Author's Note: I'll get right back to work on Adept's Guide to Weyard, I promise, but this story has been pestering me to the point that made me pick up writing again in the first place. Mostly because while replaying The Lost Age, I found myself wondering why Alex and Jenna's conversations were so tense/odd/awkward/etc. So I filled in the blanks. Title comes from the song excerpt below.
I found your life in grey and white and never thought I'd color it.
And love put up an awful fight.
You never made your peace with it.
So stay where you are. And hold what you love.
And feel what you want. And know all the while.
Don't hurt 'til it's done
-Copeland, "What Cannot Be Found, Pt. 1"
What Cannot Be Found
They're back in Bilibin again, delayed for a whole day waiting on Saturos to recover. Menardi has used what healing psynergy she has, as well as some healing herbs, but the only thing really ailing her frightening partner is his wounded pride. Nevertheless, neither Kraden nor Jenna mind the delay; perhaps Isaac and Garet can catch up to them.
It's strange, really, to think that in the short time since her capture, that the boys she'd grown up with had advanced so far as warriors, while she remained the same. She'd learned a little from watching the two Fire Adepts leading this expedition, but Felix and Kraden tended to keep her at a distance. Sometimes she wasn't sure which side was which anymore, and even her more violent objections at being treated in such an offhand manner ended in failure. Jenna wasn't sure what she had expected, being reunited with her brother, but it certainly wasn't engulfing silence, with confusion on her side and guilt on his.
She tried not to let herself feel isolated, knew that Kraden and Felix only acted out of concern, but every now and then, on nights like this one, the only emotion Jenna was sure of was loneliness. She missed her aunt and uncle, Vale, and her friends—especially Isaac. Some days she could almost feel a ghost of his hand in hers, a trace of teasing laughter from Garet echoing in her ears. Nothing had happened before the disaster at the Sanctum, but some nights she wondered if that progression from friend to more had been altered, maybe lost, due to those events. Jenna had noticed the pretty blue-haired girl from Imil, and when she was being rational knew there was nothing to be suspicious of, especially after Kraden let slip that this girl and Alex had been very close before he joined up with Saturos and Menardi.
Of everyone she was forced to travel with, Alex was the only one she couldn't understand. Saturos and Menardi sought to restore the lighthouses with a military efficiency, working for their hometown of Prox; Felix helped because they had saved his life; Kraden, being the scholar that he was, could not help but be curious. Alex seemed too calm to be power-mad, but too detached from the others to care about the problems of a faraway place called Prox. It was all very strange.
But Jenna didn't like to think about Alex much. He made her uncomfortable; he always looked at her like he knew something she didn't, and his cool, smooth speeches only irritated her.
And so, even though he had only briefly passed through her mind, Jenna rolled her eyes, turned over in her bed, and let out an annoyed sigh. It was too early to sleep, but being confined to the inn left her very few options. So even though she was startled by the knock at her door, Jenna couldn't help but flounce off the bed and to the door. She was less pleased to see Alex at the door, a placid expression on his face that she chose to interpret as contemptuous.
"What do you want?" all of her eagerness was masked by indignation.
"Just checking to make sure you were still alive, my dear, that's all," Alex replied calmly, though he found that he was actually amused by her anger. With her hands on her hips, standing several inches shorter than him, the Water Adept couldn't help but find the fiery girl funny.
His face was still impassive when she characteristically rolled her eyes at him, even as she suddenly announced,
"Still breathing, desperately bored. What are the chances we can sneak out?" Jenna looked a little surprised at her own words, in spite of her attempts to look imperious.
"If you like. I suppose you've considered the fact that you can't be noticed by the townspeople, or face Menardi's wrath."
"As if you don't know how to avoid people and find sneaky places."
"What Jenna, what are you suggesting?" Now he raised his eyebrows, for dramatic effect, and was pleased when she blushed.
"That's not what I meant and you know it!"
"I do apologize."
"Yeah, yeah, can we go now?"
"Certainly, my dear." With an unnecessary flourish that he knew would irritate her, Alex waved her out of her room, closing the door softly behind them.
"We can leave through the kitchens, if you please. They're closed for the evening, and it opens up to a rather…deserted place. From there we should be able to climb up to the town's wall."
"Fine."
Jenna was beginning to debate the good sense in following through with her impulsive behavior. But the thought of going back to her room, back to the lonely isolation for the evening, was so unbearable that she found she really didn't care. Besides, Alex would keep his mouth shut, providing some much needed company without needling her nerves any further. She hoped.
The kitchen was pitch dark, and Jenna instinctively began focusing to create a flame to see by. Alex instantly put it out, and when she started to protest, clamped a hand on her wrist.
"I thought you wanted to get out unnoticed," he explained in a whisper, and Jenna could practically sense his smirk in the darkness. Retaining his cool grip on her wrist, he guided them to the door and out the door with no further incident.
When they were safely on the far side of Bilibin's log walls, Jenna glanced around, studying the view. The beginnings of Lady McCoy's mansion lay to her left, casting skeletal shadows in the moonlight, while soft yellow lights flickered from windows in a few houses, in spite of the late hour. Although she preferred the bolder contrasts of sunny days, there was something haunting in the moonlight that appealed to the gaping loneliness, something Alex seemed to feel as well, judging by his face.
And how very odd that his guard was down long enough for her to notice, Jenna thought, and found herself studying her least favorite companion in total silence. It crossed her mind that he must have really loved intrigue to bother sneaking her out like this, and she smiled at the private joke. Naturally, Alex chose that moment to look her way, his face impassive once more, but his voice teased as he said softly,
"You're not becoming some sort of lovesick puppy, are you?"
"Hardly. Your impeccable manners offend me." But she was grinning all the same.
"Ah. So grunting oafs like that Garet are your type?"
"Please! I thought you were smarter than that!"
"So it's Isaac then?" He asked, and knew immediately he'd hit the mark. "Ah…" He wasn't willing to apologize, but he did feel a bit bad about the sadness that covered her face now.
"It hardly matters now." She finally said, as coldly as she could muster. "At least I didn't leave him by choice," Jenna added, and Alex's guilt evaporated as she struck back.
"Mia means nothing to me," He replied, none too convincingly, and they sat quietly, nursing their wounds in bitter silence.
Alex's hearing must have gotten confused, for he could have sworn he'd heard her sniff, possibly stifling tears, and he moved to try and make amends, but was hotly rebuffed.
"Just leave me alone!"
"You're the one who wanted to come here, remember?" He shot back, still reserved, but with some tension in his voice now.
"Yeah, well, sometimes I make stupid decisions!" Jenna replied. Their voices were still quiet, but the anger was unmistakable.
"Like this!?" Alex replied, angry in spite of himself, moving closer to make sure he was heard.
"This is the prime example!" Jenna hissed.
And without thinking, feeling, or understanding, compulsion sent her closer to this insufferable Mercury Adept, and even though she was fairly certain she felt nothing but revulsion towards him, Jenna found herself entangled in Alex, lips against lips, a tangle of long hair (brown and blue), hands, clothes, bodies, confusion. They shot apart briefly, long enough for Alex to say,
"So this is a mistake, then?"
Jenna nodded, and this time Alex initiated, violently kissing her mouth, eyes, neck. They fumbled clumsily with clothes, Jenna's hands against his neck and in his hair while Alex's explored. When he began to fumble at the ties of her dress, she pulled away, her shocked expression mirroring his own. This wasn't right; she didn't want him and he didn't want her. Not really. She wanted Isaac, not Alex, and no amount of loneliness and chemistry was going to convince her otherwise.
And Alex wanted Mia, of that she was more than a little certain. Quietly, she pushed herself to her feet, and he did the same. They didn't speak again on their way back to the inn, and he left her wordlessly at the door of her room before heading inside his own.
Now, once again lying restlessly on her bed, Jenna felt awash with emotions—the loneliness was heavier than before. She missed Isaac worse than before, even as she replayed what had happened and what might have. But the cooling burn left on her lips, which should have only brought guilt, tasted like desire.
After spending a week avoiding each other as best as they could, Alex and Jenna returned to a tense civility which was nearly indistinguishable from their previous behavior. Felix had given her curious glances, but hardly considered himself an expert on his sister after three years' separation. Saturos and Menardi didn't care a whit about it, so long as everyone kept pace. Whatever Kraden thought, he kept it to himself.
Sometimes Jenna considered a repeat of that night, or broaching the subject at all, but she found that with a fellow female captive, Sheba, her privacy was severely limited. Besides, those moments of weakness were quickly followed by reassurances that she was only missing Isaac, and so she never looked for opportunities. But resting on Menardi and Saturos' ship while others planned their ascent of Venus lighthouse, she could feel Alex's cool eyes surveying her, like a signal.
She went above deck, and even though she wasn't particularly fond of the night sky or the waves lapping against the boat, Jenna found herself waiting for Alex. And sure enough, he appeared beside her, silently. With no pretenses, she asked,
"Where's everyone else? Won't they notice we're gone?"
"They're busy planning, and Sheba's asleep. I irritated them to the point of getting myself dismissed. They won't look for me for hours. I come and go, remember?"
Jenna smiled in spite of herself, and said, "Typical," before he swooped down and kissed her again.
She hadn't forgotten the feel of his lips, but time seemed to have only intensified her desire to kiss back, clutch tighter, against the pangs of being separated from Isaac and home. But she wasn't thinking of Isaac and their almost relationship, not this time. Leaning against the ship edge was too risky, and she found herself up against the cabin walls, while they fumbled clumsily at each others' clothes and hair. And yet again, they stopped as abruptly as they began. Jenna hesitated, and as soon as she did, Alex released his grip, and was gone.
When he abandoned them in Daila, Jenna was both unhappy and grateful. Now her guilt didn't haunt her in his form, but just as she could sometimes sense the ghost of Issac's embrace, Jenna now sometimes felt Alex's cooling lips at her mouth. And even when she dreamed happily of being reunited with her two friends, Jenna sometimes heard a melancholy echo that murmured, "Sorry, my dear."
