Disclaimer: I don't own anything herein. Natsume and others own the game and characters and Kim Jong-il owns the North Korean Army. Kofi Annan might own the UN, but I'm not too sure. Anyway, I own nothing. Please R & R.
Author's Notes: Well, after a MAJOR revamp, this story opens for a third time. The plot premise is that Jack Breezy is a farmer who believes that it is his destiny to rule the world. Unfortunately, his sidekicks, Cliff and Popuri, usually hinder, rather than help, his evil plans. But when a trivial fight between U.N delegates descends into worldwide annihilation, Jack finally has the opportunity to achieve his dream. Will he succeed, or will he be doomed to his miserable failures again? WATCH as Jack struggles through trial after trial! GASP as Harvest Elves become drug lords! CHEER as Carter battles to the death using lightsabers with an evangelist! POINT as you watch a terrorist live in someone's basement! BURP as you eat your way through the cinema buffet!
This is APOCALYPSE WHEN?
Apocalypse When?
Jack, a young man from the city, came back to run his grandpa's farm one year ago. He was a success, since his genius enabled his farm to grow astoundingly quickly. He had two henchmen, Cliff and Popuri who did his bidding. But even these successes did not placate Jack Breezy. He had a desire to rule the world. But it was only a dream, right? So life went on. And there it might have ended, if it hadn't been for those ugly, gold-digging, intern-molesting, gum-chewing, baby-kissing reptiles known as politicians.
The United Nations had a choice. They could use their surplus budget to give aid to Africa or have a large Christmas party with lots of mud wrestling and free beer.
They chose the party.
Needless to say, the party was a complete failure. Very few of the countries got on; the United States wasn't talking to Germany because of "What They Said About Our Auntie Mildred at the G8 Summit; the UK wasn't talking to Spain because of "That Fight Last New Year's Eve About Gibraltar"; North Korea pantsed South Korea, before being wedgied by China; and no-one was talking to Canada because they forgot the turkey.
Needless to say, this descended into a fight, at first with custard pies, which ended with all the delegates declaring war on each other. The fight might have been forgotten if it hadn't spilled out onto the streets, onto boats and planes and spread across the globe.
The world's largest, longest and most prolific custard pie fight ended in a nuclear holocaust, thanks to the control panels in several nuclear silos being damaged by custard. Nuclear war devastated the earth, leaving very few areas intact.
One of these areas was the island of Mineral Town.
And thus it all began...
Here inside, you will find a Napoleonic farmer, a bubbly pink-haired girl, a loyal, snivelling vagabond, a sword-wielding eight-year-old, a Friends-loving terrorist, the world's worst bomber pilot, an indestructible news reporter and a lot of sex, death, blood and beer (though thankfully not all at the same time).
Chapter 1: Nuclear War
"And in one hour," blared the TV reporter happily, "It's everyone's favourite show..."
"Not mine," muttered Jack Breezy, anticipating the horror ahead.
"The Song Hour!" shouted the TV reporter excitedly.
"For god's sake!" screamed Jack to no-one in particular, "On the night when the world ends, two damn stupid hippies are playing bloody awful songs and singing just as badly! I can't stand it! I need alcohol and lots of it!"
He paused in the middle of this rant and remembered that Pastor Carter owed him a favour. Perhaps now was the time for it to be repaid.
Smiling evilly, Jack picked up the phone and rang Carter. When he answered it, Jack said, "Carter, it's Jack and its time to repay that favour. I want you to get out your little secret and aim it at these co-ordinates..."
After giving the co-ordinates and being assured that he would be successful, Jack put the phone down and grabbed his coat. He decided he would go out and watch this amusing spectacle as it unfolded.
Jack Breezy was your average farmer. Well, actually he wasn't, as not every farmer wants to take over the world. But he did keep cows, like many farmers do. But not all farmers have cows with lasers attached to their heads, so, no, he wasn't really your average farmer.
A blast of cold air greeted him as he left the warmth of his home. Up in the night sky he could see trailing lights which were obviously nukes on their way to their targets. Jack sighed contentedly and lit his pipe. Lots of people were dying and none of them were him. It was good to be alive. The joy was redoubled by the fact that he was alone. Perhaps he could have an intelligent conversation for once.
"Heeeeeey Jack!" squealed a very bubbly voice.
Jack groaned and turned around, "Hello Popuri," he said half-heartedly.
He didn't dislike Popuri as such; on the contrary, she was very good in helping him carry out his plans (good as in that she wasn't responsible for all of his miserable failures) and she was attractive in a strange sort of way. Jack just disliked women in general, they were too emotional, rarely ambitious and seemed to have an obsession with binge drinking; especially Karen.
"Whatcha doin'?" asked Popuri, dancing around him and smiling in a sickening manner.
"I'm watching the nukes," replied Jack, trying to maintain a friendly tone, "You do know what nukes are, don't you?"
"Yeah," replied Popuri, "They're naked people!"
Jack tried to adjust to Popuri's mindscape.
"Nukes Popuri," he sighed, "not nudes."
"Oh," she replied. After a moment's thought, she asked, "Do you want to go to the beach with me and watch them?"
"Yeah sure, why not?" replied Jack in a surprising show of generosity. The two set off together.
Before they had gone halfway down the field Popuri spotted a flash heading directly for them. She pointed and screamed in alarm, "Jack!"
Jack remained calm, sucking on his pipe, before saying, "Step back a bit," and pulling her back with him.
They watched as the flash got closer and closer and began to hear a whooshing noise as it approached. After about a minute, they saw it was a missile which hit the ground at a slight angle and slowly came to a halt just beside them. On the peculiar black missile was a little flag, which Jack recognized as the flag of North Korea, and a Korean soldier clinging on for dear life. He looked up and saw the pair.
"Ah, good evening comrade," greeted Jack casually, as though North Korean soldiers riding nuclear missiles and landing on his farm was a common occurrence.
"Good night comrade-san!" said the Korean, getting up and bowing low, "Which way...to America?"
"Ah," said Jack pleasantly shaking his hand, "You're not the first! But which part of America?"
"California, comrade-san!" replied the Korean breathlessly, "Ordered to... kill all of... Hollywood..."
"Good man!" said Jack, shaking his hand even harder, "I hate those rich bastards, flaunting their wealth, owning big houses, small waists and thinking that looking like a starved Ethiopian is fashionable. Make sure you get them all! Oh," he added as an afterthought, pointing, "America is that way."
"Thank you comrade-san!" replied the Korean gratefully, bowing again, "I bid you pleasant goodbye!"
Saying that, he hoisted the seven-foot missile onto his shoulder and walked off towards the harbour. Jack continued on his way, while Popuri was rooted to the spot in confusion. After a moment though, she regained her senses, ran after Jack and grabbed hold of him.
"Who was that?" she asked.
"A North Korean soldier strapped to a nuclear missile," explained Jack helpfully, pulling himself free and walking on with her.
"But why?"
"Because North Korean nukes are crap and only have a limited range," replied Jack, "So they strap those soldiers to them in case the missile fails and they have to carry it to its target."
Popuri shook her head, confused. Jack knew the strangest things.
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"Isn't it romantic?" said Popuri dreamily as a distant city was vaporized by one of the many falling missiles, "Isn't it gorgeous how the water reflects the mushroom cloud?"
"Nah," replied Jack, "I'd say boring. Once you've seen one metropolis vanish in an instant of fire, you've seen them all."
"Oh Jack, where's your romance?" complained Popuri, smiling..
"Dead and gone, along with my patience, compassion and respect for humanity!" growled Jack. He took out his miniature radio from his pocket and tuned in to the station he wanted to hear. To his horror, the Song Hour had already begun.
"Maaan," droned one of the hippy hosts, "Tonight sure ain't coooool, what with all the killiiiiiiiin' and stuff. So let's lighten the atmosphere and release some positive waaaaaaaaaves with these trippin' tracks..."
What was taking Carter so long? Surely by now he must have set it up. Unless of course he was doing something foul and ungodly that priests tend to do, like watch FOX.
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As a matter of fact, Pastor Carter was not watching FOX. He was in fact setting up the nuclear missile that had lain in the church basement for several years. Carter had always intended to fire it at Cuba after being given a "divine mission" by God to "kill those commie bastards". Carter had never doubted the word of his Lord, but even he was a bit confused that God had appeared to him in the form of a purple sheep that spoke with the voice of Barry White. It was probably some test of faith, or more likely due to the "incense". But he owed Jack a favour and so his
"Uncle Carter, why do we want to kill those people?" asked Stu innocently as she helped push the launcher out into the graveyard.
"Because they're god-damn hippies," replied the man of God, "And do you know why we should hate hippies, Stu?"
"Because they care about nature!" replied Stu excitedly.
"Good," smiled Carter, "And do you know what we do to people who care about nature?"
"Kill them!" shouted Stu happily.
"That's right," chuckled Carter, "It is our divine right to wipe out inferior species! That's the American way! Peace, freedom and democracy! Now help your Uncle Carter load the missile onto the launcher..."
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"Come on Popuri," said Jack, "Carter's obviously not going to do it."
"Are we going home then?" asked Popuri.
"No," replied Jack, pulling out his potato peeler, "We're going to force Carter to do it, unless he really wants to hit the high notes at the next Choir Festival."
They walked over to the church and found Carter and Stu had already set up the missile launcher and placed the missile inside. Carter looked up and saw Jack.
"Ah, Jack," he said brightly, "We're all set. It'll be launched whenever you like."
"Excellent," replied the farmer. He turned his radio on and listened. Shuddering, he recognized the sound of the Song Hour.
"Still playing," he muttered, "God I hate this show."
He sighed again and picked up his mobile phone. Dialling in the number for the Song Hour station, he grinned evilly. Finally, someone answered and the conversation could be heard on the radio in front of them.
"Yo dude," answered one of the hosts, "What's your tune maaaaaaaan?"
"Prepare to die you flea-ridden hippy!" shouted Jack in a tone of orgasmic triumph, "Because you've got a nuke coming your way!"
"Dude," said the host to his equally flea-ridden co-host, "Do we have any songs about nuclear waaaaaaar?"
"We sure do," replied Flea-Bitten Hippy II, "Here's a little number called "The Mutants Took Mah Daughter Away". Enjoy man..."
As the awful song began blaring out, Jack seethed with rage, only being consoled when Carter lit the fuse. At this, he jumped up and began dancing with glee. The holy weapon launched successfully and flew gracefully through the air, ready to dish out some red-hot, God-approved ass-kicking.
Until the rocket's engines failed and it crashed into the mountain peak causing a loud WHUMP sound, before hilariously exploding.
"Incredible," sighed Jack as he rang Carter. As the pastor picked it up, Jack bellowed down the line, "Carter! Where did you get that missile from?"
"Oh, er…didn't you know?" replied Carter uneasily, "Standard procedure for a newly ordained priest to be given one by the Vatican. New policy."
"I thought the Vatican promoted peace," said Jack, his eyes narrowing.
"Well you should see what the evangelists have!" retorted Carter, "They have lightsabers. This is an arms race Jack!"
"Well, why didn't it work then?" asked Jack.
"I don't know. Probably something to do with all the holy water they use on it. Damages the circuits."
Jack shook his head. It just wasn't his day. He watched the smoking mountain as half of it collapsed in rubble.
"Er," he began, "Isn't Mother's Hill a national monument?"
An uneasy silence.
"CHEESE IT!" Jack screamed. He grabbed Popuri and ran off, shouting behind him to Carter, "You're on your own sucker!" before he disappeared into the town.
"Uncle Carter," snivelled Stu, "We've blown up the mountain."
"Yes Stu," replied Carter gravely.
"Uncle Carter," whined the sticky child, "Will God be angry with us?"
The thought of the Lord's punishment shocked Carter into a state of fear. He turned and ran off towards his church screaming, "Yes Stu! Run! He can't punish you if you can't see you! Hide!"
"But Uncle Carter!" Stu shouted after him, "I thought you said God was omni-presumt, omni-pretenced, omni...everywhere?"
"No!" shouted Carter in the distance, "We made that up to stop people pissing in the font!"
So...that's it for the first chapter. Like I said before, the important thing is that you enjoy it, but I wouldn't mind a review if you generous people would be so kind tips hat. I'd really appreciate it and it might make my work better. Please be honest.
