Hey again! Just a Jam songfic…from Sam's POV. x

Why? Why did I have to mess things up? Everything was going so well, better than I ever could have imagined…and I ruined it. I have a habit of doing that. It was the same with Phil. I was so happy, we were best friends and we were closer than ever. Then Romania happened. We couldn't be friends after that, it was too painful. Now I've done the same again.

Jo and I. I could tell her anything, she was the same. My phone bills had been sky high since we'd been best friends! I could phone her at 4am and she wouldn't mind. She's the kind of friend everyone needs. I still need her. More than she'll ever know. So why did I ruin things? I guess that's what I always do. Ruin things. Samantha Nixon, puts her foot in it at every possibility.

It was just like any other day. It was late one night and we were having a drink and just talking about our day. It was nothing different, it's what friends do. Friends. That's what we were, that's all we'll ever be.

Then I kissed her. God, what possessed me to do that? I knew I felt something for her, something more than friendship, but I wasn't planning on acting on it. There was too much at stake, too much to lose. But I guess I've lost it all now anyway. Things can't go back to the way they were before, it will be too awkward. I tried it with Phil. Friends, lovers, and then friends again. It didn't work. Instead I lost a good friend. Now I've lost two good friends.

I don't even know if she feels the same. Deep down, I hope she does. At least that way it won't be so painful. I never gave her the chance to say anything though. As soon as it happened I ran. Ran out of the house and went home. She must have thought I'm such a coward. Which I am I suppose, I am a coward. Scared of my feelings. After all, I've never felt like this about a woman before. So I guess the feelings scared me.

But what if she does feel the same? What if she doesn't think it was all a mistake? I'm still not sure whether it was a mistake or not. I like her, more than a friend, but I want a best friend as well. But I can't have it both ways. I have to choose: a best friend or a lover?

I guess it's a win-win situation. I'll still have Jo no matter what. I hope. God, I hope so. I really don't know what I'd do without her. She's just…perfect. She's a good listener, gives great advice, she's a damn good cop, she makes me laugh, she's beautiful. And hopefully, she'll be more than just a best friend.

It's not the end. I'm pretty sure of that. It's just the beginning. The beginning of a new life. Or so I hope. I need to talk to her. I need to know if she feels the same. God, I hope she does. But what if she doesn't? My mind would be more messed up than it is now. But I don't think I could be more confused than I am now to be honest. My head's all over the place. My heart is telling me I need her, but my head thinks I'm mad for even thinking I stand a chance with Jo. I just don't know.

I want her, there's no doubt about that. Question is, do I need her? I've needed her as a best friend…do I need her as a lover? So many questions lacking so many answers. The only thing I'm sure of is that we can't be 'just friends' anymore. But can we be lovers?

Please review x