atmosphere inside stadium went from euphoric to worry and agony. Maybe she shouldn't have said it. Maybe Oscar should have pushed harder to protect her. Maybe Al should have listened to Blip. Maybe Mike should have...done so many things differently.
All those thoughts ran through his head the moment he saw her on the ground, clutching her arm, pain clear on her face. He felt his stomach drop and his heart had made its way to his throat. She was in pain and despite her words a few moments ago, he wanted to be her white knight, not that he thought she needed saving. He never thought she needed saving, guiding yes, but never saving. He wanted to be her white knight because being with her, made him want to be a man worthy of her.
By the time the trainer had reached Ginny, Mike had already made up his mind. He was going to be the one next to her every step of the way, and in any way that she deemed to be best. She had said that they weren't going to talk about it while they were teammates, and that was fine by him. That meant that he was going to be in her obit no matter what. And when the time came, they would have that conversation and Mike would lay it all out on the table. He would say the words he almost said two nights ago.
Ginny left the under her own power to thunderous applause, but he wished it would have been after the next three outs, not because she was on her way for an MRI, X-rays and a whole host of other tests he didn't want to think about.
He wanted to go with her through the tunnel and be by her side as she went for all those tests. But he knew she needed him to finish the game. So he did that and got their win. His mind was there at the park, but his heart was with her.
And that thought scared him more than the night outside the bar. In the past 48 hours he had been through just about every emotional state known to man. He thought about his conversation with Al. The Cubs were the new girl that made him feel young. Al is wiser than most people give him credit for. He may have been talking about the trade but on some level Mike wonder if he knew about his feelings for Ginny.
Then there was Rachel. Was she right? Did he only want what he couldn't have? He thought that he could have her back. He went to her room last night and it felt good, but like a memory of another life. It was warm and comfortable and everything he thought he wanted, until Ginny went down.
He was sitting in his living room; eyes fixed on the T.V., the two most important women in his life on the screen. One his past, the other his present and he knew which one he wanted to be his future.
He tried fighting it; hell he little tried to run away from it. But he was done running now. He was going to wait for her to tell him when they could have that conversation. He could make that sacrifice for her, because she wasn't asking him to. She was telling him how it was going to be.
No Ginny Baker did not need saving. Mike Lawson was the one who needed to be saved. Ginny saved him.
He thought about what that meant as he was driving to the hospital. "Figure out what you really want and sort yourself out before you drag anyone else into your garbage". Rachel's words echoed in his head. His whole life, Mike yearned for that missing piece that would make him whole. First it was the family that he had been denied. He found that with The Padres. Then it was a healthy, nurturing relationship with Rachel to fill the void left by his mother. When he met Rachel, he thought that she was everything he needed to be whole. But baseball was still there when she walked out on him. The ring became his newest obsession. "I'm running out of time and I haven't won a world series". Father Time was catching up to him and he still wasn't whole.
Ginny gave him everything without so much as needing to ask for it. Their relationship was built over time. It started off rocky, but they found a rhythm to their life on the field, and then built one off the field. She was his team and battery-mate first, friend next, and when she was ready for it, the woman who held his heart. He would wait for her because it meant that he got to keep her close as the first two.
It didn't take much for the nurse at the desk to tell him what room she was in. This was San Diego after all and he was practically mayor. "She's in room 411 Mr. Lawson" she gave him a sympathetic look and for a split second, Mike wonder what she saw on his face.
"Thanks." He muttered as he made his way to the elevator.
He stopped short of her door when he heard her talking "No mom. You don't need to fly out here. At least not yet. We don't know anything yet. Okay I'll keep you posted." Mike wasn't sure what he heard in her voice: fear, pain, sadness, worry, disappointment, or all of the above. She sounded like a little girl. Not the strong, confident woman who told him off a few short hours ago.
He wanted nothing more than to rush in to that room, grab her in his arms, holding her so tight that she knew he wasn't ever going to let her go, knowing that she was loved by him. But he would be doing that for himself, not her.
Instead, Mike swallowed attempting to remain as calm as possible. He brushed his knuckles on the door as he walked in to the room "Well Rookie I told you not to say it. Don't mess with superstition." He was trying to bring a smile to her face but when his eyes met her face that was clearly the wrong approach. She had been crying and she had a look on her face that he had never seen before. She barley acknowledged his presence. He made his way closer to her bed and pulled the chair up along her left side. "How are you doing Ginny" his voice was softer this time as he spoke.
Ginny shook her head before speaking "We don't know much yet. They need to run more tests and they don't know if I need Tommy John Surgery yet. They said it could be something in my shoulder instead of my elbow. They can't tell right now because everything is so swollen."
He nodded "And the pain how is the pain. Are they giving you anything for it?"
"It's not so bad now. They offered the good stuff but I opted for just a couple T-3s."
"You don't need to tough it out Ginny. You can take the meds, make sure you're comfortable."
"It is more of a numb feeling anyway. Not a pain feeling. Really Mike, I'm okay."
They sat in silence for a few minutes just staring at each other. He was happy just sitting here with her.
"I'm sorry" she whispered. He crinkled his eyebrows, not really understanding what she was apologizing for. "I'm sorry I didn't let you give you speech. I'm sorry I said it. I'm sorry.."
He cut her off "Hey Ginny. Look at me. You have nothing to be sorry for." He took her hand in his, "We all knew you had reached your limit and that it was a possibility. We all wanted you to go the distance but truth be told, I was right there with you. And your speech was far better than mine anyway." He said with a chuckle.
He held on to her fingers and shifted forwards towards her. "Mike, I'm scared." She said ever so slightly.
"I know hun. But I am going to be here with you every step of the way. I will go to every appointment and PT and everything in between. I'll be right her next to you." She gave him an odd sort of look "I mean if you want me to. I know you don't need me and my white horse but I want to be there for you."
"Look what I said on the mound was true. I will decide when we talk about the other night and while we are teammate, that's not going to happen. I don't want to complicate this, whatever this is."
"Ginny I will wait for as long as you see fit before we talk about the other night, I'm not going anywhere." She seemed to relax a little. Her hand still intertwined in his. She shifted a little. Trying to make herself more comfortable. "I'll let you get some sleep Rookie. I'll be back tomorrow to check on you." He said getting up, and pulling the blanket around her, trying not to jostle her sling and arm.
"Mike can you just stay and talk to me until I fall asleep? Hospitals freak me out." The little girl voice was back.
He nodded before leaning down and gentle brushing her hair away from her face and kissing her forehead. "Of course anything you want." He sat back down in his chair, retaking her hand in his.
They tried to make light of the situation by laughing and joking. She slipped in to sleep pretty quickly. Mike knew that he could go hell she had expected him to go. Instead he shifted in his chair, leaning his head on the edge of her bed. He was going to remain by her side.
He heard a song playing in the distance:
I've been thinking 'bout for days
Every word you hear me say hope you never know
Cause you lose and it's your loss
But what you win might stand to cost you the rodeo
What age am I turning to finally be learning I know nothing to be true
Except I've come far as I can on my way to you
All I've ever wanted was to be the one you're coming home to
Instead of running scared and hiding, look into your eyes and say what you never knew
That all I ever wanted was to be
Next to you
A smile crept on to his face as he drifted into slumber, knowing he wouldn't have to wait long to spend eternity next to Ginny.
