This is my first fic in many years and the first one that I have published. Yes, it is a self-insert. No, I do not care if you like them or not. No flames, trolls, or "I hate this" b.s. This story is rated M to MA for swearing and one scene that contains sexual reference and innuendo. I do not own anything but the OC's. The rest belongs to Tolkien. This is part one in a five part series. Read and enjoy...or not...It's all based off of recovered files and 15 months worth of work. I won't describe the story because I want you to make an opinion based off of what you read in the story, not some piddly little tidbit that doesn't do the story justice. Thanks.
The Hobbit-MY Unexpected Journey in Middle Earth
Introduction-
I had just gotten home from checking on job applications, being disappointed yet again. My wife had given me the ultimatum that I needed to find a job by the end of the month, or I would be out on my ass.
It wasn't my fault that no one was hiring! I had gone to both temp agencies in town, and checked up on my application with the local university as a custodian. The former told me that since I had no car but plenty of factory experience that there was nothing that they could do because the job they wanted to place me in was a factory thirty miles away. The latter had told me that the position was "Still under advisement."
I was watching the first hobbit movie when my wife walked through the front door of our apartment (I had only been home for ten or twelve minutes...soaked in sweat from walking around town all day). "Did you check on your applications," she asked me. No "hello," "Hey baby," or even so much as an "I love you!" Granted, she was pregnant and worried about how we would provide for our child, but come on!
"Yes," I replied, "I checked, and it was the same story as it has been all summer long. They either have a job they cannot place me in because it is too far and we have no car, or they are still trying to make a decision." Being stressed from a hard day of work, she completely lost it!
"I can't do this anymore! This is bullshit, and I think you are lying to me! Just...just get out! get the fuck out! NOW," she exploded in a fit of hormone fueled rage! "Wha..? No! Don't do this now when you are pregnant, and we need each other," I pleaded with her. We spent over an hour going back and forth. She finally agreed to let me stay when I told her that she could come with me when I checked on my applications the next day.
We ate silently, and she told me to "Shut the fuck up" every time I tried to talk to her. Being on the autism spectrum, this was foreign territory and was making me entirely uncomfortable. Finally giving in to my disability, I started stimming and repeatedly saying, "Talk to me, let me stay, I promise I'll be good." I hadn't done that in roughly a decade! After listening to me for a long while, my wife couldn't stand it.
"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP," she bellowed like a bear protecting her cubs! I kept trying to get her to talk, calm down, and make myself feel less stressed about everything.
My wife realized that I was not going to let it go and finally threw a heavy pair of steel pliers at the DVD player as I pulled the first movie disc out and put "The Desolation of Smaug" in. Sparks started flying, and threatened to spark a fire.
"Don't touch it," my wife warned me as she headed for the breaker box. "H-have to fix it, have to fix it, have to fix it. Make it better so nobody hates me," I was having a full on "Autistic Meltdown." "Nobody hates you! Just don't touch it you dumbass," her words fell on deaf ears.
I reached for the pliers, and felt the most exquisite and bone jarring pain I had ever experienced in my life. Stars swam in my vision, my body tensed up, and I heard a crackling sizzle as there was a bright bluish-white flash. The next thing I knew was nothingness (a pitch black, eventually lightening to a soft white).
"Welcome to the 'Halls of Mandos' young one," a voice said, "You have been sent to us so that we may heal your broken body before sending you on." "S-sending me on? 'Halls of Mandos?' The 'Halls of Mandos' don't exist. They are part of a well written story! What do you mean sending me on," I pressed the voice for answers. "Speak with the Lady Galadriel when you arrive in Imladris. For now you will rest and finish healing in the home of a hobbit. Now wake," the voice said.
CHAPTER ONE-
"Wake up! Please wake up," a voice similar to that of Martin Freeman pleaded with me. Dazed and VERY confused, I sat up slowly, blinking slowly as my eyes focused.
Kneeling before me was a strangely dressed man that looked to be in his late thirties to mid-forties. When he noticed that I was awake he said, "Would you mind telling me what you are doing in my garden and how you got there in the first place?" "Um. I-I don't really know. I was watching a dvd with my wife and then the player started sparking. I went to fix it even though she told me not to touch it. She said it was too dangerous. I didn't listen, and after pain and a flash of light I was in a bright place. A voice said it was the 'Halls of Mandos.' The next thing that I remember is waking up here," I jabbered quickly.
"That is certainly strange. I don't know what a D-V-D is, but I have heard of the 'Halls of Mandos.' Please come inside and we will see if we can't get to the bottom of this," the small man said. Thanking him, I stood and followed him inside his small home on unsteady feet.
Once inside, I ran headlong into an archway leading to his kitchen. I sat at a small, oak table and groaned as my sore muscles protested this movement. "You look a little worse for wear. My name is Bilbo Baggins," he gave a supposedly reassuring smile. "I was afraid you were going to say that. My name is Brandon Geisler, but you can call me Christoph; and I must be dreaming," I replied. Why do you think you are dreaming," he inquired gently. "Because you are only a character in a novel; none of this is real," I shouted nervously as I began stimming.
"I assure you that this is all real. I don't know from which realm you hail, nor who this 'Tolkien' is, but this is all real. Just calm down and allow me to tell you about Middle Earth," he said softly. Not wanting to believe it, but having no other choice, I sat and listened to the "Bilbo" wannabe.
Several hours later, as the sun was setting, I sat in disbelief! Everything the small man said made sense! He had returned from one of his storerooms with a large leather pouch full of what he called "Old Toby." Lighting his pipe, he finished explaining things about this small village of small people.
Once he was done with his story he handed me a cup of tea and said, "The only thing I can do is offer you a place to stay and help you find some employment. You are my guest, and I will introduce you to everyone in town as a dear family friend to keep suspicion down. I need to know what you did in your realm so that I may tell them. I will just tell them that you are from far to the north," he finished.
I told him that I had been in the army, the National Guard ("A type of militia" I told him), and worked in factories. He decided it best that we tell everyone that I was a soldier in my homeland and leave it at that.
We spent the rest of the night talking, and eating some good food. Late into the night he showed me to a room that would be mine as long as I was a guest in his home. The next day he had informed me, would be my first trip into the heart of Hobbiton. Wondering what my wife must be thinking and doing, I fell into an uneasy sleep.
