OUTFITS ARE ON POLYVORE

I ONLY OWN CORA FEDER


I was woken up to a lot of screaming. My family and I moved here 10 months ago, so I'm pretty used to the shenanigans that's going on, mainly between my dad and his friends. I got out of bed and got on my black flip flop slippers and I was wearing them with my Black Veil Brides t-shirt and my red and black ruffled flannel pajama shorts and when I walked out, there was a deer running through the halls. That was at the same time as my little brother, Keithie, opened his door and saw the deer too. "No way. Can I ride it?" he asked. I just rolled my eyes. The deer went into the bathroom. Wait a minute, wasn't my twin brother, Greg taking a shower in there? I went with my dad and Keithie. I saw the deer running out of the bathroom as I heard my little sister. "A deer!" my little sister, Becky said as my dad, Keithie and I threw the basket full of clothes from the laundry on the deer. The deer shook off the clothes and the only thing that was on the antler was my mom's bra. The deer had run down the stairs. I was slowly going down the kitchen between Keithie and my mom. "Daddy, I left the door open in case any animals wanted to come in." Becky said. Again? "You did, huh?" my dad asked "And one did." Becky replied. "Yeah, one crazy ass one." Keithie said. I just smacked him upside the head. "You were doing the right thing, Becky." I reassured her. I know how much she loves animals.

"Greg, I might need a bat!" my dad exclaimed up to Greg. "Daddy, no!" Becky cried out. "No, no, I'm not going to hit the deer. I'm going to massage it's head with it." my dad reassured. "Nice save, dad." I replied. "Not helping, Cora." he replied. The deer was now eating our dog, Bowser's food. "He's eating Bowser's food." I said. Then the deer noticed us. I could see the deer now staring at Becky's stuffed monkey doll, Mr. Gigglesworth. "Move your doll towards me." my dad said. And she did that, causing the deer to look at it. "And back to you." he said. She repeated that and the deer was still staring at the deer. They had repeated that process. "Give it to me." my dad said. "Mr. Gigglesworth?" Becky whimpered a bit. "Give it to me." my dad repeated. Becky reluctantly gives him the doll. Then my dad motioned for us to get out of the way. So far, my dad was walking slowly then broke out into a run and then saw our mailman, Frank and he threw the monkey out into the yard. The deer had run out of the house towards the doll and we had gone out to the porch. "Problem solved." my dad said. Then the deer was destroying Mr. Gigglesworth. "Mr. Gigglesworth! Daddy, he's killing him!" Becky cried. "New problem began." he said as Becky was now crying in my stomach. I was rubbing her back, trying to comfort her.

"Is that your bra, Mrs. Feder?" Frank asked. She just nodded. "Easy." my dad said but ended up high-fiving him, that just caused me to roll my eyes. When we were eating breakfast, my dad told us about Kurt and Deanne McKenzie's 20th anniversary and that Marcus Higgins has a son.

After breakfast and getting ready for school, I walked down our driveway to our bus stop. I was wearing a Rolling Stones tank top with my shorts and my black Nike shoes. Because I was planning to lounge around the pool, I was wearing my blue bikini under my clothes. "HAVE A GOOD LAST DAY OF SCHOOL, MY GORGEOUS CHILDREN! I LOVE YOU ALL!" my mom yelled through her car. A chorus of "Bye Mom" came from us. "Last day of school, Greg. Last chance to ask out Nancy Arbuckle." Keithie says. I'm still getting used to the fact that my brother has a big crush on my best friend, Nancy. Well, Greg doesn't know how much of a crush she has on him. "Nancy Arbuckle? Cora's best friend? Greg likes a girl? Is that why you've been taking them long showers?" my dad kept asking. "Gross, Greg!" I exclaimed at my twin brother. "N-No. I-I'm conditioning my hair. That's all I do in the shower. Condition my hair." Greg was stuttering. "That's not what the deer told me." my dad replied. "That deer was a liar!" Greg exclaimed.

"I heard that too much conditioning could make you go blind." Becky said. "What? Who told you that?" my dad asked. "Higgins." Becky replied. Of course he would tell her something like that. "Oh, I should kill him!" my dad exclaimed in a joking way. "He's too chicken to ask her out because she's the hottest girl in school and Greg is fugly." Keithie said. TMI, bro. "So what if he's fugly? All the guys in our family are fugly. But that don't stop us from getting all the hot chicks. Look at me and look at your mother. I mean that makes no sense, only in like a hollywood movie or something." my dad explained to Keithie. Thank god I have most of my mom's looks. "Every guy at school likes her, dad." Greg said. "And you'll be the guy that ends up with her. You know why? You're gonna follow my three step rule. Number 1, make the girl smile. Number 2, tell her that she has a nice smile. Number 3, say she has to go out with you that night." my dad said. Wow, I'm sure that's not going to work.

"Why that night?" Greg asked. "It gives her less time on how fugly you are, because you are fugly." he said. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And Keithie's right. I'm too chicken to even talk to her. She's Cora's best friend." he said. Oh, Greg. You don't know how much Nancy loves you. "Hey, you're a Feder! Feders aren't afraid of women! That's not the way I'm raising you." my dad was exclaiming. "Oh, by the way, dad, did you ask mom if I could play football?" Keithie asked. "No! I was scared! I was afraid she's gonna yell at me in that accent that only Cora understands." my dad said. "Didn't you say something about Feders not being afraid of women?" I asked my dad. "Again, not helping, Cora." he said. Then I saw Bean Lamansoff riding up on his bike. Oh yeah, him and Becky are riding their bikes to school. "Come on, Becky. It's 8:00. School starts at 8:15, that means we have 25 minutes." he said, riding up to Becky. Greg, Keithie and I looked at each other with confused expressions. How the hell...I don't even wanna think about it.

"Daddy, do you promise Mr. Gigglesworth will be better by bedtime?" Becky asked. "Will you stop worrying about it. You'll be fine. Have the best last day." he said as Becky and Bean are peddling away. "And you read those street signs, don't let Bean." my dad said as they are still peddling away. "My god, riding their bikes to school. Couldn't do that in LA." my dad said. "Yeah, 'cause thank God there's no crazy people out here." Keithie says then our bus shows up. Great. You have to say it, Keithie.